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Young Writers Society



Zegentia: The Roads of Marceris Ch.3 (Part 2)

by DudeMcGuy


Chapter 3...part 2

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Lucian retied his bandana over his forehead. “My father removed all of Darius’ belongings from the house and stored them outside. I was punished if I spoke of him, even if it was accidental.”

Juliana assumed the worst considering Lucian mentioned he was traveling to Melliark to meet Baldren, not Darius. “Lucian, I’m sorry.”

“Baldren continued to train for the day when he would leave for the mountain. My father buried himself in his blacksmithing work, and mother, she…” Lucian sighed as his voice cracked. “They all just went on as if he never existed, but I refused to accept it, and I swore to never forget him.”

“Lucian, you don’t have to say anymore. You can stop if it’s too much.”

But Lucian ignored her and continued on. “I went out into the valley everyday to wait for him. I climbed to the top of the highest hill I could find and looked out towards Ragamsol. Rey-su and Vaha-ni circled over my head in the evenings to ensure that I would return home before dark. And I went back each night more disappointed than the day before.”

Juliana did not wish to hear anymore. The pain in his voice made her uncomfortable, and she encouraged him once more to end the story. Her plea went unheard however, as Lucian’s train of thought was too strong.

“Nothing changed until the seventh day,” he said.

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Lucian sat atop the hill and played with the grass near his feet, periodically looking into Orika’s cloudless blue sky. The birds and insects that flew past him sparked his childish imagination and kept him occupied. He waited patiently until he was surprised by a shadow that was cast over him at mid-day.

Is that… a dragon?

Lucian saw the mighty serpent circling over him as he shielded his eyes and looked towards the sun. “No Rey-su!” he shouted. “It’s too early to go home!”

The dragon began to swiftly descend towards the hill.

“No! I’m not leaving until Darius gets here!”

But the beast drew closer and did not respond to him.

“Rey-su? Vaha-ni?” he shouted. Wait, no it’s too small. That’s…It’s a fire dragon!

Lucian became paralyzed with fear as the unfamiliar creature landed next to him. The force generated by its massive wings knocked him to the ground, and Lucian slowly crawled backwards as the red colored serpent stood over him. Lucian was too afraid to even ask the dragon for its name as he cowered behind his hands.

I, I’m going to die! he thought. But it was in his moment of total horror that he heard a voice coming from behind the dragon’s head.

“Lucian? ...Lucian! It is you!”

That voice! It’s Darius!

His brother dismounted the dragon and rushed over to him. “Lucian! What are you doing so far from home?” he asked.

“I was waiting for you brother,” Lucian answered. “I’ve been waiting here every day!”

Darius laughed as he embraced Lucian. “Well you don’t have to wait any longer! I’m here now! I’ve returned!”

The two brothers were both overcome with emotion. Darius tried to hide his tears, but Lucian did not. He did not care what his older brother thought of him crying, seeing Darius return alive was all that mattered to him. The day he wished for had finally arrived.

“Come Lucian,” Darius said with a smile. “Let’s return together. I promised you a ride after all.”

Lucian nodded and wiped his face as he looked back at the fire dragon. He saw his brother’s brand marked on its chest and wondered how he had not noticed it earlier. The fear he felt towards the creature dissipated entirely.

Darius lifted Lucian and leapt onto the serpent’s back. He held him close to his body with one arm and used his free hand to hold a rope that was loosely tied around the dragon’s sternum.

Lucian felt the heat of the dragon’s body as he gently ran his hand over the dark red scales.

Darius leaned forward. “Take us home Shen-mir!”

The dragon inhaled deeply and stood as it extended its wings. Shen-mir then sprinted off the hillside and flew towards their home, rapidly flapping her wings to quickly gain altitude.

Lucian had never experienced anything like it. The creature flew with such great speed that he could hardly keep his eyes open. He held his arms out from his body and pretended that he had wings of his own. He let out an adrenaline inspired yell as his hands shook from the air rushing past them. Lucian began to recall all the stories that his mother told him about the amazing speed of a fire dragon. Flying through the sky was far more incredible than she described.

