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Lucian saw the mighty serpent circling over him as he shielded his eyes and looked towards the sun. “No Rey-su!” he shouted. “It’s too early to go home!”
The dragon began to swiftly descend towards the hill.
“No! I’m not leaving until Darius gets here!”
But the beast drew closer and did not respond to him.
You haven’t told us much about the dragons, and this bit makes me curious. You describe this one as “a mighty serpent” and then in the next breath as a “beast”, which to me carry very different meanings. They haven’t demonstrated any ability to talk or communicate yet, but I assume they must have some way of communication. At present they seem more like smart pets rather than sentient beings, but from the way Lucian described before about not belonging to anyone, it gave the impression that they were on a similar level to humans. You should definitely clarify this. In the first section of this chapter you could include more interactions between the humans and dragons to give a better picture of the dragons’ mental state and their relationships with the humans.
Lucian nodded and wiped his face as he looked back at the fire dragon. He saw his brother’s brand marked on its chest and wondered how he had not noticed it earlier. The fear he felt towards the creature dissipated entirely.
Darius lifted Lucian and leapt onto the serpent’s back. He held him close to his body with one arm and used his free hand to hold a rope that was loosely tied around the dragon’s sternum.
Lucian felt the heat of the dragon’s body as he gently ran his hand over the dark red scales.
This would be a good moment to describe the dragon more fully. I know the basic Western idea of a dragon is fairly common, but they can differ wildly from writer to writer. Is the tail clubbed or pointed? Does it have a crest? Is it folded or spread? Are its wings clawed and leathery, veined and transparent? Is its tongue black, forked, blue, red? Are its teeth and claws white or yellow? What colour are its eyes? What shape? Does it have eye crests? Does it have spikes down its back or on its knees and elbows? Are its claws serrated or smooth? Do its upper teeth protrude down over its lower lip? Are its scales hard and plated like armour, or are they soft? You say it has red scales, but describe the colour in more detail. Is it a warm red, cool red? Does it fade to orange or brown anywhere? What colour are its stomach and throat? Are the scales dull or shiny? Do they catch the light in and new and pretty ways? What does it smell like? Can Lucian hear or feel the sound of its heart? What sound does it make as it breathes?
After struggling for a while longer she dropped the stone out of frustration.
“Why? Why won’t it work?” she shouted.
Juliana backed away from the fire pit and lightly kicked the flint away from her. She sat down and stared at the collection of twigs and dry brush as she pondered the cause her failure. Father said it should be easy! She used the blade to casually draw lines in the dirt until she heard a soft voice from behind her.
Juliana’s emotions are all over the place here. She shouts out loud, which denotes extreme anger, when I would have expected her to remain thoughtful after hearing Lucian’s story. He’s been moved to tears by his memories, and Juliana seems like the kind of person who would be affected by that, not start yelling because things aren’t going her way. But then she kicks the flint “lightly” which seems to say that she’s not that worked up after all, which makes her yelling seem stranger. She draws “casually” in the dirt, which again shows that she’s not that cross—so why was she so upset a second ago?
“Lucian!”
“Sorry Juliana, did I frighten you just now?” he asked.
“Not at all, will you show me?”
This still doesn’t feel natural. Read it out loud, imagine yourself having this conversation with someone else. It doesn’t ring true. You’ve got excess stuttering and very formal phrasing, which doesn’t marry well together.
“Juliana! We’re back Juliana! It seems you need a manto start the fire for you again!”
Typo.
Juliana nearly bit her lip as Lucian suddenly took hold of her from behind. She fought her natural instinct to scream as he quickly grabbed her hands and squeezed them tightly. She panicked and closed her eyes as she squirmed and tried to push him away.
This seems like a huge overreaction to him touching her. She initiated contact earlier on—she touched his leg and put her hand on his shoulder, so why all this freaking out over him touching her hands?
“You did it Juliana!” Lucian shouted.
Why is he shouting? Lucian’s shy and quiet, why shout?
The old man extended his hand. “You can call me Dyne.”
Why can he call him that? Isn’t that his real name? Saying “you can call me X” makes it sound like X isn’t his real name, but it’ll do for now. Like, James Bond is undercover and not very subtle about it, and he tells the girl he’s about to hook up with, “You can call me Mr Fleming”. We know that that’s not Bond’s real name, and it’s kind of a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the girl that that isn’t his real name either, which gives him an air of mysterious allure. Or whatever. I dislike James Bond.
Also, if you’re going to refer to the grandfather by his name now, I think you should introduce it earlier on. It’s a bit strange that up until now he’s been “the grandfather” and now he’s suddenly “Dyne”. What would be better would be to go back and make him always be “Grandfather”. That way it’s full in Juliana’s POV, because she wouldn’t think of him as “the grandfather”, just “Grandfather”.
Lucian looked down and began to mumble to himself.
When you say that someone begins to do something, it makes it sound like he continues to do that thing for a long time. Like, a crazy person would begin to mumble to themselves, because they would carry on talking to themselves while you try and calm them down. Also really Lucian’s not mumbling to himself, he’s talking to Juliana. You could say instead, “Lucian looked down and mumbled something”. It makes more sense.
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Hi!
It’s easier to comment on POV in this chapter because more physically happened. It’s a lot better than in previous chapters, and the improvement really shows in your prose. ^_^ The pace is handled better as well, and overall, the storytelling is a lot smoother and stronger!
You still need to work on getting your dialogue right, and I’d like more description, especially of the dragons, because it seems like they’re a fundamental part of the story. It’s important that we get a good idea of them, physically, emotionally and mentally.
So overall, there’s been great improvement! PM or Wall me if I was unclear on anything, keep writing and post in my WRFF thread when there’s more to read!
-twit
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
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