z

Young Writers Society



inspector woolsome adventures chapter 4

by sockmonkey


A portly doughnut maker with a grease-stained shirt smiled and waved his large hand as Inspector Woolsome approached him.



Excuse me do you know where Garrison Lane is” he asked the doughnut maker.

Why yes, it's right around the corner. And may I ask you, in turn. Is it time to buy a doughnut?”

OK. I'll have a glazed jelly doughnut.”

OK. That will be 50 cents.”

Inspector Woolsome grabbed the doughnut and dropped two quarters in the doughnut maker's large palm. As he walked away he heard the donut maker mutter "what is this it looks like a piece of a boot and a torn sock". Interesting thought Woolsome interesting indeed.

After 5 more minutes of walking, Inspector Woolsome arrived at the house where Jenny Kessler was killed. There was a constable with Smith and Wesson. “Oh, Inspector Woolsome. You've come.” said the man nervously. And he held the door open. Inspector Woolsome took a soft stride over the blood-stained floor. He looked around and spotted Deputy Harris.

Good day, Mr. Harris. I must tell you.” stated Inspector Woolsome. “Well, yes, the weather is nice, if that's what you mean. But right now, things aren't looking well. That's for sure.”

Well. I know that but...”he paused for a second. “Let's proceed with the investigation. Have you obtained the bullet?”

Yes, Mr. Woolsome.” replied Deputy Harris, handing Inspector Woolsome a tiny glass case with a blunt bullet in it. “Well from the looks of it that bullet is from a revolver and as we know revolvers are short range. So I estimate that it was shot from no more than 30 feet away because the corpse is indoors. And if that's true it would have most likely been shot when the killer first stepped in because the body A portly doughnut maker with a grease-stained shirt smiled and waved his large hand as Inspector Woolsome approached him.

was found at the door. Inspector Woolsome prodded up the creaky stairway with deputy Harris at his side and pulled out his magnifying glass. The killer wouldn't have been up here so the foot prints are Jenny Kessler's. With that we now know the difference between Jenny Kessler and the killers' foot prints. Inspector Woolsome took a long look at Jenny's foot prints then skipped back downstairs. was found at the door. Inspector Woolsome prodded up the creaky stairway with deputy Harris at his side and pulled out his magnifying glass. The killer wouldn't have been up here so the foot prints are Jenny Kessler's. With that we now know the difference between Jenny Kessler and the killers' foot prints. Inspector Woolsome took a long look at Jenny's foot prints then skipped back downstairs.





















When suddenly, it hit him as hard as a rock. “The killer's footprints. I've seen those before. Once he thought back to a time when the science museum curator had talked the hunting supply store manager into them using his footprint for an educational study. Inspector Woolsome said to Deputy Harris, “By any chance, do you have a Polaroid camera on you?”

Why yes, I do.” said Deputy Harris, handing Inspector Woolsome a Polaroid camera that was slung across his back. Inspector Woolsome took a Polaroid of the killer's footprints and ran out of the house. As he ran, he bit into his donut, crumbs falling across his face.

After two near-collisions with fruit peddlers, he burst through the door, gasping for breath at Mr. Bernard's Hunting Surplus Store. ...and standing in front of him was a bony, gaunt man with leather gloves and a suspiciously-shaped bulge in his pants pocket. Inspector Woolsome yelled out, “Do you feel familiar with the following Polaroid, may I ask you?” and he held out the picture of the killer's footprints.

Umm, no, I do not.” he said nervously.

Right. Then how come they match these footprints?” and he grabbed from the wall Mr. Bernard's footprints from the science museum.

Oh, this?” Mr. Bernard said, grabbing the footprints. He babbled nervously, setting them down on the table, when suddenly his elbow bumped against his coffee mug and the coffee spilt all over the footprint, from the science museum, making it impossible to see.

Oh, darn...oh, uh, sorry...dang it. Mm, I'm so c-c-clumsy in my old age.”

Yeah, right...” Inspector Woolsome muttered under his breath.The inspector kicked the door open and walked out.He pulled out a cigarette and lit it with his ashen black lighter.







I still can't believe it...A killer has been under our noses for quite some time now, and we didn't know.”

Honey, please try to relax—you're not at work now.” she whispered quietly in response. They were at the Eat In and Out Diner, like every week. On the night when couples came there to dance to the jukebox. He spun around the checkered tiling while Inspector Woolsome argued. The footprints match, I'm sure of it!” he argued.


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Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:42 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there, here to review, unasked for but hopefully not unwanted! xD

Firstly, while you did explain why the font is so messed up, it's still very confusing. I had to copy/paste into Microsoft Word and enlarge it to make much sense of it (that may also be because I wear glasses). Plus, the space between the first and second part is ridiculous. Or was that another mistake?

Anyways, on with the review!


There are some mistakes in dialogue, nit-picks really, but I felt they were worth pointing out, if only for the sake of this piece of work.

“Excuse me do you know where Garrison Lane is” he asked the doughnut maker.


To make thins slower - and somewhat smoother - try inserting a comma after 'Excuse me'. A comma is also required after the 'is'.

Moving on:

“Why yes, it's right around the corner. And may I ask you, in turn. Is it time to buy a doughnut?”


This sentence is a wee bit stilted. Grammatically, however, two points would be better instead of the period, and therefore the capital 'I' would not be required.

“OK. I'll have a glazed jelly doughnut.”

“OK. That will be 50 cents.”


I don't really know how... erm... 'professional' using 'OK' is in a piece of work that might eventually be published. Still, this is just me. Don't mind my inner nazi.

