Hey there, here to review, unasked for but hopefully not unwanted! xD
Firstly, while you did explain why the font is so messed up, it's still very confusing. I had to copy/paste into Microsoft Word and enlarge it to make much sense of it (that may also be because I wear glasses). Plus, the space between the first and second part is ridiculous. Or was that another mistake?
Anyways, on with the review!
There are some mistakes in dialogue, nit-picks really, but I felt they were worth pointing out, if only for the sake of this piece of work.
“Excuse me do you know where Garrison Lane is” he asked the doughnut maker.
To make thins slower - and somewhat smoother - try inserting a comma after 'Excuse me'. A comma is also required after the 'is'.
Moving on:
“Why yes, it's right around the corner. And may I ask you, in turn. Is it time to buy a doughnut?”
This sentence is a wee bit stilted. Grammatically, however, two points would be better instead of the period, and therefore the capital 'I' would not be required.
“OK. I'll have a glazed jelly doughnut.”
“OK. That will be 50 cents.”
I don't really know how... erm... 'professional' using 'OK' is in a piece of work that might eventually be published. Still, this is just me. Don't mind my inner nazi.
Inspector Woolsome grabbed the doughnut and dropped two quarters in the doughnut maker's large palm. As he walked away he heard the donut maker mutter "what is this it looks like a piece of a boot and a torn sock". Interesting thought Woolsome interesting indeed.
I apologize... but I found that highly confusing. Firstly, there should be several commas, a few examples: after the first 'and' is one, and several are begging to be inserted after the first 'interesting' and after the second 'Woolsome', although a period also works just as well. Secondly, there should be a new line when speaking (although in this case I'm not entirely sure).
“Good day, Mr. Harris. I must tell you.” stated Inspector Woolsome. “Well, yes, the weather is nice, if that's what you mean. But right now, things aren't looking well. That's for sure.”
This is also confusing. Apart from the comma that is required instead of the period, he seems to be leading a brief conversation with himself. Possibly another comma could be placed after the second 'well' instead of a period.
{on a side note, although you don't specify the exact age period this takes place in, it seems that it's not exactly modern, as the Inspector walks over the floor (which I note isn't covered with the usual 'crime scene - do not cross' barrier thingies), which might mess up DNA samples.}
One other nit-pick, revolvers have a range of 50-60 meters. The higher caliber ones can shoot up to 100, although their effective range, apparently, is still 50-60. /just saying.
In the last last bit, there's a very sudden skip to the Inspector - at least, I assume so - with his wife, in his home. That was a bit jarring.
Overall, this chapter lacked a lot of description (there was virtually none, zero, zilch). You also refer to the Inspector as 'Inspector Woolsome', and never actually use substitute words.
Keep working on what I've said, this piece is a 'diamond in the rough'.
Hope this helped,
~Ita
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Reviews: 289
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