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Young Writers Society



The Roads of Marceris Ch.5 (part 2)

by DudeMcGuy


Warning: This last part is rated 18+ for a brief scene of intense violence. It's quite obvious when it's coming, so skip it if you wish. You have been warned... (I really don't think it's THAT bad though. Just being cautious.)

-----------------------------------

Juliana sat under the tree without saying a word as she tried to empathize with how Lucian must have felt. He was so young, she thought. He almost lost everything. And now Baldren is missing? She thought to herself about Radi and her own family, wondering what she would have done in the same situation.

“I still lived in Gelerad until just last week… I left after Mother died.”

Juliana gasped and covered her mouth. “No, she… I’m so sorry Lucian.”

Lucian stared into the distance in complete stillness and silence.

“What happened to her?”

Lucian said nothing before avoiding the question altogether. “Baldren eventually found a job that paid very well. He only worked late at night and was usually only gone for a few hours. He always came back to our room very tired, even limping some nights; but sometimes he came home without any money at all. He would just smile at me and say work was no good tonight, but he never told me what he actually did. I…I was so stupid.

“Don’t say that Lucian,” she said.

Lucian looked down and shook his head as he let out a deep sigh. “Kelles started charging us more and more when business slowed in the winter. We were barely able to pay him, and we often only ate one meal a day. Baldren came back from work without anything for two weeks straight, and Mother became very ill. My brother and I swore that we would never sell Father’s spear, no matter how hungry we were.” Lucian turned his back to Juliana and clenched his fists. “It was hard, but we were able save some money every few weeks. Until everything changed…”

Juliana sensed him returning to his emotional state as his voice trailed off. She moved closer to him and placed her hand on his back. “I’m so sorry about your mother Lucian. You can stay with us in Melliark.”

But Lucian continued as if he didn’t hear her: “Baldren came home very late one night with blood and bruises all over his face. Mother sent me out of the room and began to scold him, but they began yelling at each other. Baldren accused her of stealing from us and buying drinks, but she denied it and left the room. Baldren refused to tell me what happened, and the next morning… he was gone.”

“That’s when he ran away?”

Lucian turned back to her and frowned. “I was so angry; I didn’t know what to do anymore. My brother lied to me. He promised he would never leave again, but he abandoned us and took the spear with him. I was so angry I…” He paused and took several deep breaths through his mouth. “For six years I spent each day training to get stronger. All I wanted was to climb Ragamsol, make the pact, find him, and kill him.”

Juliana slid away from him. “You, you don’t mean that Lucian. You can’t.”

Lucian’s expression changed back to normal as he looked at her. “No I… I’m sorry. That’s just how I felt at the time. I don’t want to kill anyone; I just want to be a family again.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“My mother, she… she told me the truth. Before the end…”

------------------------------------------

Lucian sprinted down the stairs and stopped the man as he stepped outside. “Please! Please sir!” he begged. “I can pay by tomorrow! Please don’t leave us!”

“It’s not about the money,” the cleric answered. “I’ve been treating her for three weeks and her condition still hasn’t improved. There’s nothing else I can do for her now.”

“That’s not true! She said she felt better, please stay with her!”

“I’ve only been able to delay the illness Lucian. I’m sorry, but she isn’t going to last through the night.”

“W-What? No…you, you’re lying. That can’t be!”

“I’m sorry.” The cleric left the inn and mounted his horse outside.

Lucian stared at the man as he rode to the end of the street and disappeared into the darkness. He stood alone until he heard Nanami calling his name from their bedroom. He rushed back up the stairs and kneeled beside her. “What is it Mother? I’m here, I’m here for you.” He grasped her hand as she reached out to him.

“I heard him Lucian… there is something I must tell you before I--”

“Not now Mother. Save your strength and tell me in the morning.”

“N-No!” she shouted as she coughed. “I have to say it now! Lucian; your brother he… he didn’t run away.”

“What are you saying? He left us! He abandoned us when we needed him most!”

Nanami trembled as she sat up and looked at him, but her head fell back and came to rest on the pillow once again. “I’m so sorry Lucian, I should have told you years ago. Your brother, I… I sold him.”

“W-What?”

“Please forgive me Lucian.”

Lucian stood and closed his eyes. “Y-You did what? So all this time he was…”

“I’m so sorry Lucian. I was afra--”

“How could you?” he shouted. “He was your son! The only brother I had left! He watched over us! And all these years you just let be believe--”

“I was afraid!” she screamed over him.

Lucian became silent and stared at her.

Nanami coughed and fought for air until she could speak again. “Please sit down Son.”

