z

Young Writers Society



24 - chapter 1

by BradenPowell


Chapter 1: meet the gang

Max slipped through the side streets, avoiding suspicious looking people out of caution. He made sure to check behind him at every corner. Taking long, silent strides through the inner slums of the city, he used his time to consider the night’s events. The failed – and laughable – attempt at robbing him played over in his head. Crime rates in the red zone were increasing while the blue zone stayed nice and even at 0%. Not that you could tell from outside – nobody bothered to keep track of crime, let alone police it. He looked up towards the skyline to see the massive wall looming into the sky. Guards patrolled along the top of the wall, stopping anybody who was crazy enough – no, stupid enough – to try to scale it. The only way out of the slums, the ‘red zone’, was to be a resident of the luxurious blue zone. The outer city that encircled the veritable prison yard that housed the poor – housed being used loosely, of course, as you couldn’t walk for five minutes at night without encountering at least one homeless person – and the only way to reside in the blue zone was to have money. It was a vicious cycle. The rich got richer while the poor got poorer. Just how those fat cats liked it.

He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. There was no point in dwelling on what he couldn’t change. At any rate, James would probably be happy with Max’s latest acquisition. His only regret was that he hadn’t been able to find what he was looking for. The red zone at night was a hotbed of shifty characters trying to offload trinkets onto anyone with a wallet. He looked up, having reached his destination. Max raised his hand and knocked on the door. After a while, a knock came back from the other side. He then knocked twice and waited. The door opened to reveal a very tired looking girl. She had long brown hair that, at the moment, was a bit messy and deep blue eyes which she rubbed sleepily. She was beautiful – Max thought so, anyway.

“Hi Sam. I’m sorry I’m late.”

“What time is it? What happened? Are you ok?”

“Uh, it’s like 1 AM or something. And I was mugged, but I’m ok.”

“Mugged?” The girl suddenly straightened, alert now. She leaned in to inspect Max. “Oh, you’re bleeding!”

“No, I’m fine. It’s not my blood, I fought him and I won.”

“That isn’t like you. You’re usually really careful.”

“I… uh… used my daily.”

At this the girl sighed and turned, muttering something about wasting powers on muggers. Max really liked Sam. The reason he’d gone out so late was to try and find her a gift. Had he known that the search would have turned out to be futile, he’d probably have given the mugger his wallet. He should have, really.

“I’m sorry if I worried you.”

“You should be sorry that you wasted your daily!”

“I…” What was he going to say? That he didn’t mean to waste it? That he was out trying to buy her something? That he loved her? “…Sorry.”

“What’s the point of having a daily ability if you’re going to waste it before sunrise?”

She was right. Max knew he had to be more careful with how he used his power. He could only slow time once a day, after all and only for a few seconds at that. Sam had a more interesting ability. Once per day she could implant a thought in someone’s mind. They would suddenly get the thought and think that it was their own. It was the perfect ability for someone like her, though. So shy outside of her social circle, it seemed fit that she would have an undetectable, unnoticable power. Max wished that he could help Sam. Samantha, so delicate and shy, lacking in confidence. He wanted to hold her, tell her how great he thought she was, that she didn’t need to be so quiet and reserved. He wished that she could be like this all the time. To tell the truth, the way that she cared about her friends was kind of cute. Nurturing, in a way, if not bossy.

“That reminds me, where’s James? I have something for him.”

“He’s asleep. Like I was before you interrupted me.” She suddenly looked remorseful, like she regretted that last part. “I’m glad you’re okay,” she added quietly before turning and heading into her room, closing the door behind her. Max knew he wouldn’t get any sleep that night. His conversations with Sam were often confusing to say the least. Did she like him? Did she think of him as merely a friend? He shuddered, whether from the cold or the thought of never being with that cute, quiet girl, he couldn’t tell. Either way his mind was racing, going over every line of the exchange and analysing it, probably over-thinking it. He walked to James’ room and knocked on the door. It opened immediately.

“Yes hello Max It’s great to see you again what took you so long oh well never mind come in I have something to show you I’ve been working on it all night hey do you want some coffee?”

“Uh, okay?”

“Great come in.”

Max entered the room. It had the distinct smell of gunpowder hanging in the air mixed with coffee. Spare parts for different weapons lay scattered on every surface and thewe were at least 3 empty coffee mugs scattered around the room.

“How much coffee have you had?”

“Thirty two cups.”

He said it so casually, like it was one or two.

“Oh… I see. Are you sure that's-”

“Quick come here It’s taken me all night to finish what do you think?”

Max walked over to the table. A normal looking pistol sat there, making him wonder what James had done to it. He helped himself to a can of cola, cracking open the top.

“NO!”

BOOM!

The room filled with smoke causing both Max and James to launch into a coughing fit. They desperately scrambled for the door, temporarily blinded by the white flash that had filled the room moments ago. James crashed through the door and the smoke rushed out into the hallway. Eventually the ringing in Max’s ears subsided and his vision gradually returned. He looked up at James – he didn’t look happy.

“Do you have any idea how long that took me to finish?”

“Al-“

“ALL NIGHT!”

“I’m sorry! I had no idea that-“

“That was my secret weapon Max you never know when you’re going to need to surprise bomb someone!”

Just when Max thought he was beginning to understand the inner wokings oj James' minde, he pulled something like this.

“Well, here, I got this for you,” Max started, reaching into his pocket.

“It’s going to take me all ni-… What’s that?”

“It’s a revolver. 2-inch. You wanted one, right?”

James seemed to have forgotten about the can bomb. He took the gun and was now going over the it very intently. He studied it for a while.

“Where did you get it?” he asked, not bothering to look up from the gun.

“A guy mugged me. I took it from him.”

Either James didn’t hear him, or he didn’t care. He seemed mesmerised by the revolver. After a while he looked up.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Don’t mention it. Hey, I’m going to head off to bed.”

“Okay man but you know where to find me.”

With that he was gone, back inside his room, door closed, most likely tinkering with some gadget or other. Max started towards his room, physically and mentally exhausted. Maybe he would get some sleep after all.


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Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:32 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! Sorry it's taken me a while to get to this, had a crazy few days!

Specifics

Title: Alright so I'm not sure that '24' as a title would entice me to read this. For a new writer, titles are really important and you should try to think of something catchy and memorable to help with the marketing side of your book.

1.

Max slipped through the side streets, avoiding suspicious looking people out of caution.
This is slightly awkward phrasing. I think you don't need that 'out of caution' as we can already see he's being careful/ cautious.

2. Loving the set up you have here. It's clearly established where the charcter is and what the world is like and it draws the reader in, good job.

Descriptions

You're a little weak on the scenic details sometimes, maybe try to throw a few more of those in. Also, remember that there are five senses, not just one. You've got some good visuals going on but there's also sound, touch, taste, smell. You don't need to use them all but throw a few in here or there, I'm sure the slums don't smell too pleasant.

3.
“What time is it? What happened? Are you okay?”


4. Daily abilities, I like. You've got some very fun ideas going on here and a lovely, natual way of conveying them that doesn't come across as too info dumpy. Perhaps leave us wondering what it is for longer though. It would be more interesting to reveal the details of their powers in the next chapter or perhaps even another down the line.

5. You're laying the romance on a little thickly for my liking. I've always preferred stories where relationships grow stronger throughout them.

Overall

Okay so I like what you have here but I've got a few issues. Description I already mentioned so I'll move right on to characterisation. James is good, no problems there but Sam and Max are very blah. If it wasn't for your interesting plot, I'd probably stop reading this. I might even then if the characters failed to show improvement because characterisation is key to a story.

The issue I have with Sam is everything we discover is given us from Max's point of view. Avoid that. A reader wants to meet a character for themself and decide what they think of them. I've seen the technique work well as a subterfuge or to build tension for a character you don't meet until far later in the novel, but since she's already present, let her do the talking. Show us through her dialogue how quiet and kind she is.

Well I hope that gives you a few things to think about and thanks for the read,

Heather xxx



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BradenPowell says...


Thanks so much for the review. Just so you know, I am keeping a few secrets and intend to raise a lot of questions in chapter 2. I also really want to reveal max's character over time, to sort of make it feel like you're starting to get to know him.

There is a lot of good advice in your review, so I'll make sure I remember it in the next chapter, especially the senses thing.



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:09 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there Braden, Ita here to review.

I'm glad to see you added your first chapter to this. Now some more things are clear to me, especially the powers thing. I see why he was waiting for midnight to strike.

Could I add that, to make things clearer, you could insert a space between every paragraph, like what I'm doing with this review? It makes things much clearer that way, and slightly more eye-friendly. However, it's a relief to say you edited the crazy format your prelude had.

Max slipped through the side streets, avoiding suspicious looking people out of caution.


Not the strongest of starts, but okay. Try: Max slipped through the side streets cautiously, avoiding suspicious-looking people.

Taking long, silent strides through the inner slums of the city, he used his time to consider the night’s events. The failed – and laughable – attempt at robbing him played over in his head. Crime rates in the red zone were increasing while the blue zone stayed nice and even at 0%. Not that you could tell from outside – nobody bothered to keep track of crime, let alone police it. He looked up towards the skyline to see the massive wall looming into the sky. Guards patrolled along the top of the wall, stopping anybody who was crazy enough – no, stupid enough – to try to scale it. The only way out of the slums, the ‘red zone’, was to be a resident of the luxurious blue zone. The outer city that encircled the veritable prison yard that housed the poor – housed being used loosely, of course, as you couldn’t walk for five minutes at night without encountering at least one homeless person – and the only way to reside in the blue zone was to have money. It was a vicious cycle. The rich got richer while the poor got poorer. Just how those fat cats liked it.


You could, through much editing and careful lengthening, show us these things instead of merely telling them to the readers. Well... most of them, at least. That would make things more interesting, as well as bulking out the chapter.

She was right. Max knew he had to be more careful with how he used his power. He could only slow time once a day, after all and only for a few seconds at that. Sam had a more interesting ability. Once per day she could implant a thought in someone’s mind. They would suddenly get the thought and think that it was their own. It was the perfect ability for someone like her, though. So shy outside of her social circle, it seemed fit that she would have an undetectable, unnoticable power. Max wished that he could help Sam. Samantha, so delicate and shy, lacking in confidence. He wanted to hold her, tell her how great he thought she was, that she didn’t need to be so quiet and reserved. He wished that she could be like this all the time. To tell the truth, the way that she cared about her friends was kind of cute. Nurturing, in a way, if not bossy.


I reiterate, show us these things instead of merely presenting them to the readers.

“Yes hello Max It’s great to see you again what took you so long oh well never mind come in I have something to show you I’ve been working on it all night hey do you want some coffee?”


xD Ohgod I hope that's deliberate, else my grammar nazi side will fly to Australia exclusivity to kick your ass. It's quite confusing, really. The same goes for the rest of his speech.

Also, you could always describe Jame's room some more. Ever heard the saying "A man's bedroom describes him as a person"? Yeah well, I find that's true.

On the whole though, a good piece.

Keep it up! :D

Hope this helped,
~Ita




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Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:28 am
SPAuthor wrote a review...



Okie-dokie. SP here to review for ya.
Okay, so first off, I would recommend breaking this into more paragraphs. You've broken up the speaking parts right, but when you get to the descriptions they're really big. It might just be a personal preference, but I usually only put 4-7 sentences in a paragraph, just for ease of reading. Other then that, it seems to be spaced right.
As for the characters, I can tell that both Sam and James have very clear personalities. Max's personality isn't so defined, but that could be because it's only the beginning of the book. Just make sure he's got a clear and unique personality as well.
And this part:
“Yes hello Max It’s great to see you again what took you so long oh well never mind come in I have something to show you I’ve been working on it all night hey do you want some coffee?”
I'm pretty sure you meant to keep the punctuation out to show James was talking quickly, but it could get confusing. I would suggest something like this:
"Yes, hello Max, it's great to see you again, what took you so long? Oh well never mind, come in I have something to show you, I've been working on it all night, hey do you want some coffee?" Just to break it up a lil' bit, especially with the questions, and do that with his other speaking parts too. But I like how you express James's personality so well.
Also, there's a lot of telling rather than showing here. For instance, in the very first chapter of the book, I already know Max has a crush on Sam, but only because you outright told us. Maybe you could slow it down a little and show it through words and actions? Like Max could act shy around her, or maybe there could be some kind of conversation later on in the book?
Also, you could show us what the red zone and blue zones are, like leaving the red zone and entering the blue zone with the characters and noting the differences. I know that if you have some bigger plot to get to you'll need to hurry the info along, but perhaps just tell a bit at a time, and the reader will understand and yet still be curious about the things you didn't tell them which will keep them reading.
When I read the prelude, you had a good hook, and I kept reading. You did well with explaining the dailies through conversation, but you could've not told us exactly what their powers were. I'm still curious about James's power, and I'm gonna keep reading to find that out, but when you introduced Sam, and I realized they had powers, I was like "What's her power?" and then you just told me and killed the hook. I hate to keep repeating this, but my biggest complaint is: Show, don't tell.
Other then that, I really like this book. I love sci-fi, and I'm really intrigued about the zones and characters. They seem like an interesting bunch, but don't kill the curiosity in the next chapter, k? G'job and keep writing!
~SP



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BradenPowell says...


The reason that Max's personality isn't defined was because I wanted the readers to gradually profile him over a few chapters.

I'll probably edit to include that bit about the grammar in James' quick-talking spree. It does get a bit confusing.

=.= oh, darn it! I've had a problem with telling not showing in the past. I obviously have to work much harder on that.

Thanks so much for the review!



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:17 am
Nook wrote a review...



Hey, aqua here!

Now this made a bit more sense than the Prelude!
I liked it a lot more too. And it's a bit less confusing than before!
(lol, I just repeated myself.)

Your story flows, like always, and you gave us a permanent setting, a love interest, background characters, and a character who serves as a cocci relief! All important aspects of a good professional novel. And you included lots of potential action and potential kinetic energy into this! I like where this is going!

First, I'd like to point out that there are some grammatical errors and spelling errors in a lot of places. Although there are, fortunately, only a few, they are still there. Check them out and correct them, please.

"Just when Max thought he was beginning to understand the inner wokings oj James' minde, he pulled something like this."

(And tons of other places too)

Something my English teacher always told me to mind was when I added in numerical values in my prose. She said sometimes it looked out of context and unnecessary and also told me that we should word them out. So now I'm giving that advice to you.
i.e That "3" should be turned into "three."

For some reason, James' lines bothered me, even though I knew it was a result of an over-caffeinated brain and an apparent lack of sleep-but-not-energy. He's hyper, I get that and I realize that's the reason why he's stringing his words together like that. And it's super funny but as it still annoys me, when I look at it from a writer's point of view.
From a reader's perspective, I would lol. But try and figure something out to fix it, I guess.
Maybe string it along with a bunch of hyphens so there won't be that annoying lack of punctuation.

I wish I could say more negative things about this chapter to make this review longer but I really can't. This is a really good piece of prose and I just want to say, I will be honored to follow this story to the end and review and review!




aqua1213 says...


Oh my, auto-correct is just so annoying. That cocci thing up front is supposed to be comical.



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:05 am
KatKage wrote a review...



See? Told you I'd keep reading ^^
Honestly, the story just keeps getting better ^^ And I really don't really see many mistakes ^^
Just again maybe with a few of the big paragraphs, ^^ but the story still had good flow ^^ There is one tiny thing bugging me though.
What exactly does the setting look like? ^^
I mean, I'm not sure if the buildings are modern or old fashioned. Perhaps a mix. Obviously there is some technology as you can see with the guns, but what about the environment of the where the story takes place? What was Max walking on on the way home? Cement? Dirt? Stone? I'm just not sure ^^''
Still, the story is great with-out it, but it's still something to think about, no? ^u^
But seriously, It's amazing and I can't wait to keep reading ^u^





One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah