z

Young Writers Society



Secrets

by Huli


I stood waiting in a wide alley as footsteps approached behind me. A shooting star flashed past the moon, and I smiled, watching the signal die away. I took a step forward, knowing that the hideout of the leader, Jasmine, would soon appear. For once, I had something to be proud of, a simple human working for a creature of great power.

“What are you doing?” a voice suddenly barked. I jerked around to see a man with black, wavy hair. His brown eyes were narrowed and fierce like an animal ready to attack. In his left hand was something that looked like a grey flashlight glowing with a faint purple light.

“You’re not supposed to be in these alleys,” he snarled, taking a step forward.

I was about to opened my mouth to speak when a light shot from the tube. It zoomed past my ear, and I turned around to watch it hit a large oak tree. My eyes widened as the light danced across the tree trunk, sparks flaring, as the light stretched. Dust rose from the tree and clouded the air, blocking everything in sight. A hand gripped my shoulder and a soft buzzing sounded in my ear. “What is this?” I whispered, as I became dizzy.

Suddenly a loud howling pieced the air. The hand loosened, and I heard multiple footsteps race off as the dust faded. I stood up, my legs wobbly, and glanced around at the shadow- covered walls. Not a soul was in sight, so I raced off. When I saw a large crack in the wall at the end of the alley, I slid in, ignoring how it scraped my arms. Beyond the crack was a small room with small stage lights at the top corners. Tables were pushed against the walls, and an old, beautifully carved rocking chair sat in the very middle.

“Sorry I’m late, Jasmine,” I called, walking towards the rocking chair.

A black cat with gleaming green eyes jumped onto the chair. “It’s fine,” Jasmine meowed, “The enemy came sooner than I thought.” Out of shadows crawled furry animals of many shapes and sizes. I noticed a few that had been in the group before, but there were many that were new.

“The enemy has come!” Jasmine called to all the animals, and seemed to forget that I was there. “They have come to take the power that is rightfully ours! We must fight, and protect all who fight beside us, from the smallest mouse to the largest wolf!” Jasmine’s voice rang across the room. All the animals' stares were intensely on her, and none moved as she spoke.

Mice watched from the table, and a mockingbird with red crosses on her wings sat on one of the lights. All had a look of awe in their eyes, and the world seemed to fade away with the sound of Jasmine’s voice.

A mighty whine filled the room, all eyes turned to see an injured gray wolf limp into the room. “I tried,” he whimpered, “But they had too many weapons.” The wolf let out a howl of anguish before falling to the floor.

The mockingbird flew over to the wolf’s side. She placed her head next to his chest. “He’s still breathing,” she chirped. A group of red foxes hurried to the scene and dragged the wolf away.

The animals watched the wolf, worry shining in their eyes. A hole opened in the wall, and vanished, as the wolf and foxes went through.

Quickly, the walls began to shake, and shrieks filled room. Animals raced off into the shadows, vanishing as quickly as they had appeared. I began to move, but a rabbit hit my foot, causing me to fall into the chair. The lights flashed off, and everything was still. My head spun as I pulled splinters out of my fingers.

A figure entered the hole. It looked around as the lights flashed back on. I froze. It was the man I had seen earlier. He suddenly noticed me, and his eyes widened. “Jasmine,” he whispered, his voice sounding sore.

“I’m so sorry,” he cried, falling to the ground before transforming into a small black fox. I blinked at the tiny creature. Was it even possible for a human to turn that small? He slowly walked towards the chair. “I had no idea you had another form. Please do not punish me.” The sounds of his screeches began to bounce off the walls

"Stop,” I yelled. He looked up, fear shining in his eyes. “I’m not Jasmine,” I said looking at my hands.

His eyes narrowed, as long, glossy claw shot from his paws. A low growl rumbled from the back of his throat as he stared at me. “How dare you,” he cried. Quickly he leapt, but before he could touch me, a flash of black pushed him aside.

Jasmine held the thrashing fox down. “Calm down, Tanto, I’m back. Nothing will make me leave for good,” she whispered as if comforting a child.

Tanto lay still before turning to look into Jasmine’s eyes. “I though she had overruled you,” he whimpered.

