Young Writers Society

Hi there!

First thing I'd like to mention is your sentence strucutre. From the very beginning, I can tell that there's something wrong with it.

He fumbled limply for the chamber walls and his hands passed over the walls for anything to grab onto. He crawled slowly into a sitting position and glanced slowly around the room. He lifted his arms weakly, sighing he closed his eyes and opening them again a strange fire burned in his pale face.

He fumbled limply for the chamber walls and his hands passed over the walls for somethign to grab onto. The wall was smooth... etc.

"Well well well...

Hey Cm!

I tend to start with nitpicking and then move to the good parts of the story, so bear with me.

"Thud
The man fell, slowly, his body jolting violently as he landed on the floor."~ This is a little awkward. You might try combining the 'thud' with your second sentence. Such as "he landed on the floor with a thud" or something. Your information also seems to be a bit conflicting. You say that the man fell slowly, so why did his body jolt violently when he fell?

"He fumbled limply for the chamber walls and his hands passed over the walls"~ I don't think limp is the right word. Maybe weakly or something. I also tend to advise against using 'and' unless absolutely neccessary. Maybe try using 'as' here.

"He lifted his arms weakly, sighing he closed his eyes and opening them again a strange fire burned in his pale face."~ I'm not sure exactly what you meant here. The first part is great, but 'opening them again a strange fire burned in his pale face' is a bit confusing. Is the fire elsewhere and just reflecting off his face? Or is the fire coming from his face? Or is the fire merely visible within his face?

"His pupils dilated and his body twisted with the pressure of keeping the ice wall up, he slumped foreword the white light dying."~ this is descriptive, which is very good, but when did he start holding the wall up? Or is he using some mental power, (like The Force, if you've ever seen Star Wars) and you're simply writing about the mental toll its taking?

"A ripple went down the mans spine and he screamed thrashing around and finally becoming still, leaving the chamber in an even eerier silence."~the man's spine is his, (possessive) so there needs to be an apostrophe. Again, I'd try to find a way to eliminate the 'and'...maybe a comma here.

Also, you didn't mention an 'eerie silence' so you shouldn't have an 'eerier'. Just eerie is fine, unless it got quieter.

"A ripple went down the man's spine, he screamed and thrashed before he finally became still, leaving..." just a suggestion.

"His stiff grey hair didn't quite cover his eyes and they glazed up to the ceiling completely blank."~ Again, I have to advise you against using 'and'. Maybe try something like 'eyes, allowing him to stare at the ceiling as his eyes slowly glazed over'. Again, that's just a suggestion. I don't expect you to use my wording, I'm just trying to give you examples.

""Well well well. What do we have here?""~ 'well well well' isn't enough to warrent its own sentence. You should nix the period and add a comma after each 'well'.

"He twisted his face around to show the three vicious scars that ignited his face from hair to chin."~ I don't understand what 'ignited' means here. Perhaps use a different word; also, who was he showing the three scars to? Unless he was flaunting them to someone, you might just comment how the light glinted off of them, or how he fingered his scars, or something else that would allow you to mention them, instead of saying he showed them.

"“There latest recruit” He whispered smirking"~ 'there' means a place 'here or there' or 'put the book there, on the table' whereas 'their' means possessive. I think that you mean that 'they' (whomever they are, it's not crucial to introduce that yet) sent a new recruit, which would be 'thier' recruit. Also, you missed the period after 'smirking'.

"“ There petty defenses-”"~ I'll not drone on about 'there' and 'their' again, but I believe you made the same mistake here.

"The man stopped speaking though there seemed to be not interruption,"~ I have a lot of problem with grammar, so I can't offer a solution, but I know that this is really awkward and should be changed.

"The man...grey floor"~ Can be combined into one paragraph.

"He writhed around on the floor, violently jerking, blood spilling from his nose, his eyes where blank and no emotion played across his face but he continued to scream and jerk violently."~Again, this is grammatically awkward, though I can't offer much help on the matter. 'violently jerking' and 'jerk violently' is just repetitive, and I'd nix one or the other. Also, just a typo, you wrote 'where' instead of 'were'.

"He stopped lying motionless on the floor, dead."~ You definitely need another word here, maybe 'stopped thrashing' or 'stopped jerking' (the possibilities are nearly endless) but this reads that he stopped lying motionless, which would mean that he was lying motionless, but now he was moving, which isn't what you seem to mean.

"Another laugh echoed across the room as the dead man lay unmoving on the floor."~this also seems repetitive, "the dead man...floor" as a dead man obviously can't move.

"grimacing he lay a hand on his foreward."~ forehead?

"The dead man on the floor convulsed he lips mashing in to a straight line as his eyes flickered open. He lay there, gripping on to the strange mans arm and frowning."~ How did a dead man grip the strange man's arm? It seems as though he's come back to life, so you should find a different way to describe him than merely 'the dead man'.

Also, I'm a bit confused, which dead man are we talking about? The one with fire in his eyes, or the one who laughed when the the one with fire in his eyes died? Who is having the conversation following that?

BTW, there was one typo 'unintelligable' is spelled 'unintelligible'.

Okay, I'm done. Please forgive my lengthy review. This was not meant to discourage you AT ALL! You are a really talented writer, and I'm really excited to see what work you put forward next. Your story line is interesting, and you do a great job describing the scenario, giving the reader a sense of really being a part of the story. It was a joy to read.

If you need any more help, or if I was unclear about something, feel free to write on my wall or drop me a PM.

Keep writing,

~Shadow