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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
Hey Vyper!
I should probably add a caveat--I'm not the best at poetry and haven't reviewed it in ages, so this is all going to be very subjective.
Because of the opening line, I read the first verse to the tune of Jingle Bells, but the rhythm doesn't quite fit with the second verse, so it felt uneven. That's my fault for reading the first verse with that rhythm, but it would be nice if they matched--either to Jingle Bells or an entirely different rhythm, but either way there should be consistency.
The rhythm here is very choppy, especially with the enjambment. I think some end-stopped lines here would be better.
I don't like "wander about", it sounds too much like something put in to make the rhyme.
Woah, wait, is this a completely new rhyme scheme? I'd keep one scheme and stick to it, otherwise it's a bit off-putting.
There shouldn't be a comma after "morning", and the rhythm is very off here.
No rhyme?
Overall, this is cute, but it would be cuter if it were consistent and had a strong rhythm. You know what's awesome about Dr Seuss--it's the strong beat that sticks in your head and makes you remember the pace, if not the rhyme. As this is a sweet, light kind of poem, it would really benefit from a good strong beat and smooth consistent rhymes. If you read this out loud, you can tell that it keeps on jumping around, and it changes from slow to fast to rhyme scheme A to rhyme scheme B to no rhyme at all. Fix that, and I think this would be a lot better. ^_^
-twit
Thanks Twit! Loads of help, as usual.
And you said if i dare! haha! it was awsome, i liked it. i really i did. i liked how you described the shopping, the morning of chrismas, and the present opening. the toys, the happy feeling of being with your family. Go! christmas! go!!! haha yup that just happened. im sorry to say i dont like eggnog, like not in the smallest way possible.
Thanks Rish! You're very flattering.
Hmmm, this was interesting. Their were certain aspects of it I absolutely loved, and others that felt a little off (but are easily fixed). I'll get the negative stuff out the way stuff, but remember it's all just personal opinion! The syllables in your lines gradually became less regular which meant the poem lacked rythm and was difficult to read with out stumbling. I usually love rhyme schemes, but this one felt a little forced, in particular rhyming "excite" with "flash lights" did not feel very natural, also the rhyme scheme doesn't become regular untill part way through the poem. Furthermore, I wasn't sure in the first few stanza's whether your outlook on christmas was positive or not because the use of abrupt sentences with little punctuation and words like "cut" and "yell" made me wonder if you were being satirical or not.
The stuff I really liked was the last stanza because it's really cute about the santa secret and the rhyme feels very natural here. The poem in general got better the further you got, I think because it became clear you were expressing excitement about christmas. I loved the idea behind it (you can never have enough christmas poems!).
Overall, I did enjoy this, and I think as a first draft it's very impressive. However, I would do a couple more drafts and change some minor things just to perfect it! Let me know if you edit, I'd love to read again if you change anything.
Thanks alot! I will!