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Young Writers Society



The War of Night and Day 1-3

by stevie415017


The Past

Long ago in a land of mystery and magic, there existed two kingdoms. Each empire prospered and flourished as there opposite became enraged with jealousy at the thought of another being better than the other. Villages against villages, cities against cities, Empire against empire, each kingdom began searching for power sources and objects of magic that would make their empire superior to their enemy. One day a mad king ordered his armies to search for the most powerful creature in all known creation, the dragon of the sun. Many years of searching and brutal war brought much grief on the kingdom. Many of the loyal men and woman of the kingdom had fled or had been killed in the fighting while the remainder questioned the king’s sanity. Some even went so far as to plan a death on the king’s head, but failed. The searchers had tried for many years to find the mystical dragon of the sun. They had tried just about everything they could think of. They tried witches and wizards, spells and maps, everything they could think of.

One day the men and woman of the searchers came upon an old woman and her shop. The old woman said she knew where the dragon of the sun subsisted. The men and woman of the searchers begged the old woman to tell of where the dragon’s nest was. The woman gazed into the eyes of one man and said with a voice as cold as ice “Bring the one with hair as dark as the night sky, for only then will the dragon of sun arise. Bring the one with hair as pure as snow, and the dragon of moon follow. But be warned, for only the truest of heart and the truest of blood can discover the dragons.” After the men acquired the woman’s advice they began to march back to their kingdom.

All but one of the Blood Elves followed the command of their captain. The last man grasped hurriedly into his sack to revealing a small golden hand mirror. The man murmured a spell and the mirror began to spin and twirl. The reflection turned black and suddenly to reveal a face of a dark elf. “Sire, I have found the key to capture the dragon of the moon.” The man explained everything that the searchers had heard and how to find the dragon of the moon. When the man’s job was done he ended the reflection spell and sprinted to catch the blood searchers.

When the king’s army returned they discovered that in their absence the queen had given birth to a young girl, with hair as black as the night sky. The men and woman of the searchers told the king what they had discovered and that his only daughter may be the one the old witch spoke of. The king decided to attempt to discover the dragon of sun, with his only daughter as bait.

The searchers wanted to show the king to the old woman who had given them there answer. But when they arrived the woman and her shop were gone. The ground started to shake and the trees began to sway from left to right. From under the cliff’s peak raised a large golden dragon that roared with great anger and fire. The men ran for shelter though many were burned in the flames. The king then laid his newly born daughter to the ground and ran with the other men for shelter. The dragon’s mighty roar stopped. The great dragon then looked at the child with curiosity. The beast was now fully on the cliff’s edge. The great beast then breathed a great breath in and blew flames of red, gold, blue, purple, green, and just about every color you could image on to the newly born child. The king ran to his first born “Noooooo,” he shouted. The king realized what a fool he had been to use his only daughter as bait. When the dragon stopped its magnificent rain of fire the king rushed to his daughter’s side to see she was not hurt at all. The child lay in the ash that was once grass, free from harm, with not even a single mark. Her night sky black hair was no longer black but a golden shine. Her hair looked as if it was kissed by the sun itself. The king then looked at the golden dragon that stood before him and as he did the dragon bowed its mighty head to the young girl. The men and woman who had followed the king came out of their hiding places, and like the dragon bowed before the princess. The girl opened her eyes to reveal that her eyes were no longer a navy blue but a soft violet instead. The King and his followers were astonished at the change. They could not believe their eyes. The King and his followers Road back to their kingdom flags waved high, for they were now known as the kingdom of the sun. They knew they could now beat the dark elf empire. All they needed was bravery and lov…

“Mother that’s silly,” said a young girl.

“Ay, but even the most ridiculous of stories have a place in this world,” said the older woman.

The two women were in a small rounded room. The older woman, about her young twenties garbed in a fine silk dress of red and brown, laced with pure gold sat in a wooden rocking chair placed next to a small bed. The child was wearing a brown night gown and was tucked under the blankets with only her arms and head piercing out. The older woman was pale with long black hair and blue eyes and the child age about six had long sun kissed blond hair and soft violet eyes.

A man dressed in armor of gold and red walks into the child’s bed room. “Lady Rosalyn, I have a message from the battle front.”

“Thank you Sir Silverbow. Wait just a moment I’ll be out soon.”

“As you wish my lady,” the man said as he exited.

“I’m sorry Tigera; I believe I must end our story time for tonight. I hope you will understand.”

“I do mother, good night,” said Tigera

“Good night my sunshine,” said the mother looking into her daughter’s sleepy purple eyes before blowing out the candle’s light.

Tigera heard whispers outside her doorway. The young girl quickly but silently removed her covers and sneaked across the room to the crack in her door. Tigera had perfected the art of sneaking around the house so she could easily scare the guards of the home. Tigera put her eye up against the open crack of the door to the hallway. The quiet whispering had become a loud shouting. Tigera saw the guard who had come in before shouting at her mother.

“My lady, the dark elves have found the dragon of the moon,” whispered the older guard Silverbow.

“How can this be? The old woman who gave the prophecy has been gone for many a year,” Lady Rosalyn angrily shouted.

“That day of the prophecy there was a spy among us my lady.”

“This could be the end for us,” said Lady Rosalyn with tears in her eyes. “Go, go and tell my husband of what has happened, alert every Guard of what had happed.”

“As you wish my Lady,” The man said as he ran to alert the kingdom.

Tigera felt a slight tickle in her nose. No not now she thought. A loud sneeze came from the crack in the door. Lady Rosalyn turned to see her daughter peeking out of the door. Her expression went from worried to caring.

“Tigera, everything is going to be all right,” Lady Rosalyn said as she walked towards her daughter. Tigera gently opened the wooden door all the way now and hugs her mother. “Everything is going to be ok, we’ll be alright.”

But everything was not alright….

The Awakening

Silence, the deadliest of sounds. The silence of death, the silence of those lost, the silence of an arrow, the silence of a clean kill, Silence. The rustle of leaves when silence is broken. A young doe, alone in the no longer silent forest, she grazes alone with no one to protect her and no one to watch her. The hunter who had been waiting for many hours, spots the prey. Silently, the hunter pulls back the bow’s string, aims, and makes the perfect kill. The leaves crackle beneath the corpse of the young doe. The doe will never grow, never have fawns of her own, but her body will feed those who need it in order to survive.

The hunter comes to take her prize. The young woman is dressed in a two piece war dress. She wears a green battle skirt and a matching green top. Her boots were worn and brown as the forest floor. Her gloves, like her shirt and skirt, were green as the tree leavefs. Her outfit and the trim of her skirt were stitched with fine silver thread. She wore a dark brown cap to pull her attire together. In her left hand, she carried a large handmade bow. The hunter had long sun-kissed hair and soft violet eyes. It was the blood elf princess Tigera. All though, out here in the forest, she was no princess. Out here she did not have to be watched around the clock. She did not have to be proper and posed. No, out here she was no princess-only Tigera.

Tigera walked over to her newly slain kill. Her expression was cold as ice. At first, killing animals had disgusted her, but ever since her mother passed away, killing was nothing. She realized that in order to survive, she must kill. Although she did not mind killing animals any more, she did not marvel at it. She still did not enjoy killing them; she simply recognized that it had to be done. Tigera knelt before the dead deer and pulled out the arrow from its neck.

“No use it leaving it here,” Tigera said to herself.

Tigera stepped away from the corps and began muttering to herself. When she was sure she got the spell right she pointed out her hand to the deer and shouted “liphta” the corps rose off the ground and began coming towards Tigera. As Tigera began walking towards the village the corps followed floating in the air.

Approaching the city Tigera ended the spell and pulled her hood out of her bag and put it on to hide her face and her golden sun kissed hair. Tigera then took her newly killed deer and dragged it into town. As Tigera walked closer and closer to the village more and more people began to emerge from their homes. When Tigera reached the center of the dirt town she dropped the deer in front of a man, who had seemed to be waiting for her. The man like the rest of the villagers was in worn clothing and covered in dirt. This man had a short white or white flecked with traces of brown beard and a scare over his left eye that had left him slightly blind.

The man came up to Tigera with a mighty big grin on his face. “Masked Huntress we are forever in your debt. For every day you bring us food for no charge at all. Without your generosity many of us would not survive the year. For you we offer the only thanks we can give and that is a place to rest and protection if ever needed,” said the old man. “Our Hunters and trappers cannot find any food since the dark elves have taken our forest and trade posts. This deer is not enough to feed everyone but it will still keep us alive. You are our hero masked huntress” the old man said with a grim smile. Tigera bowed as was accustomed to when leaving a conversation, and turned to leave. The masked huntress ran back into the woods from once she came. When the young girl was out of the view from the village she removed her hood.

“I didn’t know they needed me that much,” Tigera said under her breath. “I’ve been gone too long I must get back.” Tigera ran to the edge of the hidden forest up to the castle walls. “Oplda,” Tigera whispered to reveal a hidden gate that she then silently ran into the great stone wall’s opening.

“Tigera! What are you doing?” Tigera turned afraid that a guard had seen her. Tigera is after all a princess and the only daughter of the king and was never to be out of the site of the guards and certainly never in the hidden woods. Tigera turn bracing herself for the worst, as she turn she saw a familiar face, it was her best friend Kaylynn. Relief hit Tigera like a ray of sun as a grin fell upon her face. Kaylynn was a young girl, about sixteen years of age around the same age as Tigera. Like Tigera she was a Blood elf. She wore a red velvet dress with golden trim. Her hair was long, curly, and a bright orange color as was common in the sun kingdom. Her eyes were brown and her lips as pink as a rose. Kaylynn stared at Tigera with a great deal of disappointment and a sour expression upon her face.

“Again Tigera?” asked Kaylynn. “This is the last time I cover for you. Eventually you will get caught, and I won’t be able to bail you out, What if you were hurt then what would I do?” A look of gilt appeared on Tigera’s face.

“I know Kaylynn I should ask so much of you,” said Tigera with an even remorseful look in her eyes.

“Oh, how can I resist that face. You know I kind of enjoy making up new excuses every day. It’s like a hobby,” said Kaylynn with a giggle in her voice. “Come on now Tigera, put on your robes and get out of that huntsmen outfit.”

