Young Writers Society

(sorry for reposting this. I forgot to click the review button and can't edit the original)

This is good, and well written, though I have a few nit-picky things here and there. There are a ton of run-on sentences. Go back through and fine comb the thing, If you use the words 'and' or 'but' in your sentence more than twice, its probably a run on. There were plenty of them so I won't post them all.

I like the idea. I think there are a few parts that confuse me. I don't like that the narrator says "i wont tell you about london" and then in the next paragraph she does exactly that. I like that she was in the barn outside of the family when the monsters or whatever they are arrived, but then it suddenly takes a twist toward a scene of pure dialogue that kinda makes no sense >.> I don't like that after such a good narrative.

How is the doll a waste of resources? If it actually WERE a baby then I'd see it, but if it's a doll than the person wouldn't have actually said something like that. But since it's a doll, her baby is dead and that means that half the story is left untold. Why did the father try to shoot it? Was this a twist for the sake of having a twist? It was just all confusing to me.

The tone was magnificent right up until she left the barn during the swarm and then it just kinda crashed and burned for me... I'd like to see a revamped version where it clarifies the shooting, etc; or you could just leave that part out. Good stuff though. You're an excellent writer.

(Completely off topic) Are they Zombies? It sounds like Zombies, but its not clear, though I kinda like it that way. I just wanna know if it's Zombies in your own head as the writer. You don't have to write that part in.

This is good, and well written, though I have a few nit-picky things here and there. There are a ton of run-on sentences. Go back through and fine comb the thing, If you use the words 'and' or 'but' in your sentence more than twice, its probably a run on. There were plenty of them so I won't post them all.

I like the idea. I think there are a few parts that confuse me. I don't like that the narrator says "i wont tell you about london" and then in the next paragraph she does exactly that. I like that she was in the barn outside of the family when the monsters or whatever they are arrived, but then it suddenly takes a twist toward a scene of pure dialogue that kinda makes no sense >.> I don't like that after such a good narrative.

How is the doll a waste of resources? If it actually WERE a baby then I'd see it, but if it's a doll than the person wouldn't have actually said something like that. But since it's a doll, her baby is dead and that means that half the story is left untold. Why did the father try to shoot it? Was this a twist for the sake of having a twist? It was just all confusing to me.

The tone was magnificent right up until she left the barn during the swarm and then it just kinda crashed and burned for me... I'd like to see a revamped version where it clarifies the shooting, etc; or you could just leave that part out. Good stuff though. You're an excellent writer.

(Completely off topic) Are they Zombies? It sounds like Zombies, but its not clear, though I kinda like it that way. I just wanna know if it's Zombies in your own head as the writer. You don't have to write that part in.

I really liked this story. It reminded me of something that would be on the twilight zone

This piece has already been reviewed out the wazoo, so I'll just say that this is brilliantly deranged.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hello dear! Sorry it's taken me absolutely forever to get to this but I'm finally a bit more settled after my holiday so review here I come!

Specifics

1. I love the use of the rhyme interspersed throughout, that's really effective. I wonder though if you shouldn't keep the first line as 'London Bridge is falling down' rather than broken down. For me it would have the same meaning and work just as well. If you do keep broken down though, you should change the lines that follow to breaking down because it's really jarring to have the rhyme only half warped when it relies so much on that repetition.

2.

I could talk about London and what is happening there, but it doesn't matter anymore, as I only remember it by the ash that drifts through the air once and awhile in a while.

I know it's been awhile a while and I couldn't sit with you and rock you like I used to do.

I used to think that pretending was the same as lying, but now I think it's just different way to deal with the truth.

Hello Threnody,

Here is your requested review.

The star that I gave you is for the story from Hannah's perspective. That part was very interesting to read, and I was intrigued all the while. It progressively draws us into a very safe sense of familiarity with Hannah as a character, and her relationship with her child. Her story is positively haunting.

As regards the first part, I will only make one suggestion: your narrator should not contradict herself. It looks very amateurish. She opens her story by telling her child that she will not tell her about London because of its futility, but almost immediately afterwards proceeds to tell her child of London. "because there's no use hiding it."

If she is going to tell her child about London, she must not pretend that she won't. Her change of heart jarred me incredibly as I read. But although that jarred me, I kept reading because I was intrigued to see what you would create.

And then, in a way I didn't think possible, you managed to take what you had built, and throw it all away as soon as you left Hannah's story. Not only did you destroy the magnificent picture of Hannah and implement a massive info-dump, but you confused the heck out of me. And for what? A little gimmick of a twist?

Let me first explain my confusion. I was under the impression that monsters/aliens/things had overrun London. I was also under the impression that the child's father had died to save Hannah and the child. At the end, I don't know what's happened.

It seems like there are in fact "monsters/aliens/things" because of what is swarming the barn. If this is true, however, then you have left half of the story untold. Why did her husband shoot the baby?

Aside from my confusion, there is the fact that the mode of narration change is enough to throw your readers for a serious loop. From a beautiful picturesque narrative free of dialogue, we get a gritty scene of pure dialogue.

The dialogue itself reads as contrived. As though you need to tell your reader stuff, so you shove it into the words of the characters. You tell us that: 1) monsters are coming into the barn, 2) the baby is really a doll, 3) Hannah's husband shot her child, 4) Hannah has been deluding herself all the while, and 5) Henry's refusal to leave Hannah to her delusions is going to lead to her death.

For such a short amount of dialogue this is one heck of a lot of information. You have too much plot here for a story this short. You can cut the plot some to try to maintain some of the beauty and irony, or you can extend the story to ensure that the all of these pieces of information are given appropriate attention. The choice is yours, but right now this piece is severely flawed.

I happen to think that the idea of having her in the barn when the monsters come is great, but I don't see what her husband shooting the baby has to do with that, or what Henry's coldness as a character has to do with that. We don't need to be told that Henry caused her death, we can discern that for ourselves.

I had such high hopes for this story, as it started off as one of the best fiction pieces I have read on YWS in a long time. You need to work on the ending though. Rather than the shock and emotion that you want it to deliver, it leaves me feeling like I was just played for a cheap trick.

You are a talented writer. Make your skill count.

Hope this helped.

Man, Threnody, this was amazing!

I really like the style this was written in -- how the lyrics related to every paragraph (obviously your intention) and how it sounds so real. I truly like how simplistic its written. First it seems just like a scatter-brained impression of everything, like one might expect if they were in a similar situation. But when we reach the end, with the story's lovely little plot twist, we see that its actually just the broken ponderings of a woman who has all but lost her marbles. Just ... to put it mildly ;P

There was a woman in there but don't worry, she's not there anymore. Henry got rid of her for us.

I didn't have time to grab your stuffed bunny from your cradle, but I made you a new one. Henry found it in the woods and we ate the stuffing but I got to keep the outside. There's no more blood and I sewed it back up with sawdust. It's starting to smell and fall apart, so I suppose I should get you a new one.

Hello there!

First off, nice plot twist! I love how it's all in her head. It reminds me of the R.L. Stine story I read, about a girl who's best friend was killed in a car accident, but she believes that her friend wants to steal her body... Anyways! xD I really did like the story. I thought the "baby" was either a dead baby or a zombie; definately didn't see the doll coming.

As for any grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors, I didn't find any. Nice!

All in all, good job on the story! But it wasn't really that scary.

- Ariel/Iggy.<3

Wow. This is so great. You're an insane writer; this piece is mad in all the right ways. So wonderful!

I really love this piece! It has just the right doses of insanity, sickness, cruelty and devestation to really come together into a dark, can't-put-down-even though you're creeped out- sort of feel. What I liked best about the story was the little snippets of a seemingly harmless children's song everyone has heard to contradict with the setting and events for a haunting atmosphere. I also liked how as the reader reached farther into the story the pieces of this main character's story were slowly stitched together. And the ending was just brilliant. Heart-jerking, unexpected (at least to me, anyways) and crazy enough to be realistic. Also, the title fits in really well because it doesn't give anything away, yet when you finish reading and look back at it, it makes perfect sense. Fantastic job, and I hope to hear more from you.

Hey there is your guy LoyalHeart here with a review for you Thenody.

First off I have to say this a really great, rather uniqueness to it in my opinion since its not something I've seen before. But still its great, it's fairly solid and I continually read thought it and I'm trying to think of what to say in terms of what to improve on. But what from my point of view I'm rather curious if this is supposed to be a flashback or a story of retelling of events or what? This somehow has a feel of a post apocalyptic world to it in the opening, since you had compared snow to ash. But again that's how I felt. Now for more of the story in general.

This seems to be a story with a song to it, to increase the mood to things as you write the story cause like I said it gives a post apocalyptic feel to the story. Now Grammar and punctuation checks out no need to worry, but maybe you could try to include who the main character of it all is. Cause I don't think you say or at least directly anyways but I'm done for now.

So this has been your review from LoyalHeart and I hope you have a great day, later!