The Key.

Hi Ashley!

I love the imagery and the tone of voice in your poem. You have a very strong narrator here, whose persona takes charge and definitely drives the poem’s content and rhythm. However, you have an incredibly awkward rhyme system going on here. I’m not sure if you meant for that to happen or not, the rhyming. However, in the case of rhyme you really must commit to some kind of pattern, even if it’s one couplet somewhere in the poem there should be a clear reason for it existing.

If this is all accidental rhyming I’ll suggest that you read this poem out aloud, when you get to hear the words, rhythm and rhyme become far more obvious and that will help you fix up either problem. The rhythm in the third stanza is awkward to me, mostly because you have a series of short statements that are sharp at the end points, so it becomes a little taxing to read them.
Some further comments:
You were the first to have the key.
At least, that’s what my heart told me.
The heart that is always so careful. < I like what this line is saying but I feel like it isn’t needed? Consider what you might want to do with this line somewhere else?
It told me in the way it soared < I think you don’t need the “It told me in” bits here and later, they’re superfluous to your mean and just make the rhythm a little too uniform through the stanza, which is somehow (I don’t know how!) just as awkward as crazy rhythm.
when you said that I looked beautiful. < Lose this full stop, to aid the flow.
It told me in the way it jumped
when I saw you or heard your name.
And it told me in the way it fell < I’d leave this “it told me in” because it ties so nicely to that second line. Though I’d lose the “and”
when you admitted I was only part of a game.

You played, and you teased, and you hurt so much. < I’d lose the second and third “you” here, it is a stronger line without them.
Unknowingly, you said, but I still felt crushed. < I feel like this is weird, since the narrator(N) said s/he admitted the N was part of a game. Consider losing this line entirely, if that’s the case, because it doesn’t add anything and isn’t particularly stunning (not all lines have to be, but if they work better out of the poem, then the less stunning lines – and some stunning lines- should go).
You make all of the girls feel special, I’ve learned. < Consider losing “of” and changing the period to a comma ( if you alter the next line).
And you don’t even blink, completely unconcerned < I’d lose “and” here
about my hopes building up, and me thinking, “Is it him?” < Consider using “our hopes” in relation to the third line. The second part of this is pretty sketchy; it feels stilted and very melodramatic. Maybe think about a period after “up” and then saying “I thought...”, which might work a bit better.
For it only to come crashing down, my soul so dim. < Most awkward rhyme in the poem! ( him/dim) Also, consider either “for it to come” or “only to come” because the phrasing here is very odd and difficult to look at and understand.

You pretend like we were nothing. < comma rather than period
To you we probably were. < Consider “though to…” because of nice flow.
While I’m left with my heart aching, < Lose “While”
praying for that pain not to recur. < This is a terrible line, did you do it for the rhyme? (Whoops unintentional rhyme!) It’s a terrible line because it’s melodramatic and awkwardly phrased. And because the pain is happening – ie the ache – so you can’t pray it won’t come back, logically.
When I demand answers you’re hostile,
and when I plead you’re so vague.
How am I supposed to know
why we ended up this way?
< This is your weakest stanza and I almost want to tell you to lose it entirely, it doesn’t add too much and I think that the poem would work passably without it. The only lines I’d like to keep particularly are the firs two, which I think are worded nicely. You could keep these as a couplet, between the other two stanzas but if you did that I’d suggest making the first two lines of the second stanza also a couplet (without making the alteration to the second line that I’ve suggested) because it would look much better and have a good symmetry.

I try to convince myself it’s better like this.
But every time I close my eyes,
my heart is yearning for that one owed kiss,
and the fishing and the rainy skies. < You did this for the rhyme, I’m sure. Leave it at a kissed owed, it’s a better image.
You’re still the one to have the key.
“I warned you.” My heart whispers to me.
My heart still jumps when I look at you,
but not in the way that it’s supposed to. < Splendid ending.

A little advice for editing – Be Ruthless! You can always keep favourite lines to use in other poems, so don’t be too squeamish about removing them for the better nature of the poem.

I’ve been pretty hard on your poem, I’m sure you feel. That’s because it’s a solid poem showing a good skill, which I think you could definitely improve upon with some study. You have an excellent ending and a strong beginning, but I’ve noted you could lose a lot of stuff or alter it around for flow and rhythm. Please always remember that these are suggestions and you are more than welcome to ignore them and continue with however your vision suggests. It’s most important that YOU like your poem.

If you have any questions or queries, or want me to re-read your poem (edited or not) please just Pm me! I’d be more than happy to help.

- Guin.

I Liked it. It could be a wonderful song.