“It’s fine. You have proved your loyalty,” she whispered. She turned toward me, her eyes gleaming with nervousness. “It will be best if you left, Cassidy." I stood up, and nodded. A spark of annoyance filled me. How was I suppose to just leave, when I seen such an amazing thing?

The world shook, when I tried to walk forward. A black shadow flew into the room, and landed before the chair. It shimmered before turning into a small winged dragon. Jasmine hissed, releasing Tanto as she leaped towards the form. “How dare you take the scared animal’s form, “she spat, her fur standing on edge.

The dragon laughed, “I see you haven’t changed since the last time we met. And if you must know, this is the new form for the strong, not like that pathetic fuzzy form that can’t even hold a pencil.”

Jasmine's eyes narrowed, and she leapt forward, her claws extended. Suddenly Tanto jumped in front of her, pushing her back. He landed, and turned. That was when I noticed it. His eyes were shining purple. His fur shortened, and the spider web pattern began to show on his skin. In a flash of flames, Tanto's form changed to a small black dragon. Grey smoke spouted from his nostrils, and a faint smile showed on his lips.

The other dragon’s eyes widened, and his wings withered away. He turned, but not before I saw a look of triumph in his eyes. I tried to grab him, but he clawed my wrist, forcing me to let go. Everything went fuzzy. Animal faces flew through my vision before blackness. A small light broke through the darkness, as my head ached.

“It’s all my fault.” Jasmine’s voice echoed. “Me and my cursed soul,” she gasped for breath and continued, “I am long dead. I created the enemy and Tanto.” She let out a sudden agonizing wail. “Now it is too late to right my wrong. The enemy had seen his other half...”

I watched as the light spread, and with a single blinding blink, everything vanished. Once again, I was in a wide alley, but this time, a small black kitten with dark brown eyes sat in front of me. It looked up at me, and with a pitiful meow, I could have sworn it winked at me.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:10 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Haiiiii :D

Specifics

1.

In his left hand was something that looked like a grey flashlight glowing with a faint purple light.
I've picked this out as an example of where you could make your sentences a little less passive and a bit more active. Instead of describing just what's there, describe it in a way that we know this is unusual for their world or that the person is surprised by it. The narrator clearly doesn't know what the object is or they'd know the name, so something like:

In his left hand was something that looked like a grey flashlight, but the light coming out was purple and strange. <<< Then you could describe how it's faint or maybe it looks like there are particles dancing in it. This is the first sign that this novel's not ordinary and you want to make that interesting for the reader.

2.
“You’re not supposed to be in these alleys,” he snarled, taking a step forward.


3.
I noticed a few that had been in the group before, but there were many that were new.


4.
All the animal’s stares were intensely on her, and none moved as she spoke.
The apostrophe's in the wrong place. It needs to be after the s because there are multiple animals.

5. What is this obsession with mockingbirds lately? It's really starting to get old. I know it's taken from the hunger games but it was such a rarely used bird before that so now anyone using it strikes me as copying, even though I'm sure that wasn't the intention.

6.
All of sudden, a mighty whine filled the room, all eyes turned to see an injured gray wolf limp into the room.
Try not to repeat 'the room' in the first sentence as it makes your writing sound awkward. Try, 'All of a sudden, a mighty whine filled the room and all eyes turned to see a gray wolf limp through the opening.'

7. You use suddenly or all of a sudden too often and it actually works as an anti suspense. When you want to make the action fast paced, use short, snappy sentences that grab your readers attention and build the speed. Intersperse them with a few long, descriptive ones to increase the impact. Don't use extra words like 'suddenly'. Here, I'll try to give an example:

There was a lot of talking and nobody could agree with each other. The badger seemed to think it was a good idea to go West but the fox favoured East. Then all of a sudden there were men with sharp swords who entered the room and attacked everyone. (This is how you're writing, not much variance in sentence lengths and surplus words)

Nobody could agree; the badger thought they'd find gold in the West but the foxes asked, what need had they for gold? The East had safety. There would be lush valleys covered in swaying eaves of life-giving corn, prey to hunt in the woods, large lakes of water to drink from. There would be life.

It seemed the discussions might continue late into the night and some of the animals were starting to lose their focus. The clash of steel. The ring of footsteps on the stone - who goes there? Men. Men with swords and men with appetites for meat. (And so on. It's just a quick example but here the sentence lengths change frequently but when there's action ahead, they become shorter. Even the descriptions are short and to the point. Once the fight is under-way, there would be longer ones again, but you'd make them rhythmic to mimic that clash of swords.

8. What animal is the main character or are they human? By now we should know something of them as it's difficult to connect with a faceless, nameless main character. You don't need to give us everything of course but a few basics would be nice. Describe him or her picking something up with their hands or paws, then at least we'll have an idea of where we stand. <<< Oh never mind, you get around to that in a moment. Okay, human then :) Maybe a few clues a little earlier would be nice though.

9.
Jasmine's eyes narrowed, and she leapt forward, her claws extended.

In a flash of flames, Tanto's form changed to a small black dragon.

Grey smoke spouted from his nostrils, and a faint smile showed on his lips.
You were using gray earlier. Are you English or American? Best decide which soon ;)

Alright so this is just all the typos or errors in one paragraph. I've picked some others out earlier but I'm not here to fix your grammar so I haven't really been paying that much attention - there's probably plenty more I've missed. You need to proof read this.

Plot

Alright so there's too much action going on for a first chapter. Either you need to start with a brief burst and then cool off and let us get to know the character. Or you need to start with it all being calm and let us get to know the character, then have a burst of action at the end. You can't have a first chapter that's all action, it goes against every rule of novels. Your reader needs a chance to connect with the main character or they will get bored and go away.

Characterisation

That leads me here. You end the first chapter without giving us much of the main character at all. We know she's female and a human and must be reasonably brave but nothing else. We have no feel for her and it's impossible to care for a character that you don't know or connect with. Who is she? How has she become part of this world? But more importantly, what are her motives, her alliances. Is she caring, is she fierce? Is she unpredictable? We need to know what defines her.

Overall

This was alright but it was missing a few key elements so I couldn't find myself very drawn in. I think you could have described a little more and just slowed everything down that little bit. Take some action scenes out and give us a chance to learn this world and these characters before you have any of this happen. For one, we've met your villain in the first chapter. That's very rare! Half the fun and tension of a novel is anticipating that villain and who they might be, building up a picture in your head so that you're then surprised or terrified when you come face to face. Some of the best novels leave it right up until the last couple of chapters before you meet the villain and there are only hints or half sightings before then.

I'm not saying you have to do that but honestly, the first chapter is too soon to have the bad guy already in the picture quite so forcefully. He should start out as a shadow and then gain more definition as the good guys come to know him.

Well hopefully that gives you a few ideas and feel free to respond with questions!

Heather xxx




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 3465
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sat Jul 14, 2012 2:56 pm
prolixity wrote a review...



This was really good!

Nitpicks

watching the signal die away

That seems like a strange way to describe a shooting star.
knowing that the hideout of the leader, Jasmine, would soon appear

The hideout would appear, or Jasmine would appear?
the wolf away.
The animals watched the wolf

You missed a line break.
splinters out of my fingers.
A figure entered the hole.

Another line break. Also, what hole? The whole the wolf and foxes went through that disappeared or the crack where Cassidy came in? Or a different hole?

Stop,” I yelled.

That quotation mark, haha. :)
looking at my hands.
His eyes narrowed,

Another line break here, I think?
as long, glossy claws shot from his paws

small black dragon. Grey smoke

I don’t think we need to know the color of the smoke, but I would like to know the color of the other dragon.
a small black kitten with dark brown eyes

I don’t know if it’s possible for a black cat to have brown eyes, but I see what you did there. ;)

General
I thought this was well-written. It read smoothly, caught my interest, and had good description. I really don't have a lot of criticism, except that it doesn't really seem to work as a short story. You must be planning to turn it into a novel, right? As it is, we don't know what's going on at all.

Another thing is I wish Cassidy has some more characterization. She just stands around the whole story with all the lights flashing and animals fighting around her. It would be great if she had more of a personality. First person narration is a great opportunity to really develop the voice of your protagonist.

Overall, great job! Keep writing!
Prolix





As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda