Young Writers Society

Listen.

The good stuff:

1: A simple rhythm.
2. A good rhyme scheme- except for the first stanza.
3. A simple message that needs to be shared with the world!

The bad stuff:

1. Even though its a simple message, it isn't exactly clear all the way through.
2. Just a suggestion- perhaps some capital letters?

Good job with this exceptional piece of poetry!

Hi there, monolith! I don't think I have read any of your poems yet, but I'll start my review with this: I like the message of the poem, but I think that in some places, it could be a bit better expressed. Not that this is a bad poem—it is a very good work! I just have some adjustments I can suggest to improve it.

Cookie has already pointed out the spelling mistake in 'allways', but other than that, I can see no other spelling and grammar mistakes. I would not suggest that you specifically use capital letters—that is always the poet's own choice. There is no specific format, but keep in mind that the capitalisation should reflect the message of the poem. Your lowercase letters give the poem a more subdued tone, so if you want the climax to stand out more and give the poem a more positive feel, you may use capitals for every line or every new sentence, as you choose. It is all about the message that you want the poem to give across: gloom versus optimism, in this case.

I think that there is something a little off about your line length and rhyme scheme combined. You have a very strong, emphasising rhyme scheme, and then the short, highly varied line lengths, which makes reading this choppy and mechanical, and robs the poem of voice and expression. To give it more flow, you can merge lines and reduce the power of the rhymes, using half-rhymes, slant-rhymes, consonance etc. Consider internal rhymes, which often sound very powerful, but subtle.

In a total free verse poem like the one you have here, the readers want something to cling to, like an anaphora or something. Consider providing one to make the free verse more stable and viable, or dropping free verse altogether, because this poem is so powerful and needs a driving force with proper horsepower, which metre would so easily provide.

Also, you may need some more varied punctuation than you have at the moment, like dashes, semicolons and all that. Your entire word choice and punctuation is a bit wooden, so you may consider expanding and diversifying; I think it would give more expression to your poem.

I think that the first sentence of the last stanza needs to be isolated as it is, even if you do merge lines—it is such a beautiful emphasis that you have there. Your idea is so big, that it might need more inserted images, similes and dedicated words to fully express it—when I have read this, I feel as if there is still so much left to say, and there could have been so much more in this poem. Unless, of course, you want to keep it minimalistic.

The last stanza could be better expressed. The last two lines leave the readers looking over them again and again and wondering exactly what is going on, because the 'it's your will' part just doesn't make any sense, though that may just be me.

This is quite original, though the 'even when everything seems dark, there is still light' topic is over-used.

Overall, very good, but I want more out of this!

hi,
this is a good poem and i really enjoyed it!
I like the rhythm and found that the rhyme didn't sound forced.
The one thing i don't really like is the title i found that it didn't really go with the rest of the poem and the theme for me!
Another thing is the first stanza, it is just that although the rhythm is very nice it doesn't seem to work with the rest of it!

Good job though and it a really nice poem!

Narglesxx

Hey Monolith!

I liked the idea of the poem very much and I think you've done a great job with rhyming everything. I see you've taken this rhyming position > ABAB? Well, splendid job with that! ^^

Starting off with formatting, something I've got to say is that the capitalizing of a letter. Usually people capitalize every letter of a line, but here you've got none especially when there are comma's and full-stops. When you start a new stanza, I would recommend you to start the letter with a capital, but if the same line ends with a comma, do NOT start the next line with a capital. If the same line has a full-stop, start the next line with a capital. Its just like how you simply write.

The other things are, in the poem, some lines are too big, which I would request you to shorten them, if you can. It is always nice to have even number of lines and words in a poem!

Coming to the nitpicks:

"when hope is all but gone,
when life is all but done,
there is light,
there is struggle,
an endless fight."

Here, I saw the rhyming scheme wasn't correct for the first two lines. You've followed ABAB in the rest of the poem, but the first two were the normal rhyming scheme. It will be great if you follow one of the same kind so that poem sounds a tad more better.

I see there are 5 lines in this stanza and four in the rest. That means there's one extra line to this. So I guess you can remove the fourth line that is "there is struggle" since that is not rhyming with anything else! ^^


"you can allways repair."

Spelling mistake! "always" not "allways".


"for I will
forever be with you.
it's your will,
if you want to help me too"

The first two lines say you're supporting the person, but the next two lines say "help" which I don't think has any comparison with "support". So, that left me in confusion and lots of questions.

Overall: Good job! I think you've got really good talent and I must say, this is kind of a rare subject to write about. I'll be looking forward to more of your works! Rating this a 8 and a half/10.

Keep Writing ~

Cookie

I really like your poem it's so worth the read which my tired eyes can't really stand right now. The only thing I'm having a problem with is the last part when you say "if you want me to help too" unlike your other lines it doesn't keep the rhythm of the read. I'm not big on poetry terms but I really hope you understand what I'm saying! Have a good fantasible writing experience!