Young Writers Society

First of all, I was reading the reviews before me so I wouldn't repeat anything over and I feel like I need to say the following. Write whatever you want to write and don't let anyone discourage you. I know worse and that may be considered a bad thing. Hey, you have something to say and people have a high emotional response, so you are actually doing your job as a writer. I simply don't believe you are 13, because 13 year olds don't have the attention-spand to write this. If so you need to update your profile and you should also add a disclaimer on the top of your writing so that little kids won't mistakenly read it. I do hate disclaimers, but you know its for a good purpose.

Anyways,

I believe that the ending is sudden and it could do with more description and simply more too it. This defiantly needs more details details details, simply because it is so fake and everyone knows it. If you were to picture this you would add imagery and tell about specific things in the room and what they look like. It's impossible to get an idea of where and when and what if you don't tell us. This is your imagination not ours. I will review more thoroughly if you make a scene and rework the imagery and all that into it.

Specifics

1. In your first paragraph, you move from the she to the he too quickly and catch the reader off guard. Describe her more first. How does she lay, what colour is her hair, is she wearing anything? These are the details that will tease your reader and draw them in. Give your reader some intimacy with the dear Snow White before you bring the huntsman in.

2.

Her mouth curves in delight as he swings the heavy weapon in an animalistic yet protective manner.

He stands over her silently, holding the axe tightly in both hands.

“Don’t waste your time on an imitation, my dear Snow White.”

Seeing her eyes flicker in anticipation, he unzips his trousers and whips out his own weapon.

“They are indeed the fairest of them all.”

Hmm, seems to me that your whole profile is a bit of a joke. If it's not I apologise but for some reason i have a hard time believing that a thirteen year old wrote this...

The writing doesn't bother me personally I've read erotic fiction before, this is pretty tame. However I'm not going to review cos like I said, this was probably just a joke, posted for attention. This is a 'young' writers site, and while there are ratings for stories, it's still a little inappropriate to be posting erotica.

yikes. if a like- 20 year old wrote this i wouldnt be quite so disturbed but still disturbed. it is well written but im thirteen and i dont really think i could write this... saying that- i think that it is very well written yet i think if i had the amount of talent with words that you do i wouldnt have written something like this...Just a quick question- what inspired you to write this? actually dont answer that. i dont want to know.

Um...wow...your thirteen? Maybe you should write stuff a little more...well...age appropriate? But since you didn't, your story is pretty well written, with good grammar and enough detail. But its only a scene, a sex scene, so you've really given nothing to review. And considering this is YOUNG writers society maybe there is another site that would take these scenes because I doubt you'll get many reviews from this, but you but the right age on it so it's your choice.

Are you REALLY only 13?! Well... dang. I'm only 15 and I dont think I would be ever able to turn a somewhat inncoent princess into a girl pleading for sex like you've written Snow White. There is excellent detail and grammer. I cant point out anything wrong with the story. But for your sake, maybe write stuff that is more suitable for your age and then in a couple of years come back to stuff like this. It's just a little concerning for a 13 yr old but all in all; I appluad you x

Yo, Dew.

I’ll be honest: smut fic doesn’t often appear on YWS, mostly because of the titular nature of the site: Young Writers Society. But it’s your choice; you’ve rated it appropriately, and you may not get many reviews for this. Despite that, I’ll throw you a bone and give you a quick review.

Let’s dive right into this and see if we can balance out some weird flavors.

The huge, major, game-losing problem with this piece is that there is absolutely no context to build upon for character connections on an emotional, mental, or even physical level. All we have here is a sex scene, and in the literary world, that amounts to smut. But that’s fine if smut is what you were aiming for. You hit the nail on the proverbial head. The issue with that is that author’s intentions do not matter. So you’ve given a sex scene up for review. Now that we’ve established that it is initially flawed to the greater audience, we can improve the actual content.

Your initial introduction of the phallic symbol (the axe) is pretty classic—it serves well to give character to the male persona in that “this weapon compensates for what I lack” way. So bingo: you have some character in the Huntsman. I can’t say the same for Snow White, though, because you’ve used her as another Tool of Pleasure character—something that will get you metaphorically slapped in some circles.

So point of business one: give Snow White some personality. Never rely on the possibility that the reader has read/watched/researched prior installments in the fandom you’re writing fiction for. It’s another reason snapshot scenes like this don’t work.

You have some witty banter scattered here and there; however, they’re pretty sour phrases at the end of the day. If it’s your first time writing this sort of dialogue, then it’s decent, but if you’ve done this before—shape up. Innuendos in a smut piece are redundant dead weight. I did crack a smile at the twist on “fairest of them all” you used, but that’s about all you got out of me.

The ending loses any sense of connectivity to the original characters you may have had, and renders it into something the reader will probably skim over.

Finally, for God’s sake, nix “precious liquids”.

Wow. Just.... Uhm... Wow.
It was well written... but to write about something so personal and vulgar... and in such detail.... It stuns me. Really, it does. I would expect this from... well, not someone who claims to be thirteen. I applaud your well written work, however, I would suggest writing something... A little less grown-up. I'm almost at a loss for words here. Just... wow. Really. I'm not sure if I should even really review this or not.

-Fire