“Nah, I think I’ll just tell my father I’ve been sneaking around, behind his back hunting for the peasants,” said Tigera with a sarcastic tone. The two girls both started to laugh loudly and hard. “Tigera! I forgot, your father is looking for you,” said Kaylynn in panic.

“You couldn’t have said that first?” questioned Tigera.

Tigera quickly discarded her hunting clothes and quickly grabbed her dress that was hidden in a crack of the castle wall. Her dress was much like Kaylynn’s but was golden with a red trim. Tigera then grabbed her crown from the same crack and slipped it easily on her forehead. She then took her green gown and placed it in the same hidden opening and ran off. Kaylynn and Tigera ran up three flights of stairs before reaching the surface. When the girls arrived at the ground layer of the castle’s ground Tigera murmured “Oplda” a second time to reveal a door way that lead to the court yard. Tigera quickly ran inside to meet her father.

“Father?” said Tigera “I heard that you wanted to speak with me.” The room was cold. Tigera was rarely allowed in her father’s study, for even a king must have his privacy.

“My dear daughter Tigera, many years have gone by since your mother’s passing. She put her heart and soul into this kingdom. But, when she passed” the king wiped a tear from his eye “nothing was the same. I’ve tried to be the leader she was, but with little successes. Threw out the years this kingdom, this war has taken the very life from me, drained and gutted me like a fish,” the king paused for a moment and look down at his hands as he twiddled his thumbs. “Tigera I’m not going to live forever you know. You’ve come to age and I plan to leave you as my successor.”

Tigera’s face turned stone white as she heard what her father had said. “Surly there are others more able than me! Why not Arron? He is more affiliated with this war.”

“It is your birth right! You are first born first to successes the thrown!” yelled the King. “Arron is your younger brother,”

“Only by one year father,” shouted Tigera.

King Morkan replied “How dare you interrupt me, I am your father and you will do as I say.”

“But father!” Tigera was getting agitated, “I don’t want to rule, and I hate war!”

Tigera knew she made a mistake by raising her voice and challenging her father. She now stood frozen not knowing what her father was going to next. The next thing she knew she was on the ground holding her left cheek, for her father had back handed her. He now gazed upon her with such a cold fury. Suddenly, an over whelming sensation of pain and fear fell over Tigera. She would never forget how her father looked at her. King Morkan then turned around and said flatly, “You are dismissed.”

You are dismissed

Tigera now on the ground stricken with fear slowly stood. Her father had never hit her before, although Tigera had seen her father strike his maids but never his own daughter. Still confused and in shock Tigera ran from her father’s study.

Down the hallway she came before, down the spiral stairs and out to the court yard to her secret room she now called her sanctuary, her safe place. She had first come here with her mother when Tigera was young. Her mother told her whenever you don’t feel safe or if ever there was an attack upon the castle and couldn’t find her mother or her father to come here and hide.

***

After the death of Tigera’s mother she would come here. One day Tigera’s magic teacher Sir Lineback taught her how to enchant any door to open to the word “Opela”. Sir Lineback advised Tigera to cast the enchantment upon the door for magic was not a very common skill and this made Tigera’s safe room even more protected. Although young Tigera was quite skilled in the art of magic, Tigera once heard her magic master speaking with her mother that her powers come from the sun. One day Tigera discovered that the door enchantment spell could be used to create doors in walls. It was the first time Tigera was ever out of the castle walls. The forest fascinated her. The trees and the animals, everything was beautiful. Tigera walked around the forest for hours. She found herself at a small lake and sat for the time being. She watched butterflies and the ants that crawled across the ground until Tigera looked from the ground to see a man in the distance, standing watching her. The man who wore all black drew a bow from his back and pulled back. Tigera screamed in horror. The huntsmen fired his bow when suddenly Tigera herd “Flazma” as a ball of fire hit the man. Tigera crossed her arms in front of her and screamed as the arrow still shooting towered her. When an orb of yellow shot out from Tigera’s hands turning the arrow into ash. Tigera opened her eyes to see Sir Lineback standing before Tigera.

“Tigera are you ok? Tigera? Answer me,” yelled Lineback.

“I..I’m ok,” Tigera still confused of what had happened.

“Tigera you can never leave the castle walls! What were you thinking? That dark elf could have killed you! Where were your guards? Tigera answer me” Said Lineback with terror in his eyes.

“I….I didn’t know. I just wanted to see what was on the other side of these walls” said Tigera with tears coming down her face.

“Tigera,” said Lineback with sincerity in his voice. “You cannot be out here alone. The Dark elves are getting closer to finding the castle. This forest cannot hide us forever. Tigera your our only h...,” Lineback sighed “ Tigera you cannot come out here again ok?”

“Ok Master Lineback” said Tigera.

“Let get back to the castle now,” said Lineback

“Thank you for blocking that arrow,” said Tigera with a smile.

“I did not protect you from any arrow, I didn’t know he fired one,” said Lineback with shock.

The two did not speak of this instance ever again; for Tigera did not want to tell her father and if the king knew that his only daughter could have been killed by an arrow in which Sir Lineback couldn’t protect her from the king would have his head.

