Young Writers Society

Hi there!

I rather liked this piece. It's amazing how you've conveyed so much of what was happening and the character's emotions in 3 paragraphs. It didn't feel to fast or slow.

What bothered me the most when I started reading the piece was the length of the sentences. The were all short sentenced and sounded like a drone. It felt rather choppy. It's always better to have a mixture of long and short sentences, creating a nice balance and flow.
But later I thought the choppiness sort of worked, creating this tone. I wouldn't advise starting off like that, considering it has the ability to put the reader off.

You describe well. It painted nice, pretty images in my mind which I think everyone likes. The personification worked really well too.

Your third paragraph felt totally different from the rest. There were a lot of questions and what lay in the truck just plain confused me. A katana beside a laptop? That picture didn't fit that well into my mind. It just doesn't seem real. The rain was a nice touch.

The ending feels something like a cliffhanger, even when it's not. The piece raises lots of questions in the readers' minds even with its short length. Tiny questions like who is this person? Where are they? I rather like the effect the piece leaves; this tingling feeling to know more.

Keep writing!
Angel

Hello there.

I must say, I actually enjoyed reading this piece, which I found a bit strange since I tend to dislike choppy narration and favor long, flowing lines of texts peppered with commas, conjunctions, and other necessary punctuation marks (can you tell?). But I suppose reading about your prompt and the purpose of this piece put me in a different frame of mind, kind of like how one approaches a novel and short story differently. Besides, reading a purely descriptive piece is fun.

I think that one of the biggest reasons why I feel like the choppy sentences works is because of how it sets up the tone. While I was reading I felt like I was looking at the mind of someone focused only on survival and looks at everything in rapid succession for a threat. This established an intense tone, the reason for which was explained at the end. So yes, really liked the set up for this piece. I also liked that the sentences, while short, didn't have a repetitive structure, which saved this piece from being wooden and boring.

I also liked how you described the surroundings. It's clear you put a lot of effort into using just the right words, and I particularly enjoyed the personification of the wind and leaves in the beginning. I thought that the way you described the wind as creeping and leaves as dancing was appropriate, and I felt like the forest was actually alive instead of simply being a backdrop. I was continuously engaged throughout this piece with your description, so as a purely descriptive piece I consider it a success.

I just have one minor nitpick. I think the katana in the truck seems a little out of place. Maybe there's a story behind it, but it just seems a little strange that a group would be carrying such a specific Japanese sword with them. I guess I don't understand why you chose to specify a katana instead of going with a more general term for a bladed weapon.

All in all I really enjoyed this short and simple piece and its descriptive style. Would I enjoy the same descriptive method for something like a novel? Probably not since the choppy sentences might be more annoying in a long work. But for a work as short as this one I think you used it quite well to bring life to the setting and set up the tone for your work.

Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.

--Dover