Young Writers Society

Hello Mirror. Jordin here to write a review for thine entertainment, I hope it is of some use to you in your writing.

Well... first thing first I would turn most of those periods into comas.

I must admit your riming needs a little bit of patch work.

This did not quite make sense some of it did but the majority was none senseical. I would read through it pin point the probs and fix 'm.

In other words I thought it was well written.

Keep writing and good luck.

Until later good bye.

~Jon~

I can’t hear music.
The lyrics become skewed.
Then they’re about you.
 
I can’t read.
The plots are ours.
And they’re yours.
 
I can’t daydream.
My mind is too weak.
It wanders back to you and me.
 
I can’t rhyme.
I can barely come close
Because you and me aren’t us.
 
I’m not me.

Hi,
I really enjoyed this poem as it speaks of a lot of feeling and character that I really liked,
I myself am not a great poem writer, but as I can definitely connect with those feelings, as I expect many others will, I really enjoyed it.

I think at the end you really moved into a flow creating a moving stanza that kept me reading.

There are a few things I would like to pick up on, though,

With the first verse, you said this,

I can't hear music. - I thought for that instead of a full stop you could use a comma.

I noticed with all your verses that the first line has a full stop there? Maybe you should use a comma.

One other nitpick is that the second verse in the third line;

And they're yours.

Well, for that I don't really have any suggestions as I do not really understand it.

Thank you for posting, I thought you did a BRILLIANT job and keep writing!