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Alistaria: Part 1

by NoirLumiere


Remember this whilst your reading. This story contains very descriptive violence and death. Readers discretion is advised.

Introduction

Alistaria. It was the perfect place to live, work, and play. There were mountains, forests, deserts, beaches, and other astounding sites. Therefore, you would think that it would be the perfect place to live. You would be incredibly wrong. The place I just described, unfortunately, does not exist. Not anymore, anyway. It once existed during the Times Before. But, that's all just a vague memory now. It is my job to document these tales, even if I do not wish it. In this story, you will find death, monsters, and if you stop reading now, sanity.

Magenta 1

Queen Magenta sighed. She was sick and tired of these moron servants. As she sat in her throne in the red and black throne room, she began to get annoyed. She thought about leaving, but realized she had nothing better to do.

"Majesty!! Our army has just taken down a rebel base! You will have new servants within the week!!" said the servant on duty. He was shaking, hoping she would be pleased.

"Very well. Get me some wine, now," she ordered him.

He scrambled to get the wine, but knocked one of the vases of its pedestal. He froze with fear.

"You IDIOT!!! Do you have any idea how valuable that vase was?! Do you realize what I do to servants who are absolute morons?! Well, you're about to find out!!" She screamed, absolutely enraged.

She rose from her throne, and slowly walked over to where the servant was. She gently stroked his face, while her other hand was slithering to the knife she kept under her dress.

"Don't worry. It won't hurt a bit," she said, in a soothing tone that would have made a baby sleep. Unfortunately for the servant, this facade was broken instantly. She thrust the knife into his left palm, causing his blood to start pouring from the wound.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I lied," she hissed, smiling as she felt his blood crawling across the blade. With a slight shrug, she ripped it out of his hand, and immediately rammed it into his right palm. He screamed from the excruciateing pain, which sounded like a perfectly orchstrated melody to her. She was high on this rush. She wanted this to last as long as she could make it.

"Well, I guess I have other matters to attend to, so I guess you have to die now," she said in her soothing voice. She slowly pulled the blade from his hand, his blood flowing like a raging torrent. She gently tasted the metallic liquid on the blade.

"Yummy," she said as she slowly ran the blade across the servant's throat. He screamed until they were cut out. He fell to the ground, his eyes gloosed over in an eternal stare.

"Oh well. I've got to get myself cleaned up. A queen like me should be clean and proper!" she said with a noticeable giddyness in her voice.

She went to the bathroom, and cleaned the blood off of her body. She noticed that some blodd had gotten on her magenta colored hair. She then got dressed, and went to bed.

Cyan 1

Cyan kept running. He couldn't afford to stop. With the amount of sapphires and rubies he had just stolen, he would be put to death on the spot. He kept running, even though his legs were tiring.

"Hey you! Stop right there!!" he heard the guard behind him say. But he knew that stopping would be fatal, so he kept running. Daring a look back, he accidentally ran into a wall. By the amount of mortar still running though it, it was fresh.

"Alright! You got me!!" Cyan said, with a sarcastic tone. "Maybe you should try harder next time. The only thing that caught me was this wall," Cyan said.

"Well guess what. The queen has a new punishment for thieves. I bet she'll be really interested to hear about this," the guard said, obviously mocking him.

"I bet she'll also be really interested in guards who need to be on a diet!" Cyan said, right before the guard knocked him unconscious.

************************************************************************************************************************

When Cyan awoke, he found himself chained to the wall by the ankles. He had a monster headache, and he was dying to eat something. He looked over to his right, and saw a pitcher of water, and some half stale bread. There was also a torch, giving off a warm glow. He wolfed down the bread, swallowed most of the water in one gulp, and looked at the torch.

BOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

The floor shook beneath him, and he saw water leaking from the ceiling. He then looked at the water crawl across the ceiling, and fizzile out the torch.

"NO!! Are you kidding me?!" he screamed at the ceiling. He heard the rattling of keys, and the creaking of the door open.

"The queen has requested your presence, and you will come with me," said the guard on duty.

************************************************************************************************************************

"Well, what do e have here? A thief, or a moron?" the queen asked, glaring at him.

"I am a thief your majesty," Cyan said, not believing how weak he sounded.

"Do you realize what we do to thieves around here?" she said quizzically.

"Yes, I am to be hanged then?" he asked, starting to believe the inevitable.

"Goodness no!! I'm sending you to the Island, a natural torture chamber. If you can survive a month, you will be freed. Now, out of my sight!" said the queen, obviously irritated.

Cyan couldn't believe it. All he had to do was survive this "Island," and he would be free.

Amber 1

Amber woke with a start. She was breathing very heavily, and she was sweating. She tried to remember what terrified her so badly, but she could'nt remember.


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:44 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! Recently you signed up to our Secret Santa event and sadly Santa forgot to visit your house, but never fear! I am your replacement Secret Santa and will be reviewing two of your works :D

Specifics

1.

Alistaria. It was the perfect place to live, work, and play. There were mountains, forests, deserts, beaches, and other astounding sites.
I really like this introduction until that bolded part. Try not to generalise! You've caught our attention with this description and now we expect further details, not an offhand 'and other stuff' comment. Describe these other astounding sites [which should probably be sights if you mean things to see, rather than sites of interest/ building sites].

