Young Writers Society

Like the others, I say more description.
This is incorrect:
"While I was in my mess of a room, playing on my laptop, when I heard…”

It should be:
“I was in my mess of a room, playing on my laptop, when I heard”
or
“As I was in my mess of a room, playing on my laptop, I heard…”

I also think greater description of the chicken is necessary.

The storyline is nice though.

Hey, soccer55,
I've got to admit, I was waiting for what's next! I mean, it left me sort of hanging there! hmmmm...... Here are the things I think you should change:
"When I finally got home and entered the kitchen where my mom was waiting for me with freshly baked cookies." Do you see what's wrong here? So, you have the subject, I, and so just take out "where my mom was waiting for me with freshly baked cookies." Now read what it says:
"When i finally got home and entered the kitchen". That's a sentence fragment, and needs an action. You need to be able to see what he's doing. Here are some possibilities.
"When I finally got home and entered the kitchen, where my mom was waiting for me with freshly baked cookies, I went immediately to her....."
Or
"I finally got home and entered the kitchen where my mom was waiting for me with freshly baked cookies."
If you notice, this example I took out the When. So the subject is I, and there's an action, which is entered.

So, that's one correction. (Not meaning to be nit-picky).

Second correction:
It's not technically a 'correction' but a suggestion. Maybe you could show how big the chicken is. When I hear that it vacuumed you, I feel like it's a giant chicken. But then, inside, it says you're mini. Maybe you could specify if it's big or small.
Overall, this is very interesting, and I would love to hear the rest of the story.

Great job!
9/10 (Just because of that teeny tiny error of a sentence fragment)
KRose

Hi there, soccer! Welcome to YWS!

Spelling and grammar:

'Out of nowhere'. Nowhere is one word.

'When I finally got home I told my mom what had happened, her face looked like a tomato!' This sentence is not constructed correctly. Try something like this:
'When I finally got home and told my mom what had happened, her face looked like a tomato!'

Irish is spelt with a capital letter.

'"You're GROUNDED for lying!!!" She yelled in my ear.'
This is incorrect direct speech. The 'she' must be de-capitalised. Then you might also want to start the next direct speech on a new line.

Your next paragraph needs some commas to separate the different sections of the sentences, like this:
'While I was in my room, playing on my laptop, I heard a clucking sound from behind me.'

'their' should be 'there', in 'there was a robot chicken'.

The word 'robot chicken' should, very technically, be 'robotic chicken'. But you can decide for yourself which one you want to use.

The use of the slash (/) is not recommended. Rather write it out fully.

Overall you used too many exclamation marks. Some writers compare exclamation marks to laughing at you own joke, and, though that is rather extreme, it is not wise to put them at the end of every funny sentence. A quiet full stop often has a more ironic effect. And only one is necessary when people are shouting, even if it is loud.

You also need more commas spacing out the sections of the sentences.

Content:

This is going much too fast! As Vyper said, you need to add more detail and description and slow the pace a bit. At this stage, we don't even know if the narrator is a male or a female.

Overall:

You have an absolutely hilarious idea here, but you need to expand it to make it successful. I enjoyed reading something so light and absurd!

I'm not sure how to review this but i must say, at the very least, it made me laugh:)

When I finally got home I told my mom what had happened, herface looked like a tomato! "You're GROUNDED!!!" She yelled in my ear. " She never believes me!" I grumbled on my way up the stairs.
I thought that part was a tiny bit confusing with the text in the story.

Also:

herface looked like a tomato! Well sorry to be picky but um herface is two words!

I thought it was a good story but kind of confusing at times, but I enjoyed it all the same!

Dear Soccer,

I think you have an interesting storyline, though you didn't include very much detail. You didn't mention why or how the sidewalk turned purple, or what happened after the robotic chicken abducted you.

Also, I think you meant 'logical thing' instead of 'logic', in your second line.

Your story moved too quickly too. You went from walking home from school to dancing to being grounded to being kidnapped, all in a single paragraph. Maybe try slowing down the pace, and giving each happening more attention. Such as, you could describe the funny shade of red your mother's face turned as she was shouting at you for lying; and how you sulked up the stairs to your room, grumbling all the while about how your mother never listened to you.

You could also try adding how you were abducted. Did the robotic chicken warp through some strange alien contraption, and suddenly materialize on your rug, or did it fly through your window? Or did it bust your door down? Did you go with it willingly, because you were angry with your mother? Or did it have to disable you?

You've got a good start, you just need to add more description to your story, to give it a little substance.

Hope it helps,

Shadow