I don't know

What if this is another planet’s Hell? Or Heaven?

We know nothing.

I had met someone. From the moment I first saw him I knew that he’d change me. I actually hoped that he will turn my world upside down – for I thought it was the most boring world. He did. Not in a way that I wanted him to, though. However, I couldn't complain.

I was entirely positive that people wouldn’t call me boring or uninteresting person, although I thought I was one.  Maybe just being yourself does that to you – makes you think of yourself as the most boring person.  I don’t know.  I was pretty sure that my life was like a dull movie that you’ve accidently watched for fifteen times. Boring. Expectable. Boring.

I didn’t feel anything.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’

‘I’m Daria. Nice to meet you.’

‘J.’

‘May I ask you something?’

‘Sure.’

‘Are you one of those people who pretend to be reading the newspaper when what they’re actually doing is checking out hot waitresses?’

‘Um… Do I know you from somewhere?’

‘Don’t think so.’

‘Oh.’

‘So are you planning on answering my question or shall I leave…?’

‘I’m not... ‘

‘Okay, than I should better…’

‘I’m not pretending to read the newspaper.’

I felt something. Excitement. Rush. I could get used to this, I thought. I could get used to being high. Literally high. I looked down on everyone. I was his. Completely. I would have done whatever he asked me to. I would have gone to the end of the world for him. If only he had asked me to. Why hadn’t he?

‘I love you, J.’

‘I know.’

‘Do you love me?’

‘More than anything.’

‘What if you’re lying?’

‘I’m not.’

‘How do I know that?’

‘You don’t.’

That was true, I didn’t know. I still don’t know. I don’t know if I loved him or not and I don’t know if he loved me. But what if I knew that he really loved me? It’s not like I could do anything about it. I couldn’t stop loving him. Or I couldn’t make myself believe that I don’t love him.

What is love anyway?

Why did we meet? What were the chances that we will meet in a country we both didn’t live in? Would he die if we didn’t meet?

I don’t know.

It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t.

‘Where are you?’

‘…’

‘Why don’t you answer?’

‘…’

‘Come on, J. I’m worried.’

‘…’

‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?!’

‘…’

‘Fine.’

Yes, he definitely turned my boring world upside down. I can’t say that it was fun wondering about what have happened with us, but it surely wasn’t boring. Sometimes I still ask myself what could have happened if I hadn’t told him I hated him. Or if I had let him explain it to me.

I don’t know.

I thought I hated him. I can’t change that.

 ‘I hate you.’

‘No! No you don’t. Just let me… let me explain it to you! I… I just wanted to…’

'Stop it.'

'But, D!'

'I said stop.'

'D, please listen to me: I…'

'… You what? WHAT, J, what?!  You have no rights to do this.’

'But I…'

'You have NO rights, J! Shut up.  Just shut up! I was waiting for so many years for you to call me…  It never happened, right?!’

‘…’

RIGHT?!’

‘Right…’

‘…’

‘I love you. I love you D. I do.’

‘M-hm.’

‘I know it will be hard for you to believe me…’

‘Hard to believe?! J you told me so many things, you promised way too much. And guess what?! You lied. You’re a liar. No, no… You’re not a liar. You’re just one of those who change their minds often.’

‘I know… I mean I don’t…. I do know, but I…’

‘Look, it’s fine. I’m fine… I know how to live my life. I know how to be happy.’

‘You…’

‘I’m happy! Yeah… I’m happy.’

‘You don’t want me anymore?’

‘Go away.’

I can’t…’

‘Go.’

‘…’

‘I have someone, J. Go home. Live your life. I’m sure you’re gonna find someone who will…’

‘NO!’

‘What the…?’

‘I won’t go away!’

‘What the hell are you doing J?!’

‘D… I can’t… I tried… so hard…’

‘Come on, put that down J!’

‘I LOVE YOU D!’

‘J!!’

‘I LOVE YOU!!!’

‘I KNOW!’

‘… What…’

‘I know you love me. I love you too. Drop that J… Please… Drop it! I love you…’

‘No! You’re lying!! You are lying D!’

‘NO, I LOVE YOU! PLEASE DON’T DO THAT!’

‘I never lied…’

‘I LOVE YOU!’

‘I never lied, D. You were everything I ever wanted. But now…’

‘… I love you…’

‘… I don’t like you anymore. You’re a liar…’

‘NO!’

‘Goodbye D. ‘

I got myself what I wished for – life to be more interesting.

Suddenly, everything was changed. I thought I felt everything a person doesn’t want to feel. It was so disturbing. As years were passing, my feelings were fading.  Finally, I came to the point where all I could feel was guilt.

‘I have never  loved him.’

‘I know.’

‘I called him a liar…’

‘He was a liar.’

‘Yeah he was.’

‘…’

‘But so was I.’

‘It wasn’t your fault, Daria.’

‘I have never hated him.’

‘What would’ve happened if once he got mad at his dog and killed himself? It wasn’t your fault.’

‘I only wanted to do what’s right… I wish I have never met him. ’

‘But you have. That’s what life is about…’

‘What’s it about?’

‘Accidently meeting people and getting into situations you don’t want to.’

‘There is no life for me anymore.’

‘Stop being so childish! It wasn’t your fault.’

‘Living is unfair. He can’t live.’

‘That’s his fault. He was stupid. You are not.’

‘You don’t understand.’

‘You’re right. I don’t. But I won’t let you be stupid like he was. I don’t hang out with stupid people.’

I was not that stupid, after all. My friend didn't change me. He did. And somehow, I'm still the person I was before I met him. I was never normal and I never wished to be. I am not aware of anything in this world right now: I don’t know where is he, what will happen tomorrow nor if I’m going to ever see him again. What I do know is that I have this moment to do what’s right. To make it worth living.

‘Everything’s so meaningless, Kate. Don’t you get it? What’s the use of everything? I mean, okay - I’ll smile, I’ll laugh. Than I’ll get hurt and waste my time crying… And then I’ll die. What’s the use of living? That’s stupid, Kate.’

‘It’s not.’

‘Then tell me why it isn’t? Give me one good reason.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘See?’

‘That’s the reason – not knowing. What if you’re wrong, Daria? You don’t know what could happen tomorrow. What if you die and go to some other planet where it is better… or worse. I mean, this is the only chance for you to live in ‘the now’. Right now, right  here – in this crappy room of yours. What if this moment could be the meaning of your existence and you’re wasting it on blaming yourself instead of making the best out of it?’

‘There is no Heaven, Kate. Nor Hell.’

‘How do you know?’

‘I don’t.’