Chapter 1
The Cell
My name is Derrick Anderson Bloodman, I use Anderson as my last name though. I am a student at Oregon State University studying Art of all kinds. I study painting, sculpting, drawing, paper mache, graphic arts, graffiti, you name it, I’m studying it along with my required classes like science, language arts, math and the rest of that crap. I have been a student here for two years and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I never have, all I know is that I don’t want to be anything like my, or have anything to do with them. Art has always been a focus of mine since I can lose myself in it and pour all my emotion into it. If it weren’t for art my rap sheet would probably be four times as long as it is, and it’s already pretty long. Thanks to my screwed up family I learned not to take anything from anyone, to always strike first, to make sure the other person is not gonna get back up anytime soon, and to do whatever is necessary to survive. Growing up those lessons served me well. They were the only reason I actually lived to grow up and go on to college and get away from my old life. I was in a new world now, and I was a new person, but some things never change.
In this new world all those lessons have done is get me into trouble in one way or another. I got picked up a couple days ago because some coke addict was trying to steal my cash to buy drugs. He had me at gun point, so I knocked him down, broke his arm, and cracked some ribs. He had a nice pistol, and I had lost mine a while back so I took it and went through his pockets. He had a couple of coupons and maybe five bucks so I took them because the way I see it he put the gun to my head so it serves him right. The next day I got the cops knocking at the door telling me he’s pressing assault charges, couldn’t get anything to stick though.
Word to the wise, don’t mess with me, I have anger issues and don’t take kindly to people threatening me or my friends. Well, my two friends. I have a few people that call me friend, Brad does, so do Catherine and Fergus, but the only two I call friend are Allison and Jerome. Thanks to my family and the upbringing they provided me with it takes a lot for me to call someone friend and Alison and Jerome are the only two people that have proved themselves to me. Jerome is my go to guy if I need help with school or I just need to blow off some steam. He’s one of the smartest guys I know and definitely the most fun to be around. Alison is my compass. I met her when some ass was giving me crap about being a rabid gorilla that needs to be put down. That ass hole is lucky she doesn’t know what fear is or I would have rung his bell for him. But she stood between us and called me out on my anger and got me to back off. I hated her for three months after for getting in my way but she kept me on track and when I had nowhere to go and I bumped in to her she was there for me. Everything was about to change, and these two would see me trough it unlike anyone else who called me friend.
That day I woke up in a jail cell. Me and Jerome had a bit much last night and got kind of rowdy. I rolled over to see a very familiar face behind the desk just outside the cell. I loved this guy! Well, I loved messing with him
I decided to start off by striking an old familiar nerve “Hey Jim, how’s It going? Long time No see. I see you’re still stuck behind that desk. Fail your field exam again?”
I couldn’t help but laugh when his eyes narrowed.
“At least I got an honest job” He replied smugly as he opened up a box of crispy cream donuts.
“I don’t think eating donuts counts as a job. Jack does eating donuts count as a job?”
Jack was another familiar face of the force. He gave up on me a long time ago and decided it’s better to get along then to bicker and argue. I always like getting pulled in by him because he does his job well and he does it without making me feel like scum.
“Don’t think so, why? Is Jim trying to be a professional pig or something?”
Needles to say I like this guy. Out of everyone on the force he’s probably the only one who I would go save if he got caught down the wrong alley. Nobody really liked Jim, and seriously what’s to like? He is a fat kiss ass who fails at being a kiss ass, he worse than me. He didn’t really appreciate Jacks comment either.
“Well, it’s better then fraternizing with criminals. As for you Anderson, say what you want about my dietary habits but at least I can sleep at night knowing I have a family that cares about me.”
He shouldn’t have said that.
You don’t mention my family.
Ever.
One solid hit and the door came free. I just stood there trying not to go crack his head open. As much as I wanted to make him regret that comment, attacking an officer in the middle of the police station is not gonna do me any good. I had to settle with simply saying to his empty chair
“You want to say that again!?”
I had a few guns pointed at me, Jack was standing in front of me trying to calm me down, and Jerome had finally woke up. He was a heavy sleeper on an average day but with a hangover only a gunshot or the smell of a fresh cup of Columbian coffee could get him up.
Jack wasn’t doing too well calming me down. I don’t think his being white as a ghost and his sweating like a pig was helping. Thankfully Alison walked in the door a second later and just gave me that look that only she could give that she only ever gave me and Jerome. That was our look, and when we were not on the receiving end of it we were damn proud of it.
“He was giving me shit about my family.”
And then she gave me that other look. The one that she only ever gives me. They both said clearly and I quote “Are. You. Fucking. Serious?”
“What’s going on?” Jerome was always kind of oblivious after he just woke up so as always she gave him our look. He noticed the door was open, and the dent, and finally the guns pointed at me.
“Oh.” He said. “Was Jim running his mouth again?”
“Yeah” I said
“He start it?”