Tigera never returned to the forest for many years. Until one day when in the kings court Tigera listen to the plead of a ragged group of peasants for the need of food and how the Dark elves had taken all the game from there hunting grounds. When the presents had finished their pled the king said that there was not enough food for anyone and that they were to remain in their hunting grounds and to hope for the best. Later that night at the royal family feast Tigera asked her father where there feast had come from. Tigera’s father replayed that all the royal food is hunted in the hidden forest that hide the castle walls.

Tigera asked “why then did you tell those poor people that no one had any food?”

“Daughter we are not just anyone. We are royal, we are better” replayed King Ryan.

“We are all people and we all deserve the same amount of food,” yelled Tigera.

“I will not hear this in my own home, leave at once Tigera,” Yelled the King.

Tigera left the dining hall and headed for her room. Tigera’s room was above the room her mother called the safe hall. Tigera sat on her bed and thought.*what can I do? I can’t even leave these walls.* Tigera’s eyes lit up and she said to herself “Or maybe I can.” Tigera went to her closet and grabbed her least favorite dress. It was a green dress with long puffy sleeves and silver trim. Green was a very uncommon color to wear in the Sun Kingdom so Tigera didn’t care for it. Tigera grabbed her dagger from a wrap on her leg she was told to keep on her at all time in case of an attack. She laid the dress upon the ground and began to cut the fabric. *First thing to go are these puffy sleeves,* Tigera thought to herself. Tigera shorted the dress to where she would be able to run and removed the under lace to make the dress more movable. Tigera began to hand sew the ends of the dresses to make the dress cleaner, smother, and to make sure it would hold together.

Tigera looked in her closet to find a trace of magic. All magic had a certain feel. Unless you were trying to hide magic it was pretty easy to find. Tigera sat back and stared at her closet floor. “Opela,” whispered Tigera. The floor began to glow and when the light disappeared there was a trap door. Tigera reached over and opened the newly discovered door to reveal a large box, with a note atop it. Tigera picked up the large box and laid it on her bed. Tigera looked at the dusty worn box with curiosity. The note atop the box was covered with dirt and dust. Tigera looked at the note with the only legible letter being T. Tigera brushed the dust off the rest of the note which now read Tigera. Tigera picked up the note and flipped it over to read, “My dearest daughter, Tigera. I know you have been given a unfair life, to never be able to run outside, or to leave these walls, but I know that these walls will not hold you forever, and if you could find this note then you can find a way out. You are destined for greatness. People will try to hurt you and will do anything they can to kill you. You are the last hope to save this kingdom, so you must be careful. You are good, Tigera, and you will only do good. When you leave these walls, hide your hair from the world until the time is right to reveal it but only when the sun and the moon meet together. I love you, Tigera, forever. Love, Mother.”

A tear fell from Tigera’s eye. She looked into the box her mother had given her. Inside was a dark brown hooded cape, brown boots, and a large handmade wooden bow.

***

Trying not to cry, Tigera ran through the court-yard. As she passed the people, she saw Kaylynn, who began running after her. Once the two girls were in the hidden room, Tigera sat on the ground and began to cry into her sleeves.

“Tigera, what happened? What’s going on,” asked Kaylynn.

“It’s nothing, Kaylynn. I just want to be alone,” said Tigera through sobs.

“Tigera, I know you. This isn’t nothing,’ said Kaylynn.

Tigera told Kaylynn everything the king had told her. After a while, both girls sat upon the ground. Tigera had stopped crying and was puffy eyed.

“So what are you going to do now?” asked Kaylynn.

“Nothing. What can I do?” asked Tigera.

A knocking came from the door.

“Lady Tigera, your father requires your presence at once.”

Tigera stood and walked out the door with Kaylynn and headed to her father’s study once again.

The Dreams

Tigera walked slowly into her father’s study. The air was still, Tigera never noticed how dull her father’s study was. The only objects in the wooden room were a desk, a chair and a large window that looked over the court yard. The large man stood staring out his window.

“Father,” Tigera said with a whimper to her voice.

“Tigera, you did it,” exclaimed her father.

“What are you talking about father,” asked Tigera.

“Tigera you have won this war for us,” said the king. “All you have to do is marry Prince Arthas from the night elves. Together we will defeat those a cursed Dark scum, Togethe..”

“But father, who is this man I don’t even know him,” said Tigera.

The king raised his hand, Tigera flinched, and he lowered his hand.

“You are dismissed,” said the king is a cold tone.

Tigera began to leave her father’s study when the king raised his hand; Tigera stopped and looked at her father.

“You have three days to learn to hold your thong for Prince Arthas,” said the king.

Tigera left her father’s room and walked to the court yard and up to her room.

The kingdom was clothed in darkness. The great sun had set and the moon had risen. Tigera stared at the stars above, a single tear dropped from her chin. A soft wind came in from the east, Tigera turned to see the tree tops of fall; Colors of red, yellow, and orange, the colors of the Kingdom of sun.

“How can dark and light come together so perfectly? How can they look so peaceful?” Tigera whispered to herself.

A sigh was released from Tigera’s mouth. Tigera left her window and went to lie down for the night. She soon fell deep into slumber.

***

Darkness covered the land. Tigera was in her mother’s wedding gown will an assembly of 7 red roses in her hand. Prince Arthas of the Night elves by her side. Tigera looked around the kingdom, there was not a soul in site.