Lucian sat on the bed beside her and wiped the sweat from her face with a damp cloth. The sight of her anemic body escalated his feelings of helplessness. “Mother, how could you do such a thing? Did you really steal from him?”

“I did, I took from his savings, but it was for our protection.” Tears streamed down her face as she lowered her shaking hands onto his knee.

“I, I don’t understand.”

“Lucian; Baldren he, he could only earn a decent wage by fighting at the edge of town. He risked his life every night, but he didn’t want us to know; he didn’t want us to worry.”

“Did he tell you this?”

“No. I followed him one night and saw it for myself. It was horrible Lucian, they fought without any protection, and Baldren he... he collapsed.” Nanami closed her eyes. “The larger man beat him on the ground without mercy. There was blood everywhere…”

“Y-You should have told me! I would have convinced him to stop!”

“I wanted to, but I was afraid of what Kelles might do.”

“What does Kelles have to do with any of this?”

“K-Kelles is an evil man Lucian. He knows who we are, where we came from, our--” She coughed and struggled to breathe as Lucian squeezed her had.

“Mother! Are you alright?”

Her voice was reduced to a whisper. “Kelles knows our secret Lucian; he has from the very beginning. I’ve been paying him all these years so he wouldn’t turn us over to the military. He said he would have us killed if I told anyone about our arrangement, but then he started gambling on Baldren’s duels.”

Lucian dipped the cloth in the bucket sitting on the floor and ran it across Nanami’s neck and face. He saw the veins in her neck through her pale skin when she inhaled. “So then, you stole from Baldren to pay Kelles… for our protection.”

“Your brother fought even if he was hurt, and he began to lose often because of it. I begged him every night not to go, but he wouldn’t listen to me! Kelles was furious that I was trying to keep Baldren from fighting, and he told me I had to pay him all he had lost that month. But we didn’t have enough.”

“So you sold him… to pay off Kelles and to stop Baldren from fighting.”

“I’m so sorry Lucian. I was afraid! I didn’t know what else to do. Baldren would have died if he went on like that! And I saw Kelles talking to the soldiers downstairs after he made his demands. I thought you were too young, but I should have told you. I’m sorry.”

Lucian looked away from her and said nothing. The truth of the last six years began to set in, and he cursed his helplessness in both the past and present. All these years I’ve hated him… but I didn’t even know. He was risking everything to help us… and I hated him, I cursed him for something that was beyond our control! But why do I still feel this anger, this hatred? Why do I still long for revenge?

Lucian remained by his mother’s side late into the night as she faded away in front of him. She whispered to him one last time, only able to speak as she exhaled.

“Lucian? Lucian?”

He took her hand once again. “I’m here Mother, I haven’t left you.”

She looked at him with teary eyes and a weak smile. “You’re so strong Lucian… you look… just like Arngrim.”

“That’s enough Mother. Please, save your strength.”

She closed her eyes. “Leave me Lucian… Leave this place and forget about me… You deserve… a better life… than the one I gave you.”

“No Mother!” he shouted. “I’ll never leave you! And I’ll never forget you, Father, or anyone else! We’ll leave Gelerad and find Baldren together!”

“Lucian; go to the Capital. If you become a soldier… they will grant you the right…to travel freely across on the continent. Go, find Baldren.”

“We’ll go together when you’re well! I promise we’ll be a family again!”

“Lucian… I love you… please forgive me.”

“Mother?”

“Goodbye… Lu…cian.”

----------------------------------

“The air in the room changed when she passed,” he said. “It was like… I was alone.”

Juliana leaned over Lucian’s back and embraced him from behind. “I’m so sorry Lucian.”

“It’s strange Juliana, I still want to cry, even after telling you all of this. I’ve wept for my mother every night since I lost her, but now… I can’t.”

Juliana stood and kneeled in front of him. “Don’t worry Lucian; I’ll help you find him. You can stay with us in Melliark.” She held his hands and looked into his eyes. “I’ll write my father and tell him what Kelles did to your family. He'll be locked up for the rest of his life.”

“Kelles… is dead.”

“He, he’s dead?”

Lucian pulled himself away from her and stared at his empty, shaking hands. “I, I killed him.”

----------------------------------

The sun rose behind the trees over Nanami’s grave. Lucian emerged from the woods and trudged across the field and back to Gelerad. He entered the inn from the rear entrance just after dawn, crying as he leaned against the kitchen wall.

Kelles entered from the dining room and threw a towel on Lucian’s shoulder. “Get to work kid,” he said. “I’m expecting a big group for lunch today.”

“She’s dead,” Lucian muttered. “My mother is dead.”

