z

Young Writers Society



Sickness

by jcha92


Oh how desperate the thinking man is.

For the man thinks he is desperate, and so he is.

If he only did not think, 
if only he wouldn't scratch at his wounds,
releasing the infected pus
stored under his skin --
he is his own sickness,
his self, his misery.

A sickness he has born,
from the void he has authored 
questions unanswered,
emotions unmastered,
and loves unrequited.

But what motivates his thoughts,
'tis nothing more than death,
since life, he thinks, finds value
economically, that is 
death makes life scarce
and drives up its market price.

So he is motivated to give it meaning,
to vindicate his intuitions,
but instead he finds all attempts subdued,
so he panics and commits the greatest folly,
and conjures a thought
to give meaning 
to life.

What is man, 
that he should create
meaning from void?

Should he not be content
to call upon the meanings pre-established
by culture, society, and God Almighty?

He could never be his own foundation,
so his tower will always wane and falter
at the slightest breeze -- he dared to think
he could author a new genesis, 
blasphemy!

What is Your verdict 
O God Almighty?

How shall we torment
this man who profanes
Your world divine,
with his mortal thoughts?

But, before you impart 
Your perfect judgment,
won't You pity the being
whom You've made the fool?

Man cannot help
but to think vain thoughts --
as the maggot squirms
in fleshly remains.

His nature is Yours,
for in Your image he is made,
and in his nature You are known.

Pity the soul
who finds darkness in thought,
for truly there is greater revelation
in ignorance divine.

Shine Your grace upon the souls lost,
that they may bask upon Your radiance holy.

Blind them with a light so bright,
the darkness proves better solace,
and watch as they shrink in fear
and squirm in derision.

Oh man is cursed,
so dreadfully cursed to think
and to find no resolute answer
but the blinding light 
devoid of all thought.

So the wise man 
is often a recluse,
humbled by knowing his ignorance
and deprived of all thought.

To think one can know,
is the first step of folly,
his life a hypocrisy,
and each day a sickness.

Think not brethren,
and live upright.

For you are forsaken,
your thoughts have forsaken you.
 

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67 Reviews

Points: 1337
Reviews: 67

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Sat Dec 01, 2012 2:36 am
indieeloise wrote a review...



Salutations!~

First of all, I love the two opening lines. The whole piece has a timeless appeal to it - reminds me a lot of classic Walt Whitman, and I adore Whitman.


"releasing the infected puss
stored under his sking --"

Minor spelling errors here. "Puss" is a feline/cat; I believe the word you're looking for here is "pus." And I'm assuming "sking" was meant to be "skin"?


"...the void he has authored
questions unanswered,
emotions unmastered,
and loves unrequited."

Flawless. ^^

"So he is motivated to give it meaning,
to vindicate his intuitions,
but instead he finds all attempts subdued,
so he panics and commits the greatest folly,
and conjures a thought
to give meaning
to life."

I've noticed that you have a lot of "so's" in this stanza. If I were you, I would reduce these to the bare minimum. When you have that many repetitive conjunctions, your writing starts to sound like one big run-on sentence, taking away from the meat of the poem.
My revision:
"Motivated to give it meaning,
he vindicates his intuitions,
but finds instead all attempts subdued,
he panics and commits the greatest folly,"

I really like the phrase "culture, society, and God Almighty". Like I said, the vocabulary and syntax you use is timeless - this sounds like something you'd find in a country's Constitution (life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - heehee).

"He could never be his own foundation,
so his tower will always wane and falter
at the slightest breeze -- he dared to think
he could author a new genesis,
blasphemy!"
This point really speaks to me. I'm at a similar place in my life as your main character, and as a follower of Jesus I needed to read this!

"as the maggot squirms
in fleshly remains."
Lovely imagery. ^^

Wonderful ending stanza! I loved the whole thing and will save it in my documents to look back on! Thanks for a beautiful and thought-provoking read.

~Indie.




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Points: 791
Reviews: 2

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Tue Nov 06, 2012 6:30 am
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miikkee54 wrote a review...



First i'd like to just say wow! that was a powerful piece of literature, the intensity and the imagery really stood out to me. I have to say i loved this!!

But, before you impart
Your perfect judgment,
won't You pity the being
whom You've made the fool?

The entire poem, was so original and i have to say i love the twist of how 'we are made in God's image' is looked at in this. I think i really understood what you where saying in this but either way i enjoyed reading it and hope to see new work soon. Great job




jcha92 says...


Thank you very much for taking your time to read this.




I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
— Dilbert