Inspector Woolsome grabbed the doughnut and dropped two quarters in the doughnut maker's large palm. As he walked away he heard the donut maker mutter "what is this it looks like a piece of a boot and a torn sock". Interesting thought Woolsome interesting indeed.


I apologize... but I found that highly confusing. Firstly, there should be several commas, a few examples: after the first 'and' is one, and several are begging to be inserted after the first 'interesting' and after the second 'Woolsome', although a period also works just as well. Secondly, there should be a new line when speaking (although in this case I'm not entirely sure).

“Good day, Mr. Harris. I must tell you.” stated Inspector Woolsome. “Well, yes, the weather is nice, if that's what you mean. But right now, things aren't looking well. That's for sure.”


This is also confusing. Apart from the comma that is required instead of the period, he seems to be leading a brief conversation with himself. Possibly another comma could be placed after the second 'well' instead of a period.

{on a side note, although you don't specify the exact age period this takes place in, it seems that it's not exactly modern, as the Inspector walks over the floor (which I note isn't covered with the usual 'crime scene - do not cross' barrier thingies), which might mess up DNA samples.}

One other nit-pick, revolvers have a range of 50-60 meters. The higher caliber ones can shoot up to 100, although their effective range, apparently, is still 50-60. /just saying.

In the last last bit, there's a very sudden skip to the Inspector - at least, I assume so - with his wife, in his home. That was a bit jarring.

Overall, this chapter lacked a lot of description (there was virtually none, zero, zilch). You also refer to the Inspector as 'Inspector Woolsome', and never actually use substitute words.

Keep working on what I've said, this piece is a 'diamond in the rough'.

Hope this helped,
~Ita




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Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:00 pm
sockmonkey says...



sorry about the font you see I originally wrote this on paper when I was in 4th grade then I put it on open office in 5th grade,And I am now copying it off my open office version which ha pictures in it so there are large spaces and font differences which I don't' know how to fix.




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Sat Jun 16, 2012 5:12 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! Back for another review!

Okay, as I said in my previous review, please keep the text size standard and you have several strange spaces that you should delete before posting.

Look at this:

When suddenly, it hit him as hard as a rock. “The killer's footprints. I've seen those before. Once he thought back to a time when the science museum curator had talked the hunting supply store manager into going with a lot of children. And he showed him his footprint for some educational study. Inspector Woolsome said to Deputy Harris, “By any chance, do you have a Polaroid camera on you?”

“Why yes, I do.” said Deputy Harris, handing Inspector Woolsome a Polaroid camera that was slung across his back. Inspector Woolsome took a Polaroid of the killer's footprints and ran out of the house. As he ran, he bit into his donut, crumbs falling across his face.


Those paragraphs are confusing. I would consider chopping them up differently, because it is hard to see where the recollection stops and where reality begins again. I'll just shuffle them and correct a few grammar mistakes. Look at this:

Suddenly, it hit him as hard as a rock. “The killer's footprints. I've seen those before." He thought back to a time when the science museum curator had talked the hunting supply store manager into going with a lot of children. And he showed him his footprint for some educational study.

Inspector Woolsome said to Deputy Harris, “By any chance, do you have a Polaroid camera on you?”
“Why yes, I do,” said Deputy Harris, handing Inspector Woolsome a Polaroid camera that was slung across his back. Inspector Woolsome took a Polaroid of the killer's footprints and ran out of the house. As he ran, he bit into his doughnut, crumbs falling across his face.

Still, the recollection contains too many minor characters, and then you have 'he's that could refer to anyone. And why would a science museum take a footprint? Why did the curator want a hunting supply store manager to accompany the children? And where did the Inspector himself come into the picture? Clarify it!

You also have this plot moving very fast without stopping to tell the readers exactly what is going on! Give some descriptions!

Keep it flowing :)




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Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:44 pm
MiRaCLeS wrote a review...



Hi!

Now, I haven't read the previous chapters, so I'm going to review this chapter all by itself.

The first thing that I noticed was that the dialogue sounds a bit stiff and unrealistic.

“Why yes, it's right around the corner. And may I ask you, in turn. Is it time to buy a doughnut?”
“OK. I'll have a glazed jelly doughnut.”
“OK. That will be 50 cents.”

Now, I'm not sure if you've done that to give it the whole film noir detective effect or something else. But, it came across as really jarring for me. So maybe try to reword it a bit so that it sounds a bit more smooth and realistic.

I do really like the whole Sherlock-like deduction that was happening in the story with the gun and footprints thing. Good job on that. :)

Another thing I'd like to point out is this:
“Well from the looks of it that bullet is from a revolver and as we know revolvers are short range. So I estimate that it was shot from no more than 210 feet away. And if that's true it would have most likely been shot when the killer first stepped in because the body was found at the door. Inspector Woolsome prodded up the creaky stairway with deputy Harris at his side and pulled out his magnifying glass. The killer wouldn't have been up here so the foot prints are Jenny Kessler's. With that we now know the difference between Jenny Kessler and the killers' foot prints. Inspector Woolsome took a long look at Jenny's foot prints then skipped back downstairs.

Some speech marks seems to be missing here and it got really confusing for me, especially considering how it's such a huge and chunky paragrph. Put a speech mark on where Inspector Woolsome stops talking and talking again (I'm assuming that he was talking about the foot print thing, although I guess it could be him thinking to himself. See, this is why you need speech marks and punctuation! :)) and you'll be set.

There seems to be something wrong with the formatting of the second bit and unfortunately my sight isn't too good and so I can't make out any of it. So I'm afraid I can't comment on that.

But what I have read so far seems to be good. I really do like the style of the writing here and the feel and atmosphere that you have created here. So, well done for that! :)




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