Young Writers Society

Hey there.

First I'd like to comment on the title and the setting.

Unlike Spinme said, I don't find it Assassins Creed-esque, but I do think, if you ever consider publishing this, you might want to change the title. I'm not sure if Spinme and I refer to the same book, but scroll down this page and take your pick of titles.

Also, this is in Venice, yes? Well, depending on how realistic we want to be, this sounds like a high-tech lab, really, and Venice lacks those. /has been to Venice. Of course, making the setting exotic is all well and good, but consider that in the next eventual chapters. Speaking of setting, some description could be in order, if only to set the scene more. If you want to play it safe, maybe include a window (if they're high up) and show, say, Piazza San Marco, or maybe some canals. Both?

I do agree with Spinme, even if Dr Eugene is overenthusiastic, it does sound like an information dump after a while.

Also, in the dialogue, there are some commas which could be added to slow things down and make them a wee bit clearer:

“Where should I put it Dr Eugene?” Sergio asked politely.

“Oh not long at all, this one only lasts for fifty days, and therefore is equivalent to fifty years in their time. It is definitely the most unique object I have ever come across in my entire life and yours too I assume. It is an unexplained mystery. The man who made it is anonymous and so is the location of where it was found. All I can say is that: due to the object’s shape, the exact degree of its angles and the ‘magical’ sand-like contents inside it are a combination of both scientific estimations, perhaps supernatural, and pure mystery that will make it a possibility for this experiment to actually work.” Sergio nodded in agreement.

Hi there,

Your prologue does a good job at setting up an intriguing story, indicating to the reader it will be about the 'escape of a microform within 50 years' - or at least, that's what I'm gathering from my initial read.

First and most important change you need to make is to do with the structure. When a person finishes talking, hit that enter button and start a new line before the next person speaks. I assure you this is a 100% must-have of any story, no matter how indie or art-house the author is trying to be. New character speaking? New line of dialogue.

As for the dialogue itself, I think you may want to review what Dr Eugene is saying to Sergio as it becomes obvious quite quickly (especially in his lengthy speech in the first paragraph) that it is no longer Eugene speaking to Sergio, but the author speaking through Eugene at the audience. Eugene explains all these aspects that Sergio probably already knows - or doesn't really need to know and it feels quite odd. I suggest you consider cutting Eugene's dialogue down to a simpler, more straight-forward explanation OR bring forth the ideas through question and answer between Sergio and Eugene. (Sergio can pose a question such as "Did you ever find out who made this?" and Eugene could reply, "No, it is so old the creator is nothing but a myth; a forgotten legend.")

Also, perhaps consider a title change. Upon reading 'The Truth' and then 'Venice, Italy' and then having the character 'Sergio' introduced I thought 'ohh this has Assassins Creed written all over it.' If this is the desired effect then keep what you have! I'll admit the title did have me thinking 'what truth? Better find out!'. Of course, if you don't want your readers comparing you to Ubisoft, then perhaps find a new title and maybe a different name for Sergio? Maybe? Just a thought!

Keep on keeping on,
- Spinme

It's good for a prologue. It has really good gripping detail that has me wanting more. It makes me curious of these small creatures. I have a suggestion in stead of using seconds because that seems way to quick how about you use minutes. To me it just seems more probable and realistic.

All I can say is that: due to the object’s shape, the exact degree of its angles and the ‘magical’ sand-like contents inside it are a combination of both scientific estimations, perhaps supernatural, and pure mystery that will make it a possibility for this experiment to actually work.”

Hey, Pix here. : )

I'm not very good at reviewing prologues but lets give it a try shall we?

First of all, I think you should break this up a bit. It was a little confusing to read at first. I'm only going to do an example of the first paragraph~


“Yes Sergio, you can bring it in here now,” shouted a middle aged medical scientist formally known as Dr Eugene Ray. A tall and lean man wearing a white lab coat and matching gloves slowly entered the room, whilst carefully concentrating on the object he held with both hands, which was enclosed in an elaborate glass case.

“Where should I put it Dr Eugene?” Sergio asked politely. “Up on the examining bench, I want to have a quick look at it before we…activate it, would you say? He said adjusting his black rimmed glasses. “Yes Dr, oh and how long will this experiment take again?” Sergio asked.

“Oh not long at all, this one only lasts for fifty seconds, and therefore is equivalent to fifty years in their time. It is definitely the most unique object I have ever come across in my entire life and yours too I assume. It is an unexplained mystery. The man who made it is anonymous and so is the location of where it was found. All I can say is that: due to the object’s shape, the exact degree of its angles and the ‘magical’ sand-like contents inside it are a combination of both scientific estimations, perhaps supernatural, and pure mystery that will make it a possibility for this experiment to actually work.” Sergio nodded in agreement.

Alright, what I've also noticed is a slight flaw in the first paragraph as well-

“Up on the examining bench, I want to have a quick look at it before we…activate it, would you say? He said adjusting his black rimmed glasses.

Somethings wrong in the bold. I think you mean to say- "Up on the examining bench, I want to have a quick look at it before we…activate it, would you say?" He said.

Now, the goodies. I like how you've kept the flow going. You really detailed this and I loved it. Great job.

That's about it. Overall, I would give this is 8/10. Keep writing!

~Katie.

Hey there!

As a prologue, I think this accomplishes what you set out to do and that is basically let the readers know that there is a microscopic life that is being used in an experiment. However, this is a big revelation and I think if you cut this out and tell the story without the reader's knowing, it might be more fun and mysterious. Well, that all really depends on where you're going and which perspective you'll be using though. :/

Anyway, there are couple things you should take note of. Firstly, as mentioned, you should probably take some time to review proper dialogue punctuation and grammar. For example you need to start a new line every time someone new starts talking. Also, you don't need to capitalize "he said" when it's after a comma and quotation. Take this for example:

"I want to go home," she said.
She laughed, "Don't do that."
"Come home early," mom said, pointing her finger.

It's not all too difficult but it can be tricky at times. Google is a great place to start and there are many articles out there that can help you.

Overall, this plot reminds me of an episode of "The Simpsons" where Bart and Lisa enter a tiny microscopic world where they become leaders or something. I think there was also a movie about this but I'm not sure. Anyway, keep writing and let me know if you have any questions.

All the best,
-Pink

Hey,

It's a good start and builds up a sort of suspense and mystery. it doesn't really tell us much about the story or anything which may be good or not.

When you are writing dialogue it is a good idea to write every time it changes character on a new line.

Be careful with your grammar and try to write it is as it's a few times so it's not to repetitive.

Not bad though but maybe try adding in more description and emotion into it!

Nargles xx