z

Young Writers Society



Hey! You lost?

by Clarity


15+ Just first draft... had a mood to write!

Closing my eyes, I can see the events of yesterday. Still fresh in my memory and never going anywhere.

Now, you must have just read that first line and thought "hey, not another love story" well, get that right

out of your head because... this is no love story. Far from it actually.

See, I'm going to tell you a little story, like one of them fairy tales you get in a childrens book. Except,

this is no fairy tale. More like... a cold sweat worthy nightmare. Nothing nice about it at all. A real blood

bath I could say.

Mmm, just the thought of it makes my mouth water all over again.

Maybe this is the point I should introduce myself? Okay, well my name is Rayven and I am seventeen

years old. And... I think thats all you need to know for now.

Well then, last night I was walking home, as you do, and decided to take a short cut home... yeah,

common horror story line huh?

***

"Hey, you lost?" The voice came out of the shadows, erupting suspicion and fear within my stomach.

"Um, no. Just thought I'd take a short cut home." Well, that was the truth wasn't it?

"Are you sure? You see, I get this feeling you chose this path in search of danger, to spike a little

excitement into your life..." The look on my face must have given it away. "I'm right aren't I?"

"Nope... I really was just looking for a shortcut home..." Or maybe not... Jheez. Creep or what?

"Oh... well, can I ask what exactly you are doing out here on your own... on a dark night like this one?"

"Didn't I just tell you? Looking for a friggin' shortcut home!" Some people are just so dim now days.

What is wrong with him?

"Well, I suppose you did... sorry, I'm just curious you see..." Okay, now this was getting super creepy!

Did this dudes eyes just flash freaking silver?!

"Um, I should be going..." I was getting scared now... what teenage girl wants to be in an alley way, with

a twenty odd year old guy... on her own?! Not me.

"You aint going anywhere sweetheart" The way he said it was what scared me, not the actual words

themselves... even though they were pretty darn terrifying.

"You see, I'm hungry, and you looked just so... fine to eat."

"Eat?"

"Yeah... eat. Juicy and just plump enough without being fat. Yum." With that last word, he pounced on

me like a lion pounces on a deer. I was helpless.

***

This sounds like such a classic horror story. But honest, it happened. It was like this guy wanted to

play by all the rules and make me seem like the helpless victim in all of this! Gosh, I aint no big

breasted, booty shaking blonde! And boy, did I show him that...

***

"So, that's how you feed Ray!"

"Oh, mmm, this is some good shit!" And boy was is good.

"Yes it is..."

***

So, I guess it's clear something happened here right? The 'disruption' in a horror film...

***

"WHAAAAAaaa..." Yum.

"Yeah Tod, that is how you feed." Talking to myself isn't a normal habit of mine. But it fit the moment

perfectly... just staring down at Tod's body, ripped to shreads.

***

And thats when I went on my first ever hunt! And was it good! Hell yeah! The blood, the screaming...

the crying! Everyone begging for me to stop... But it was too good! The rich red substance was like a

drug to me. Delicious and just pure heaven!

Well, now you heard my story... short and ever so sweet... I must be off! Bye now.

***

"Hey! You lost?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Second draft here... first one is above...

Closing my eyes, I can see the events of yesterday. Still fresh in my memory and never going anywhere.

Now, you must have just read that first line and thought "hey, not another love story" well, get that right

out of your head because... this is no love story. Far from it actually.

See, I'm going to tell you a little story, like one of them fairy tales you get in a children’s book. Except,

this is no fairy tale. More like... a cold sweat worthy nightmare. Nothing nice about it at all. A real blood

bath I could say.

Mmm, just the thought of it makes my mouth water all over again.

Maybe this is the point I should introduce myself? Okay, well my name is Rayven and I am seventeen

years old. And... I think that’s all you need to know for now.

Well then, last night I was walking home, as you do, and decided to take a short cut home... yeah,

common horror story line huh?

***

"Hey, you lost?" The voice came out of the shadows, erupting suspicion and fear within my stomach.

"Um, no. Just thought I'd take a short cut home." Well, that was the truth wasn't it?

"Are you sure? You see, I get this feeling you chose this path in search of danger, to spike a little

excitement into your life..." The look on my face must have given it away. "I'm right aren't I?"

"Nope... I really was just looking for a shortcut home..." Or maybe not... Jheez. Creep or what?

"Oh... well, can I ask what exactly you are doing out here on your own... on a dark night like this one?"

"Didn't I just tell you? Looking for a friggin' shortcut home!" Some people are just so dim now days.

What is wrong with him?

"Well, I suppose you did... sorry, I'm just curious you see..." Okay, now this was getting super creepy!

Did this dudes eyes just flash freaking silver?!