She turned to face Arthas and tried to speak, nothing came out. Tigera screamed but not a sound escaped her lips. Tigera ran to her balcony and look across the land, death engulfed the once beautiful forest, bodies of those fallen scattered across the lands. Over the horizon Tigera spotted a large black creature lying motionless across the hill top, it was the dragon of the moon. Again Tigera tried to scream but again nothing.

Prince Arthas now stood beside Tigera; he put his hand upon her shoulder and pointer into the court yard. Tears filled Tigera’s eyes as she saw her father lying dead in the mud. Tigera turned to face Prince Arthas who smiled at the site of death, Arthas took a dagger he had hidden in his sleeve and he stabbed Tigera strait threw the heart. She fell down to the earth below. The sky began to turn, the earth roared with pain and began to fall apart, time itself ripped apart at the very seams.

***

“Ahh,” Tigera screamed as she woke from a cold sweat.

Tigera has had these dreams before. They first started after the death of her mother. The night before her mother died Tigera dreamed of a kingdom engulfed in darkness and sadness. The birds no longer would sing, the sun no longer shined, there was nothing but sadness. Tigera awoke from the night to check on her mother however it was too late, by the time Tigera reached her mother’s chamber her mother had already passed. Ever since that day Tigera had dream of evil and what was to become.

The royal doctors attempted to explain what was happening but had failed. Science, medicine and even magic did not explain it. The king decided it that there was no sense in trying to figure out a small child’s imagination and ignored the problem.

Tigera knew that what she had seen was of what to come and shuttered at the idea. *This cannot occur, no matter what. I have to get out of here,* thought Tigera.


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125 Reviews


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Tue Jul 31, 2012 7:36 pm
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PixieStix wrote a review...



Hey, Pix here to review~! Sorry it's late! I'm going to do each chapter in a seperate post. S'easier.

Alright. Let us start with- The Past

This is a very good chapter. I enjoyed reading it, and I love how you kept the flow going. You wrote this very detailed, and I love to see that in a young writer.

To be honest, at first, I thought this was going to be hard to review do to the structure; but it was amazing once I pictured the plot in my head. So, assume the young girl's name is Tigera, am I correct? You never really explained that was her name...

But I like how you kept the girl's name a mystery for the reader to find out; it was a good thinking strategy that I always use when I'm either writing poems, or my novels. Hopefully you will add some more characters into this novel, I see lots of potential. Don't blow on this either. Keep writing!

What I think you can do better, is maybe explain how the dragon came to be? I was a little confused on how the dragon was born. Though, I understand it's fantasy, but maybe you can add a little more background in the story? That would really help me picture it, you know?

Also, The Dark Elves really caught my attention. But here's some questions you have to ask yourself while writing~

- How did The Dark Elves actually become dark?
- Are they every-day elves in fairytales? Or are they some kind of darker version that are evil?
- Do they want to take over kingdoms?
- Do The Dark Elves have some kind of plan? Do they maybe want Tigera?

These will really help the reader imagine what'd happened.

Another thing I can find helpfull, is to not post all the chapters in one post. This'll not overwhelm the readers brain - it did mine a little - and maybe post them seperate? You won't lose them. Also, would you mind seperating paragraphs? That's easier to read.

That's all for the first chapter. The second will be up soon! ~ PixieStix




stevie415017 says...


thank you for the reply. The website will ot let me indet the first chapter i don't know why but it will not. The dragons are kind of there since time began no one really knows how. Dark elves are just a typt of elf im a nerdy girl so i know all the diffrent typt so i get why you don't get it but it's not that important thought the story.



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Mon Jul 23, 2012 6:59 pm
TheAceofAll wrote a review...



Hi, I'm sorry I couldn't review sooner but my computer got a virus and then I got grounded ; it was a hole big mess. Anyway, I'm here now and ready to give your review :)

First and foremost, maybe get rid of the space in the beginning. I imagine that happened when you copied and pasted so no biggie but fixing it would just make the piece look a little cleaner but like I said, no big deal.

small stuff
As each empire prospered and flourished as there opposite became enraged with jealousy at the thought of another being better than the other.
Clear up this sentence to improve the flow a bit.

One day a mad king ordered his armies to search for the most powerful creature in all known creation, the dragon of the sun.
Capitalize the name of the dragon as it is a proper noun.

All but one of the Blood Elves followed the command of their captain.
Little confused, worn't we just talking about men?

he King and his followers Road back to their kingdom flags waved high, for they were now known as the kingdom of the sun
Road shouldn't be capitalized I think.

The huntsman comes to take her prize. The young woman is dressed in a two piece war dress.
So the HuntsMAN is a women?


Silence, the deadliest of sounds. The silence of death, the silence of those lost, the silence of an arrow, the silence of a clean kill, Silence.
Nothing wrong with this but I just wanted to say how much I liked it.

I noticed a few other things too in the story but they were very, very small.

BIG STUFF
I really liked this, in fact, I would say that this is some of the best work I have seen on this website :) I can tell that you really poured yourself into this writing.
The only thing I didn't like was the length of this piece. Maybe break it up in your installments like put the Awakening and the past together in one post. From the point of view of the reviewer, this is a lot to do in one sitting. But ither than that, Amazing job. If you get bored one day or something, I would love a review of my work from someone of your talent:)

work.php?id=96135
My piece called Welcome to Orba Nova




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Sun Jul 22, 2012 5:38 am
ImHero wrote a review...



I liked it :) After reading it all, I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. There are some mistakes in spelling and a lot of grammar but its coming along:). These mistakes below were just the painfully obvious ones, and my corrections might not be correct either, so please just use them as a reference, I felt that if I pointed them out and what I think is wrong with them then you might be able to fix them.. Anyways this is the review for the thread "review above" or something like that so yeah.. really good story !


You need a L at the start ;p.

"Long ago in a land of mystery and magic, there existed two kingdoms."

There existed two kindoms - dosn't sound right to me,
I would change it to were*

"plan a death on the king’s head, "

Plan a murder on the kings head?

"The searchers had tried for many a year to find the mystical dragon of the sun. "

for many years*

"and just about every color you could image on to the newly born child."

furthur imagry would be awesome here.

"When the dragon stopped its magnificent rain of fire the king rushed to his daughter’s side to see she was not hurt at all. "

Just to*

"All they needed was bravery and lov…"

love*

“Thank you Sir Silverbow. Wait just a moment I’ll be out soon.”

ehh, Don't really know whats wrong with his name just made the story seem silly while trying to convey a meaningful voice

"The old woman who gave the prophecy has been gone for many a year"

many years.. I'm not sure if this was intended now tho.. if so then ignore me :)

" The silence of the forest, the rustle of leaves when silence is broken. "

What??

"The silence of the forest, the rustle of leaves when silence is broken. A young doe, alone in the no longer silent forest. She grazes alone with no one to protect her no one to watch her. "

Alot of these sentenses are incomplete and awkward

"Her gloves like her shirt and skirt were green as the tree leafs. "

her* was* as*




stevie415017 says...


most of the things you said were ment to be they are old english and the silence is an analogy.



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Thu Jul 19, 2012 8:29 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm here to review as requested.

I want to start off by saying that you are a great story teller. The plot is amazing so far and I really, really can't wait to see what happens next! :) I also like your main character. You focused on her a lot so I really got to know her.

Alright, so here's some suggestions and comments I have:

Overall
~there are quite a few spelling mistakes. I may mention some later on, but I didn't want to annoy you by pointing out every single one. Go back and reread and I'm sure you'll pick the up.
~you also have some grammar errors as well. I know a few times you used the wrong 'there' but that's a hard thing to grasp sometimes. Again, go back and read over it.
~you are very redundant with using the main character's name. Make sure you mix up the tags you use. You also have her/she/the princess to your disposal. Get creative with what you call her. Readers will know who you're talking about.

The Past
~"As each empire prospered and flourished as there opposites became enraged with jealousy at the thought of another being better than the other." -I suggest rewriting it like this: 'As each prospered and flourished, the other became jealous of the thought that the other kingdom may be better than them.' -this flows better than your original sentence.
~"Villages against villages, cities against cities, empires against empires, each kingdom began..." -you should say 'empire against empire. Each kingdom began...' -that sentence should be broken up into two sentences
~"One day a mad king ordered his armies..." -who is this mad king? Which kingdom did he belong to? Or was he not part of either kingdom? Make sure you give some background info so the reader knows who you're talking about.
~"They had tried just about everything they could think of. They tried witches and wizards, spells and maps, everything they could think of." -I think it should say 'They had tried just about everything they could think of: witches and wizards, spells and maps, everything.'
~"All but one of the Blood Elves followed..." -who are the Blood Elves? I don't think you've introduced them at this point.

The Awakening
~"Silence, the deadliest of sounds." -I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS LINE! Okay, that's all :)
~"Threw out the years..." -should be 'throughout'.
~"Tigera never returned to the forest for many years..." -you should use 'didn't' here instead of 'never'. You're basically saying that she never returned to the forest, but she was back many years later. It doesn't make sense.

The Dreams
~"By her side was Prince Arthas of the Night elves by her side." -oops, you repeated 'by her side here'. I suggest leaving off the second one. Also, who are the Night elves? Same as I said above, make sure you explain something before you bring it up.
~Oh my gosh, I want to punch the king in the face! Can I please? Oh please, can I?

Overall this is a good start. Like I said before, I absolutely love the story line. I suggest going back and rereading this at least twice. You'll catch spelling mistakes as well as some grammar.

I'm really looking forward to reading more! Keep writing!
**Noelle**




stevie415017 says...


well thanks alot there is a map that gose alone with this story however i can not put pictures up on here but it shows the three kingdoms.



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Thu Jul 05, 2012 9:31 am
Rubric wrote a review...



Howdy,

First off, it would probably be good to get your review count up: you'll find people will be more willing to give you detailed reviews if you're also contributing to the site in that way. If you're not sure how to write a good review, there are plenty of people (including myself) who would be happy to offer advice, and a couple of threads dedicated to helping people write strong reviews.

I'll begin with a point-by-point nitpick and move on to a more general analysis. Buckle up.

"lived two kingdoms"
Do kingdoms live? They exist, they can thrive, falter, wax and wane like candles, but do they live?

"prospered and flushed there opposite"
flourished* their*

"of a single being better"
A single what? I think you might mean "another" rather than "a single"

"Empire against empire"
Empires and kingdoms are different things; to refer to a single political entity as both a kingdom and an entity can be accurate (Enlgish Kingdom/British Empire) but not neccessarily so. Watch the in-sentence capitalisation.

"than their enemies"
At this stage you only have two combatants: the kingdoms. As such you probably don't need to pluralise enemy.

"caused much grief on the kingdom"
brought much grief on/to the kingdom. Or
caused much harm to the kingdom.

"fighting why the remainder"
while*

"Some even went so far as to plan a death on the king’s head, but had failed"
I'm actually fairly partial to "plan a death on the king's head" though it isn't a phrase I'd use myself. The real problem is tense "even went" doesn't go with "had failed", but might suit with "failed" alone.

"she knew were the dragon"
where*

"Blood elves"
Blood Elves or blood elves would be appropriate, as their title is both words, not one. Also consider that the Blood Elves feature prominently in Blizzard's incredibly famous Warcraft franchise. This doesn't mean you can't use them (though there could potentially be copyright issues when it comes to publication), but it does affect a reader familiar with the brand in a negative way: it's hard to suspend our disbelief and take this world seriously.

"grasped desperately"
Why is he desperate? Because he needs to hurry up so he doesn't get caught? Perhaps "hurriedly" would fit better.

"set forward to "
I'm not familiar with the phrase "set forward", though it is similar to "set off". Perhaps try "endeavour to".

"the woman and her cart"
Previously it was an old woman and her shop. I understand that a shop can be run out of a cart, but it seems odd to change the reference given that this is only the second one you've made to her.

"cliff’s peek"
peak*, though few cliffs have peaks, most simply have edges.

"raised a large "
raised is an odd verb to use here, it doesn't really describe the dragon's movement.

"that roar"
Tense again: roared*

"flam of red"
flame*

The king ran to his first born “Noooooo.”
He planned to use it as bait, it seems odd that he's so upset. Also, lose the full stop and replace it with a comma, the next few words describe the speech and should be in the same sentence.

"lay in the burn grass"
It would probably still be burning, unless it was completely reduced to ash. Also: burnt*

"night time black hair"
night time reads oddly in the narrative style you're using: which reports back on a historical event; it's such informal language used to describe the night sky.

"it was kisses"
kissed* Also be aware that "fire-kissed" is commonly used to describe red hair.

"dragon bowed it "
its*

"out of there hiding places"
their*


"followers Road back to there kingdom"
rode* their*

"small rounded room"
round rooms are only suited to a few different kinds of construction materials. Mentioning what the house is made of would be helpful description.

"The older woman about her young twenties "
you need a comma to separate these clauses.

"The child wearing a brown night gown"
Same as previous, though the word "was" before "wearing" would also be helpful.

"and red walks into the child’s bed room"
You've shifted to the present tense with "walks"

"sir Silverbow"
Sir*, as it's a title

“I do mother, good night.” Said Tigera
*"I do mother, good night," said Tigera.*

my sunshine.” Said the mother
Same as above. Also consider that referring to her as "the mother" renders her fairly two-dimensional in her role. Is she not also a queen?

"Tigera gently opens "
Shifting tense again. opened*

"going to be ok"
"ok" reads oddly coming from the mouths of nobility, particularly in a medieval setting. It's also not a word, though "okay" kind of is.

"the rustle of leafs"
leaves*

"the pray"
prey*

"Silently pulls back"
This is not a new sentence, it is continuing the idea of the previous one: we have no subject for the verb "pull" to apply to.

"and the perfect kill"
missing a verb. "makes" probably, though "takes" would also fit.

"leafs crackle beneath the corps"
leaves* corpse* Also consider that in hunting young does, they're compromising the strength of the deer population and hunting sustainabley. If they're competent hunters they should be picking off single males or the older animals.

"huntsman comes to take her prize'
If the huntsman is a woman consider huntswoman*

"and though out her outfit it was stitched "
throughout* Also, what is "it"? It's unclear.

"large handmade bow"
"handmade" is kind of redundant in a pre-industrial society, unless you mean it wasn't made using magic, or ewas made with magic but no other tools.

"huntsmen had long sun kissed hair"
huntsman* (or woman, but certainly not pluralised) and probably sun-kissed*

"It was none other"
This isn't really a surprise, and in trying to draw attention to a supposed surprise in this way, your narrator is a bit aggressive.

"in order to survive we must kill"
Why is your narrator using the word "we". I'd suggest "she would need to".

"she did not marvel in it"
marvel at it* or, revel in it* mean different things.

"Tigera kneeled"
knelt*

"from the neck of the deer"
from it's neck.*

here.” Tigera said to herself.
Same comma issue as I mentioned in your previous speech.

"she was shore"
sure*

"was in torn clothing"
Torn, or just worn and ill-repaired?

"who had seem to be waiting"
seemed*, but to who? The reader, or Tigera?

"semi white"
Does not fit your setting and style at all. Consider "white flecked with traces of brown" as a description.

"mighty big grin "
mighty is an odd descriptor for a grin, and sticks as modern language in a non-modern setting.

