z

Young Writers Society



Project Clair - Chapter 1

by Nerosns


Pulling an old worn out deer skin over his almost completely bare body, a young man struggled to find a comfortable sleeping position. The sun had fallen beyond a dense sea of trees in the distance casting shadow over a small clearing. The darkness hindered the visibility of his mid length dirty blonde hair. It was fairly straight but always looked a tattered mess. The most defining features of the young boy were his frosted blue eyes.

“Did you learn anything today Clair?” the boy said softly, thinking his sister may have already met her nights end.

With no immediate reply the boy lay there conscious of his breathing; too much for his liking. It burdened his mind like the steady ticking of a clock you can’t ignore, after every tick and you wait for the tock, wishing the silence would linger. The dusk brought with it mosquitos, buzzing around with little to no purpose. The odd one would occasionally find its way to the bare skin of the two children; looking for sweet blood to suckle over the night. Only fifteen seconds had passed when he finally heard the rustling of his sister turning to face him.

Only that Andrew has a violent arm. Clair spoke warmly, but her voice was coated with a light sadness. Hunting with the eldest of her three brothers all day had taken its toll on her, as well as giving her a lot to think about as she lay at night. Clair pushed hard against the ground, rising to an upright position facing her brother. Her light brown eyes were heavy as she pushed the untamed brown hair out of her face. Though fine and generally neat looking, her hair often became tangled between bathing times. Like any other girl, Clair loved her hair to bits. She let it grow long and washed it regularly. It was soft and very complementary to the rest of her facial features. The kind you would only see on a young woman such as herself.

“Don’t you agree Alex?” Clair said trying to break the silence since her last comment. She wiggled over to her brother in the sleeping bag he had made her for last year’s birthday. Feeling the comfort of his company she rested her head back against the ground.

The two siblings shared a special bond with one another; their love for each other made them inseparable. Something they had each developed over the years of shelter and security that their life had given them. The family had moved to their secluded forest home when war fuelled a great violence throughout Andrew; the continent in which they live. Andrew, the eldest of the four children was only four years of age when the family moved to the forest deep into the heart of Andrew. Because of this none of the children ever grew up knowing anybody outside their family, only the occasional few friends that came to stay from time to time. They had never seen how other families act within each other, just the love that they shared for their own.

With a shallow sigh, Alex lifted his head high enough to look Clair directly in her drowsy eyes just long enough to give her what barely passed as a smile. He closed his eyes and brought his legs up to meat his folded arms. Clair joyfully returned the smile even though Alex had already closed his eyes. She admired her older brother beyond self-recognition; cherishing the moments when they were alone most of all.

It wasn’t long before sleep began to take Alex under her warm & delusional embrace. Clair lightly touched upon the memories of her day before joining her brother in sleep. The thoughts had soon faded from her mind.

Line Break

The sweet smell of drying meat over a crackling fire tickled Alex’s strong senses; even in his sleep. The smell pulled him into a new found consciousness and his eyes snapped. He hadn’t eaten a decent meal all day; although even with an empty stomach his sleep left him feeling re-energised. He rolled over, answering the drawing aroma of the drying food but quickly squinted as the light of a fire reached his eyes. He recoiled quickly, nearly missing the dark silhouettes of his two brothers before the fire. He rolled back over onto his deer skin letting his eyes adjust. The gentle darkness felt much cooler on his eyes just like the shallow water of a small stream running over your feet.

Sitting around the small fire were Clair, Kai and Andrew. The flames danced and crackled in the darkness defining themselves against the black canvas sky; they appeared warm and exceedingly welcoming from where Alex had been sleeping. He took in a long deep breath and built up the enthusiasm he needed to move; pushing himself up off the ground hurt momentarily. He sat up to find small imprints of gravel and twigs on the palms of his hands. After a closer look you could see one of the smaller imprints was beginning to squeeze out a tiny bulb of blood. Alex wiped his palm and turned to look at his siblings properly now that his eyes had adjusted to the harsh light. They stared back as he yawned and stretched his forearms in front of them.

Good morning gorgeous, sleep well? The half slurred remark was made by Kai, the youngest of the three brothers. Kai was also the smallest sibling and even though he was older than Clair, his brothers treated him as the baby of the family by Alex and Andrew. He never let it get to him though; after all he had the bigger stomach and an appetite to prove it. He would devour anything unlucky enough to earn a seat on his plate. His brown hair always seemed to be full of dirt, dead leaves and from time to time a small twig. A scar protruded from the middle right of his upper lip on an angle towards his right cheek; A stick ran through his lip after he tripped over a mischievously placed tree root one day.

“Hey there buddy, I would’ve slept better with a full stomach.” Alex spoke quietly and smiled; though he felt energised he wished he was still asleep. “How about passing me one of those? Don’t go thinking your eating my fill again!” Alex pointed directly towards Kai’s hands, each of which held a decent portion of venison, pierced with a charcoaled stick long enough to reach into the fire. Alex’s mouth began to subtly water as he looked at the meat. A thin layer of crispy gave the food an overcooked appearance that hid the lean tender deer inside.

Kai pulled the meat back and grinned “I dunno man, you know me… can you really expect me give up my food without a little scrap?” Kai laughed & winked at Alex in a joking manor.

“Just feed him fatty.” Said Andrew in a similar joking tone. Andrew was the quiet one of the group. He loved his family but never felt much need to communicate with them. Alex was the exception to this; his mother worried about it at times but tended to leave Andrew to his own ways. He had a hardened look to him, like he had to be strong for his younger siblings. His jaw line was very defined and his nose wore a small indentation on the side from where he had broken it recently. His hair was shorter and thicker than that of his brothers. His eyes were a bright blue; which was the most common recurring feature among the family.

“We have a whole deer here you can munch into, it’s not like the forest is running low on meat.” He was right; the forest had little-to-no predators. It was very safe to walk around alone.

“Alright alright alright I got it okay? Just relax Andy.” Kai exclaimed promptly, unsure whether or not Andrew’s demand held any true persuasion over him. It didn’t matter either way. Kai looked down at his hands, deciding which piece he wanted more. After a few seconds thought he threw Alex the stick of meat held in his left hand, which to nobody’s surprise was slightly smaller than the piece he kept for himself. Alex fumbled it briefly before getting good grasp on the stick. His stomach rumbled lightly as if to hurry him along. Kai stared right through his older brother in deep thought about how gracious his stomach would have been for the extra food; stopping only to smile at Alex. One corner of his mouth rose slightly higher than the other, making it almost disturbing to look at.

Alex was different in the presence of his brothers. He had to be tough for Kai to look up to and for Andrew to be proud of, to respect even. With no father to give them guidance they all did their best to teach each other how to be men. They learned how to craft weapons, hunt and survive in the forest all on their own, though trial and error played a big part of it.

Alex himself bared multiple scars around his torso; each one with its own thrilling story of course. One scar in particular gave him trouble. Alex still hadn’t lived down what had happened among his brothers. It was located just above his stomach and looked to span three inches long. He had run himself through with his favourite knife. A wild boar got the better of him on a hunt and sent him face first into the mud; it was almost the last anybody saw of Alex Deleiritae.

“Anyways”! Clair blurted out as she waved her arms high in the air for attention. “I had a brilliant day today, so thanks Andrew”! All three brothers acknowledged Clair with a smile; Andrew more so.

Andrew swallowed the piece of meat he had been tearing at with his teeth moments before.

“That’s... good I guess but did I even teach you anything?” Andrew, like the others loved Clair to bits.

“You sure did! You taught me to never dress up as a deer in a forest when my big brothers around!” Clair giggled & made a throwing gesture towards Kai in which he recoiled; it looked like she was trying to throw an invisible javelin right through his head. Alex smiled to himself and thought of the brief conversation they had earlier, this conversation was strikingly similar. Clair loved to talk, often repeating herself to her other brothers.

Andrew sighed before speaking, which appeared to be a great pain to him. “Yes, Alex and I have been hunting since we could hold weapons, you know this. Did you learn anything about the hunting itself?” Mitch exhaled steadily anticipating yet another witty response. He began to fidget with the healthy green grass surrounding him.

“Well… if anything I actually kind of I found, I found… understanding, I kinda get why you all do it now.” She looked around only to see three fallen jaws. She was overcome with joy when Alex’s expression changed to a smile. “You probably didn’t even realise at the time Andrew! But when you threw your spear at the deer... the way your whole face lit up when it hit the animal was beautiful. I’m still not sure if I could bring myself to do it though. Not without being desperate for food first. I get why you three enjoy it. But, I just can’t forget that I’m taking away the life of another creature…” Her voice dwindled until it was nothing more than an unheard vibration in her throat. She looked at her hands slowly turning them. She found it hard to look her brothers in the eyes. Her voice was sincere and invited a comforting response.

“That’s fine Clair; it’s absolutely fine that you feel that way. It’s my turn to take you hunting tomorrow; we’ll see how you go in the morning okay? Let’s not call it quits just yet.” Alex resisted the urge to pounce across the fire and hug his younger sister. The presence of his Kai and Andrew had saved her.

Clair’s lips pulled up into a half forced smile. “I couldn’t agree with you more… well not when I’m this tired anyway! I would like to go back to sleep please. I woke up even more tired than I was to begin with!” She quickly swallowed the last bite of meat on her kebab and rolled back over to her beloved worn-out deer skin that kept her warm while she had slept. “Good night everyone”!

Clair briefly waited for the comforting replies of her family before slowly shutting her heavy eye lids in relief.


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Sat Oct 20, 2012 7:56 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Nero!

I'll gladly review your first chapter. The prologue was a pleasure. :)

Jumping straight to the review:

dense sea of trees in the distance casting _shadow over a small clearing.
~ 'casting shadow' isn't okay. Either pick 'casting a shadow' or 'casting shadows', please.

...mid length dirty blonde hair. It was fairly straight but always looked a tattered mess.
~ The second sentence describes the hair, so it should be in the same sentence. Perhaps (not exactly) '...mid length dirty blond hair, which was fairly straight...'

The two siblings shared a special bond with one another; their love for each other made them inseparable. Something they had each developed over the years of shelter and security that their life had given them. The family had moved to their secluded forest home when war fuelled a great violence throughout Andrew; the continent in which they live. Blair, the eldest of the four children was only four years of age when the family moved to the forest deep into the heart of Andrew.
~ This is really 'telly'. Try a different approach to this information, since it is important.

I don't write in third person, so I'm not sure how to suggest you integrate this. In first person I'd simply make my protagonist reflect on the situation, having a memory, or something. You might add description. Have either Alex or Clair look at the other fondly, and put a bit about how they had grown to love each other so much, when most siblings would hate each other.

Also, naming your country 'Andrew' poses a big, huge, threat of mixing people up- especially since you named one of the boys 'Alex'. ‘Now was Alex the forest or the boy…?’ Just a warning.

He closed his eyes and brought his legs up to meat his folded arms.
~ This is meat, as in ground beef is meat- not meet, as in come together.

It wasn’t long before sleep began to take Alex under her warm & delusional embrace.
~ That is not okay. Symbols <+,-,&> etc aren't okay in writing. Use words please.

Line Break
~ Umm...Maybe...put little marks there instead. I typically use a row of ~~~, but some people use ---, and I've seen *** as well. Any is fine- just not 'line break' xD.

and his eyes snapped.
~ His eyes snapped...open?

He hadn’t eaten a decent meal all day; although even with an empty stomach his sleep left him feeling re-energised.
~ This is really choppy. Maybe: "Though a pain gnawed at his empty stomach, the sleep left him energized." Or something- also, energized is spelled with a z, not an s.

He took in a long deep breath and built up the enthusiasm
~ Enthusiasm isn't the right word, I think. Maybe 'effort' or something, instead of 'enthusiasm'.

Alex wiped his palm and turned to look at his siblings properly now that his eyes had adjusted to the harsh light.
~ Not sure that this adjective is where you want it. Where this is now makes it sound like he's 'properly' looking at his siblings, and I'm not sure that you can look at your siblings improperly. It seems like you should move it to just after 'had', so it reads that his eyes had properly adjusted.

Kai was also the smallest sibling and even though he was older than Clair, his brothers treated him as the baby of the family by Alex and Andrew.
~ This is fairly jumbled. So Alex and Andrew are his brothers, and older than him- but he's older than Clair, who's his sister, but the two boys treat him like a baby?

Don’t go thinking your eating my fill again.
~ 'your' makes it seem like it's a present tense- like Kai is currently eating his fill, instead of just eying it, because this should be a contraction, 'you're' not your, which is short for 'you are'. Maybe 'Don't think you can eat my fill again.'

pierced with a charcoaled stick long enough to reach into the fire.
~ Umm...I attack technicalities, as I'm sure you've probably noticed, but I think it's rather impossible to have a 'charcoaled stick'. Making charcoal involves lots of heat and pressure and, I'm pretty sure, chemicals. Sticks only get charred when you leave them in a fire too long.

A thin layer of crispy__ gave the food
~ Crispy what?

Kai laughed & winked at Alex in a joking manor.
~ No. Kill the '&'...maybe... "Kai laughed and winked at Alex mischievously."

“Just feed him fatty.” Said Andrew in a similar joking tone.
~ "Andrew answered jokingly,"- would flow better.

This next paragraph is really telly and dumps alot of information on the reader with very little warning. Maybe "His siblings turned towards him, surprised at his jest. Andrew rarely spoke, preferring to keep to himself most of the time." and then integrate the rest of the information a bit later.

the forest had little-to-no predators
~ This is 'slang', if you will. It's too modernish and conversational for writing. "The forest had few predators." Might suit this sentence a bit better...

Alright, alright, alright, I got it, okay? Just relax Andy.” Kai exclaimed promptly, unsure whether or not Andrew’s demand held any true persuasion over him.
~ I don't think that Andy seemed particularly excited- so I don't understand why Kai is so defensive. You might change this bit. If you do keep it, however, please insert commas.

“Anyways”! Clair blurted out as she waved her arms high in the air for attention. “I had a brilliant day today, so thanks Andrew”!
~ These exclaimation points belong within the quotation marks.

giggled & made a throwing gesture
~ Kill the &, please! :P

“Good night everyone”!
~ This exclaimation point belongs within the quotation marks as well.

~~~~~~~~~

Over all, I liked this piece. I really hope I wasn't too harsh- I get hung up on technicalities alot.

If you have any questions, or need any more help, feel free to PM me! :D

Keep Writing,

~Shady




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Points: 389
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Tue Oct 02, 2012 10:57 pm
Nerosns says...



Note: I am aware I have plenty of errors with inconsistent use of the correct words :p
This is simply a quickly revised draft ^^,




Nerosns says...


I fixed up the silly little errors, but the content is still identical :D




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