Hey Heus!
Thanks for requesting a review! I see that you're new here, so welcome. Feel free to PM me if you need any help navigating the site, or have any other questions in general. I must say that you're very brave, asking for a review after the smilie I used. xD
Just a quick warning before I begin the review: I state every complaint that comes to mind in my reviews, from grammar, to spelling, to plot, to structure- everything. So, even if you get a lengthy review, don't assume that it means that I don't enjoy your piece. I'm just good at complaining.
So, without further ado, I give you:
~ Miniscule nitpick, but I'd rephrase: "Taron woke feeling entirely contented." Or something that doesn't use both 'very' and 'indeed' in the same sentence.Taron woke up feeling very contented indeed.
~ 'the last' implies that most of the sleep is already gone, making the 'few' rather repetitive. I'd nix it.Blinking his eyes to clear away the last few remnants of sleep
~ When placing emphasis on a word within an already italicized phrase, you simply have to un-italicized it- underlining it isn't neccessary. Also, when using the dots [...] to designate a pause- like when someone says "Wait a minute..." or "That can't be right..." mostly to themselves, it's generally accepted to use three dots, not four.That can't be right....
Taron began to feel sleepy again...but no, it didn't seem like a good idea to go back to sleep. The feeling of contentment was beginning to slip away, and what came in to replace it was too much like panic for his liking. He flicked his wings – when did I get wings, all I've ever had were two legs and two arms – as if there was something unpleasant clinging to their leathery hide. Stretching like a cat – speaking of those arms, where did they go, and why are there legs in their place – and feigning a yawn, he began to give in to the panic inside as the last remnants of the warm fuzzies drifted away.
~ Whoa, whoa, whoa...back up...he just found out HE HAS WINGS! Doesn't that warrant more...erm...panic?What was I thinking? I already noticed that – He shook his head, unwilling to finish the thought. It crept through anyway – I'm not human anymore.
I think that this is an excellent opportunity for character development. Give more emotions, more thoughts- and, I'm trying to be patient, but more details. How, exactly, did he wake up with wings? Did he randomly sprout them? Lose a bet? Got drunk? Does anything hurt? (Growing new organs, presumably, would be tiring, or make you sore)...
~ So he randomly sprouts wings, paces, falls on his face, and then accepts it? I think I'd be more panicked. Angrier. Annoyed. I don't know what temperment your character will have, but this is a good chance to expand.As he came to this inescapable conclusion, the panic slowly ebbed, until all that was left was resignation.
~ John is an independent name- not a shortened version of Jonathan. If you want to shorten Jonathan, you should leave the 'h' out of it. Just Jon.then punched John on the shoulder
~ xD Hahaha, I love this bit. It shows a good sense of humor- one that, Vypers at least, can connect with.“About as many times as I've said I'll stop when it stops being funny.”
~ There's nothing wrong with this, but...I am uncomfortable with using curses that involve God. This nitpick is on a completely personal level, but you might consider a different curse.“Ten bucks for a goddamn...
~ Heh. Changed his mind about that alcohol after all, did he? xDTaron stumbled into his house, his splitting headache making it difficult to walk straight.
~ This is pulling the reader back out of the story, and reminding them that they're reading- not participating. You want readers to feel as if they're participating in your story.Taron thought this was a bit odd, as usually when something like this happened in a book or movie, the person in question had a dream or a feeling that was indicative of the impending changes. Then again, that was just fiction, and you can't expect fiction to tell you what's going to happen in real life, even when real life gets weird.
However, there was one thing he picked up from fiction that did apply: he needed to get used to his new body as soon as he could.
I could almost see Jonathan smirking, rubbing his chest, saying that he'd stop scaring Taron when it stopped amusing him. It amused me, and made me think "Hey, that's something I would do...actually, that's something I have done...I should use that." Which got me involved, which was good. Did that make any sense?
~ I like that you're trying to maintain a logical, present-mindedness, like a human- even though he's in a dragon's body, but this doesn't seem likely. Nobody, man or dragon, would think "I don't know about physiology, but I think it's safe to assume that I need to eat." That's fairly obvious. He'd think something more like "I'm hungry." or something.Over the past hour or so, he'd been getting thirsty, and while he didn't exactly know dragon physiology, he thought it was safe to assume that water and food were things that he would need to obtain if he were to survive.
~ You went from having a fairly engaging story to 'telly'. It seems like it's written in...maybe...first person? It seems like third-person, but with his thoughts in the beginning, it might be first...either way- thoughts are a better way to go.Upon catching sight of the water, he realized that he was absolutely parched. Without a moment's hesitation, he stepped forward and dipped his head so that he could drink. Once he'd satisfied his thirst, he realized that he had no idea how dragons drink. He also noted that this lack of knowledge wasn't stopping him from doing anything, so he didn't worry about it too much.
This piece is far too short to explain the transformation- you need emotions, (I.E. "Dragons are cool. At least I didn't get turned into something lame, like a troll." or "How the hell did this happen?" or something that give insite.) Is he angry? Happy? Confused? Bewildered? How does this make him FEEL? And not just that he realized that he's parched.
It's rather obvious to the reader that his lack of knowledge didn't stop him- by pointing it out, you pointed back to the fact that you're not giving emotions or descriptions.
~ Wow. I really love this description.As the water threatened to turn into a bloody caricature of the heavens,
~ Whoa. A minute ago he was trying to figure out how to drink- and now he's using mental powers?As the water threatened to turn into a bloody caricature of the heavens,
~ Hahaha, I think that you summed the ending up quite nicely. It's just one of those moments, huh? xD“...What the fuck.”
Well...while I like this...I do need to warn that you should've put an age-rating on it. F-bombs are a bit...well...strong. Little kids, and the gentler souls on the site, appreciate warning-- of course, I'd have read it anyway.
~~~~~~
Overall, I really did enjoy your tale. You've got an interesting storyline, so far. Most stories don't start off with a dude suddenly becoming a dragon. Very cool. It makes me wonder if he'll be a shapeshifter-choosing to take the form of man or beast, depending- or if he'll be stuck as a dragon.
But you left alot of your story undeveloped. I don't know how old Taron is/was. How old Jonathan is. Why it's okay for Jonathan to threaten to smash Taron's lamps if he didn't go to a football game- is Jon a bully, or have they been friends long enough that such a threat would be playful, not offensive? Where do they live? What do they LOOK like? I still haven't the slightest clue.
Was Taron tall or short? Skinny or chubby? Have long hair or short? Was it black? brown? red? blond? His skin color/ ethnicity? How old is he? Why is going to the football game significant? What sort of world is this? How did Taron fall asleep in his bed and wake up on the ground as a dragon? How did he transport? Where is he now?
Alright, I've finished beating that dead horse, I think. I'll just sum it up with: work on character and world development. Make me CARE about Taron, and Jonathan too, if he's got a part on the story. It's okay to slow a story down to add description and drama- that's part of the fun.
I hope this wasn't too harsh. I did quite like the story.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Points: 2806
Reviews: 935
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