“No”
Smiling Jerome began his usual lecture. “You gotta stop starting this crap dude. If he starts getting on your case go head and give him hell, but otherwise you should just keep your trap shut. I mean, I hate that guy as much as anyone but he’s too happy to push your buttons"
“Yeah I know I know.” I said waving him off.
“How highs the bail now?” Alison asked
“Well” Jack said as the color started returning to his face “That depends. Anyone know how much this is going to cost to fix?”
End of chapter
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,585 Reviews
Hi, I'm sorry I couldn't review sooner but my computer got a virus and then I got grounded ; it was a hole big mess. Anyway, I'm here now and ready to give your review
small stuff
I am a student at Oregon State University studying Art of all kinds.
Art doesn't need to be capitalized I think
I study painting, sculpting, drawing, paper mache, graphic arts, graffiti, you name it, I’m studying it along with my required classes like science, language arts, math and the rest of that crap.
Some rewording in this sentence would do it wonders
I never have, all I know is that I don’t want to be anything like my, or have anything to do with them.
After "have" maybe a ; would improve the flow. And also, in this sentence I assume you are referring to the characters parents but that wasn't specified so that dose need to be fixed.
If it weren’t for art my rap sheet would probably be four times as long as it is, and it’s already pretty long.
Once again, this sentence is a little confusing so rewording would help get your point across.
They were the only reason I actually lived to grow up and go on to college and get away from my old life.
You used "and" a lot in this sentence so maybe adding commas instead would help.
He had a couple of coupons and maybe five bucks so I took them because the way I see it he put the gun to my head so it serves him right.
Little rewording would help this.
I got the cops knocking at the door telling me he’s pressing assault charges, couldn’t get anything to stick though.
reword the end part.
I have a few people that call me friend, Brad does, so do Catherine and Fergus, but the only two I call friend are Allison and Jerome. Thanks to my family and the upbringing they provided me with it takes a lot for me to call someone friend and Alison and Jerome are the only two people that have proved themselves to me.
Rewording this part would help.
I met her when some ass was giving me crap about being a rabid gorilla that needs to be put down. That ass hole is lucky she doesn’t know what fear is or I would have rung his bell for him
this is a little confusing.
Long time No see
the "No" shouldn't be capitalized.
There was a hole bunch more cases.
BIG STUFF
Okay, first off you need to do some revisions on this piece and that would rocket the quality of this piece. Your character needs some work too. He is just too angry and seems to complain a lot about his family. I know what you are trying to make him seem like but he is not coming off like that at all. I make the same mistake with my main character. She kinda is the girl version of your main character. I wanted her to come off as an angry and powerful with family problems but she came off as a bitch. But after all the reviews I got I did some rewriting and really improved the work. I would love a review and maybe you can get a few ideas too.
work.php?id=96135
My piece called Welcome to Orba Nova
Hey, Pixie here to review as requested!
This peice was...unique, if you know what I mean. I think I'll start off with the things I liked...etc,etc.
Things You're good at and/or I liked:
- You are very good at description. Most people are't. Or most of the people at my school. Anyways, I think you did a really good with this and maybe adding a smidge more would be great! It would add evern MORE life to the chapter.
- The story! This is a very good plot, etc. Just thought I'd let you know.
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Side note: I think you can do better, to be honest. Keep the next part in you're head for future reference.
Things you can do better:
- The way you're paragraphs are formatted. I think this is a little confusing for the reader. For example, maybe try something like this?
Try seperating it a little.
-The language. A little LESS swearing would've made the plot ALOT better. It kind of threw me off, you know what I mean?
Other then this, It was very good and I look foward to reading more of you're works!
~ PixieStix
Hi, thought I'd drop by and review this
Like my what? Remember to proof readSpecifics
1. If he uses Anderson as his name, then have him tell us he's Anderson. You can give his full name later or explain when it's more appropriate, but a character who says he calls himself Anderson should do so. I have a friend who goes by 'Bob' and it was weeks before any of us knew that his actual name was Philip Robert Braesby McKenzie the fourth. But he hated it so he always introduces himself as Bob.
2.
3. Alright so this is all a little too much telling and that makes it dull. I don't want to open a book and be given the character's life story. I want you to show me who they are through the way they act, how they talk. I want to be introduced to their world and the characters who are going to matter. I don't want to listen to someone ramble about their interests and awful family.
4. Alright so I like the other two characters, or rather what you've told us of them, but this isn't the way I want to meet them. I want to be able to decide for myself what role they play in his life and it's far too alltrusive for him to say 'she's my compass' as that's not something people can pin down easily. That can take a person years to realise, if ever. Especially a person with anger issues. That's my other problem, you tell us he has anger issues but his tone doesn't suggest that. The voice you've given him doesn't match the character you're trying to introduce. Try reading some voice fiction, like 'Money' by Martin Amis. It's an excellent piece of fiction and all driven by a very angry, very pathetic character who you find yourself loving anyway.
5. What is this look? You ought to describe it if it's going to be such a big deal, otherwise it starts to come off as a little too comic. And the reader doesn't know how to picture the scene. It could be a sexy look or a dark, unforgiving look. It could be a blank look. Really it could be anything and after a while the phrase, 'that look' becomes over used. Try to think of other ways to describe it.
Overall
I didn't really like this, sorry. I found the dialogue to be a little stiff and the action unrealistic. I think you've made your main character too over-powered and you've given him flaws - anger, temper - but then turned them into strengths. He needs some genuine weaknesses if we're going to like him or feel any sort of connection with him.
You could also use a little more description. Think of the five senses when you're writing as those should help you out. Think of what can be seen, small details like a patch of mould on the ceiling or a dent in one of the bars where someone's tried to file it down. Then think of what you hear. The sound of the coffee machine or other people in the cell next door snoring, yelling. Maybe the ring of a telephone. Third, what can you smell? You mentioned coffee but what else? Soiled clothing, fresh paint. Maybe Alison's perfume as she comes through the door? Fourth is feel. Are the cell bars cold when he grips them, is there cool air coming in through a vent? Are his clothes scratchy and rough against his skin? Last is taste which isn't used as often as the others but keep it in mind for scenes where there's drink or food.
You don't need all of those all at once or you'll never get to any action, but you should ask yourself about them for each scene and then choose which to include and where. Those are what build your atmosphere and there should be at least three in every scene or your story will feel two dimensional.
Well hopefully that's given you a few things to think about for now and if you've got any questions, feel free to ask!
Heather xxx
OK so there are a few things I spotted that might need correcting. The first thing I noticed is the following: "I never have, all I know is that I don’t want to be anything like my, or have anything to do with them." Who? I have know idea who Derrick is talking about here. Maybe you could clarify?
What's a rap sheet? Just curious.
"I was in a new world now, and I was a new person, but some things never change." You started the story in present tense so you should continue telling the story in present tense. It is alright to switch to past tense for the memories but here since the memory is over you should switch back to present tense.
"In this new world all those lessons have done is get me into trouble in one way or another." ok here I think it would make more sense to say "all those lessons do is get me in trouble." Instead of have done.
" Couldn't get anything to stick though" ok so this does not make sense to me and you need a period at the end.
Ok so the list could go on and on but I think I will stop for now.
One more thing: Enjoy what you write because if you write something and hate it then most likely readers will not like it. However if you enjoy what you are writing then your readers will most likely like it too. Good Luck and Keep Writing.
Thank you so much for those edits! I completely missed them. Some of the methods of speech though were intentional for the sake of character since it is Derrick telling the story.
fair enough. It is your work you do what you like with it. I understand now that that is your characters personality. Also, if you do not mind I also would like to request that you review a story I am writing it is called Highborn Journey. I will send you the link in a pm.
Will do. Always happy to review.
Hey ZaBod, Day here to review, finally!
I will be honest here. My first impression of this chapter wasn't that great. The paragraphs kinda bunched up, but that happens on YWS. You might want to reformat and leave a line between paragraphs. But that's not your fault.
Also, you sort of overloaded us with details in the first paragraph. That's never a good idea. You need a smooth beginning, and add in details about the character as you go along. It makes the story much smoother and doesn't overload the reader with details just a few pages into the book.
I like that your characters aren't perfect or Mary-Sues. A lot of authors make their characters ideal and typical with no subtle nuances and quirks, and it annoys me no end. I like how your characters are believable and actually flawed, with inside stories and kinks that make them unique, just like real people. That's a really good point in this so far. Your character development is wonderful, keep it up!
There wasn't much of a plot in this chapter, but as it is only the first chapter, I will read on and see what the rest are like. You certainly have a lot of potential for a plot here, it promises to be interesting. Keep in mind what I've said about too much detail. I tend to do that and it just destroys the story.
Well, I hope this review was helpful. Keep up the good work!
-TheDayBeforeTomorrow
Part of the reason for the mass of detail and lack of plot in this first chapter is because it always bugs me when people write stories about bad things happening to people who we know nothing about, and I start to wonder why I even care. Of course that is a biased statement since my characters are my first and foremost focus, so I did go a bit overboard. Thanks a ton for the review!
I want to say, first and foremost, how much I adore the realism in this piece. Derrick, Jerome, and Alison are wonderfully written, and I'm sure you'll reveal more about their personalities later in the story.
I was facepalming as well as applauding when Derrick loses his temper and breaks down the jail door. Facepalming because, well, not exactly the first thing I'd do in a situation like that, but applauding because the temper you gave him, the flaw you wrote onto him, looks well on him. He wears it well, even if it doesn't serve him well. That's a key to writing a story well, is to make your characters wear their personalities with pride, and show it without being too pushy or fake, which you accomplished with Derrik's.
I'm actually more interested in learning about Alison. You made it pretty clear that she's basically like a human compass, but I'm still curious about her. As for Jerome, I already love him. Enough said. On to chapter 2!
Keep up the great work!
believe me in the next couple of chapters you will learn why Derrik is so touchy about his family, also a large part of why his anger issues are as bad as they are