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Young Writers Society



Enslaved Chapter 1 Scene 5

by Rubric


Twenty nine children did not survive the march from Fartheil to the slave market at Dyre. Most died of exhaustion and exposure, and twice children tried to run. The first was a plainsgirl, no older than Sarah, who wriggled loose of her chains during the night and fled into the desert. The girls manacled either side of her in the chain line were beaten near-to-death for their inattention in not stopping or reporting her, though Arvad knew that they, like he, must have been asleep when their companion escaped. The escapee was not so lucky in her punishment. Word passed up the chain lines later that day that the trio of slavers who had set off to find her had returned, even though they had been gone for only a few hours and she had had a half-night’s lead on them. Arvad had slept only fitfully in the days that followed, haunted by the girl’s screams for mercy and the animalistic roars of her tormenters. In his nightmares, distended shadows had played across the flame-lit canvas of the slavers’ ornate tent and Danil whispered in warning that the Ulusami only wore the skins of men.

The second escape attempt was from an entire chain line of Shavar boys during the first night they sheltered beneath the northern trees. Their keeper’s staves had found little purchase in tougher forest clay, and the slaves had boldly uprooted their restraints and fled into the night. Arvad, woken from a nightmare, had heard the rustling of their flight, but had not believed anyone could be brave enough, or stupid enough, to run after what had happened to the girl. That night, the slavers hung what was left of the boys by their manacles over the boughs of the great northern trees as a firm and unequivocal warning to the rest. Whatever you fear in Dyre, the torn faces of the boys whispered to Arvad in his dreams, as their bodies swayed from the branches of the trees that had become their final resting place. Whatever you fear in Dyre, they whispered, the Ulusami are worse.

For all of the fear with which the Ulusami were rightly held, for all the resmblance they held to the terrors that stalked the gibbering nightmares of madmen,they did not seem exceptionally proficient slavers. In the free island cities of Marcillia, Tarbruk and Sempunja, the journey a genuinely valuable slave made from capture to the slave block might take years. Training could be both detailed and rigorous, regardless of the complexity of the task in which the slave would eventually find themselves. Every slave, from maid to crone,from wagon-loader to imperial engineer would learn a core skill set of submission, tact, and self-effacing obedience.

On such a market the Ulusami could not compete. Arvad could see that their casual brutality made them good slave-takers. They did not waste their tasteless bread on children who would not survive the march, and the fear of beatings with truncheon or lash kept all but the suicidally unruly in check. The limits of their patience shone through in their servant-making: whereas the slavers of the free island cities made an artistry out of imbuing slaves with a new subservient identity, the Ulusami simply did not invest themselves in it.

Before the choice offered by Millekko, the slaver with the finely trimmed beard who had stopped the procession just shy of Dyre, their tutelage had been the province of the thin plainsman who had argued with Arvad’s father. He reminded Arvad of the posturing youths who often clustered around the headman to make themselves seem important. Like those youths, this slaver sneered at the children whose care he was saddled with, and rather than taking pride in the work given to him, he would often abandon them to the brutal care of The Stout One, preferring to seek the company of Millekko and the other high ranking slavers who often sat amidst the wagons as they travelled. The Stout One gave them no lessons, only the rough end of his truncheon when they met his gaze or slowed their march, and from what Arvad could gather in their infrequent rest breaks, the other lines were little different.

As the procession pulled up to one of the smallest and least remarked of the city’s outer gates, Arvad remembered the stories his parents had taught him about the integrity of honest labour. He recalled the preening Songbird that starved during the long dry, while the dutiful Tanwings rested out the heat in their well-stocked nests. He recalled Aeolfas the hunter, who had run forty miles without rest to bring word to the Davani of encroaching Shavar raiders. Though Aeolfas had died of battle injuries and exhaustion within minutes of his arrival at the village, his ancestral tree was amongst the tallest and most revered of the Davani for the warning he had given them. Young hunters and warriors often left offerings amidst the roots of the tree, so that the spirit of Aeolfas would watch over them during their hunt. Then there were figures older even than the Davani, such as Jujantvir, who pursued Draegmor, the stone serpent, across the stars in vengeance for his slain offspring, swallowed whole by the great snake. So awe-inspiring had been Jujantvir’s rage, that he had shattered the stone serpent against the pillars of the world. The broken remnants had fallen to earth and become the hills and peaks that dotted the Ulusami Plains and become populated by the offspring of Jujantvir’s sons, who burst whole from the stomach of the shattered Draegmor. Jujantvir had no ancestral tree and did not need one; his roots in the world were the coursing lifeblood of myth and history from which the hill clans drew a common identity. But who, then,was Arvad? If Jujantvir became a father of nations through an inextinguishable love for his sons, who was Arvad now that he had been cast off like a soiled cloak?

“You’re doing it again,” his neighbour whispered.

“What?”

“You go inside yourself, and stoke your anger,” Danil quipped, “It’s like you have fire in your eyes.”

Arvad realised that his friend was right, he had become introspective. He flexed his fingers inside their confining restraints and turned away from the questions to which he had no answers.

The procession marched to the small south-west gate of Dyre, because slave traffic was not accepted on the main thoroughfares of the Archduke’s city. Guilliame did not trade with the free island cities for slaves, nor even his southern vassal, the Duke of Sharlced. It was solely at the insistence of Sharlced, who served as Archducal Bursar, that slave traffic was allowed within the walls of the city at all. As the procession cleared the low-hanging portcullis Arvad and the other slaves got their first look at the city of Dyre.

“It stinks!”

“Where are the trees?”

“What’s the big grey building on the cliff?”

“It smells like a whale passed soil on a bonfire!” Exclaimed Owen, wearing hishabitual scowl.

Slavers dutifully laid about their charges with club and lash in response to these irrepressible concerns. The Stout One loomed ominously over Danil’s shoulder, but the boys looked right through him, stone-faced, until the line moved on.

Dyre, or at least this secluded experience of it, was composed of thin muddy streets, and grim-faced, woefully-constructed shanty-towns. It reminded Arvad of the tiny moist crevices between the rocks at the water-springs, where tiny insects would often take shelter from the burgeoning youths. Except this crevice was a dozen times larger than the hill on which Arvad’s village stood, home to twenty five thousand souls, and girdled by stone walls thirty feet tall.

Once more unattended, Arvad whispered to Danil, “where do you think their groves are? The trees outside the city were wild and untended, and I haven’t seen a single plant since we passed the wall.”

Danil shrugged, “In my village we plant ancestor trees at funerals, rather than after births. As Tribute, I will never have one anyway. Owen’s village only honours great warriors and their families with entrance to their grove, and the Shavar do not follow the tradition at all, who can say what the northerners do? Maybe it is for the best,” he nodded to himself sombrely, “I doubt The Stout One would let me plant a tree over you when your first master beats you to death for giving him that stare of yours.”

Danil looked so serious that for a moment Arvad was taken aback,untilDanil flashed a smile.

Arvad shoved him lightly with his manacled hands, “And yours will rip out your tongue when you play him for a fool.”

Their resulting giggles bordered on the maniacal, and Arvad knew they were both skirting the very edge of terror. A girl was sobbing in a chain line that was marching parallel to theirs. He hadn’t seen Sarah in hours.

Ahead of them, the procession slowed and Arvad saw that the road ahead opened up into a dingy square lit by a central fire and torches bracketed to the palisade walls that encircled it.


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Sat Jun 30, 2012 8:47 pm
DudeMcGuy wrote a review...



This part is also well done Rubric, although I feel the previous scene was a bit better.

The part where Arvad remember's the story of Aeolfas the hunter is great detail/back-story. And it ties in greatly with the tree aspect of the Davani culture. I was very happy to be enlightened in that respect. However, I feel like it came at an odd time. I mean, Arvad is passing through the gates of a city he's never seen before. He'll likely be sold and forced into a life of hard labor. His mind should be frantic and scared of the uncertainty in his future, not recalling the memory of great warriors who inspired his people. (at least that's what I think).

In my opinion, if you wrote that part after Danil asks him about the trees it would flow better in the context of the present events.

Also, this is going to sound mean, but I think the whole part about Jujantvir and the stone serpent are unnecessary at this point. I mean, the prose explicitly states that they are not tied to the ancestral trees. So why is Arvad reminded of these stories right now?

Now don't get me wrong. I thought it was a very interesting and unique mythology/history going on. It was detailed and well paced too, but it just doesn't feel right "in the moment". I would be careful to only reveal Arvad's past/beliefs when they are relevant to his situation in the present. (I hope that makes sense).

Perhaps whoever buys Arvad (if he doesn't escape somehow) would inquire about his beliefs and/or heritage. Which would lead him to explain? It's excellent world-building, so I know it belongs somewhere. I just don't think this scene calls for it.

But other than that the story/plot is moving nicely. My questions about the tree culture and mountains were answered here. (Although the mountains only subtly by "hill clans". Which is good enough for now.)

The hierarchy of the slave traders was also interesting, and made sense within the context of Arvad's observations.

Good work.
Scene 6 here I come!




DudeMcGuy says...


Sorry, I also forgot to mention the part at the end with Danil and Arvad sort of "losing it." as you described. Good work there too as it reinforces that their already fragile friendship is in danger.

It's like a "all they have is each other, but soon they won't even have that anymore" type of vibe. But all they know how to do is be friendly despite the horrible situation. Their reactions/psyche match plot well in that respect. Kudos.



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:47 am
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HorriBliss wrote a review...



You've finally reached a stage in your writing where I genuinely feel there is little to add.

The first two paragraphs are terrifying, and they perfectly recreate just how violent and brutal the journey is, so well done with that. I geuinely felt sorry for the children after reading them paragraphs. However, the severity of it starkly contrasts the previous scene in which there was an almost joyful feeling and sense of relief, but perhaps that was just an 'eye of the storm' kind of relief.

"The Stout One gave them no lessons, only the rough end of his truncheon when they met his gaze or slowed their march, and from what Arvad could gather in their infrequent rest breaks, the other lines were little different." - I'm probably going to Hell for giggling at this, but don't worry, it's not because you added some absurd, out-of-place piece of prose here, it's just because I'm sick in the head :') Again though, the brutality here, coutneracts the relief of the previous chapter, which kinda of lends itself to scrutiny/continuity issues.

"his ancestral tree was amongst the tallest and most revered of the Davani for the warning he had given them [...] But who, then, was Arvad? If Jujantvir became a father of nations through an inextinguishable love for his sons, who was Arvad now that he had been cast off like a soiled cloak?" - from the first line mentioned here to the last line, the sixth paragraph (before the dialogue; about the trees) is one of the best of the entire Act. It finally gives some much-needed background to Arvad, letting the reader know that he is much more than just one-dimensional, and that he, and his people, have a rich and diverse background behind them - it's great! I particularly liked the story about Aeolfas, again, great little backdrop that adds enormous amount to the personality of Arvad.

"Danil looked so serious that for a moment Arvad was taken aback, until Danil flashed a smile.

Arvad shoved him lightly with his manacled hands, “And yours will rip out your tongue when you play him for a fool.”" - remember that issue of tone in the last scene? That they seemed to carefree amidst their turmoil? Well, this is a perfect balance that you've stuck, the tone helps catch relief that the children are feeling without betraying the seriousness of the situation at hand. I find your story is well-suited to dark humour like this :')

You've improved with leaps and bounds with this story, and it feels like it's fleshed itself out well (particularly in these last two scenes). The city in this story reminds me of Avatar: The Last Airbender (not sure if you've seen it, but you should!), it reminds me of the Earth Kingdom, basically bereft of trees and shrubs, and instead having great rocks and mounds and slabs in their place. I'm not too sure if that's what you were going for or not. But anyway, keep it up! :D




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Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:20 pm
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purpleandblue22 wrote a review...



Back again!

I know you apologized for the long paragraphs, but to be honest, it worked much better this scene. Maybe it's because of the faster pace, but I didn't notice it as much (with the exception of paragraph 6, that could be split up).

Other than that, no complaints! I love the tree tradition. It adds a lot of depth to the slaves. I can also feel a lot more of the fear in the narration.

Keep writing!
--Bee--





Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher