Max pulled his coat tighter around him to fend off the cold. He needed a new one. What good was a coat if you couldn’t zip it up? Nothing. He checked his watch - 11:50. Shivering, he watched his breath come out in a cloud of mist. What was that? A scuffle behind him like a hurried footstep. Glancing over his shoulder he saw a young man in a hoodie. Picking up his pace, Max tried to put as much distance between him and the man as possible. Hoodies were never a good sign at night. Criminals wore hoodies while trying to hide their faces. He sped up again. The idea of being followed by a criminal was somewhat disconcerting. He wondered what crimes The man done. Maybe he’d killed someone. Maybe he’d robbed a store. Maybe… Maybe he hadn’t done anything. This was silly. It was a cold night, and a lot of body heat was lot of body heat was lost from the head. Max couldn’t remember how much though. He started to relax, slowing down and glancing back over his shoulder again.
“Oh, come on!”
He was staring down the barrel of a 2-inch revolver.
“All your money. Now.”
The guy in the hoodie.
Max checked his watch. 11:57. He had to stall for time.
“Okay, man. Just take it easy. I don’t want a fight.”
“Money! Now!”
“Okay, I’ll give you my money.”
Max reached into his pocket.
He made a big show of trying to find his wallet, checking his other pocket and then his back pocket before he finally reached into his coat pocket and produced a wallet. He tried to discreetly check the time. 11:59. Almost there.
“Nice watch.”
Discretly checking the time wasn't easy.
“You want it? Here, just please don’t hurt me.”
He started to remove the watch from his wrist. Just then, a clock chimed midnight somewhere deeper in the
city. The man was distracted. The time had come.
“Give me back the wallet.”
The mugger turned around.
“What?”
“Give me back my wallet before I take it back.”
The mugger looked angry. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
“I’m not going to ask you again,” Max insisted. “Give it back.”
The mugger launched a punch at Max. Perfect. At that moment, time slowed. Max easily ducked before countering with a punch to the man’s gut. Standing up, he brought his left arm across, pushing the pistol out wide and stepped forward with his left foot. From there he pivoted and threw his right elbow backwards into the assailant’s face, feeling the cartilage spliter and warm blood splash his arm. He then ducked once more, sweeping his right leg around, knocking the man off his feet and rising again to stand as he had a moment before. Time resumed its regular flow as he bent down to pick up the revolver. The mugger's hood had been swept back, revealing him to be a young man - rather confused looking too. Blood flowed from his nose, though Max doubted that he'd registered the pain yet. He turned his attention back to the revolver, checked the cylinder of the weapon and snorted.
“It’s not even loaded.”
He bent down, took back his wallet, tucked the pistol into his pocket and walked off into the cold night.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter 24 - chapter 1Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,601 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Ok then,
Positive things:
I liked the start, the build-up to the fighting, and the phrase
"The time had come."
I liked the phrase because it's such a powerful phrase and had me anticipating what was coming next!:)
The build up to the fighting was good, the way you had him stalling and acting nervous until the time came(see what I did there?) and then the sudden change between the characters, the guy in the hoodie being the vulnerable one.
Ok next;
I dont really think the title jumps out at people. Something a bit more exciting maybe? Striking Noon? Im bad with titles haha :/
Also, Discretly should be discreetly.
I cant find any faults with this that havent been mentioned already! I really liked this, i'd love to read more!x
Hey, sorry it toke me so long but here is my review:
Small stuff
"He wondered what crimes The man done."
Don't think The should be capitalized. If it is a proper noun, then capitalize the "Man"
"The idea of being followed by a criminal was somewhat disconcerting."
This is kind of redundant; saying that being followed by a criminal is uncomfortable is 1) obvious and 2) undersold by the statement. Being followed by a criminal, no matter what he did, would scare the crap out of me (but that's just me).
Big comments
Your story thus far is very grabbing and interesting. I hope to read more and see what happened to Max
Hey ^^ Thank you for looking at my story ^^ so when I saw one of yours, I decided to take a look at it ^^ Thank goodness I did! This is amazing! ^^ Ofcourse, there a few spelling and grammer mistakes, but those were covered already so I'll move on ^^
ok, so one thing I noticed are the two really long paragraphs. Usually, it is better for flow if they are broken down. Because;
1: It can be confusing and
2: Who isn't guilty of skipping through long paragraphs? Come on, we've all done it. ^^ But to make sure that doesn't happen, maybe you could cut the paragraphs in half ^^ each one starts a new idea or addition to the story. For example:
You see, the mind likes flow. If someone is just casually looking through books, the subconsious might go "Ugh, long, bad XP" This does not always happen and not for everyone but it does happen, no? ^^ Maybe make it like this:
'Max pulled his coat tighter around him to fend off the cold. He needed a new one. What good was a coat if you couldn’t zip it up? Nothing. He checked his watch - 11:50. Shivering, he watched his breath come out in a cloud of mist.
What was that? A scuffle behind him like a hurried footstep. Glancing over his shoulder he saw a young man in a hoodie. Picking up his pace, Max tried to put as much distance between him and the man as possible.
Hoodies were never a good sign at night. Criminals wore hoodies while trying to hide their faces. He sped up again. The idea of being followed by a criminal was somewhat disconcerting. He wondered what crimes The man done. Maybe he’d killed someone. Maybe he’d robbed a store. Maybe…
Maybe he hadn’t done anything. This was silly. It was a cold night, and a lot of body heat was lot of body heat was lost from the head. Max couldn’t remember how much though. He started to relax, slowing down and glancing back over his shoulder again.'
See ^^ less to takle, easier flow ^u^ But the rest of it is really well writen! ^^ I love it. It raises so many positive questions:
Why did he have to wait to use his powers?
What are his powers exactly?
Who or what is he?
Very positive questions like that ^u^ I'll keep reading, count on it ^^
Hey there Braden, Stella here!
the man had done
splinter. Also, the blood wouldn't just... whoosh and splash everywhere. If there was enough blood to splash, then the guy would be dead.
Alright so you've already gotten some great reviews- I remember you mentioning the point Audy made in chat about "He." It's not that you're using "he" too much, it's that your sentence structure isn't varied. When we learn to write stories this is the form we use: subject verb object, subject verb object and so on and so forth, maybe with a few adjectives thrown in. The thing is, that sentence structure can really be your friend. When something is long and drawn out draw your sentence out. For instance:
"The history teacher was mumbling on in his monotone voice about something to do with a rebellion and why it didn't work out but Ben really couldn't be bothered paying attention, instead tracing over and over again the doodles on his page."
But then, if something is happening quickly, if your PoV character is pumped with adrenaline?
"Ben looked around. The street was empty. There was just the two of them. His heart thumped against his ribs. His breath became ragged. He curled his fist."
Do you see the difference in rhythm? Subconsciously as readers we pick up on that sort of thing, and that's the kind of thing that makes a difference in a story. In this case, well, your premise is certainly fascinating, but there's no change in rhythm, no change in tone, from beginning to end.
ANYWAY, that's just a very small thing to pay attention to that I would never usually pick at so early into a novel, but since you mentioned it in chat I thought I'd say what I thought.
As far as openings go, as a scene overall this is good, but your opening paragraph really lacks pizazz. I'm big for opening ON the action. I don't want to hear about how Max is cold. I'm cold. I'm not reading to be reminded that I'm cold. I'm reading to see people get beaten up and fall in love and solve mysteries. So try and open on a line- and the following paragraphs- that really drag your reader in. Start closer to the gun. As well, in that first paragraph, Max seems all at once paranoid and prejudiced, then he's totally slick by the end. Essentially, change up the whole first bit of this, make Max seem more likeable and make the story more exciting.
You've had lots of lovely reviews already so I'm not sure how much more I can say.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
When I said splash I meant a few drops. But thanks for the review. A lot of what you said answered some difficult questions I was having, so thanks! The reason I had Max so slick byt he end was because at the beginning he was sort of helpless, but at the end he had an advantage.
Hey there Braden, Ita to review, unasked for but hopefully not unwanted! xD
This is your first piece submitted, huh? Well, then I'll have the honor of being one of the reviewers.
Firstly, your title. '24' is unusual, but maybe a bit dull. It might not catch the reader's attention. And, though I'm sure it (probably) wasn't intentional, '24 - Prelude' sounds something that Bach or Mozart would have composed. I know, I'm weird like that.
Also, this is put under the heading of 'Action/Action-Adventure/Sci-Fi'. I see the 'action' all right, but fail to spot the sci-fi bit in it. I mean, it all seems like normal tech. Well, I guess that'll come later.
Back to the chapter.
What struck me as relatively odd was why he was wondering what crimes he could have possibly committed... I know I would have remembered possible crimes xD He does add that he's being silly, though, so yeah. /Just a nit-pick
One other tiny and irrelevant nit-pick:
There might have been a formatting error here, as in all the other paragraphs you leave a space.
This paragraph might need to be slowed down a bit. Try like this:
He made a big show of trying to find his wallet, (actually not too sure about this one) before checking his other pocket and then his back pocket, before (also note how you repeat the two 'befores') he finally reached into his coat pocket and produced a (his?) wallet. He tried to discreetly check the time (placing 'discreetly' after 'time' might also work here). 11:59. Almost there.
Formatting error #2? Anyway, 'The time had come' made me shiver in anticipation a bit. The action that followed didn't dissapoint me.
I think considering the corrections Audy gave (especially the 'He' thing) should be an idea, but personally, I like the fight scene.
Too bad the chapter is a wee bit short, although it sets the scene and hints at Max's mysterious 'power'.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hope this helped,
~Ita
I love the motzart comment XD. Also, I like to leave a space for dialogue, a blank line to be easy on the reader. I just read this for the first at a normal hour lol. Yeah, I'm rather unhappy with the 'he' thing.
Also, '24' is in reference to the plot of the story.
Thanks so much for the advice!
Bradenpowell,
Thanks for the review of my poem, that was kind of you! So here I am to return the favor. Overall, I think this is a great concept to a story and I'd love to see where you would go with it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like Max has some sort of ability to perceive time differently from others - in this case, slowing down time - but it looks like this ability only lasts for a minute, and it only "activates" on the hour? I think this ability alone is interesting and would make me want to read on.
