At it's core, what you have here is a strong insight into loneliness. Who it affects and how. This is very good, if not a little ambitious, but here on YWS a well plotted deep story often passes by with little attention so I thought I would make an effort to give this the attention it deserves.
To begin with it all could be tidied up a bit, particularly the dialogue. It is natural and flows like a real conversation but it's too natural. You meander and amble through pointless dialogue. Not only that, you leave out punctuation and words where they are required to make the meaning clear. I fear a lot of the scene is lost in ambiguity. The absence of speech tags is refreshing. Infact, I get the feeling you read a wee bit of McCarthy. It reads like a combination of McCarthy and Carver.
The characters are strong, perhaps the strongest part of the story. Though at times you take too much of a leap. Sometimes a story requires something extraordinary to occur that triggers a string of events or circumstances that reveals character and provides the allegorical push. But the little 'triggers' are too unrealistic, too unnatural for the reader to become engrossed. Particularly the part when they initially stop for a burger. Like I said it is bizzare and strange but it is also jarring because it just seems to happen and cops wouldn't normally act like that. The story is working to hard to make sense, it's sweating not glistening -- if you follow. Maybe don't stop for a burger, or if you do make it more natural. Make it align with what we know of the cop at that time, so plant the seed early. In the first line talk about how hungry he is, because the act of eating, the metaphorical breaking of bread is the centerpiece, make us remember it for the right reason. And when it happens make it just happen.
"A sign for Burger King approached. The cop reviewed his passenger, hesitated then wheeled into the drive-through"
I don't have much else for you. It does need a lot of work and I think you would do well to take more time to apply the literary gloss. Don't be disheartened if this doesn't get the attention it deserves. Trust me, this is one of the best short stories I have read on YWS in a long time. It provides insight, it has character but not too many, it is heart breaking and refreshing. Parts may be overplayed but you've done well.
If I were you I would read the short story "What we talk about when we talk about love" by Raymond Carver if you haven't already. Carver knows how to right his story into the dialogue of his characters without effort.
JP
Points: 14013
Reviews: 280
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