2.
In this story, you will find death, monsters, and if you stop reading now, sanity.
This sentence is too fragmented. I like what you're trying to do, but you've got a paradox here as you're saying in this story you will find and then it feels like sanity is included in that, even though the opposite was intended. I'd suggest:

In this story, you will find death and monsters and only if you stop reading now will you preserve your sanity.

It doesn't sound as cool and dramatic, but it doesn't pull the reader out of the story either and make them question what they just read. It's very important to avoid that: as soon as your reader is disengaged, they're wondering if they should put your book down.

3.
He scrambled to get the wine, but knocked one of the vases off its pedestal. He froze with fear.


4.
"You IDIOT!!! Do you have any idea how valuable that vase was?! Do you realize what I do to servants who are absolute morons?! Well, you're about to find out!!" She screamed, absolutely enraged.
I don't like this section for several reasons. The first is the use of full caps, but putting that aside, this is both an obvious reaction and a boring one. This is the kind of reaction people have in children's shows. Why not surprise your reader? Why not give us a more interesting character - one who acts like a spoiled child on the inside but then has a frightening outward persona, a queen's persona. It would be far more interesting if she told him it was fine that the vase had broken, but then punished him for not bringing the wine quickly enough - but let him bring it to her first. I want to see a ruler who is crafty and who has been taught to be a queen.

5. You've got more spelling mistakes! Be sure to run this through a spell checker at some point as I'll be here all day if I have to pick them all out ;)

6. I'm finding it difficult to engage with your character - I neither love her or love to hate her. Your readers need to see more of her motives behind this killing for it to feel more real and frightening and they need to be given more of a hook because currently we know nothing of the plot or the other characters so it's all hinging on your queen and to be honest, that's a lot to stake on an unlike-able character.

7. Okay so Cyan is obviously a more likeable character which makes me think you should start with him and then show us the queen and then back to Cyan. I think that would work better.

8. I feel like you're moving too quickly. The torch goes out but we don't get a sense of despair in the face of the darkness before he's taken from the cell again. Most prisoners spend at least a few days in cells to weaken them before interrogation and as the start of their punishment. You need to do a little research and make this realistic.

9. I think the Island needs more introduction. It's a trope which gets used a lot in dystopian fiction and you need to put your own spin on it and make it individual so that your readers will be interested, rather than thinking they've read this plot before. There are no new plots so it's not a bad one, but you need to make it unique. There's a great series called Broken Sky where prisoners get sent to an underground cavern and I'll never forget that world building or how afraid I was of that place and how much I wanted to replicate it in my own novels.

Overall

There's an easy writing style behind this and the character of Cyan intrigues me, but you need to go more slowly and use some scenic description. At the moment, this has no atmosphere and it's very flat. We don't get to feel like it's a story we're immersed in, instead we're standing on the sidelines and wondering if we should step away. You need to give your reader something to engage with, whether that's a sympathy for a likeable character or a fear for their death. Even the mention of The Island is too casual and carries no real danger.

I hope this gives you some ideas!

Just keep writing!

Heather xx




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 3:16 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey.

"In this story, you will find death, monsters, and if you stop reading now, sanity."


Catchy, but I would have gone with 'and if you keep reading, madness.' Makes more sense grammatically.

Unfortunately, this shouldn't actually be as gruesome as you make it out to be. Really. Stabbing someone in the palm will not create raging torrents of blood. There's bone in the hand, so the queen would have an awkward time trying to pierce that, and thus pretty much kill the flow of the whole thing. On the other hand, there would indeed be torrents of blood after Magenta cuts off the servant's head, which you casually avoid mentioning. That's messed up, man.

Now, you could create an even more visceral, gruesome scene by describing the anguish, the taste and smell of blood, the euphoria the queen is experiencing, instead of just telling us these things. Show>Tell. I know it's cliche advice, but as you can see, it's cliche because people don't follow this rule all the time.

Also about the queen, she seems furious at first, then slowly and icily proceeds on a killing. That's a cliche, too, but in your case, it's a cliche which isn't even written well. Try to make the transition smooth, subtler than ALL CAPS to silky quiet venom.

BOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!


That is so amateurish. All caps boom with five exclamation marks? Nobody does that. Try to be less lazy and actually describe this noise, use a simile or a metaphor or whatever. But for the love of whatever you hold holy, avoid all caps and five exclamation marks. Five. My brother, who is ten, doesn't do that.


In short. This needs work, a lot of it. Description, emotion, characterization, all that stuff. As of now it's cliche and not very well written. On the plus side, this has potential. Work with it.

Hope this helped
~Ita




AriaAdams says...


It.. Has four exclamation marks xD
Don't ask why I randomly read you review and comment on it.



LouisCypher says...


Oh four, my bad :P



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Wed Sep 12, 2012 10:17 pm
Craz says...



Why was it cut off there!? I'm already in love with Cyan. That's kinda weird, but he is a good main character. Its good to have one of your main characters with a sense of humor, no matter how twisted it can get. You don't want your readers to get bored because your story is too flat. But so far so good! Though watch out for spelling errors, but I'm assuming that those are just from finger-spasms. That's what I call them. Finger-spasms. Tell me when the next part comes up!! :D




Probie234 says...


I should have the next part within the month.




Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said