However, as I was reading the story, it was unclear what was happening in the beginning. I kept thinking, what's he doing here? Just minding his business before he runs into some trouble-makers? Okay, but then why does he keep checking his watch? That was the confusing element for me, because normally this indicates that he's waiting for someone, or that he's got some kind of plot hatched out and he's waiting for it to play out. You have to give the readers a bit more than that, because they don't know what kind of story this is at this point.
At first I thought perhaps he was waiting on those criminals to appear -- but then at a later point, he seems surprised when he says "Oh! Come on" and it made me think perhaps he was waiting on something else and got held up by these bad guys. For all I know, this could be a whole time-traveling biz and he's confronting a variation of himself. Regardless, I would flesh the beginning out a bit more.
Also note:
Take a look at your sentence construction: He did this, he did that. You have the same subject + verb sentence layout throughout this entire piece. Try to vary it up a little to keep us engaged in the story.
The only other suggestion I can think of to give you is to be careful with pacing. Pacing for a piece like this would be critical. There are certain things a writer can do to sort of "slow down" the story and "speed up" the story. Speeding up means shorter sentences. Fewer details. Quickfire dialogue. You want to be straight-to-the-point.
On the contrary, slowing down would have you implement longer and more arduous sentences with a lot more details. And I don't mean to write boring sentences, either - don't ever give a reader useless information. Rather, try to always keep some tension going. Note the difference between:
And:
The difference here is that the latter has a much, much more slower pace. If you mix it up, and use longer/detailed sentences when time is slowed down -- and then continue your faster paced sentences when time is normal - then the reader would be able to better experience this story first hand
I hope that makes sense. Let me know if you have any other questions.
~ as always, Audy
Thanks a lot for this review. I'm trying to work on the HE thing and the whole detailed thing is great advice. I was trying to hint at special abilities while not giving too much away, but obviously i needed to give a bit more.
Hey, aqua here. And welcome to YWS!
1. I'm going to start off by saying this is written extremely well. But to tell you the truth, I think this would have sounded a bit better with some descriptions. I mean, describing the night or the street.
2. I like the plot a lot, I can see where this is heading. Don't tell me, he can slow down or stop time after the clock hits twelve. Or...he can stop time exactly at twelve. Something like that!
3. That time when the mugger said: “All your money. Now.”
And then afterwards when Max was taking out his wallet: “Nice and slow.”
It's giving off really confusing signals if you ask me. But people probably wouldn't notice that.
4. Just then, a clock chimed midnight somewhere deeper into the
city. Change that into into (haha,weird!!) in, OK? It kinda sounded weird to me...
5. The action scene was kind of hard for me to follow. That's just me,(lol, I'm pretty slow!) but it might be like that for other people too so, check back on that particular paragraph again.
6. ...feeing the cartilage in his nose splinter. I'm guessing that's supposed to be feeling.
Okay, that's it for me! Write ahead because I really want to now the back story and continuing plot!
Hi, thanks!
I was really tired when I wrote this, I wrote it mainly so I would have a reason to continue with it and am going to re-upload a better version of the prelude. Also, My "L" key is a bit iffy. Thanks for all of the support by the way
No probs!!
Hello and welcome! I like to get right to it when I review so here goes:
1. "Hoodies were never a good sign at night. Criminals wore hoodies while trying to hide their faces."
Be careful with phrasing. I dont know if you're from the states, but not even 2 months ago there was a big story about a kids who was shot for wearing a hoodie that bothered a lot of people. phrasing is key.
2. "“Nice and slow.”" this is a bit inconsistant. He starts with "Money! Now!" meaning hurry up and get it, go, go, go. Then decides to slow it down. Maybe this is a bit picky, but hey, thats me
3. " trying to find his wallet before checking his other pocket" in this setting before is unnecessary, just make it a comma.
4. "At that moment, time slowed" literally or figuratively? if literally add more imagery and detail.
I think thats all. Overall this is pretty good. I'd love to see where it goes! Keep it up and keep me posted.
-Emoti
1: Im from australia and actually know all about the hoodie thing. I was trying to actually say with the whole cold head thing that hoodies weren't actually exclusive to criminals, but I guess I under-did it.
2: I was trying to think of how it would actually pay out and totally overlooked that. Thanks.
4: Literally. I'll have to remember the detail thing because the flow of time is going to be pretty important in this story.
Thanks so much for the review. Like I said, I'm dreading waking up to find how afwul this sounds when I'm not tired, but hopefully I can put all of this to use in chapter 1.
Hey there, Braden. I'm here to review as promised.
It's actually not hard to make these sentences into one. You could say, "He heard a scuffle behind him and turned..."
No reason why the time shouldn't be part of the sentence: "Max checked the time- 11:57."
Why is he so concerned about his watch? Is it part of his ability?
Hey man, thanks for the review. He was concerned about his watch because he had to get the timing right. Failure to do so would have meant that he was evenly matched and Max is going to be meticulously careful.
Thanks for the review, it helped me more than I thought!