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Young Writers Society



Hush now, we don't want any accidents.

by Clarity


Its always been a mystery to me. How something so simple could become the most complicated thing

in the universe.

I never understood at first, I'd be sat there, day after day, staring out of my bedroom window.

Just thinking how it all became so complicated. How everything became so confusing.

I'd always been a simple minded person. Never doubting what I had been told. Always believing what

was in the books. There couldn't have been a doubt about any of it. It was written by scientists, so it

had to be true.

My mind was innocent, oblivious to the nightmares out there. None of it was real, just an old wives

tale, set in place to keep today's youths in their place. Making sure they never got out of hand.

But, that wouldn't stop half of them. Most of us today don't even blink twice before thinking. It's simple.

We just don't give a shit.

But, we should right? We should always listen to the adults. The ones who have experienced life as

we are experiencing it now. The ones who have seen whats out in the world, the ones who know what

could happen any minute of the day. The ones who lie.

Yeah, they know everything. We listened to them as kids, never wanting to chance what could happen

if we disobeyed one word they said. It might be a light telling off. Or a smack around the head... or a

whip with the belt. Depended on the parent really.

Was it just them, were they thinking to themselves that it is what they had to do, to make us learn,

to make sure we always listened and never went against them. Or was it an order? An order by the

government, an order by the monarch?

Maybe it was an order by something even they know nothing about. Maybe it's an order by something

only a few people know about.

Is it a law? A command?

If they truely knew about it all, why would they let us out of the house at all, if they knew about the

dangers of the world, why would they let us take one step out of the house.

They act like they know nothing. Smiling at us, laughing with us. But that's only when things go right,

when we listen.

What happens when we don't listen? Lots. Everything changes. You might want to go out at night, and

when they say no, and you answer with 'why?' it's a slap across the face. No other answer. Just a hit.

A hit and a warning: "Listen to what you are told to do!".

What happened to the nice person I was just laughing with only a few short minutes ago?

It's a facade, a mask fitted perfectly. Filled with lies. Meant to make us trust them. We were brought

up to trust the adults. To trust our parents. We had to trust them. Remember? They know everything.

Which is why I know, they truely do know what is out there. Why I know they lie to us.

They put it across as being a good parent. Just wanting the best for us, to make sure we don't get

mixed up in all the wrong things.

There is no nice person there. Barely a person. Just a cold hearted and emotionless... thing.

I can't even refer to them as my parents anymore. Not after finding out the truth. The real truth. Not

the bullshit I have been told these past eighteen years.

Going to school, we always learnt how science created everything. That there are impossibilities

in the world. Certain things that can never happen.

This is what we told. This is what the facts were. It was adults teaching us, so of course, it all had to

be true.

I say I was simple minded. As a child, yes, I was simple minded, always listening to the adults. But

getting older, I realised things were not so simple. Everything was a lot more complicated that it

seemed.

The secret conversations, the whispering. The way everyone stopped talking as I walked into the room.

So, why was all of this happening? Why were our parents lying to us.

They were not told too. They were not ordered too.

They were just made to do it. Pre-programmed.

A pre-programmed parent.

Okay, so I made it this far, I'd discovered this much. The people standing in front of me, the people

I live with. They are not my parents. They never were. No one's parents are real.

I did the research. Studied the books, and worked out my theory.

They were taken. Our real parents. The real adults were taken. Replaced with these things. Like an

abduction.

But, I don't believe in aliens, and i'm pretty certain no one else does. So what could these things

be? If they are not my real parents. And they are not human. What are they?

A figment of imagination? A mind trick? An illusion...

No, it's all real. I'm one hundred percent certain they are real. It's just the matter of what they are.

What created them, and where the real one's are.

Who is leading them. Who has taken my parents hostage.

What is the price I have to pay to get them back?

My life? My knowledge? My sanity?

One thing for sure, they can't have my sanity, thats already been taken.

Another thing for sure, I have no knowledge. Never had any to begin with.

But my life? Sure, they could take my life. They could take it if it meant getting everyone back.

If I could get the real adults back. Make everyone safe again, I would give my life.

And what would my life be worth? What would it be worth to them? Why should I give my life to them,

when I could end it myself. End this suffering. The worry I have been carrying.

I would no longer have to think about where everyone is. No longer have to think about how I could

get out of it... get everyone out of it.

It'd be like turning out a light. And waking up to a whole new world. I would leave behind a place with

no love, and find a place filled with it.

Hush now. Darling, hush. No more nightmares. No more screaming. Just a land filled with peace and

truth.

Nothing more to dwell on.

Nothing more to think about.

Hush, hush. There is a whole new life ahead of you. A new doorway has opened. And I'm going to be

the first to step through. I will be the first to escape.

Shhhh. Time to be reborn.


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User avatar
67 Reviews


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Reviews: 67

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Fri Dec 14, 2012 7:45 am
DarknecrosisX wrote a review...



This piece shows signs of potential, should it be continued into a story, however, if it were to do so, this part gives away too much about the plotline, the character considers his/her fate a fair bit, which will make the story quite predictable.

