Young Writers Society

Hi,
I love this poem in a weird sort of way. It is beautifully done for the most part and the use of metaphors is brilliant!
The only real thing I should say about this is that maybe the metaphors are overused but maybe they aren't. I know I'm not being very helpful (sorry) but what I'm trying to say is that you have all these amazing metaphors but you seem to cramp them in. This being sad (very badly, I apologize) I do love this poem, smart word play and very left of field.
The flow could be a tiney tiny bit better but overall well done!

Nargles xx

P.S sorry for being short and not very good!

I absolutely loved this! The imagery and personification were very good and helped the poem flow. I'm going to be one of those "Grammar Nazis" and bring up the issue of not capitalizing your "I's" was this intentional?

I really like the way you used a few different aesthetic features in this poem:
"and words become predators" and the term "smoke seizures" I thought these were great and really contributed in bringing the poem to life!

Some parts of the poem I found a little difficult to read - they seemed awkward, it almost seemed like you were trying to put lots of BIG words into one small sentence.

Also, should this poem be in quotation marks (" and ") if it is what was a thought?
- Depending on the way this was intended to be read will ultimately determine this.

I enjoyed this piece of writing and apologize if I am being a grammar snob.
Happy writing!

P.S. I like the quote at the start - it shows you are motivated and passionate (or you can google)

This poem's beautifully written, and I absolutely love the imagery. But I can't say I'm going to be much help in terms of reviewing it, I have no understanding of how to review poetry, sorry .-.

Hey! You said you didn't want a review. Well. I'll do one anyway, cause i really liked it.
First of all, I would like to ask what exactly made you write this. It feels really original, and I've never seen anything quite like it.
The quote in the beginning, I liked too. But the feeling, the passion, and the speed of it. I love it. No typos, no spelling fails and no grammar fails.

9,5/10 Please make more!

Love, Bob Walker!

This is a nice poem, but I feel like there's nothing tying one thing to the next; it needs something to give it cohesiveness. That being said, it's clear that you know how to think out-of-the-box and be creative, which in my opinion is the rarest and most important quality for creating stand-out poetry. Certain words just play off the tongue well, which is great, and in general, this is a really nice piece of poetry.
One more suggestion: Remove the quote. It isn't needed, your words are far more inspiring now that his have been rendered cliche.
Keep Writing,
StoryWeaver

Haaaiiiii!

Specifics

The Quote: I like this. I don't often agree with starting a poem off with a quote but this one is well chosen and works as a kind of key to the poem so I'll let you have that

Stanza One: The third line is a little awkward to read. I think in part because it plays with our perception, but also because it makes a jarring transition into that next line and it takes a moment to realise you're going back to the picklegirls there. It also feels like a word is missing in the fourth line. I'd suggest perhaps switching the boys and girls over and adding an 'in' or something to line four. Like so:

those cumberboys with picklegirls
a-giggle in their pink martini glass

I agree with Bekah that the oh my feels very out of place. Perhaps if you were to start the line with it instead, it would flow a bit more smoothly?

Stanza Two: I love the delayed rhyme with glass and ash. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but for me it really connects the two stanzas together. The first three lines here are great but I wonder if you couldn't break the passive phrasing in the fourth and go for 'of seizing smoke' instead. It would give a lovely pause to the end of that line, an almost seizure if you will.

Stanza Three: I love this phrase 'The Oyster in the Grass'. I don't know if you're playing on Oyster grass and how harsh a habitat the bottom of the ocean is, how many depths there are to search, or on something else, but either way I like it. I also like how you tie in the sailing metaphor with yawls and for me, this is a really strong stanza and you can really feel that exploration of poetry and the difficulties of learning the way. However, I'm not sure about Coyote? I vaguely know the myths and sometimes coyote is the hero, more often a trickster. I'm not sure I understand the choice here as I've never associated him as one who would teach or certainly not one who'd teach correctly?

Stanza Four: I love line two. Line three is very awkward though. I'd suggest removing 'out' and putting something else in there instead so the beat isn't damaged. Maybe:

from your hooked through pincers
from your white hooked pincers

Those are just to show you the possible two places I feel the extra syllable has to fill. It breaks the rhythm to have it anywhere else, but there does need to be one. Just- not out. You use it so well in the second line that any repeat of it can only lessen the impact of one or both.

I'm going to agree with Bekah again and say you really don't want untranslatable in there. It's not subtle enough. We already have worked out what you're doing by now and then it's almost an insult to our intelligence for you to shove the answer in our faces

Stanza Five: I'm not sure about this one? I wonder if you couldn't combine some of it with the previous as that one doesn't end with enough impact for me to say remove this altogether. But this feels a little too much like an epilogue.

I wondder if you couldn't have:

i'm shouting honesty at you
raw and ripped out red
from your hooked mouth pincers—
i'm open for the world
to taste my flesh—
and not looking for approval.

Overall

I like this and I've read a lot of these poems about poetry and some of them I love but after a while it's difficult to love them because every poet attempts one sooner or later and as I said, I've read a lot. I've also written one, though it wasn't anywhere near as fine as this.

So you've done good for me to like this despite all that Great imagery, some fun word play. You can't really ask for more so just work on that flow of yours and tidy it up, then I think you'll be good to go.

Let me know if you've got any questions or there's anything I didn't explain well enough,

Heather xxx

Oh, a Frost quote I like! I tend to not be able to read much of Frost, because he gets on my nerves (like uh, most poets. I'm a total snob, though, so uh, yeah).

I love the last stanza. Something about the punctuation seems off, but I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it.

"cumberboys"? I keep wanting to read "cucumber", since you know. Pickles. The "oh my" in this stanza seems misplaced to me? But I'm not sure I'm reading it correctly.

Second stanza I think you have too much going on metaphor-wise - I would suggest either cutting it down, or beefing it up. I definitely like what you're doing, but you could change "animals" to "prey," and then eliminate two lines, I think. Plus, I just want to get to the last two lines here faster, 'cause I like them.

Third stanza I love the last two lines. I'm not sure I'm getting the connection between them and the rest of the stanza, though. Now, this is likely on me, since I know almost nothing about sea animals or eating sea food or the ocean in general, so if I need to know anything about that at all to connect those dots, I can't ^^ also, should "learn" be "learned/learnt"?

"raw and ripped out red" is just freaking awesome. I don't like "delicate" - I find it to be too in-your-face as an adjective; the same goes for "the untranslatable" - you already lead with the quote, so stating it again in the poem feels like too much.

Have I mentioned I love your last stanza/line?

Wow, your writing is wonderfully done here! I like the way this whole thing fits together and flows. I really can't find anything you could change...I think it is just good how it is.
My overall rating would be * * * * *! Five star job!
I will say that I love how you ended it.
Just boom.
Nicely done, Audy. Nicely done.

~Rainn

p.s. Sorry I don't have anything useful to say... :

This poem used the art of metaphorical message writing very well. Your flow was flawless and your ending was powerful; Like the last strike of a hammer on a nail, driving your message through. It was perfect. I mean, not EXACTLY PERFECT perfect, but really close.
Infact, it was so much so, that I can't find anything bad to say about this poem.
My rating:5*s
My favorite part: the last line (pure defiance!)

Keep writing!

w&w