----------------------------------------------

Lucian finished his story and became quiet.

“Lucian, that was amazing.”

Juliana had closed her eyes in order to visualize the two brothers flying on the dragon. She opened them slowly and saw Lucian facing away from her, breathing rapidly and wiping his face with his sleeve.

What? Why is he crying again? He’ll be embarrassed if I stay here. It’s best if I leave for now.

“Um, Lucian?”

He looked at her briefly with bloodshot eyes and quickly turned away again.

"My grandfather will probably return any moment now, and he asked me to prepare the camp for our meal tonight. I’ll bring you something when they get back.” She stood and touched his shoulder. “I…I really enjoyed talking to you Lucian.”

But Lucian did not respond.

“Alright, I’ll be back shortly after dinner.” Juliana slowly walked back towards the tent, taking several glances back at the oak tree and listening for the sound of his tears.

She gathered some small stones, dry brush, and a few tree branches and dropped them near the tent. Juliana then retrieved several blankets from the wagon and placed them in a circle around the makeshift fire pit. She sat alone after retrieving the water, plates, and her grandfather’s skinning knives from the wagon. The only task that remained was to start the fire.

I can do this, she thought. Radi barely even gave me a chance before. And Father said it’s simple with some practice. Juliana crouched over the fire pit and struck the flint stone and steel knife together, but nothing happened. I won’t let Radi mock me again! After struggling for a while longer she dropped the stone out of frustration.

“Why? Why won’t it work?” she shouted.

Juliana backed away from the fire pit and lightly kicked the flint away from her. She sat down and stared at the collection of twigs and dry brush as she pondered the cause her failure. Father said it should be easy! She used the blade to casually draw lines in the dirt until she heard a soft voice from behind her.

“You’re not striking it at the correct angle.”

Juliana turned around to see Lucian standing behind her, examining the marks on her discarded stone. He seemed to be well, with only a few traces of red lingering in his dark brown eyes.

“Lucian!”

“Sorry Juliana, did I frighten you just now?” he asked.

“Not at all, will you show me?”

“Uh, sure.” He sat down beside her and received the knife. Lucian held the blade in his left hand and the flint stone in his right. “Hold the flint still and scrape the knife down like this.” He did just as he instructed, striking the stone several times as several large sparks fell harmlessly on the ground between his feet. He then handed the knife and flint back to her.

Juliana stood up and mimicked his demonstration over the fire pit, but she was still unable to produce a single spark. She looked back at him. “Like this Lucian?”

“Yes, just a little harder perhaps.”

Juliana continued to fail as she struck the knife against the stone. “It’s not working,” she said. “I suppose I’m still doing something wrong.”

Lucian was about to answer her, but he became quiet when they both heard Radi and his grandfather arguing in the distance behind the trees.

“You’re delusional old man!” Radi said. “I did the most work! So I’m taking the ribs!”

“Please child, the fawn must have been partly deaf to not run from your clumsy footsteps. It should be prancing on the far side of the forest by now.”

“Ha! It’s as deaf as you are blind then! How difficult is it to aim for a sleeping animal?”

“It only takes one arrow Radi, there’s no sense in rushing it.”

“Pathetic excuses! That’s all I hear out of you! Speaking of which, why don’t I smell any smoke?” Radi laughed as he ran ahead of his grandfather. “Juliana! We’re back Juliana! It seems you need a man to start the fire for you again!”

“Not this time Radi,” Juliana muttered to herself. She began to strike the stone with a faster rhythm in a desperate attempt to ignite the wood. But she failed once again as her haste caused her technique to become careless and inconsistent. Unsuccessful in her final try, Juliana threw the knife into the pit and let out a frustrated groan. She sat up and peeked over the tent to see Radi jogging towards her, his grin reflecting a childish look of superiority.

“Not aga--”

Juliana nearly bit her lip as Lucian suddenly took hold of her from behind. She fought her natural instinct to scream as he quickly grabbed her hands and squeezed them tightly. She panicked and closed her eyes as she squirmed and tried to push him away.

“Like this,” he whispered.

Juliana ceased her struggling and looked back at him as he retrieved the knife and placed it in her empty hand. She gripped the blade firmly as Lucian guided her hands over the fire and began to assist her in striking the stone. Juliana let her arms become limp as Lucian moved her hands for her. The steel grinded against the flint and produced a spark that ignited the brush almost instantly. They both smiled at the sight of the small flames while Lucian still held Juliana’s hands.

She looked over her shoulder at him. “Um, thank you Lucian…you can let go of me now.”

Lucian immediately released her and awkwardly fell to the ground at her right. “S-Sorry!” he said as his face began to blush.

Radi suddenly came charging around the tent, and his smile quickly changed to a look of disbelief as he looked at the burning wood. He stepped around the fire pit to Juliana’s left and saw her holding the knife and flint stone in her hands.

“You did it Juliana!” Lucian shouted. He crawled close to the fire and began blowing on the flames. “I knew you had it in you, it just takes practice.”

Juliana played along with the lie and stared at her brother. “Yes, well… It was simple once you told me to use a better striking angle.” She smiled at Radi and demonstrated the motion Lucian showed her without actually striking the stone in her hand. “It’s all in the wrist!” she said. Juliana giggled at the dumbfounded expression on her brother’s face as his eyes shifted between her and the fire.

But Radi soon shook his bewilderment and walked over to Lucian. “You there!” he shouted.

Lucian stood up and nervously looked back at him.

No Radi! Juliana thought. Leave him alone, he hasn’t done anything! All we did was talk. You don’t need to protect me anymore! She stood up and walked behind her brother in case she needed to intervene, but to her great surprise and delight Radi simply extended his hand out to Lucian.

“I’m Radi,” he said.

Lucian quickly shook Radi’s hand, “Uh hello, I’m Lucian.”

“Lucian?” he said sternly.

“Y-Yes?”

“You call that a handshake? You’re supposed to actually squeeze my hand!”

Lucian took a small step back. “Oh, I, I uh…”

“Forget it, start over.” Radi extended his hand out to Lucian again. “I’m Radi.”

Lucian reached out a second time and shook his hand firmly. “Lucian,” he said.

Radi smiled. “Better. Do it that way every time.”

They stood there with their hands together as the grandfather approached the fire. He breathed and sweated heavily as he carefully lowered the young deer’s body from his shoulders and set it near his skinning knives. He held his lower back and gingerly walked up to the young men.

Radi turned away as his grandfather came closer to Lucian.

“Your name is…Lucian?” the grandfather asked.

“Yes,” Lucian answered.

The old man extended his hand. “You can call me Dyne.”

Lucian shook the man’s hand confidently, making sure to squeeze it firmly.

Dyne smiled at him. “Alright then!” he shouted. “Let’s cook! I’m starving.”

Juliana walked over to Lucian as Radi and Dyne moved back towards the deer. “Lucian,” she whispered to him. “You don’t have to stay; I’ll bring something for you later.”

Lucian looked down and began to mumble to himself.

“Lucian? Are you alright?”

“I think…I…”

“Hmm? What was that?”

He slowly turned to Juliana and looked into her eyes as he whispered back. “I think I would rather eat here…with you.”


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Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:19 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Hi Dude!



Lucian saw the mighty serpent circling over him as he shielded his eyes and looked towards the sun. “No Rey-su!” he shouted. “It’s too early to go home!”

The dragon began to swiftly descend towards the hill.

“No! I’m not leaving until Darius gets here!”

But the beast drew closer and did not respond to him.

You haven’t told us much about the dragons, and this bit makes me curious. You describe this one as “a mighty serpent” and then in the next breath as a “beast”, which to me carry very different meanings. They haven’t demonstrated any ability to talk or communicate yet, but I assume they must have some way of communication. At present they seem more like smart pets rather than sentient beings, but from the way Lucian described before about not belonging to anyone, it gave the impression that they were on a similar level to humans. You should definitely clarify this. In the first section of this chapter you could include more interactions between the humans and dragons to give a better picture of the dragons’ mental state and their relationships with the humans.


