Chapter One
The entire house was clean and nothing was out of place. Not one spec of dust could be found on any of the furniture or pictures. A strong scent of pine sol hung in the air; it was particularly strong in and around the bathrooms. For the most part the old farm house was quiet. There was only the soft ticking of the old grandfather clock, until it suddenly chimed. 2:00pm. Right on time, like every other day, the front door opened.
A tall figure walked through, stooped over slightly. The man removed his hat to reveal that his hair was white as snow and that he was balding. Lines creased his face and masked the fact that he was only in his 70’s and not well into his 100’s. He set down the briefcase and then shuffled over to the kitchen counter. As the man was taking a glass from the cabinet to fill with water, there were footsteps from down the hall. When he turned around he saw his grandson standing on the opposite side of the counter.
“Shouldn’t you be in school, Valentin?” the older man questioned, continuing to fill up his glass. The young man shrugged and shook his jet black hair out of his sapphire eyes.
“I wasn’t feeling well,” he replied shortly. Valentin continued to watch his grandfather with suspicious eyes. “I heard noises again from the basement.” Valentin’s grandfather frowned.
“There’s nothing that I can do about that. I’ve searched everywhere for that damn key. Ask your grandmother when she comes home,” his grandfather replied. Valentin let out a frustrated sigh and stomped away from the kitchen.
****
From above Camilla heard faint voices and loud footsteps. It was normally like that; later on, a third voice would join them. However she couldn’t ever understand what was being said. She could only ever make out that there was a young man, an old man, and an old woman. One day she hoped to see the face of someone; even if it was the person responsible for her torture. All she craved was human contact. As she came out of her thoughts, she noticed that the voices above her had faded and all was silent.
Camilla slowly got up from the bed and hobbled to the stairs. With every movement she made her muscles screamed in protest. A tiny sliver of light was visible from under the door. Hesitantly she set one foot on the stairs. When no alarm sounded, she pressed forward until she reached the door. Though there was light, there was no movement. A tear slipped down her cheek, a feeling of despair settled in on her mind.
Footsteps came out of nowhere and a key scraped in the lock of the door. Camilla backed down a few steps preparing for the worst. The door opened ever so slightly, and she found herself staring into bright blue eyes. As the door opened wider, she saw the face of a young man with a very confused look on his face.
“Uh...who are you and why are you in my grandparent’s basement?” he asked.
Camilla had never heard anything so beautiful in her life. It was the first voice she had heard other than her own in a long time. It was soft and smooth yet there was a sharp and commanding edge to it.
“You didn’t put me here?” she croaked.
“Of course not. I barely leave the house and when I do it’s certainly not to find someone to store in the cellar,” the boy responded. “I’m Valentin by the way.”
“C-Camilla, but I go by Cami,” she replied. He reached out, his fingers brushing her cheek lightly.
“How long have you-” Valentin broke off suddenly and closed the door with a snap. The key scraped in the lock. Once again she was alone. She pressed her ear to the door, straining to hear what was being said. For a few moments there was only the sound of people moving around. Then she heard Valentin’s voice.
“How is your garden coming along, Grandma?” Valentin asked. Camilla heard a glass bowl being set down on the counter. The microwave was turned on and then his grandmother spoke.
“Much better than I had ever hoped. I’m not sure what is different. I’ve done everything like I normally do yet the flowers have really been flourishing these past two years,” she said.
“Is it a new fertilizer?” Valentin suggested.
“Maybe there is something new in the soil.”
The conversation never strayed from the garden. After a while, she grew tired of listening to talk of plants and retreated down the stairs, crawling back onto the bed. In sleep, she hoped to find answers to her many long unanswered questions.
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140,722 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
Hello there, just stopping by for a review.
) Let me get right to the point. The entire exchange felt wrong to me. First of all, thing about this for a minute: if you opened your basement door and saw a person, what would your first reaction be? I somehow doubt it would be how Valentin reacted 
Personally, I would probably scream and slam the door, but that's just me.
This is a very good start so far. I just want to say that I am definitely looking forward to seeing what's next! You've done an excellent job at being suspenseful. You do leave the reader with a lot of questions that (hopefully!) will be answered later on, and this is something that you have to focus on most when writing this type of fiction. If a person doesn't have any questions, they aren't going to want to continue reading. So in that aspect, good job! I am officially creeped out. xD
Now, personally, what I focus on most (and it will probably be evident through this review) is characterization and how each character interacts with one another. (Some have told me that I focus on this too much, but who knows?) That being said, first impressions of a character are crucial to understanding their personality.
For example, the first time we meet the old man, he is...walking through a door. Why? I actually was confused by this, because you introduce him in a way that really stands out as ominous and a bit creepy, and yet he is simply going to get a glass of water. And why at 2:00pm exactly? I could understand if he were on some type of schedule, but he didn't seem to be. And it didn't come up afterwards, so it seemed even less significant. My question is, are you planning on explaining what is really going on with this man, or was it important? Usually, for something like this, my philosophy is this: if you don't need it, get rid of it. Unless it comes up in a way that I don't know about yet (and who knows? This is only the first chapter right?), then it doesn't really need to be there.
This leads me to another question-- why is the grandfather introduced first when you focus on Valentin later? You take this time to make him seem important, and then you don't really mention him for the rest of this time. You may want to consider order of character introduction, because in something like this, it is very important.
Now, I think that the way Valentin came into the picture suited him. He's skipping school, you can immediately see the kind of person he is. HOWEVER. You need to play this up a little, in my opinion. You really only see the interaction between him and the grandfather for a couple seconds, and then he's already moved on. I love seeing tensions between characters, it builds interest!
“I wasn’t feeling well,” he replied shortly. Valentin continued to watch his grandfather with suspicious eyes. “I heard noises again from the basement.” Valentin’s grandfather frowned.
(sorry, can't remember how to quote things xD)
Anyway, this one little section has so much potential for improvement. You do have a good start, but it could be a lot better. So many people underestimate the effectiveness of a few seconds of silence, or maybe just one character watching another. Nothing's better than leaving words unsaid. Sometimes, this can be better than an intense argument. Just, play with this little section a bit, and see what you can do with it. People's true emotions can show through at the weirdest times, and this can be one of them, but you have to let it.
The last thing, because we haven't actually OFFICIALLY met the grandmother yet, I am going to talk about the interaction between Valentin and Cami. (I like the names, by the way!
Continuing on this idea, what would you do if you were in Cami's position? She thought that Valentin was the one that trapped her in there. Don't you think she would be wondering what terrible things he might have planned for her? (Unless she's managed to develop Stockholm's syndrome for someone she's never met...) My first instinct would be to hide from whoever opened the door. It definitely wouldn't be thinking about how beautiful his voice sounded.
By the way, two completely random questions that I didn't think of until now:
1. How old is Valentin? I honestly couldn't tell.
2. How long has Cami been in the basement?
On the topic of the second question, what you have is good, how the voices and listening to them have become routine to her, but this still doesn't give a good idea of exactly how long it's been. Unless you're planning to reveal it later, then it's perfectly fine.
All right, I know I've completely ripped this apart, but I really did like it. Trust me, I usually spend the most time on things that I find worth fixing. You do have a really great start here, and your story is a very interesting idea. Thanks for listening.
Keep writing! I hope to see what happens next soon!
~Devan
Pinky! A review for you! In this one, I'll focus on grammar and storytelling and less on the concept and plot since this is only the first chapter of your short story.
Foremost, a lot of short stories has chapters, but they're short ones like this. I wish that, if you've done all of them, you've posted them at one time so that we can get the whole idea of the piece being a short story, namely so because of the one straight plot it possesses. But anyways, that doesn't matter much, so I'll get on the real review.
Let's tackle the both grammar and storytelling/imagery at the same time! You've made a clean grammarly piece here. The word choice is okay, too, but there is very little imagery formed within the sentences. Remember that it is very important to exemplify imagery especially in pieces like this, so be sure to see what sentences are static and what sentences are vivid and imagination provokers. Here are a few tweaks which you need to know:
This phrase is very misleading. First, the word should be speck, not spec. Spec is used for computers and the like; specks are little dots or spots. Next, lingered is usually used in a positive sentence. It is usable, but words/phrases like present, exist and can be seen first more greatly. Changing the structure of the sentence can work better, though, as most of the suggested words are boring adjectives.
The prob here is the second phrase. If this is the continuation of the man's first action, the comma should be the conjunction 'and'. If this is a modifier for the tall figure, it should be in adjectival present form.
With all due respect, I think that most of the sentences are wordy. Wordy sentences are okay, some even great, but most sentences in this piece just stops the flow. The sentence above is a good example. The phrase 'to reveal that his hair' is very bothering. It means that he removed his hat to show that his hair is white. The be verb 'was' also added very little imagery to the scene the sentence wants to show. And the word 'that' had repeated itself a lot of times already. Simply saying 'The man removed his hat, revealing his snow white hair and his balding scalp' can be more understandable.
First, as a punctuation critique myself, the space between the period and 'The young man' should only be one. The word questioned is very queer. It seems more fit if he's trying to interrogate or interview. In here, the simple word 'asked' works wonders. Also, you needn't use 'continuing to fill up'! That doesn't only slow the flow and acts repetitively, but it also shows a weird scene (wherein the man stopped while talking then continued). A much better word is the simple 'filling up' showing a more logical scene wherein the man fills the glass. Also, the paragraph where this sentence belongs lacks imagery; it's hard to imagine with only a few basis and descriptions! try to see this and look at what holds imagery back.
I think I would stop here, dear, because the stuff I said above applied to the WHOLE piece. I state them as general for the piece because you've repeated those tweaks a few times in the piece. The plot is really going good, just remember to choose the right words and use the best sentence structures to make it better. I believe this piece will be better as you reread and proof it.
Good luck rewriting it
Your pal,
Al
Thanks for the grammar help! I really appreciate it!