Young Writers Society

By the way I suck at reviewing poetry. I'll try my best

He walks through the corridor,
shoulders held high.
He puts on his brave face,
smiling as people pass by.

Haha. Reminds me of me ^^ I like this stanza, reasons still unkown.

He's all confidence,
the good looks and all.
He's big and tough on the outside,
but inside, he's so small.

Well this part I would say quite the opposite if me. I like the way this feels almost perfect together with the first stanza.

We see him so happy,
we know him like this.
His heart's full of sorrow,
as deep as an abyss.

I still wonder a little every time I see this. It changes subject. It shouldn't do that in a stanza. I like the build-up though.

No one see's through him,
he's like a brick wall.
At home he's like nothing,
wondering when they'll call.

Now it starts to get serious. The reader will want to read the rest after this point, though maybe a little late. I don't know.

Dark and damp,
in the basement he sleeps.
No bed, no blanket,
in the corner he weeps.

Here you know he is sad. Good turn, showing it on it's fullest.

Dawn aproaches,
he hears them shout.
Get dressed, get clean,
or prepare for a clout.

He does as they say,
he picks up his bag.
He heads out the door,
hoping the day will drag.

These to stanzas I take together. They fill out each other in a probably too long lasting way. I like the rhymes still. They fill the story.

Another day alive,
is this what he wants?
He rather be dead,
than dread every tomorrow.

Clear signs of depression. We're closing in to the end, and the reader will not stop reading here. I like this stanza because it has more emotion than the earlier ones.

He go's to the store,
on his way back home.
He buy's two meters,
and leaves a message on the phone.

He goes* to the store. Buys* two metres. I think you should change those. Like the stanza. What did he buy? Was it ropes?

I can't do this,
it's killing me inside.
The rest are up there,
waiting for me to arrive.

You're getting the feeling something is going to happen now.

I'm leaving now,
goodbye to you all.
I'm so sorry,
but I need to end this fall.

I didn't feel any emotion at this point, though I would if the poem had been a little shorter. You should have made me like the character in a way, because now I'm just: Oh... Poor dude.

I'll see you soon,
up at those gates.
I'm on my way, to be free,
as free as i can be

The one last part. I loved this. The way it ends all with a bang.

The whole poem. I liked it, but it was too long to get the emotional feelings. I thing you should work on that. I hope I helped, even though I suck at poems.

Bobby. You so stupid!

Sorry about the delay! Here's your review

Specifics

Stanza One: As far as first lines go, yours is a little dull. First lines are important because sometimes that's all a prospective reader will look at before moving on so you have to set the atmosphere and context of your poem up with the first line. You should aim either to strike a strong tone, produce an interesting image, provoke a question in the reader's mind or all three at once! Also, try to avoid vague colloquialism in poetry such as 'puts on a brave face'. Give us something visual instead. You can get away with it in novels because you have a lot more words to work with and therefore to throw away. But in poetry you've got so few that you need to make every line count.

Stanza Two: Instead of telling us he has good looks, describe them! Not everyone has the same taste in looks so you've got to let the reader decide for themself. Does he have a firm jaw, eyes like the midnight sky? What is it about him that's so impressive? Does he walk like a skyscraper? Give us some details so we can imagine it.

Stanza Three: There's a nice rhythm to this stanza but at the cost of the words. There's no link between the first two lines and the second two and you expect the reader to understand where you're going but it makes for a very difficult transition. If you have to choose between rhythm and content, make sure you pick content every time as that's what the reader is here for. We'd rather see an interesting use of words than hear a solid rhythm.

Stanza Four: Your rhyme is very awkward here! If you're struggling to make it fit then drop the rhyme and have a go working without for a while, then bring it back in when you've got what you want to say down on paper. Also, I don't think 'like a brick wall' is working for you because you don't explain how that simile fits him - why a brick wall and not a closed curtain or a murky pool? You can't see through those either so what makes a brick wall perfect? Think of it as almost a game - you're playing a battle of wits with the reader and trying to convince them that this man is a brick wall and that every part of the comparison fits so perfectly, there's no denying it.

Stanza Five: Not a bad stanza. I'd like stronger imagery though! I want to be able to feel this cold and to connect with these emotions. At the moment I'm an outsider looking in and what you need to do is make us feel as though we can understand this man so much that we might even be him. What does the blanket feel like, look like? What are his other living conditions? Does the basement smell because he only has a bucket to piss in and that's in the other corner of the room?

Stanza Six: Who are they? You haven't set the scene enough for us to understand how old this person is and who is mistreating him in this way. There's some good ideas going on here but you need to concentrate less on the structure and more on telling the story.

Stanza Seven: I like the idea that he actually wants the day to drag, that adds some really good character! Try not to repeat 'he' too much though as it's breaking your flow and getting repetetive.

Stanza Eight: I wasn't feeling this stanza at all. You've shown us a man who's determined, who drags himself up and gets on with it so this doesn't feel believable. I'm not feeling the dread and misery enough to understand that he'd rather be dead. You need to build more emotion. One tool that you should look at it plosives and alliteration. Plosives are words that start with a strong loud, generall b or p, like bomb and pluck. They can really make a poem more energetic and more sensory so try experimenting with them.

Stanza Nine: There's no details here so this is too bland for me. Two metres of what? What does the message say, who does he leave it for?

Stanza Ten: Don't change perspective like this. The rest of the poem has been in third person so stick with that or you'll unsettle your reader. It's too long a poem to have nine stanzas in third person and then suddenly the tenth is first. Maybe if you had two and then one, that might work. But this is too far in and too unbalanced. Also, avoid cliche phrases like 'killing me inside'. They don't give the reader anything. Instead, describe the feeling. What is it like, what is the worst part? The hunger, the repetition, the fakery? Make this character real.

Stanza Eleven: Not one of your best. The rhymes feel too forced and there's nothing visual going on.

Stanza Twelve: Which gates? Obviously I know you mean the gates of heaven but add some description! Use every word you've got and replace 'those' with something that will actually tell us what the gates look like.

Overall

This isn't bad but it could be far better if you chose your words more carefully and concentrated on building emotions and making the reader feel a connection with the persona. As it it, I couldn't feel bad at the end or feel sad for him because I didn't know him enough or understand what he has been through. If you do some work on that, this could be really good. It's a strong theme but you really need to get those emotions down because this is a piece which relies on the reader feeling something for the persona.

I hope that helps and feel free to ask any questions you might have,

Heather xxx

I personally felt like the rhyme was very stilted and awkward - and led to some lines that weren't bad but failed to conjure much emotion. You had too many syllables in places and lost your rhyme scheme in one stanza. I like the topic, especially from the outside-looking-in perspective that the initial stanza takes on, and how it unfolds until it becomes completely blunt - he's committing suicide. In this way, I really like what you've done story-wise; my complaints are solely about technique.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Greetings!

No reviews/comments? No problem! Everyone deserves some good o' feedback. It makes the world continue to spin.

First off, this wasn't anything that I really expected from reading the title, in fact, it was much more pleasant than I thought that it would be. Although it wasn't the typical freedom-themed poem that many people do (like how I was expecting), it does sort of play on the "something lies beneath the smile" sort of ploy. I like it seems almost like a rap rather than a poem around the end, but it does sort of lose its edge around there as well. So.. my points on the poem:

I liked how it first pulled me in a very nice and lovely flow, quite rhythmical. The first and third stanzas' lines rhyme in perfect sync, and were probably my favorite because it is something that a large portion of us can relate to the most. The tenth and eleventh stanzas were really good as well.

I noticed that the beat does sort of change as we go halfway through the second stanza. Whether this was intentional to sort of.. bring a different beat as we begin to see the different, under layered side of our unknown subject or not, I'm not sure as to how to feel about it, truth be told.

I also liked how you included how he decided to, bluntly put, commit suicide from the emotional pressure and struggle in his life. Brings us a story in this poem. The feeling is easy to relate to but sort of comes off as a bit weak. For the last three stanzas, "his message", I think that it would have been better to include " quotation marks " around there to keep in mind that it was his message that he left behind.

Structure and presentation was done beautifully; no complaints there.

You've got only a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, some punctuation may not be needed there but it seems fine to me. Perhaps next time, read it out and see if it works as actual sentences.

Dawn approaches,
he hears them shout.
Get dressed, get clean,
or prepare for a clout.

I'll see you soon,
up at those gates.
I'm on my way, to be free, Might not need that comma.
as free as I can be.

He goes to the store,
on his way back home.
He buys two meters,
and leaves a message on the phone.