"Um, I should be going..." I was getting scared now... what teenage girl wants to be in an alley way, with

a twenty odd year old guy... on her own?! Not me.

"You aren’t going anywhere sweetheart" The way he said it was what scared me, not the actual words

themselves... even though they were pretty darn terrifying.

"You see, I'm hungry, and you look just so... fine to eat."

"Eat?"

"Yeah... eat. Juicy and just plump enough without being fat. Yum." With that last word, he pounced on

me like a lion pounces on a deer. I was helpless.

***

I know how unrealistic this sounds! But honest, it happened. It was like this guy wanted to play by all

the rules and make me seem like the helpless victim in all of this! Gosh, I aint no big breasted, booty

shaking blonde! And boy, did I show him that...

***

"Ray stop! You're gonna drain him dry!" Just a few more drops...

"Um, too late! Gosh, he was tasty!" It's strange how I never could have realised that these people

actually existed... I mean, I thought they were only real in the movies! Like Dracula or something like

that. But now, I'm one too! And have I been missing out or what! It's, like, ten times better than human

food! Just the perfect consistency, a seducing, dark red velvety colour...

"RAYVEN!!!"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Pay attention! You're staring at the dead man, who you drained dry, with your mouth still watering!

Damn girl! You got an appetite." Come to think of it, I was still hungry.

"Well get me someone to eat then!"

"You can't have anyone else; it'll all be in the news if you take too many!"

"Well, if you won't get me someone, I'll just get them myself..." I wasn't gonna wait and let this asshole

decide when I get to feed next. My life, my decisions.

"Ray, listen..."

"No, I am done listening to you!"

***

I am way too impatient. But, I guess he shouldn't have got in my way. It was pretty obvious that I was

going to end up doing something if he told me what I had to do all the time. I'm not going to listen to

some guy, who I don't even know actually!

Oh gosh, I actually didn't even know him! Ha! Well, tough shit for him then.

***

"WHAAAAAaaa..." Yum.

"Eh, not as good as he was, but you did good..." Talking to myself isn't a normal habit of mine... but

who else was I going to talk too?

***

So, I guess you got the idea of where everything went? I killed Todd, but he deserved it! And after that, I

went on my first ever hunt! Every single second of it still fresh in my memory! One of the best events in

my life! The blood, the screaming... And the crying! People of all ages begging me to stop... But it was

just so hard to stop! Everything was delicious and I enjoyed every minute of it. The killing and the

feeding! If I could do it again, I definatly would! No doubt about it!

Well, you've heard my story. Now I must get going... I'm getting slightly peckish. Bye now!

***

"Hey! You lost?"

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Tue Dec 11, 2012 7:27 am
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DudeMcGuy wrote a review...



Hi Clarity,

Here is the review you requested, albiet a little late. Hope you don't mind. I'll be reviewing th second draft part.

I did enjoy the introduction part with the Main character speaking to the reader. It was well done, but I do agree with Blues that it doesn't really fit with what follows. It was a charming ontro, but perhaps you could shorten it up a bit by eliminating the "love story" and "fairy tales" references. And going with more of just a horror set up.

OK moving on to the next part. I like the dialogue here, but you could add some descri[tion of the characters. I mean in a physical sense. What does her attacker look like? What did she see/notice about him the moment he sprang out from the shadows.

I suppose I should tell you now that horror/vampires is not really my thing, but I let you know what I think from a writing perspective.

I like the scene shift again, leaving the audience in suspense from the last part. A good technique in my opinion. Mayne you could make this part a little longer though. Lead the audience on a bit even more. Maybe lead us to beleive at first that Rayven was truly helpless, and then crush that image how you did with the next part.

Going back into the story again I noticed the same thing. Good dialogue but a bit lacking in the physical description. Also, she obviously killed her attacker, but now she is talking to someone else. This person seems to be a vampire also or something, but we don't know who this is or what they look like. Pehaps Rayven could drop his or her name also for a bit more context.

"I definatly would! No doubt about it!" --> Typo.

The ending part is a good tease. I assume that if you were to continue this story that this would serve as a sort of prologue to set up a collection of short stories where the MC ends up taking victim after victim. Rayven seems to be pretty creepy the way she cherishes people's suffering. Mission accomplished in that regard.

So yeah, I'm personally not a fan of this genre, but that's just me. The dialogue is good, but it could use more description inbetween. Describe the characters physical characterstics and surroundings. Just don't go overboard with that though (easier said than done). Try to sprinkle it in around the dialogue so it "blends" together.

Hope this helps. Everything I've said is all from a writing perspective, don't take anything personal.

Have fun and keep writing!
--DudeMcGuy




DudeMcGuy says...


Sorry, my spellcheck failed before I posted that! Hope you can still make sense of most of it. Forgive my spelling errors! :)



Clarity says...