However, even if that's not the case, there were some literary techniques that you almost overused. Now, sentence structure. I saw many simple sentences in this piece, which are certainly useful for creating tension, however, they pretty much made it up, which is not exactly a good idea. The constant use of full-stops order the reader to stop... then start... then stop. Commas are used in here, a few compound sentences (two independent clauses connected by a comma or connective), but there were no complex sentences that I spotted (a subordinate clause joined by one or more dependent clauses). Remember to use a variety of sentence structures to keep the flow in the piece and not keep the reader stop-starting.

Okay, onto grammatical and spelling errors:

Its always been a mystery to me.

Should be- It's always been a mystery to me. (the apostrophe for 'has')

The ones who have seen whats out...

Should be- The ones who have seen what's out...

If they truely knew...

Should be- If they truly knew...

Why were our parents lying to us.

Should be- Why were out parents lying to us?

the real one's are.

Should be- the real ones are.

So you need to make sure you don't make little mistakes like that. However, I like where you're going with this, and it would be surprising if you didn't continue it. Either way, you definitely used imagery well, the metaphors and similes worked effectively and gave a very precise and descriptive picture of what your character was thinking. This piece was well written, but definitely think about using a range of sentence structures to give a variation of effects on your audience, rather than stop-starting.

Regards
DNX




Clarity says...


Thankyou! I really need to work on how to use apostrophies... not ver good at it yet :/ But thanks for your help!



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67 Reviews


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Reviews: 67

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Sun Dec 02, 2012 10:58 pm
Epicdonkalous says...



Hey there!

You asked for my review, but I have nothing to add that someone else hasn't.




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Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:43 pm
Sourdude16 wrote a review...



I think this is a good post. I like how you make the reader think and how the view makes a person remember some of the crazy things they thought as a kid. The format is good, but the idea is slightly vague and repetitive. I noticed that you repeated some stuff in the beginning, so take note of it. Other then that, watch grammar, as there are incomplete sentences in the work. As with the punctuation, try to vary the punctuation some to give the work some extra "life". The work has an overall great concept and I look forward to reading more.

Keep Writing.




Clarity says...


Thankyou!



Sourdude16 says...


no prob



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Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:09 pm
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hm.

I like the concept of it. But here are my observations: The first half is thought-provocative, which makes it catchy and we want that. But then it just becomes the typical teenage rant, and that is just... as attractive as Gibby... *blinks* =|

Spoiler! :
Image


So here are my suggestions; re-read your writing, take your words and play with them until what you've said is expressed in a way that it is able to make a parent understand what you feel. Perhaps, bring them back to the past when they felt just like you are feeling now. Don't make it about you; make it about the problem, so more people can relate to it.

Overall, it's decent; could be better, though. And I know you can do it. :)




Clarity says...


Thanks Gee, but what I think hasn't come across yet, since it isn't finished... is why she thinks this of parents... It's not meant to be a typical teenage rant. There is a story behind it... I just need to put it in! :)



GeeLyria says...


*nods* Roger that.



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Sun Dec 02, 2012 6:32 pm
MasterGrieves wrote a review...



Yo yo yo. This is I, by request. :)

I understand this is unfinished and has no name, but I shall review it anyway as it is. I understand you've told me this is a diary entry, but so far (in my opinion) it feels like the person is talking to him/herself like they are locked in a room. This is very personal and that's just the impression I get.

Certain parts of your piece aim at being very descriptive:

"It's a facade, a mask fitted perfectly. Filled with lies. Meant to make us trust them. We were brought up to trust the adults. To trust our parents. We had to trust them. Remember? They know everything. Which is why I know, they truely do know what is out there. Why I know they lie to us. They put it across as being a good parent. Just wanting the best for us, to make sure we don't get mixed up in all the wrong things."

This bit in particular is beautifully written, and I love how you use the metaphor of a mask to describe the lies parents tell children. I like how this narrator is sort of borderline psychotic, though this may not be the intention. It seems a bit too descriptive and emotional to be a simple diary extract; it could be a lot more if you develop it accordingly.

In fact, I prefer the idea that this person is very very unstable, although this is something you do not wish to write. I really like this person's insistence that everyone else seems to be against them, conveying a sense of teenage angst and rebellion.

"There is no nice person there. Barely a person. Just a cold hearted and emotionless... thing."

This one particularly caught my eye, mainly because it was separated from your last paragraph. What I really enjoyed too about this paragraph was the fact you used "barely" a person, to show that adults are not entirely evil or bad.

"I can't even refer to them as my parents anymore. Not after finding out the truth. The real truth. Not the bullshit I have been told these past eighteen years."

A potential divorce...? He/she has a mental illness? Again, this is something you could develop much further.

I eagerly await your next move, Clar-bear. For this writing shtick is a game of chess, and will only finish by the checkmate.

Hope you found this helpful! :D




Clarity says...


Thanks AJ, I guess it does seem as though the person is borderline psychotic... I'll make improvements!:)




I think the best thing about making it into the quote generator is when nobody tells you, so one day you're just scrolling and voila, some phenomenally inane thing that crawled out of your dying synapses and immediately regretted being born the second it made contact with the air has been archived for all time. Or worse, a remark of only average inanity. Never tell me when you've put me in the generator. Pride-tinged regret just doesn't taste the same without the spice of surprise.
— SirenCymbaline