Young Writers Society

This is a very good. I think that this poem does not need any scenes as many of the poems require. This poem is about a geisha like how she is and stuff. Here after reading the poem I could feel how she feels and what emotions she hides and how she tolerates everything. She entertain every one when inside she is carrying a battered bleeding heart. Anyway, now on to the poem. Everything is well maintained in your poem. You managed to maintain a good 4-4-4 pattern and punctuated it very well. However you might want to see the length of your lines and re-size some of them to create a smooth flow. It is a very good poem actually and the focus on the subject of the poem remains throughout the poem. Good Work! Well done and keep writing.

Pandorax,

A wonderful subject matter for a poem! But I'm a bit disappointed :c

This poem is filled with statements, but where are the scenes? I'd much rather be there with the Geisha than hear line by line about the Geisha. I could just look up all this information on Wikipedia, after all.

What poetry does, is it expresses an experience. Note the difference between:

"She only lives for art."

and

"Ivory paint weighs heavy
upon her caked skin,
as she inhales the lead,
it stains her future."

Note the first is simply a statement. The latter is a scene. I can see the paint. I can feel it, I can smell paint-fumes. Instead of telling me outright her life is art, you get the sense of it through figurative language and sensory detail. Use these to your advantage and be creative with it. Have fun with it! The more you practice, the better you become. And above all, read some poetry! You'll be surprised at the different styles and techniques that are out there.

Also keep in mind that poetry is a medium that is often read aloud. There are a lot of jarring words in here that can be a bit of a mouthful. You have some short lines in some places, and longer lines in others -- and if I were perfectly honest, some of these lines are a mouthful. Especially the first line. You always want to maintain a sense of rhythm and meter throughout the poem.

That being said, I really do like this idea of a simple mask hiding a complicated lifestyle. This is something that the poem should try to mirror in form, I think, to get the optimal experience. Just a suggestion. This poem has a lot of potential and works like a draft should! I would love to see this idea expanded.

Let me know if you have any questions, and as always, keep writing!

~ as always, Audy

Hello there!

Spelling and grammar:
"fulfill" should be spelt "fulfil". Otherwise, nothing wrong.

Poeticism:

Again, very little to recommend itself. You are just telling us everything about the geisha without allowing the readers to engage with her. Look at this:

"Just a simple pluck of her instrument will impress."

This is not only a lie, as it is hard to play an instrument impressively, but it is also just a bland statement. Show, don't tell! Let the verse soak into the readers' skin and become absorbed by them.

You also have one or two random rhymes that really don't fit in. Don't do that—rhymes are special—they place lots of emphasis on words, so don't use them without lots of thought first.

In this poem, like The Nature of Existence, you focus a lot of lines on a single idea, finally exhausting it completely. Keep it moving! Distill your poetry even more!

I do complement you on the last line of the first stanza, though. Very good.

Word choice:

Classy, but simple. Very good word choice.

Imagery:

Needs more work! Don't tell us that she wears beautiful garments, describe an element of the fabric, the soft folds in the silk! The geisha culture is steeped in symbolism: every detail of a geisha's dress means something else, so your poem should reflect that in minute insights.

Originality:

The topic is very good! Inspiring and not clichéd. But many of your lines are unoriginal and need more vibrancy. You have the basic idea, though, and the geisha is a very good base to build on—you can do so much with it!

Overall:

This has the potential to be fantastic! It needs some work—as that liver-poison advert says, "Triple-distilled, twice as smooth."

Hi there I am here to review your piece. I am 567ajt. I see you are new to YWS, so may I bid you welcome.

Simplicity is shown through her mask of emotions,
But her life is so complex.
She is alluring, the complete epitome, in all aspects of art and beauty.
Her perfection is not vexed.

Her art resonates through generations upon generations.
The culture is immortal and timeless.
She touches the hearts of the ones she preforms for,
Just a simple pluck of her instrument will impress.

The mask worn by her hides away true emotions.
She is expected to hide even love.
Trapped, she may feel, under her beautiful garments.
Wings ripped off, she cannot fly, gentle and fragile like a dove.

Sadness compels her, but she still creates beauty,
She only lives for art.
She is strong, unwavering.
She knows only to play her part.

Her life is full of mysteries, not
Everything has been unveiled.
Complexity is her and so is beauty.
She lives on to tell her tale.

She is a geisha,
A living sculpture's sculpture.
Creating art, never destroying.
Mysteries fulfill her destiny.