Young Writers Society

Beautiful poem, Luckystar!
I only have a few small suggestions...

First of all, I suggest you make it into stanzas somewhat like this...Also I have some edits/suggestions in ()'s.

Whispering trees(,)
with soft peppermint leaves(,)
leave behind a simple lemony (breeze).

Crisp autumn birds,
fly (through) rosy air,
leaving fields of raspberries,
(stranded in their midst).

Cinnamon conifer needles(,)
soon fall to sugar snow(,)
and a honey sunlight beam(,)
(shimmers slightly like a rainbow).
-------------

These are just my suggestions, if you like the way it is keep it.

The main thing I noticed is your choice of wording. I think you should think more about your rhyming, so try to say the poem out loud a few times and make it flow when you say it.

That last line that I added I am not completely sure about.

Also, all I saw was a few minor punctuation errors. I love the idea of this poem! It is a very nice poem, Keep up the good work!

~Rainn

Hey lucky! Happy review day

You did a great job of accomplishing your goal in this poem. It was very beautifully worded and at the same time you did amazing job of "Give, tell, show"ing. which is basically another way of saying you used senses to reach your reader instead of just using words. this is a very important skill when It comes to writing and it is even more important when it comes to poetry because not as many people use it in poems. You really did a great job with this poem and I love the name. When I read over the name I laughed a little and I thought it would be a funny poem, which is a great way to draw in readers. Just reading the poem, it seems very deep and emotional, but the addition of the slightly comical name makes for a great combination.

I really enjoyed reading your work. Awesome job on this poem and keep up the amazing work!

Hey lucky! Happy review day

You did a great job of accomplishing your goal in this poem. It was very beautifully worded and at the same time you did amazing job of "Give, tell, show"ing. which is basically another way of saying you used senses to reach your reader instead of just using words. this is a very important skill when It comes to writing and it is even more important when it comes to poetry because not as many people use it in poems. You really did a great job with this poem and I love the name. When I read over the name I laughed a little and I thought it would be a funny poem, which is a great way to draw in readers. Just reading the poem, it seems very deep and emotional, but the addition of the slightly comical name makes for a great combination.

I really enjoyed reading your work. Awesome job on this poem and keep up the amazing work!

Hi, I really liked your poem! However, I know that you have said that you've changed the title but I'm going to say that I don't like the new one, sorry! I don't think it has much to do with the poem.... I like the descriptions you give but I think you could perhaps not split up the lines (ie 'Whispering trees with soft peppermint leaves' all on one line) and also maybe you could look at the rhythm for a few lines because it doesn't scan quite properly. Overall though, it is a great poem so keep writing!

Hey I tried to take your advice and I changed it! However some people were saying they loves one part and others were saying to change the same part so I went with my intuition. Yeah I added some, changed the title, changed a few words... very ready to do alot more! Keep those reviews and comments comin'!
,
Star

Hi lucky! Thought I'd drop by and give you a review

Title: I think you need a stronger title for this piece. It doesn't really draw the reader in or sound good or paint a picture in the reader's mind. It's vaguely intriguin and unusual but not particularly interesting. There was this poem once I ready called 'A little nosegay' or something very similar, uh... I forget the author and quite a bit of what happens in it (except it's a piece of feminist literature) but that title stuck by me. You need something like that. Perhaps 'A bundle of Peppermint' or 'In Search of the Nose'. Have a think about it and see what you come up with!

This is a poem you send to your nose: [I'm not sure about this aside. I think I'd rather go straight into the poem and reach that conclusion for myself, instead of being told it's going to be a sensory poem.]

leave behind a simple lemony wind [I think this line could maybe be re-phrased so the previous one flows into it more smoothly. Perhaps, 'the lemony wind they've left behind'. It also places the focus on lemony wind, which I think is nice and helps distract from that repeated leaves and leave.]

Alright so I like the imagery in this poem but I'd have liked to see more of it. What you've got here is a very brief sketch but what else is in the picture? A stream? People? It seems to start in a wooded area, but then we're flying over fields so maybe it could be a journey poem? After the raspberry fields, do we follow a pair of field mice through the hedge to a corn field?

Basically, I felt it had only just started when it already came to the end and I like that it's concise, but it can stay concise and still take us a little further on this sensory journey. Maybe you can describe the movement of the birds, how the wind feels against their feathers, or the smell of the raspberries, how they're sweet but there's also the smell of fertiliser and maybe freshly turned soil?

Hopefully that gives you a few ideas! Feel free to drop me a pm if you've got questions, or make any changes to this and would like me to take another look.

Heather xxx

Luckystar,

Great poem! I like it for all of the images portrayed, and the conciseness of the poem as well. So often, you get a lot of poems without a single sensory detail, and you've managed to say quite a lot with very little words and paint a vivid picture on top of that.

My only suggestion for this piece would be to give it a little more focus. The title is the "smelling poem" and yet, the first line is more about sounds/images and doesn't evoke a sense of smell at all. That's not a bad thing, but it does make the poem seem a bit scattered. Especially when you have a short poem like this, you want the idea to be pronounced and emphasized as well as concise. The peppermint leaves and lemony wind are a nice touch, but with "grassy blue birds" I'm not too sure what that means, unless you mean to say the birds smell grassy?

Maybe in that case you need to be more specific, like describe the smell of grass dew. The fresh, crispness of it. Smell is a very hard sense to describe, so you've got your work cut out for you, but it should be a fun thing to experiment with all the same!

Your next line, "fly away in rosy air" it seems as though the focus in this line is the image of the birds flying away, rather than the scent of the air. I'm not sure what your intentions are. I know this is supposed to be a smelling poem, but it becomes more of an image poem, since your descriptions evoke a powerful image, rather than a powerful smell. Perhaps, again, you can describe the scent of roses. The flowery, almost subtle sweet fragrance?

All in all, a beautiful and lovely concept for a poem! Just focus and revise it a bit more. Keep writing! And let me know if you have any questions.

~ as always, Audy

That's very nice, I mean, to my nose.
I agree with ERZA though. If you could add put punctuation and capitols on, it would be even better. Also, I think you did a great job in describing the trees. I just loved how you said:
whispering trees
with soft peppermint leaves
Because I can imagine what that would be like. Great job.
9/10 (Just for the punctuation etc)
It's great.
Keep up the great work.
KRose

That sure goes to the nose. Its a good poem. You could have made it better by working on the punctuation. I bet you are a nature lover. Because you have described the garden or meadow or whatever so very accurately and nicely. I give you a thumbs up! Good work and keep writing.!! And adding all those colors in the poem you have just proved it the nature is indeed full of colors.