z

Young Writers Society



The Second Star to the Right- Chapter 1

by anna91423


Alice Gamble

My new folder was clutched tightly to my chest as I attempted to navigate the school corridors on the first day of term. Same school I’d been to for the last five years, and yet I still felt as though I was in unchartered territory with no compass for guidance. This was partially because I was now a member of the sixth form, and this meant being in a wholly different part of the school, but it was mostly because my two best friends had left to join the ‘real world’. So, with freshly ironed clothes, brand new stationary, and unrushed-flick-and-all eyeliner, I cautiously walked the corridor with my head buried in the map page of my planner (not that it was much use).

It was, perhaps, because of the head-buried-state that I walked in to the door. I stumbled back, confused and with a throbbing head. My folder flew out of my hands and smacked on to the floor, a few stray papers from the induction day littering the corridor. I continued to back away, and felt a strong hand grip my elbow and steady me, followed by the sound of laughter next to my ear. I spun around indignantly, but my face cracked into a grin when I saw Charlie standing there,

“Nice to see you haven’t changed Gamble” he said good naturedly, propping me up,

“Fuck off Charlie!” I laughed, bending down to pick up my folder, “and errrmmm, y’know, thanks for catching me…” He smirked,

“No problemo” He assured me, scooping the fallen papers from the floor and proceeding to take the folder from me and slot them back into place. I couldn’t help but stare as his blonde hair flopped dangerously close to the folder when he bent his head. He glanced up at me, and it just brushed the lashes of his ocean coloured eyes. He swiped it away in a distantly-annoyed way.

Then came the awkward silence. The kind of silence where you both know you’re thinking the same thing, and you’re standing close enough to act upon that thing, but neither of you is brave enough to move. We were stuck, as though in a trance, just looking at each other, taking in the minor differences in a person’s appearance over six weeks.

I broke the spell. I coughed, and glanced down at my feet, noting that he too was wearing converse shoes,

“Your voice got deeper.” I ventured, he snort laughed,

“My voice broke in year ten”

“I know. But it got even deeper.” I insisted.

“You shrunk” he retorted,

“No! You grew!” We both laughed, and I had a flash of remembering the day we met, when we were eleven and starting secondary school and our tutor group had to line up in order of height, I was third tallest in the class and he was fourth, which meant we sat next to each other all that year. By the next year we’d swapped places in the line, and by the next I was somewhere in the middle and he was second. I remembered what a competition those height lines were.

“Where are you going?” he asked me,

“Umm, philosophy, but I don’t know where H11 is.”

“I’ve got ICT in H10, I’ll walk you.” He offered, and so we walked.

Charlie Freed

I was a little out of breath when I reached the sixth form corridor, I’d got up late (too used to summer holiday lie-ins no doubt!) and had run to school. But, miraculously, it seemed as though I had made it with even time enough not to have to rush too much to first lesson. So, there I was, slowly making my way down the corridor and playing the name-game, an invention of mine for my own entertainment. I’ll look at a stranger, see what they’re wearing and the way in which they walk, and guess their name. I’d already passed a Fred (over weight, Harry Potter glasses, and cheesy smile), and a Fiona (tall, tied back hair and in a rush), when I saw her. She had long hair that walked the margin between blonde and brunette, and cascaded a little messily down her back and across her shoulders. She walked in short bursts of power, followed by slower lulls where her head would be bent over something. I imagined her face would be beautiful, in an unconventional way, like an abstract master piece; completely perfect but misunderstood and misinterpreted by the majority. Her name would be something old fashioned, but quirky and timeless…Olive? Ava? Elizabeth?

She walked into a door. That’s when I realised it was Alice Gamble. I ran forward to catch her, a laugh already forming on my lips. She spun around to face me and I was struck, by how accurate I was with my guessing. I’d never considered Alice in the same way I consider strangers in my game, after you’ve known someone for five years you don’t tend to really stop and consider them, but now I did. Alice had change a lot from the pre-pubescent eleven year old with the wonky glasses I met so long ago. Now she stoodbefore me with structured cheek bones unobscured by baby fat as they once had been, her freckles, which had once covered the majority of her face, were now faint and far between (although I was glad for the fact they hadn’t disappeared completely), her wild emerald eyes where lined with thick black, as though she’d drawn around them with a marker pen, but even so they hinted at youthfulness. The only other clues that she hadn’t fully escaped never-land just yet was the toothy child-like grin she presented me with, and the pink flush of her cheeks.