“She’s finally gone huh? Well I’m sorry to hear that, but I need y--”

“I know everything Kelles!” Lucian shouted. “I know all about your extortion! Because of you, Baldren was--”

Kelles snickered under his breath and slid the dishes across the counter. “She finally told you I see. Well it’s all true. Your brother was the best fighter I’d seen in years. It was a shame she sold him to those slave traders all those years back. A damn shame. I don’t know what she was thinking. She should have sold you instead.”

Lucian glared at him from across the room and threw his towel on the floor.

“What are you doing? I’ll tell everyone who you are if you don’t work. Don’t force me to call a soldier in here and check behind that headband of yours. Just keep quiet and do what I say.”

Lucian looked down at the floor. “Bring her back Kelles,” he said. “Bring her back.”

Kelles walked over to Lucian and picked up the towel. “I would if I could kid, trust me. That old drunk was the best customer I’ve ever had.”

Lucian could no longer control the rage that festered in his heart. He lunged forward and grabbed Kelles by the throat and threw him against the wall. In his fury he pushed the man down to the stone floor and leapt on top of him.

“S-Stop!” Kelles screamed. “I’ll tell them! I’ll tell everyo--”

Lucian choked Kelles on the ground and shouted at the top of his lungs. “Bring her back you monster! Bring her back!” He shook him against the ground as he wrenched down on Kelles’ neck with all of his strength and pent up anger. “Bring her back!” He repeated the same three words in an enraged trance, staring at Kelles from above with wide eyes.

Kelles was unable to speak or breathe as Lucian squeezed his throat. He frantically reached out for anything he could use to his advantage, but his body was trapped under Lucian’s weight. In sheer desperation he pulled Lucian’s hair and clawed at his eyes, but nothing could weaken the vise of Lucian’s grip. Kelles soon ceased his struggling and lie motionless on the floor.

Reason and logic abandoned Lucian as his chest expanded and contracted with each breath. “Bring her back!” He continued to strangle the old man even though the he was no longer breathing. He gazed at Kelles still open eyes and bashed his head against the stone floor over and over again as he continued to shout at the lifeless body.

Lucian finally stopped when he felt the blood pouring out from the back of Kelles’ head. He stood over his victim and stared in disbelief of what he had done; glancing between the expanding pool of blood under Kelles’ body and his shaking, bloodstained hands. His uncontrollable anger turned to panic, and he fled upstairs to gather his few belongings.

When Lucian returned downstairs he heard two men knocking and shouting at the entrance.

“Hey Kelles! You plan on serving breakfast today?”

“That’s right, open up! I didn’t get up this early to freeze on your damn porch!”

Lucian escaped out the back door and dashed out of town without looking back.

------------------------------------------

Juliana looked at Lucian with apprehension and backed away as he described what he had done.

“I was on the road for six days before Dyne asked me to join you.”

“L-Lucian, you… you probably shouldn’t have told me all of that,” she said.

“I know, but… I had to tell someone. And now you know Juliana, I’m a murderer. I’ve become just like the soldiers who burned my home all those years ago. I’m the same…”

“No Lucian, you’re not the same!” she shouted. “You were confused. You didn’t mean to kill him. It was an accident!”

“Was it? After all he did to me… I’m not sure anymore.”

“Don’t say that! It was a mistake. It had to be!”

“I can’t remember what I was thinking when it happened Juliana, but that doesn’t change what I’ve become. I’m a murderer.”

Juliana wept as she embraced him from his right. She looked at him as he stared off into the distance with no expression. “No, no you’re not. You’re different. Please forgive yourself Lucian. Please… you have to.” She cried under the tree as the sun rose behind them. “I, I won’t tell anyone… I promise.”


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1176 Reviews


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Wed Jul 25, 2012 2:13 pm
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Twit wrote a review...



Hi Dude!

Juliana sat under the tree without saying a word as she tried to empathize with how Lucian must have felt.

This sentence feels a little cluttered, so you could condense it by maybe changing “without saying a word” to “silently”. It makes it less saggy.


Lucian stared into the distance in complete stillness and silence.

This is a little bit overkill. “Complete” makes the two adjectives too much; I’d chop it to just “...stared silently into the distance”.


Lucian said nothing before avoiding the question altogether.

Too tell-y. You could let his dialogue show he’s avoiding the question, or trim this down. Lucian said nothing or Lucian avoided the question.


My brother and I swore that we would never sell Father’s spear, no matter how hungry we were.

Personally I find this too over-dramatic. There’s nothing wrong at all with holding onto the spear, it’s just saying “we swore” that makes it seem OTT.


Juliana sensed him returning to his emotional state as his voice trailed off.

What emotional state? Stating which would be better. Maybe Juliana sensed his anger returning as his voice trailed off or something like that.


“N-No!” she shouted as she coughed.

Would she be shouting, considering she’s dying? It seems a little off.


“I’m so sorry Lucian, I should have told you years ago. Your brother, I… I sold him.”

Jee-crawling-hosaphat! o_O


Lucian stood and closed his eyes.

Why? It’s a bit odd, considering he’s yelling the next second.


“No. I followed him one night and saw it for myself.

How did she leave with Lucian knowing? I thought she stayed in the house all the time.


Juliana leaned over Lucian’s back and embraced him from behind.

This might be true, but it sounds a bit strange. I’d reword to something like Juliana leaned over Lucian’s back and embraced him. Leaning over him shows that she’s behind him, so you don’t need to mention it twice.


Juliana stood and kneeled in front of him. “Don’t worry Lucian; I’ll help you find him.

Stood and kneeled doesn’t make sense cause you can’t do both at once. Also it would be better to say “Baldren” or “your brother” instead of “him” because up until now Lucian’s been talking about his mother, so you need to directly introduce the new subject.


He repeated the same three words in an enraged trance, staring at Kelles from above with wide eyes.

Bolded bit runs choppy. Maybe change to something like He screamed the same words over and over again... “Repeated” is a bit tame, and stating the number of the words is a bit cold when it should be full of emotion.


Kelles soon ceased his struggling and lie motionless on the floor.

Should be “lay”.


Reason and logic abandoned Lucian as his chest expanded and contracted with each breath.

You don’t need to describe the process of his breathing. It’s unnecessary detail.


He gazed at Kelles still open eyes and bashed his head against the stone floor over and over again as he continued to shout at the lifeless body.

Busy sentence. Split it up.


“L-Lucian, you… you probably shouldn’t have told me all of that,” she said.

You need more emotion. “Whispered” would work better.


“No Lucian, you’re not the same!” she shouted. “You were confused. You didn’t mean to kill him. It was an accident!”

“Shouted” sounds too much. Try “cried”; you get emotion without drama.


Juliana wept as she embraced him from his right.

This sounds like the hippy shake. Change or delete. We don’t need to know in which direction she embraced him, just that she’s comforting him.

---
Hi!

Some epic developments happening here—Lucian’s backstory gives a much deeper understanding of his character. Family dying, his mother going wacko, killing Kelles... I can see why he’s so jumpy all the time.

No large-scale issues here, just a few pointers on the narrative. Also I’m with ShadowVyper on Juliana’s reaction to all this. She’s seemed quite cautious, so I’m interested to see how she will react long-term to Lucian’s secret. It’s all very well to be sympathetic in the moment, but how will she be in the morning when she’s slept on it and had time to properly take it all in?

PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit




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Sat Jul 21, 2012 8:29 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Dude!

One review per day...pathetic average, I know...I'm sorry. :/

"She thought to herself about Radi and her own family, wondering what she would have done in the same situation."~ 'to herself' isn't necessary in this sentence. She can't exactly 'think' to anyone else...unless she has a dragon which shares her thoughts, which is a different matter entirely :D

"Juliana sensed him returning to his emotional state..."~ I don't know why, but I don't like 'sensed'... Maybe 'Juliana saw the tears returning to his eyes' or something.

"Your brother, I… I sold him.”"~ WHOA! I did NOT see that coming. O.O

"He shook him against the ground as he wrenched down on Kelles’ neck with all of his strength and pent up anger."~ This is stiff. You could slow this down a bit and add more description (his white knuckles around Kelles' neck, squeezing the life from his old body?)

"Kelles soon ceased his struggling and lie motionless on the floor."~ I'm pretty sure 'lie' should be past tense here.

"...Kelles still open eyes and bashed..."~ I think this should be possessive. "Kelles' still open eyes..."

~~~~~~~~

Okay, so this is another good extension of your story.

I usually figure out the plot of a story before the author reveals it, but your work left me guessing about Baldren, and then made me do a double-take when I found out what had happened to him. Great twist! :D

I also like Lucian killing the man who supressed him all of those years...but I don't understand why Juliana is so trusting of Lucian. Sure they were friends, but had only been so for one day; and now Lucian's admitting to being a murderer? And that doesn't scare Juliana? I wouldn't be comforting a murderer, even if he did express remorse...especially not since he's the strangling type...

Oh well, it's up to you.

Can't wait 'til I can read chapter 6.

~Shadow





Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant