Broccoli

Hello and welcome to YWS! This is a cute and funny poem, nice work, though I do have a few tips on what you might do to make it even better:

Title: This gives the secret away! It might be more funny to start this out as though it really is something harmful, like poison or something. Then when the reader discovers it's just broccoli, they'll be even more amused.

Growing on a plant
That’s nurtured on a farm
I feel sorry for the farmer because
It will do me harm!

My heart beats faster
As it’s placed upon my palm
Glaring at my Mum I yell
“IT WILL DO ME HARM!

So next time you’re wondering
What I’d like for tea
Just give me some chocolate
It’s better than broccoli

Firepen,

Aw Give broccoli a chance! Great job with this piece, Firepen! ^^ The repeated "It will do me harm" line at the end of every stanza was a nice touch. Usually I'm picky with repeated lines like that, but I actually thought it served the poem well.

I have one big, big, problem with this and that was the title of the piece. ;D The whole poem becomes a bit anti-climatic when you know even before reading the first line what the poem is about. My suggestion is to change the title to something else, maybe even something clever like Lachanophobia (fear of vegetables) or Green Hater or anything! Be creative! That way, we get little clues as we continue reading and when we get to the broccoli at the end, it might even serve as a nice surprise.

After all, broccoli doesn't really do anyone harm. It's delicious if you cook it right! xD So then. Kudos, by the way on maintaining the flow/rhyme scheme. I thought the rhyming was pretty seamless and while there were some lines that could probably use a bit of cutting/polishing, it wasn't at all distracting from the overall enjoyment of the poem.

All in all, I'd say great job! Let me know if you ever write another poem, I'd love to read it. You seem to have a natural hand at having fun/playing with words and it's contagious. Keep writing!

~ as always, Audy

Hi there! I hope you have been enjoying YWS! It does seem like it, judging by this

Spelling and grammar:

NOTHING! Yes, nothing! Very well done, firepen!

Poeticism:

Okay, you decided to go for the accentual verse style, because there is no limit to your amount of syllables, but there is clearly a beat, though you sometimes struggle to successfully maintain it.

Your first stanza is perfect as is, but then your metre runs a bit wild in places. Taking into account that this a like an uninterrupted rant and it needs flow and speed, here are my thoughts:

The distressing green colour
Dispels any calm
Because everyone knows
THAT it will do me harm!

COMES FROM a plant
That is GROWN on a farm
I'M sorry for the farmer BUT
It will do me harm!

My heart beat GETS faster
As it’s placed ON my palm
Glaring at my Mum I yell
“IT WILL DO ME HARM!

“Call the food police
Raise the alarm
It might be contagious
It will do me harm!”

So next time YOU WONDER
What I’d like for tea
Just give me some chocolate
AND NOT broccoli

Those in caps I just edited to better the flow, but you can do your own thing. The line with "Glaring at my Mum I yell" doesn't work at all, but to get it to work you would have to change it entirely, and that is up to you. I'll show you what's wrong:

GLARing at my MUM I yell
It WILL do me HARM

I just capitalised the beats. You have too many small ones between the beats—two ought to be the max. In this case you have to pronouns 'I yell' as one syllable, and still squish in the 'it' after that, somehow. Too much.

Of course, you have a few half-rhymes in the stanzas, which I would like to see replaced with full rhymes, but they still work—the difference is so subtle that it is hardly noticeable.

Word choice:

Perfect. Feel free to add in a couple of colloquialisms or a bit of slang, if you like. But it is fine just as it is.

Originality:

This is wonderful. Really. I have heard several poems on veggies, but it never gets old. This childish tone is so refreshing and genuinely witty, I cannot tire of it.

Overall:

Thoroughly enjoyable and very funny, but it needs a touch of rhythm-work.

This poem is hilarious! You did really good. the only thing i would fix is the fourth stanza because it doesn't match the pattern. (palm doesn't rhyme with harm) But overall I like this poem!

Hey Firepen!

I loved this poem! Seriously, even I hate Broccoli. I just hate it and wouldn't DARE to touch it. :S But anyway, in this poem you didn't lack anywhere and I loved the repetition of "It will do me harm!".

First we'll talk about the writing of the poem (i.e; formatting). I want to tell you that, you really don't need to start every line with a capital as long as its a new stanza. Its just a basic thing in poems. I know in textbooks and all, its like that but basically poems are not every time written in capitals when you start a fresh new line.

Second, let's move on to the nitpicks. This stanza:

"So next time you’re wondering
What I’d like for tea
Just give me some chocolate
It’s better than broccoli"

This was the only stanza that didn't end with a "It will do me harm!" and to tell you the truth, that was kind of disturbing since you've been reading repetition all along and all of a sudden it doesn't end with the same kind of repetition. Its kind of exciting when the whole poem's repeating and everything.

"So:
Don’t call the food police
Don’t raise the alarm
Chocolate isn’t contagious
It won’t do me harm!"

"Food police"? THAT was funny. It knocked the whole out of me. I know its a kiddish talk but I kind of like it. Also, you didn't put this stanza in quotations in the first. And here, you're again talking about "It won't do me any harm!" which I kind of didn't like but its okay.

Something I found confusing is the comparison between chocolate and broccoli. The thing is chocolate is candy and obviously candy cannot be ignored by anyone unless they're diabetic. But broccoli is vegetable. That's what's confusing. You must have compared it to a vegetable or something.

And for one word lines:

1. "Glaring at my Mum I yell"

There must be a comma (,) after "Mum".

2. "The distressing green colour"

I don't think you can say "distressing green colour". You could use "depressing" or "upsetting" to replace "distressing".

Overall: Splendid work, I must say! I loved the idea of writing about a broccoli. Just somethings you need to improve which next time, surely you'll do it! ^^ 'll be looking forward to more of your works! Rating this a 8 and a half/ 10. Good job!

Keep Writing ~

Cookie

Hi firepen, I'm Day and I'm here to review your poem!

I absolutely loved this! This isn't deep, complicated or cryptic like a lot of stuff I've seen around. It's the complete opposite: light, humorous, and not freeverse. Freeverse is my preferred way or writing poems, but it does get tiring after a while.

One reads something like this and it's just so awesome because it doesn't have any hidden meanings, it isn't long and winding and deeply meaningful like a lot of other poems (not saying that's a bad thing). It's something that'll make you laugh instead of cry, and that is something we desperately need in poetry, because there are too many poems that are filled to the brim with all sorts of figures of speech and double-entendrés (did I spell it right?) and have poetic subjects. What we really need are funny, entertaining and light-hearted poems that are suitable especially for children; poems like the one I'm reviewing right now.

Firepen, I applaud you for achieving what I never could so far: writing a light-hearted poem with a proper rhyming scheme and flow. I really don't see how anyone could not like this. It's entertaining, rhyming, funny, brief, (did I mention rhyming?), and a lot of other things.

The thing about rhyming is that it's so hard to find rhyming words, get the flow right, and make sure your poem still somewhat makes sense, all at the same time. I know I've never been able to do it properly. Which is why I tip my hat to you.

Overall, this is a good read. I feel like I'm repeating this too much, but I love that it has a light and amusing tone. And it is indeed true (to me) that chocolate is a much better snack than broccoli.

I hope this review helped you and didn't just give you a big head. Keep writing!

-Day