Lucian nodded and wiped his face as he looked back at the fire dragon. He saw his brother’s brand marked on its chest and wondered how he had not noticed it earlier. The fear he felt towards the creature dissipated entirely.

Darius lifted Lucian and leapt onto the serpent’s back. He held him close to his body with one arm and used his free hand to hold a rope that was loosely tied around the dragon’s sternum.

Lucian felt the heat of the dragon’s body as he gently ran his hand over the dark red scales.

This would be a good moment to describe the dragon more fully. I know the basic Western idea of a dragon is fairly common, but they can differ wildly from writer to writer. Is the tail clubbed or pointed? Does it have a crest? Is it folded or spread? Are its wings clawed and leathery, veined and transparent? Is its tongue black, forked, blue, red? Are its teeth and claws white or yellow? What colour are its eyes? What shape? Does it have eye crests? Does it have spikes down its back or on its knees and elbows? Are its claws serrated or smooth? Do its upper teeth protrude down over its lower lip? Are its scales hard and plated like armour, or are they soft? You say it has red scales, but describe the colour in more detail. Is it a warm red, cool red? Does it fade to orange or brown anywhere? What colour are its stomach and throat? Are the scales dull or shiny? Do they catch the light in and new and pretty ways? What does it smell like? Can Lucian hear or feel the sound of its heart? What sound does it make as it breathes?


After struggling for a while longer she dropped the stone out of frustration.

“Why? Why won’t it work?” she shouted.

Juliana backed away from the fire pit and lightly kicked the flint away from her. She sat down and stared at the collection of twigs and dry brush as she pondered the cause her failure. Father said it should be easy! She used the blade to casually draw lines in the dirt until she heard a soft voice from behind her.

Juliana’s emotions are all over the place here. She shouts out loud, which denotes extreme anger, when I would have expected her to remain thoughtful after hearing Lucian’s story. He’s been moved to tears by his memories, and Juliana seems like the kind of person who would be affected by that, not start yelling because things aren’t going her way. But then she kicks the flint “lightly” which seems to say that she’s not that worked up after all, which makes her yelling seem stranger. She draws “casually” in the dirt, which again shows that she’s not that cross—so why was she so upset a second ago?


“Lucian!”

“Sorry Juliana, did I frighten you just now?” he asked.

“Not at all, will you show me?”

This still doesn’t feel natural. Read it out loud, imagine yourself having this conversation with someone else. It doesn’t ring true. You’ve got excess stuttering and very formal phrasing, which doesn’t marry well together.


“Juliana! We’re back Juliana! It seems you need a manto start the fire for you again!”

Typo.


Juliana nearly bit her lip as Lucian suddenly took hold of her from behind. She fought her natural instinct to scream as he quickly grabbed her hands and squeezed them tightly. She panicked and closed her eyes as she squirmed and tried to push him away.

This seems like a huge overreaction to him touching her. She initiated contact earlier on—she touched his leg and put her hand on his shoulder, so why all this freaking out over him touching her hands?


“You did it Juliana!” Lucian shouted.

Why is he shouting? Lucian’s shy and quiet, why shout?


The old man extended his hand. “You can call me Dyne.”

Why can he call him that? Isn’t that his real name? Saying “you can call me X” makes it sound like X isn’t his real name, but it’ll do for now. Like, James Bond is undercover and not very subtle about it, and he tells the girl he’s about to hook up with, “You can call me Mr Fleming”. We know that that’s not Bond’s real name, and it’s kind of a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the girl that that isn’t his real name either, which gives him an air of mysterious allure. Or whatever. I dislike James Bond.

Also, if you’re going to refer to the grandfather by his name now, I think you should introduce it earlier on. It’s a bit strange that up until now he’s been “the grandfather” and now he’s suddenly “Dyne”. What would be better would be to go back and make him always be “Grandfather”. That way it’s full in Juliana’s POV, because she wouldn’t think of him as “the grandfather”, just “Grandfather”.


Lucian looked down and began to mumble to himself.

When you say that someone begins to do something, it makes it sound like he continues to do that thing for a long time. Like, a crazy person would begin to mumble to themselves, because they would carry on talking to themselves while you try and calm them down. Also really Lucian’s not mumbling to himself, he’s talking to Juliana. You could say instead, “Lucian looked down and mumbled something”. It makes more sense.

---

Hi!

It’s easier to comment on POV in this chapter because more physically happened. It’s a lot better than in previous chapters, and the improvement really shows in your prose. ^_^ The pace is handled better as well, and overall, the storytelling is a lot smoother and stronger!

You still need to work on getting your dialogue right, and I’d like more description, especially of the dragons, because it seems like they’re a fundamental part of the story. It’s important that we get a good idea of them, physically, emotionally and mentally.

So overall, there’s been great improvement! PM or Wall me if I was unclear on anything, keep writing and post in my WRFF thread when there’s more to read! :D

-twit




Twit says...


I also like the growing friendship between Lucian and Juliana. It's going nice and slowly so I can appreciate it more, and it's sweet to see them overcoming their initial reserve and finding common ground. My shipping hat says ROMANCE, but it would be nicer and less predictable for it to be platonic friendship. I shall wait and see what happened. ^_^



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 5:39 pm
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Shearwater wrote a review...



Me again!

Again, I'll be reviewing as I read. :3

“You did it Juliana!” Lucian shouted. He crawled close to the fire and began blowing on the flames. “I knew you had it in you, it just takes practice.”

This is a weird reaction from him since he's still not very comfortable with Radi and her grandfather and his exclamation here actually made me think you probably meant this line for Radi instead of Lucian.
The old man extended his hand. “You can call me Dyne.”

Finally, we get the old man's name. Unless it was stated before, but I can't remember.

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Okay, so this part was fairly short but it was essential and I liked the nice simplicity of it after the entire heartfelt events in the first part. And the ending was very sweet and I will fully ship Lucian and Juliana as a couple. I find them quite adorable, actually.

Now, the flashback was awesome and I think you wrote it very well it gave me chills when I read it. I liked how his brother returned and after you mentioned the branded part, I was like, "Duh! Lucian mentioned that before." So that made me feel stupid because I forgot he was branded and that meant that he survived and came back and I spent that time worrying for nothing. Yet, I'm still a bit fuzzy on why Lucian was still feeling sad and tearful after the story had a good ending and how that connects to his other brother, Baldren.

I also liked the interaction between Radi and Lucian, too. I think it's quite interesting and important, yet bittersweet of a younger brother and an older brother, not related by blood, to shake hands the way they did. I hope they get along well in the future and can rely on one another just like blood brothers would.

Um, so I'm trying to find a way to make this review somewhat helpful but when it boils down to parts of novels as innocent and simple as this part you have here, it's hard to find anything wrong with it and I won't dig if I don't need to. That said, this is probably where my review will end, haha.

So again, if you have any questions or comments you know where to find me. And do let me know when you post the next part. I'm slowly getting sucked into the novel which is really fun for me since I haven't been stuck on a really good YWS novel for a while now.

All the best,
-Pink
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Wed Jun 20, 2012 1:18 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Dude!

So out of this whole story, I only found one matter that I can nit pick, and it is:
"The fear he felt towards the creature dissipated entirely."~ I think that 'dissipated entirely' is a bit too stiff, considering that you're talking about an excited, ten year old little boy.

Other than that, I couldn't find a single thing to complain about. Which I guess is good...I mean, I like to complain...Like, alot, :P but this story doesn't let me do much of it. Great job!

You, again, were able to perfectly integrate the flash back, so it was easy to understand, yet still interesting. I also like how Lucian and Juliana are getting depth to them, and are making friends. They're starting to get really easy to relate to.

And, BTW, I really like how Lucian helped Juliana start the fire. Radi sounded exactly like my brother does, when he's mocking me for not being able to start a fire. It was definitely something that, I at least, know about; and I like the sense of comradery that Lucian showed when he saved Juliana from that.

As usual, PM or drop a comment on my WRFF thread if you have anything to say about my comments, or when you finish chapter 4.

Keep writing,

~Shadow





On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus