inspector woolsome adventures chapter 3

Hi there! Please read my reviews on your last two chapters—they might help with the grammatical aspect of this piece.

I think that the 3 you put in, was a paragraph too late. In any case, each time you switch scenes, give us some better indication. This is hard enough to understand without having to figure out exactly where we are in the story. A good way to show a switch to a different scene would be something like this:

[First scene]
***

[Second scene]

Remember to check for spelling: trench coat should be two words right through; FBI should be in caps all through.

Please make a clear distinction between the different characters! Just calling someone fat or thin says very little—anyone could be fat, or wear glasses, or have grey hair and look tired. You have clogged the story with so many minor characters in a very short space of time, so at least make sure we remember them properly! Give highly distinguishing features: a ponytail, curled mustachio, twitching eye. You can also use dynamic features, like a limp, or a trembling hand. Don't stick to looks alone—show us mannerisms.

Beware of repeating words—look at this:
Inspector Woolsome WALKED along the cracked streets toward a BIG BRICK BUILDING. A piece of crumpled-up paper blew past his feet. He kept WALKING until he came to a LARGE BRICK BUILDING.
You can delete one of those repetitions. Here is another:
As he took large steps across the street, he kept THINKING. “Who is doing this, and why?” he THOUGHT.

You have Inspector Woolsome at an FBI office? I think the FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation—they work with national security, whereas police work with general crimes such as homicides. I also think that the FBI would take better care of their premises—they certainly seem to have the funding. Oh, and private detectives average $47 000 per year, so your figure is highly unlikely. Research your topics properly before writing. It is also more likely that the inspector would be called to the scene of the crime. He would then analyse it and figure things out from there.

Develop Woolsome's character! Is he young? Is he handsome? Is he shy or confident? Does he like dogs or have a morbid fear of pianos? And when is this taking place? Modern America? 1900? Tell us more! There is currently too little detail in these chapters—if you were building a human, the plot outline would be the skeleton, this includes internal organs, but you want to have at least nerves and muscles going!

Keep it flowing!

“Yep, we sure have,” said a deep, masculine voice. Out walked a pack of men clad in brown trench coats and bowler hats. The man with the gruff voice said again, “Bones! We haven't seen you in a long time. Buffy, here, was fretting that you'd been caught by the Feds. (Don’t forget to end the speech marks.)
( A new paragraph is needed whenever someone new speaks.) A fat man with a tinsel-ornamented cigar stepped out and spoke in an ominous Italian accent: “Did you get her out of the way?”
(New paragraph) The thin man responded, “I sure have. Ginny's dead—that puts us down to Fiona, Sarah, Michael, and Lena. Lena Woolsome.”
Inspector Woolsome walked along the cracked streets toward a big brick building. A piece of crumpled-up paper blew past his feet. He kept walking until he came to a large brick building. He opened the door, and it made a creaking, moaning noise. He trotted across the shaggy red carpet until he came to a desk with an old woman wearing bifocals and holding a notepad.
“I'm here for Commissioner Morris.” spoke (I would change this to said) Inspector Woolsome in a deep voice.
“Yes, he will be right with you.” croaked the old woman in bifocals.
“All right.” Inspector Woolsome bent down and sat on a nearby velvet chair with holes in it and yellow stuffing leaking out. He reached across to the battered oak table and pulled a breath mint out of a cracked glass bowl. The ceiling fan slowly whirled back and forth, blowing small gusts of air in his face. TICK. TOCK. TICK. TOCK. (You don’t need to use capital letters here. Try using italics for a more subtle effect.) The clock ever so slowly inched a second forward. He chewed on the spicy breath mint slowly.
(New paragraph again.) Finally, the old woman in bifocals spoke in her creaky voice, “You may see Commissioner Woolsome now, sir.”
“All right. I'm coming.” He rose from the tattered velvet chair and averted his eyes to the stairs. He trotted across the shag carpet and stomped up the wooden stairs that made moans and creaks when he placed his foot down on them. He grasped the bronze doorknob and ever so slowly opened it. The police commissioner, Martin Morris, looked rather grave today, and his graying hair seemed to cast a dark shadow on his strained eyes, fatigue echoing in his face.
“We got 'im, boss.” said a gruff voice. A well-fit (well fit? I’m not sure what you mean by this description) looking man in a well-lit room with candles said to a fat man smoking a cigar. The fat man was sitting at a rectangular table with the rest of his gang, and a towering Russian godfather with two rowdy goons behind him.
3
“Aaaahhh, very good work, Buffy.” the fat man said.
“What is the meaning of this?!” bellowed the Russian man. “This here is Michael. Michael is the man who knows where our gang is located, and could rat on us at any time to the police, (comma goes here)”said Buffy. (Speech marks were the wrong way and you needed a capital letter.) “We gonna ice all the buggers who have walked in on us or know stuff about us, (comma)”explained the fat man. (Speech marks were the wrong way and you needed a capital letter.) “After the FBI (Needs to be capitalised) crackdown I’ve < (Capital I and apostrophe) noticed how much this stuff happens” he leered at Michael.( Full stop and new speech marks) “Little bird told me you’re (this is the correct spelling) a squealer, you gonna squeal little piggy? (Question mark)” he joked.
(New paragraph) “I swear I won't,” said a ginger-haired young man with his hands held behind his back”. As he spoke, a fleck of blood went down his mouth. The fat man smoking a cigar took a faint sip of his red wine, then raised his pistol. A loud bang screamed throughout the vicinity. Then Buffy dragged the stumbling, bloody man out the door, and he dropped to the ground.
Meanwhile, at the Chicago FBI office, Inspector Woolsome took a small step toward the grim-faced Commissioner Morris. “You called me this fine morning, I believe” Inspector Woolsome inquired softly.
“I believe you've heard of the one who's known as the Trenchcoat Murderer?”
“Yes, I have, Sir.” Inspector Woolsome answered slowly. “The one who killed Jenny Kessler?”
“Well.” There was a pause. “Well I want you to catch him. I will reward you with $100,000.” (It’s the same person speaking so this doesn’t need splitting)
“I'll try my best, Sir.” Inspector Woolsome responded.
“How am I going to do this?” thought Inspector Woolsome, as he walked down the steps and out the door.
“Well—first of all, I should go to the place where Jenny Kessler was.”1392 Garrison Lane. As he took large steps across the street, he kept thinking. “Who is doing this, and why?” he thought.


Okay, aside from the punctuation and spelling errors you have a very complex story. It’s a bit too fast paced, and makes the reader wonder what is going on. I had to reread bits of it three or four times and I’m still uncertain. Try reading it again and thinking exactly what you’re trying to tell the reader. If necessary, use *** in between scene changes to make them more clear. PM me if you have any questions.