We joked with one another a little and I walked her to class, but the whole time I kept getting distracted by those eyes. Eyes I’d seen five days a week for the last three years, so familiar and comforting and consistent, and yet all of a sudden I couldn’t bring myself to look straight at them for fear of blushing. At the door of H10, we departed ways, and I watched her walk through the doorway of her classroom until the last stray strand of hair had disappeared from view, and thought that, really, no name suited her better than the one she’d been given; Alice.

I turned to enter my own classroom, but felt my phone vibrate. I dug around in my pocket, entered the pass code, and looked at the text, “Good luck on your first day babe, love you! Xxx”. It was Belle, my girlfriend of five weeks. We’d met at the start of summer and had instantly clicked, she went to a different school, but we were in love so we’d make it work anyway. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, my heart sunk when I read the text, and when I thought about having to tell Alice about Belle, my heart was quick to rise hard, fast and sickeningly to try and choke me…

You too sweetie, love you more! Xxx” I pressed reply.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
277 Reviews


Points: 7061
Reviews: 277

Donate
Sun Jan 27, 2013 5:37 pm
Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Hey Anna and Puckerman,

This is primarily a review of Puckerman reviewed on his own review, but feel free to listen in, Anna. Hopefully this will prove useful feedback for the both of you.

Firstly, formatting your reviews as a creative piece is an interesting device, Puckerman. I'm in two minds about it. On the one hand it gives you a chance to practice your craft, while on the other hand, it overburdens your reviews with flowery stuff completely irrelevant to the advice you are imparting. One of the most important skills any writer can learn is the ability to say what needs to be said concisely.

Even in writing creatively, often the more you write, the less you say. Writing is about identifying the pieces that will make your story magical, and presenting them in a concise channeled surge designed to knock the reader off their feet. One of the best ways to master this is to do so with functional writing pieces such as good reviews. Through sharpening your reviewing scalpel into a tool with surgical precision, your creative skills will grow leaps and bounds.

If you do want to keep your reviews creative, please do try to condense the contents so as to maximize their potency. Repetition is not necessary.

Your critiques as I understand them boil down to the following:
1) You find the genre of highschool romance cliched and overdone.
2) You find that Alice's feelings take a prominent stand, but at the expense of the story itself.
3) You feel that Charlie's character is shallow and superficial.
4) You don't like the bracketed descriptions.

To the first: genre in and of itself is never really a limitation on a story. I felt that the problem was not the romantic themes, but the lack of tension. There was nothing to pressure me to engage with the story. I feared nothing, I wondered nothing, and therefore I was unengaged.

To the second: I agree with this point mostly. Emotions should be subtly interwoven within the story, not thrust out to meet the reader.

To the third: You have to be more specific with a criticism like this. What are these secrets Charlie has that you refer to? What makes him seem superficial.

To the fourth: If you get insulted by brackets, you are a hypersensitive reader. Personally, I don't think the bracketed sections are necessary, but I hardly find them insulting.

Finally, I would review this piece pretty differently, but that's just me. There is one point that I want to make to perhaps broaden your scope as a reviewer. If you look at this story, it strikes me as a rather whimsical piece, highlighting a selection of the writer's fantasies. It is important for a writer to be objective with their characters in order to maintain tension and character realism. It is always valuable for a reader to understand whether they are sufficiently distanced from their story, and as a writer yourself, noticing these things will greatly improve your writing.

That's it for now,
Yoda




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:53 am
View Likes
VictoriaJS wrote a review...



Wow this is really good! ^^ I love the way you described her eyes at the end. I wish i could write like this! This is a really amazing story. There are no errors that i can see, it just seems perfect! can't wait to read the rest.
-Vicky




User avatar
133 Reviews


Points: 1053
Reviews: 133

Donate
Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:14 am
ShakespeareWallah wrote a review...



I hereby have attached an open letter to one Ms. Alice Gamble.

For the desk of:
Ms. Alice Gamble,
Currently in Sixth form

From the desk of:
Puck,
A reader ( and occasional reviewer of horrible reviews) of the glorious YWS.

Dear Ms. Gamble,

Ma'am.
I apologize for taking this means to convey my words to you. I simply do not know where you live due to your creator ( by whom I mean, the lovely Ms. Anna) who had not divulged such information in this very sensual piece of literature.
I do hope, however, that you get this open letter which I have posted in this site and take account of the few words I have to express concerning this chapter.

I, also, wish that you would convey to your creator ( Ms. Anna) that this was quite short and yours truly enjoyed it so much that he wished for more.
But, Your behaviors did, in a minor way, astonish me. You acted like a normal teenager ( which I don't have any problem with) but that was what it all was. An average young adult account of romanticized life in middle school, which in turn has been done countless times.

Now I hope that you don't take me wrong. I am a big fan of your creator. I love her poems which are full of imagery and are quite fresh. I am, just, giving my honest opinion. There are also many things that took me by awe. How you described your surrounding in your first day of school, how everything looks different.
your certain words such as

So, with freshly ironed clothes, brand new stationary, and unrushed-flick-and-all eyeliner, I cautiously walked the corridor with my head buried in the map page of my planner (not that it was much use).
was quite nice to hear.
I have previously said it but I will say it again. It was quite Sensual and full of playfulness and, also, witty.

Now, I should not be digressing. You seem to be quite a nice girl for your age, Alice (please forgive my eagerness in coming to first-name basis this early). Yet your behaviors really tone out the story. You help show the ultimate realizations of coming of age, of becoming a lady. No no, I'm not flirting with you. I'm Just telling you what I felt when I read the piece on top.

Now to come to the upshot of this letter. The reason I went into this means is to tell you something serious. Now, I'd like to say something before I proceed, I'm not actually the one who speaks behind people backs, But this Charlie has secrets.
I know nobody likes a stranger probing into their personal lives, But I've seen stuff.
Believe me, I have gone through his consciousness. His thoughts and behaviors seem more complex than your consciousness ( I hope it was intended by the creator, her excellency Ms. Anna) which I find a little disturbing. I, also don't like the way he describes others. such as like this:
I%u2019d already passed a Fred (over weight, Harry Potter glasses, and cheesy smile), and a Fiona (tall, tied back hair and in a rush), when I saw her. She had long hair that walked the margin between blonde and brunette, and cascaded a little messily down her back and across her shoulders. She walked in short bursts of power, followed by slower lulls where her head would be bent over something. I imagined her face would be beautiful, in an unconventional way, like an abstract master piece


I find this very insulting. you know, doing descriptions between brackets. It feels as if your creator is taking short-cuts.

Anyway, I think I shall stop for now. Please convey my gratitude to your creator for giving me the pleasure to read such an enjoying tale.
I shall take my leave now

Puck

P.S.= I think Mr. Freed has fallen for you, Alice






Oops, Sorry for the italics. My computer's just acting up.



User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 1592
Reviews: 42

Donate
Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:53 pm
Raelyn723 wrote a review...



Wow. This was great! I didn't notice any errors or anything and just...wow. This was awesome. I really liked the description you used in here and the ending with the text messages? That was perfect. I have to say though, I would love some more background on the characters to come soon, like maybe in the next couple chapters or something? Anyways, please keep writing, I would love to read more of this!




User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 531
Reviews: 28

Donate
Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:23 pm
PeaceLuvPoems wrote a review...



This was great! You're a really good writer. This chapter was really good. I can only wonder how long it took you to write this. I love the character, Alice and Charlie. But I wasn't quite sure: Alice and Charlie are in love, right? Cause it seems like it to me...
Anyways, I love the words that you used in here, like 'cascaded' rather than just 'fell'(Alice's hair). I also really, really, really liked the chararcter's names. For me, that is one of the hardest things to come up in a story.

~PeaceLuvPoems






Ack! I posted it twice... srry! : P



User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 531
Reviews: 28

Donate
Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:23 pm
PeaceLuvPoems says...



This was great! You're a really good writer. This chapter was really good. I can only wonder how long it took you to write this. I love the character, Alice and Charlie. But I wasn't quite sure: Alice and Charlie are in love, right? Cause it seems like it to me...
Anyways, I love the words that you used in here, like 'cascaded' rather than just 'fell'(Alice's hair). I also really, really, really liked the chararcter's names. For me, that is one of the hardest things to come up in a story.

~PeaceLuvPoems




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 836
Reviews: 8

Donate
Tue Oct 23, 2012 6:57 pm
poemlovr wrote a review...



Wow, you are really good at writing! I really love your simile right here. It shows that you tried extremely hard on this first chapter! :

Same school I’d been to for the last five years, and yet I still felt as though I was in unchartered territory with no compass for guidance

I like it because you gave example on how lost she was and how you emphasized that fact by saying that her friends were also not there. I also liked how you explained hoe conflicted Charlie was. I look forward to your next chapter! Keep up the great work and I am sure that others will feel the same as I do.





I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47