"rest and protections"
protection*, as it is the idea of protection, not a particular example, or set of particular examples of the idea.

"You are our hero masked huntsmen"
He's just referred to her as a masked huntress, so he clearly knows her gender. Why does he swtich mid-breath?

"as is accustomed"
was*

"and turn to leave"
turned* Tense again.

"Tigera said under her breath"
It's a little odd that she speaks to herself so much. If you need to communicate these ideas to a reader, consider using her internal thoughts, either directly, or reported through the narrator, rather than her filling in the audience through speech despite the fact you've just indicated she's hunting in an area essentially inside the warzone (which is very silly, or suicidal, depending on your interpretation).

"gone two long"
too* two is the number.

"hidden forest"
how is it hidden?

"the castle walls"
Why is the village so close to the castle and still getting raided? If this is the capital, it sounds like the Blood Elves are a few days away from losing the war.

"Tigera turn afraid"
turned*

"Tigera is a princess and the only daughter of the king she is never spouse to be out of the site of the guards and certainly never in the hidden woods"
Your narrator is talking to the reader here, rather than reporting the narrative, and it absolutely kills the suspension of disbelief.

"Relief hit Tigera like a ray of sun"
This simile seems a little forced, because "like a ray of sun" doesn't correspond to the feeling of relief for me at all. It also seems to repeat the sun imagery where you don't really need to.

"Like Tigera she was a Blood elf"
At this stage you've only introduced Blood Elves and Dark Elves. It's unclear if humans even exist.

"Kaylynn Stared"
stared*

“Nah I think I’ll just"
I understand that she's a bit of a tomboy, but "nah" reads very strangely in this sort of court set-up.

hunting for the peasants”. said Tigera
same punctuation issue spotted elsewhere -> comma

A member of the royal family being without bodyguards and retainers in this kind of setting is surprising. In wartime it's almost unbelievable, especially if this setting has the kind of patriarchal assumptions of most medieval fantasy settings. Furthermore, the princess is seen as the Kingdom's best hope of winning the war, even more so with this moon dragon floating around, so it really begs the question of why she's allowed to leave the castle if dark elf raiders are mere miles away. Royal or not, her tutors probably should have beaten that kind of recklessness out of her years ago: she has responsibilities to her people and her kingdom that exceed illegally hunting the king's deer.

Build up myths and legends, name the kingdoms, countries etc, even if they aren't the focus of your story: witches and wizards often have legends build up around them, and these are the ones the King would have sought help from. Perhaps a particularly powerful witch could not be found, and it was her that gave the advice to the searchers, though they knew her not (of course you probably have your own plan for this, such as her being the sun dragon). You don't explain what the dragon of the sun is, and the reader needs to have some idea of why it is considered valuable, or the king's search makes no sense (even within the context of his insanity). The reader really needs to feel that the world has its own history if the story is going to work, and they can't feel that if you don't bother to name the key combatants of the war that shapes the story, and the powerful influences that are the subject of myth and legend. Even minor characters, like they spy, would ideally be named (though that may be concealed if you plan on surprising us later.


Your use of tense does need work: you often shifted to the present tense when describing the actions of the princess. The idea of the rebellious tomboy princess who's more interested in being her own person and helping people her own way is not original, and it would be wise to consider how you're going to use and represent this idea in your own unique way (consider the recent movie Brave, and the heroines of Tangled and Mulan for inspiration on this).

Similarly, your use of there, their, and they're could use work, though you get it right enough to show me that you do know the difference between these words, you just stumble in applying that knowledge.

I like the idea of this story, but as my point-by-point review showed, the strong characterisation of the princess is undermined by the reoccurence of several distinct weaknesses that I've addressed in my more general review.

I hope this is helpful and I'd be happy to read and comment on your work again if you feel that it would be helpful.

Cheers,
Rubric




stevie415017 says...


i have made many of the changes you pointed out and thank you i do plan on later on telling more about the dragons of the sun and the moon i wanted to expand on the idea the hole story is a myth of why the sun rises in the east. You read 1 1/2 chapters and most of it was a child's book that the mother was reading to her child and there is not much detail in a child's book. Im baseing most of the story of romeo and juliet and i just wanted to introduce Tigera's personality before going into the real story. I can keep updating you on the story if you wish though.



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Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:06 pm
HealeyAidan wrote a review...



Overall, I liked it. You had a few misspelled words and could use some work on your grammar, but it was okay. I liked the dragon parts, but maybe you should add me description about them? And when Tigera interrupts her mother telling the story, the mother should say something like "Even the most ridiculous things have a place in our world." That hints to the reader that some it may be true, which it is.




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Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:04 pm
HealeyAidan says...



Overall, I liked it. You had a few misspelled words and could use some work on your grammar, but it was okay. I liked the dragon parts, but maybe you should add me description about them? And when Tigera interrupts her mother telling the story, the mother should say something like "Even the most ridiculous things have a place in our world." That hints to the reader that some it may be true, which it is.




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Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:40 am
stevie415017 says...



sorry i had a mis-spell on the title it's The War of Night and Day..
My bad :P




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Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:34 am
stevie415017 wrote a review...






stevie415017 says...


thanks a lot 4 ur review i will work on it :P




Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson