A/N: So, I found a picture of a cool looking flower. This somehow led to this less than happy-happy poem. I'm unsure of how this happened, but I'm contemplating the end and the lack of capitalization and periods. Feel free to tell me what you think on that, or any of it. Thanks for checking the poem out nonetheless.
Honey Queen
you are
the honey queen
covered in flowers
of pink and gold
and, perhaps,
soon bees, wasps, and all that hurts
will swarm,
but they will fly away as soon as you sink
to the bottom of
the lake
you are
the lake lady
sitting cross-
legged
on the silt and stone bottom
surrounded by shifting
water weeds and fish
the size of bird dogs
that you were told you could feed crackers to at the dock
and everything blurs in the murky
sable, your human eyes playing tricks,
and you don’t see the hand that grabs your russet hair
you are
the damsel of a fisherman,
kept captive by the dragon,
the white and red leviathan that
keeps you afloat--
the bass-smelling man
screams at your indolence
but you don’t care--
you could’ve survived at the bottom of the lake for all time,
longer than you could have survived the bees
I liked your imagery and your ability to connect with the reader. I also like the way your ending hints at something more.
My rating:5*s
My favorite part:
you are
the damsel of a fisherman,
kept captive by the dragon,
the white red leviathan that
keeps you afloat--
the bass-selling man
screams at your indolence
but you don't care--
you could've survived at the bottom of the lake for all time,
longer than you could have survived the bees
Keep writing!
w&w
I'm a fan of:
The three distinct ways you separated your stanzas: the honey queen, the lake lady, and the damsel, as it travels from land, to lake, to... the bass-smelling man...?
"you are the lake lady sitting cross-legged"
The play of personification and the imagery of sitting "cross-legged."
"on the silt and stone bottom surrounded by shifting..."
YES! I love all the "s" sounds!
"and you don't see the hand that grabs your russet hair"
A nice description for something as boring as hair color.
"you are the damsel of a fisherman"
Great expression here.
"the white and red leviathan that keeps you afloat-"
Subtle description of a fish-floater perhaps? Clever.
What I didn't get (because I might be too dumb to):
"that you were told you could feed crackers to at the dock"
"your human eyes playing tricks"
Too personified with words like "feed crackers" and "human eyes"?
It throws me off from the
Not sure about the meaning of the ending, though it sounds terribly good.
The overall look and flow of the poem can be refined by re-routing some lines.
Thanks for the good read.
Toodles.
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