Haiiiii
Specifics
1.
I've picked this out as an example of where you could make your sentences a little less passive and a bit more active. Instead of describing just what's there, describe it in a way that we know this is unusual for their world or that the person is surprised by it. The narrator clearly doesn't know what the object is or they'd know the name, so something like:In his left hand was something that looked like a grey flashlight glowing with a faint purple light.
In his left hand was something that looked like a grey flashlight, but the light coming out was purple and strange. <<< Then you could describe how it's faint or maybe it looks like there are particles dancing in it. This is the first sign that this novel's not ordinary and you want to make that interesting for the reader.
2.
“You’re not supposed to be in these alleys,” he snarled, taking a step forward.
3.
I noticed a few that had been in the group before, but there were many that were new.
4.
The apostrophe's in the wrong place. It needs to be after the s because there are multiple animals.All the animal’s stares were intensely on her, and none moved as she spoke.
5. What is this obsession with mockingbirds lately? It's really starting to get old. I know it's taken from the hunger games but it was such a rarely used bird before that so now anyone using it strikes me as copying, even though I'm sure that wasn't the intention.
6.
Try not to repeat 'the room' in the first sentence as it makes your writing sound awkward. Try, 'All of a sudden, a mighty whine filled the room and all eyes turned to see a gray wolf limp through the opening.'All of sudden, a mighty whine filled the room, all eyes turned to see an injured gray wolf limp into the room.
7. You use suddenly or all of a sudden too often and it actually works as an anti suspense. When you want to make the action fast paced, use short, snappy sentences that grab your readers attention and build the speed. Intersperse them with a few long, descriptive ones to increase the impact. Don't use extra words like 'suddenly'. Here, I'll try to give an example:
There was a lot of talking and nobody could agree with each other. The badger seemed to think it was a good idea to go West but the fox favoured East. Then all of a sudden there were men with sharp swords who entered the room and attacked everyone. (This is how you're writing, not much variance in sentence lengths and surplus words)
Nobody could agree; the badger thought they'd find gold in the West but the foxes asked, what need had they for gold? The East had safety. There would be lush valleys covered in swaying eaves of life-giving corn, prey to hunt in the woods, large lakes of water to drink from. There would be life.
It seemed the discussions might continue late into the night and some of the animals were starting to lose their focus. The clash of steel. The ring of footsteps on the stone - who goes there? Men. Men with swords and men with appetites for meat. (And so on. It's just a quick example but here the sentence lengths change frequently but when there's action ahead, they become shorter. Even the descriptions are short and to the point. Once the fight is under-way, there would be longer ones again, but you'd make them rhythmic to mimic that clash of swords.
8. What animal is the main character or are they human? By now we should know something of them as it's difficult to connect with a faceless, nameless main character. You don't need to give us everything of course but a few basics would be nice. Describe him or her picking something up with their hands or paws, then at least we'll have an idea of where we stand. <<< Oh never mind, you get around to that in a moment. Okay, human then Maybe a few clues a little earlier would be nice though.
9.
Jasmine's eyes narrowed, and she leapt forward, her claws extended.
In a flash of flames, Tanto's form changed to a small black dragon.
You were using gray earlier. Are you English or American? Best decide which soonGrey smoke spouted from his nostrils, and a faint smile showed on his lips.
Alright so this is just all the typos or errors in one paragraph. I've picked some others out earlier but I'm not here to fix your grammar so I haven't really been paying that much attention - there's probably plenty more I've missed. You need to proof read this.
Plot
Alright so there's too much action going on for a first chapter. Either you need to start with a brief burst and then cool off and let us get to know the character. Or you need to start with it all being calm and let us get to know the character, then have a burst of action at the end. You can't have a first chapter that's all action, it goes against every rule of novels. Your reader needs a chance to connect with the main character or they will get bored and go away.
Characterisation
That leads me here. You end the first chapter without giving us much of the main character at all. We know she's female and a human and must be reasonably brave but nothing else. We have no feel for her and it's impossible to care for a character that you don't know or connect with. Who is she? How has she become part of this world? But more importantly, what are her motives, her alliances. Is she caring, is she fierce? Is she unpredictable? We need to know what defines her.
Overall
This was alright but it was missing a few key elements so I couldn't find myself very drawn in. I think you could have described a little more and just slowed everything down that little bit. Take some action scenes out and give us a chance to learn this world and these characters before you have any of this happen. For one, we've met your villain in the first chapter. That's very rare! Half the fun and tension of a novel is anticipating that villain and who they might be, building up a picture in your head so that you're then surprised or terrified when you come face to face. Some of the best novels leave it right up until the last couple of chapters before you meet the villain and there are only hints or half sightings before then.
I'm not saying you have to do that but honestly, the first chapter is too soon to have the bad guy already in the picture quite so forcefully. He should start out as a shadow and then gain more definition as the good guys come to know him.
Well hopefully that gives you a few ideas and feel free to respond with questions!
Heather xxx
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