"the kind that's born on trees / and dies in throats" - I love this line(s)
I really like the almost dual-narrative you have going on. I feel like I cannot really critique it.
Our relationship is framed
and I am your seedless pear,
the one you call your still-life
wall prize.
Such art! curves and simple lines!
you say, but I could never understand exactly
why you have me around.
I just hang here,
juicy in imagination only (let's be frank)
Flat and framed, I have no future,
but you insist there's depth inside.
I want to be real fruit, none of that market stuff, the kind that's born on trees
and dies in throats. You want companions on your walls—longevity.
There's still an intimacy here! you say
you chose that pear specifically,
like it's a window to a different world on the fringe of peripheral dreams,
where you cannot know my thoughts,
my intentions, feelings
so you fill them in yourself
and then go frame it on the wall.
"the kind that's born on trees / and dies in throats" - I love this line(s)
I really like the almost dual-narrative you have going on. I feel like I cannot really critique it.
Audy, you make me want to write again. <3
I am too tired/sick/brain dead to have too much to comment on, so just a few things:
(and if you want me to look at anything else later, just ask!)
Last stanza, why not "my feelings"? then it's all parallel and shiny.
Third stanza feels disjointed. If you want it to be like that, keep it! Otherwise, here's my thought... and forgive me not getting the formatting right.
I just hang here,
juicy in imagination only
Flat and framed,
but you insist there's depth inside.
Otherwise, it's juicy! And I miss reading and writing poetry the more times I read this, so I need to stop now. <3
and your last two lines are just killer. killer
I like the ideas in this poem, but I think it may have just a few too many. I understand the fruit metaphor, but not so much as to why you have chosen a pear specifically.
This stanza is good:
Such art! curves and simple lines!
you say, but I could never understand exactly
why you have me around.
I think you hit a high point with your ideas here, but after this I think the form gets a little bit wonky, especially in the fourth section where your poem turns into almost straight prose. I think the way the form is segmented may be disrupting the flow of your ideas. Form is essential in allowing a poem to be read smoothly.
Pears are womanly-shaped, lol x) I aimed for the prose-feel, because I wanted more of a voice/drawl than a lyric/music.
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