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Young Writers Society



Web of hearts part 1

by Tsukarin


A Spinme and Tsukarin Collab- part 1

The rain fell thick and cold, she ran through the forest with the basket under her arm. Even though she was breathless, she continued. Until she reached the next city, she couldn't afford to stop. To stop would only mean death. She didn't know where to run to, only blindly stumbling through the woods alone. The crow cawed making her jump. Tucking a loose strand of hair that escaped her bun behind her ear, she looked around nervously.Was she alone?

'At this rate, I wouldn't get to the city before nightfall.' She thought worriedly.
She paused for a moment to look around and get her bearings. She had a vague idea as to where the city laid beyond the valley, but was clueless as to what she'd find on the way. These woods were not familiar to her.
She examined the darkening cliff-face as the sun began to drop beneath the treetops. She sighted a small cave opening that promised shelter for the night and decided to head for it.
She wasn't all that fond of dark places, but it would have to do. She slid into the cave and listened out for any creatures that roamed at night. She dug around and closed her eyes, praying that no one came after her. That night, she slept uneasily on the cave floor which wasn't as comfortable as the bed she had at home.
The next morning she woke up shivering, cold and sore. Her throat was parched. Reaching into the basket, she pulled out the only container filled with water and drank it down. Something was tickling her nose and she sneezed. She was sick, and this realisation brought with it a sense of urgency to find the next town. She knew if she were to stay another night outdoors she may never make it to town at all.
She stepped into the chill morning air and carefully trod the path back onto smoother ground. She sneezed again, her polite 'achoo!' echoing through the damp valley.
'Keep going,' she thought to herself. 'The town is the other side of that hill, I'm sure.'
Crack. She whipped around in horror and held her breath, not moving an inch. She looked down, but found no broken twig beneath her foot. Her heart raced and she studied the woods again, looking for movement between the tall trunks. Nothing. Silence.
'Run!' she told herself, and she pivoted on the ball of her foot and raced down the hillside. She grasped at trees and bushes on her descent to stop from slipping on the wet soil, and glanced over her shoulder when she heard a rustle. Yet, every time there was nothing there. Regardless, she continued running until she rounded the base of a ridge and could see swirls of chimney smoke in the distance.
'The town!' She thought happily but she was still far from her destination. She needed to find some way to get down and she needed to be quick because out of nowhere, came the sounds of the horse's hoof against the road. Before she could throw herself into a nearby bush, she heard someone call out to her.
"Are you alright there?!" sounded a deep, ragged voice.
As a horse and cart drew closer, she stared at it wide-eyed. The man whom the voice belonged to wore a dark blue cloak, and his hair was pushed back behind his ears. He pulled on the reigns of the horse out front and brought the fruit cart to a halt.
"Kind sir, do you think you could show me the way to the town?" She asked, keeping her eyes down.
"Well it's just down this road a short way, m'lady," he grinned, "but I'll take you there if you like? If you don't mind my company, that is."
"Would you kind sir? I fear my soles have been worn out from my journey."
"Yes, I noticed you'd done some travelling," he replied. "If it weren't for the leaf in your hair I would've thought you'd stuck to the road. Climb on board."
She turned red at his comment in embarressment and climbed in the cart.
"Can't promise you the smoothest ride back there," the rider called to her. "There's room by me, if you would prefer it?"
"I thank you for your kind offer sir, but I think I would prefer being back here." She insisted.
"Funny preference, but who am I to judge?" he smiled, then yelled to the horse and flicked the reigns. The pale white horse neighed and began to trot along the bumpy, sodden road.
"Where are you from, sir? You don't look like you are from the area as well." She plucked the offending leaf from her hair and fiddled with it as she asked.
"How did you know? Let me guess, it's my accent, yes?" he asked, but didn't give her a moment to respond. "I'm a farmer, from well beyond the valley. How much do you know of the surrounding lands?"
"I fear that I do not know much my dear sir, only except that the land beyond the valley is called Dellue." She turned to face the man but kept her eyes down just in case. Even though she knew he would have to keep his head front.
"That's the one, m'lady," he replied, sighing. "Dellue, Dellue. The crops grow tall and the sky is blue!" he looked over his shoulder and cracked a smile.
She quickly turned away. " I see. Dellue, is it far from this town?"
"It's a fair way," he said. "And what about you? You look like you've walked the whole highway."
"I come from the deepest part of the forest...I mean from across the mountains." She caught herself before she could say anything about the castle and sneezed.
The man nodded. "Ah, bless you," he said, and nothing more. The outer houses of the city drew towards them and were soon followed by the bustling sounds of the market. The rider steered the cart into a side street by the doctor's clinic.
"This is your stop," he said.
"Thank you,kind sir. I hope the crops will sell well here." She was about to bow deeply when she realised that she didn't need to anymore.
"Oh, they will," he smiled. "Hope you feel better soon. Ah - I didn't catch your name?"
"My name is Edlyn of the Cas- I mean Edlyn Caston. Sir." She hoped that he didn't catch her slip up on her identity.
"Edlyn?" he eyed her. "... nice name. I'm...John," he added.
"May we meet again someday Kind s- John. I would be going now." She turned and went through the crowds while thinking of the next step now that she was in town.


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Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:05 am
borntobeawriter wrote a review...



Well hey there, I'm Tanya!!

Ok. I see you've already gotten a great review, so I'm going to stick to the story itself.

It is way too fast-paced. I know Edlyn is on the run, but she should seriously consider slowing down and smelling the roses. Seriously.

As barefootrunner mentioned, stories beginning with weather is so cliché it's actually on a list of pet peeves by literary agents. Also on the list is the MC running for their lives. And that's how your first sentence starts the story. With both those elements. ¸

Next is a lot of jumping around. Lost. Need to go to village. Don't know where. Oh! A conveniently located cave. Sleep. Wake. Got a cold. Um, whut? We are TOLD everything, not SHOWN anything.

Who is she? What is she thinking? I'm told she's breathless, but where's the breathlessness? A stitch in her side? Short of breath? Trying to gulp air? Anything? How does the cave feel? Damp? Why doesn't she check to see whether it's inhabited by an animal? How does she curl up to sleep? What does her basket look like? Does it have a cover, or could she have possibly lost something in her mad run across the forest?

You see, it is not a good thing to have your reader wonder all these things, to have all this unanswered questions while reading. You must keep in mind that your character is someone like you and me. She gets a stitch in her side while running. She loses articles. She looks around a cave. Wonders if she'll wake up to find a bear drooling over her. These details make your story come along. Without them, your chapter is simply sentences thrown together without much sense.

I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Tanya :D




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Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:35 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there, Tsukarin! Welcome to YWS, first of all. And hi, Spinme!

My first tip to you would be to revise the opening sentence. Statements about the weather are clichéd. Try a more vibrant, dynamic sentence for starters.

Now, tip two: this whole piece is clearly steeped in action, but take a look at these sentences:

To stop would only mean death.
She turned red at his comment in embarressment and climbed in the cart.

Besides 'embarrassment' being spelt incorrectly, these sentences are far too long. You can cut many of your sentences to ease the flow, like this:

To stop would be death.
She reddened at his comment and climbed into the cart.

So, this is a pointer that a journalist friend gave me: write as if you get a deduction from your pay for every word you write. Cut out as much as you can (but no more)!

Tip four: The Direct Speech Heads-up. Régarde:

'At this rate, I wouldn't get to the city before nightfall.' She thought worriedly.
"Kind sir, do you think you could show me the way to the town?" She asked, keeping her eyes down.

Corrections:

"At this rate, I wouldn't get to the city before nightfall," she thought worriedly.
"Kind sir, do you think you could show me the way to the town?" she asked, keeping her eyes down.

And keep the type of quotation marks you use constant.
You also have Edlyn addressing the driver as 'kind sir'. That is fine, and I understand that it is to do with the dialect of that specific world, but too much of it grates on the nerves. Once or twice is enough, then you may revert to just plain old 'sir'.

Tip number 5: Look at this example.

She didn't know where to run to, only blindly stumbling through the woods alone.

This sentence fails to make grammatical sense. The two parts of the sentence don't connect, so they should not be linked like that grammatically, y'know? Try this:

She didn't know where to run to, but stumbled blindly through the woods.

Sounds better, right? So look through your sentences and check that they work out. But the most important tip of all these, I would say, is number 2. Chop and change.

Keep the ink flowing :)





I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.
— Leo Tolstoy