I heard a song about trees being overgrown
And that’s when I remembered you calling me beautiful.
Silence cascaded down,
Like a dinning room tablecloth,
And I saw our relationship.
The first time I asked you to trust me,
And the way you always made me whisper something funny.
I wanted to jump off a swing with my hand in yours.
You laughed each time I licked my lips,
Because it meant I was thinking I loved you.
I could taste smoke in a teacup
And hear sound engulf a silent film,
If you kissed my neck.
You defined forever in heartbeats tied within seconds
And taught me to fall in love,
Like a snowflake falls to the ground.
You told me I broke you out of your lifestyle
That had been framed as though it was a picture,
And showed you to fly without needing a hot air balloon.
We discussed superhero’s
And fought over who saved who.
We compared the difference between our hearts
And the stars.
My eyes became a lens to your world,
And looking at it now,
I didn’t have a close enough zoom.
You presented me with the extra little things in life
And convinced me to ask for more sugar please.
I lived in black coffee,
You became my cream.
We danced in the rain
And said the sky was screaming for security.
We talked about jumping on clouds like a trampoline,
And driving because we wanted to feel the wind.
We wrote our own lullabies.
You said they shouldn’t rhyme.
We built our own faith
And we never believed in something being too late.
We held our breaths and counted to ten
Because if we felt like children again
We could just as easily recreate ourselves,
Like we did back then.
We woke up on a Tuesday
And you decided to die far away from tomorrow
I borrowed your heart and you stole mine.
I told you to build me a home,
In the space created between my body and yours.
You asked me to be the only one
Who could tell if you were truly fine.
As I gave you my pinky
And said you had to promise me
I’d find no need for a safety net.
Then I remembered the pain,
Dyed into the fabric of our relationship
And I began breathing oxygen instead of memories again.
I licked my lips and instantly missed you.
I wanted to taste more than just tea in my cup
As I wondered what you were thinking
And if you missed saying my name.
I recited your name in my head
And noticed the leaves for the very first time.
Seasons were changing and time was progressing without you,
Snowflakes would be falling soon,
And it made me feel like coming home.
I loved this.
Yes there are things that could be improved but I think it is still fantastic without it.
It is very truthful I think and that's why it's so good.
I do agree with the last review you should possibly consider changing the format a bit as they are times when there is very little flow and it distraught me because you go from it flowing incredibly well to it not flowing anymore. Go through tidy it up and the flow will come, don't force anything.
The link between the first and second stanza is very weak. I feel as if it's because the first stanza is the worst one. It feels as if you wanted to open with a very beautiful stanza that said exactly what sort of poem this was going to be.
I don't know if I'm making much sense but I think if maybe you tried not forcing the figurative language and description it could be better.
For example:
"Silence cascaded down,
Like a dinning room tablecloth,"
I don't like this comparison, I know Rydia mentioned it as well and what she said is right. It's weak, it means absolutely nothing to me. It's a table clothe, maybe it it was a table clothe of importance and significance, but it doesn't say it is so it means nothing.
Just go through fix a few bits and pieces and it will be fantastic! Take away the bits that aren't necessary and work on the ones that add meaning to the story.
If you have any questions message me.
Nargles xx
Hi there!
First off, I have very mixed feelings about this poem; there was a moment in the middle there where I wasn't sure if I'd finish reading it and I had to reason with myself that I'd come to review and if I was struggling with the poem, that was all the more reason to stay until the end and tell you what made me feel that way. But on the other hand, the ending of this turned my thoughts around somewhat and there were a few lines in here that had such a casual, easy-to-read pace that I did find myself moving smoothly to the next. If you can get the balance right between hook and length, I think you'll have a strong poem.
Specifics
1. I think the format of this isn't working for you; it's too long not to split it up. Even if you only divide it into three stanzas, that will make it visually much better and more people will be willing to read it. The way a poem looks really does effect the way people feel about it so you have to think carefully when setting a poem out.
2. The first two lines are great but then the third is very abrupt and that was difficult as you didn't change tone, which is something you'd usually expect from such a sharp switch. Then I realised you do this a few times throughout. I think you need to smooth those parts as the conversational, easy-going flow is brilliant when you keep it up. For example, I'd do this to your first section:
I heard a song about trees being overgrown
And that’s when I remembered you calling me beautiful;
Silence cascading down,
Like a
dinningdining room tablecloth, <<< dining room is a weak description, it adds nothing to this image. By definition the tablecloth is on a table in a dining room because that's where they go so don't waste words. Instead you could describe the texture of it or the age. Or maybe something as simple as an 'autumn' tablecloth?And I saw our relationship.
3. Your transition into the next part is a little halting as well. It feels too fragmented when placed against the prosaic sentences you use. Perhaps you could start with, 'I saw the first time...' to link back to the previous line.
4. Okay so the middle section. My trouble with this was you introduced so many snap-shot images and some of them were great, but some were so underdeveloped that we barely got a glimpse before you were moving to the next. I think you need to either make them flow better and make it feel like someone flipping through a photo book. Or choose a couple of favourites and expand on those images; explain. Why did he say never to write in rhyme? What did that mean to him or to them?
Overall
There's a lot of strengths in this, the return points with the coffee and cream/ tea and the snowflakes and the licking the lips. Those are really effective in the last part as they reflect the theme so strongly, that idea of memory and of looking back. But there's a lot of throwaway things like dancing in the rain and writing lullabies which don't rhyme, which felt empty because there weren't enough explanations given.
Take a second look at this and trim those edges, tidy the flow. Other than that, good work and I wish you the best of luck with it,
Heather xxx