Thankyou!:D



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Mon Dec 10, 2012 8:50 pm
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Blues wrote a review...



Hi, Clarity!

I'm a little rusty since I've reviewed so apologies for that. Let's get started - and apologies if I seem too harsh :)

Sometimes, I quite like stories where the MC speaks directly to the reader. It feels like a conversation and I'd expect that with a light-hearted story, whether it be action or mystery or romance or anything else. Like in Percy Jackson. However, I'd class this more as horror and I'd expect the story to be scary. There's killing, there's darkness, there's everything that *should* be scary but the tone doesn't suit the story - or at least, if this was a novel, this scene. I want to be frightened, I want my heart to jump to my throat, I want to be petrified as I read this, my hands shaking, but instead I don't feel like that. I feel more relaxed - which isn't how I should be feeling. xD In horror, I'd expect the short sentences contrasted with the long ones, the silence, the antici--





--pation for something to happen. I want to care for the character's like - not to laugh with them - that's for another story. ;) Build some suspense up! The guy is creepy, so make him creep me out, not just the main character. We need to know why they're creeped out.

I also can't help but feel that you're telling far too much and not enough showing. Where's the description? For all I know, they could be dining with the queen and they met in the bathroom or in a bouncy castle or at numbers 23 and 24, Leinster Terrace in London or at your house in a lonely road in Mississippi. I can't help but feel that the MC is commentating everything - we know and understand already. Instead, include some body language. Put yourself in their shoes - what would you do if you were them? Would you be backing away slowly, would you be glaring? More communication is done through body language than verbal communication, so use that. ;)

Furthermore, all the scene breaks seem a bit unnecessary. They skip too much information and it makes it all so confusing. A balance between faster and slower pace would be great.

On the up side, I love the ending. xD

I hope that helped and I didn't sound like a monster trying to rip it all. If you've got any questions about the review, feel free to PM me and I'll happily answer it :3

Keep writing,
~Blues




Clarity says...


Thankyou GreenDucky!:D And I'll PM ya with a bit of background, and I'll try and improve what you have mentioned :D



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Wed Dec 05, 2012 9:49 am
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malachitear wrote a review...



I also commend your use of the Second-person POV. Its rather a lot more appropriate than the usual first person pov throughout that you usually see.

This wasn't horror though. It was more of a surprising story with a twist. That was probably intentional right?

It is a bit confusing though. Normally, why would the girl be scared if she could easily do what she did? Maybe you should have switched to the man's point of view to show how he projects fear onto the girl and how it is actually different in reality?

Also, the informal tone adopted when conversing with the reader might be a little too lighthearted. It makes the story a lot less interesting because it's harder to delve into the story. As Veeren said, try to keep this to a minimum, perhaps while showing character conflict or at the end for an explanation.

I liked the ending though. That part gives it the eerie quality. As if the girl pretends to be defenseless in order to rope in more victims. After the bloodbath that occured previously, the story is a lot more eerie.

Perhaps you could describe the actual killing of the man better, to draw out the scary portion. The description there was a bit scanty, and you reiterated the portion about the bliss while drinking the blood a little too much.

Overall, I still liked it! It was a nice twist. I hope to see the final piece come out soon (:

Keep Writing.
-Binder




Clarity says...


Thankyou! I'll be working on it over the next week, the 2nd draft should be out next wednesday/thursday!



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Wed Dec 05, 2012 1:11 am
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veeren wrote a review...



Hiya Clarity! Veeren here to rip apart review your work!

First off, the bad:
- There is quite a bit of grammatical errors throughout the passage, which I'd actually correct all of if I had the time.
- The narration was a bit dry. I couldn't really get the feeling of horror you were trying to bring. Maybe with stronger dialogue and better descriptions this could be easily fixed.
- Mentioning that it sound like a typical horror story once in the beginning is funny. Repeating a bunch of times afterwords gets a bit redundant.
- You seem to talk the readers a bit too much. Try to keep it only when it's needed and adds to the story, otherwise it feels like you're interrupting your own tale.

Alright, don't feel too bad! It's time fore the good:
+ I like the second person point of view. I feel like this would've flopped without it. It was a great choice on your part.
+ While I expected the girl in you story to be captured with something scary happening to her, you were able to surprise me and make it the other way around.
+ The ending line was really nice. It definitely wraps up the entire story in a good (if that's possible with a horror story) way. Joins everything together, ya' know?

All in all, good job. All you need is a bit of work and you'll be writing great stories in no time. If you can make my negatives become positives, then this piece would be perfect. Just my two cents! Keep on writing :D




Clarity says...


Thankyou! This helped me :D I'll be working on the points you said!&the 2nd draft will be out nexe wednesday/thursday!




Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash