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140,722 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
good rhyming.........though i had one inkling. how could people forget the name of Jane when she did such a profane thing.
I wrote this poem quickly, so I didn't plan it out as well as I should have haha! Just think of it as something you need to figure out
Make up your own reasons for them forgetting her. Go crazy!
This is really cool. : ) I like the thought you put into it and reminds me of a combo of Tim Burton and Edgar Allen Poe. The meter it is in is definitely Tim Burton Esque. And the creepiness as well. It is short, sweet and to the point. Jane is such an innocent name too. The interesting thing about this poem is the irony in the second line. "She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name." Very ironic. Something also interesting is that she might not have done anything profane. You said that she was to blame, but it seems no one really has proof she did anything. This piece sounds like an old warning limerick. I like it a lot. It is very dark as well. I might have a couple of tips or words of advice that you may or may not follow. Which ever you chose. First, it might be a god idea to put a period after these lines:
"There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name
She was going down Ashford lane, skipping while rejoicing in the rain
There were some kids playing by the tracks, sculpting mud in their hands into stacks.
It would really create some tension. I really enjoy the line separation though. Also, in the first line it may not be necessary to put "although hardly anyone remembered her name" because you repeat it in the second line.
Very good job. Can't wait to read more. : )
Sorry to put this twice. This was meant to be a review.
Sorry to put this twice. This was meant to be a review.
This is really cool. : ) I like the thought you put into it and reminds me of a combo of Tim Burton and Edgar Allen Poe. The meter it is in is definitely Tim Burton Esque. And the creepiness as well. It is short, sweet and to the point. Jane is such an innocent name too. The interesting thing about this poem is the irony in the second line. "She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name." Very ironic. Something also interesting is that she might not have done anything profane. You said that she was to blame, but it seems no one really has proof she did anything. This piece sounds like an old warning limerick. I like it a lot. It is very dark as well. I might have a couple of tips or words of advice that you may or may not follow. Which ever you chose. First, it might be a god idea to put a period after these lines:
"There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name
She was going down Ashford lane, skipping while rejoicing in the rain
There were some kids playing by the tracks, sculpting mud in their hands into stacks.
It would really create some tension. I really enjoy the line separation though. Also, in the first line it may not be necessary to put "although hardly anyone remembered her name" because you repeat it in the second line.
Very good job. Can't wait to read more. : )
First I like to say awesome poem I like all your sweet rhymes. The only thing that bothered me was the part about no one remembering janes name because she pushed some kids in the way of a train. Yes it's horrible and people should forget such a despicable crime but they wouldn't they would remember and want vengence for those poor children that were playing peacefully in the mud. Anyway good luck to you and your poetry and other written works.
Thank you! As I said below, I wrote it fairly quickly. It was just something fun I thought I'd put on on Facebook to confuse my friends lol. I'd like to think maybe there was a reason for nobody remembering her name. It's open ended so I'd like if you guys filled it in with your own reasons for her disappearance from peoples memories!
Thanks for the reviews everybody. Normally I'd put much more thought into my writing, but I whipped this up in about 7 minutes just to post a little something on Facebook haha. I'll definitely take all this constructive criticism and use it.
This is a great piece of work. Really smart and witty. I loved it. You should definetly write more.
Wow, Murmurations, I'm surprised!
I personally liked it a lot. I like this kind of style that rhymes a lot. It was entertaining, but I don't think the "forgot Janes' name' part fits in very well.
I mean, I loved it, but a little more info of what's going on would be good.
Keep up the good work
KRose
I'm not much of a structure fan, myself, so don't worry about any critiques on that. I was actually more interested in two specific lines that kind of bugged me. Rubbed me the wrong way, if you will.
Now, generally, if you look at history, cruel, strange people are often the ones remembered. The ones who push children in front of trains, for instance, or mass murderers. Profane subjects who do profane things. So for me, this was really the one thing that bugged me. After all, the use of such a simplistic, four letter name, only suggests a more easily remembered subject, and her actions cement it.
So maybe change this to;
ex. There once was a woman named Jane, though hardly anyone remembered her name
Till she did something so profane, that she put such forgetfulness to shame.
Or something along those lines. It gives a different affect and helps build up the suspense to that climax in the last few lines.
Now, I'm going to have to agree completely with Demeter on the extended limerick. It has a very sing-song nature as well as a bit of a morbid theme that kind of trickles up and out in a way that's still pleasant and kind of humorous to a certain extent. The kind of poem that you'd hear, maybe not for the topic but for the way it was written, being recited by a group of kids.
Anyways, I found it cute. It wasn't anything exponentially grand as most poetry has multifaceted purposes, like a lesson, but this one really stuck to it's guns and told a story.
I tip my hat.
~Walker
Hi Murmurations and welcome to YWS!
This was pretty interesting! I like these kind of poems and stories where the ending is "shocking" and/or unexpected. I also like rhyming poems, so this was quite a treat.
Have you written any limericks? This was like an expanded limerick, with the structure and the "pattern" especially. Quite an interesting choice, really!
I have some suggestions, though. This would be an even more enjoyable read if the rhythm was more consistent in the lines. For example, the first line
is a bit of a jumble to read, because the second part is longer than the first one, so the reader has to kind of rush it to make it sound decent. You could fix it very easily: just change "hardly anyone" to "few" or something short so that the line won't be so imbalanced.
You can apply the same tactics to other lines as well, mainly the last one, I'd say.
Also, one more nitpick:
This should be "Jane's".
Anyway, I thought this was a fun read (well, maybe not exactly "fun". But I like morbid!)! See you around
Demeter
x
Hey Murmur!
This poem was like more of a story written poem. :S And the lines are like hugely big which doesn't come in professional poems. Also, this poem was really spooky and scary which gave me the creeps (i.e: Like it!) though it must have had more emotion and feeling to it.
Its just so plain. :S Now, starting with the first two lines:
Here, "There once was a women named Jane" is totally story beginning. In a poem, we don't actually mention it like that. You should have started it like this:
"Jane was women whose name was hardly remembered"
That poetic feel and flow's there.
To the second line, its "Jane's" and not "Janes'.
How about:
"Going down Ashford lane she went,
skipping while rejoicing in the rain,
Kids playing by the tracks she saw,
sculpting mud on their hands"
Better?
Check this out:
"Out in the distance blew a whistle,
And that's when the folks knew,
Jane would be to blame
for the murdering of the kids
pushed down to the path
of the oncoming train."
But what I liked overall, is that you've got your rhyming correct which is wonderful! ^^
Result: There's still lots of space to improve and with the help of YWS, you'll be an excellent writer! xD Rating this a 5/10.
Keep Writing ~
Cookie x)
Yes, I'm sorry. It slipped my mind to put it at 16+
Anyway, thank you very much.
This is a bit sick. Actually really sick.
I think it's interesting that normally, when people do something truly horrible, their names are remembered in infamy, but this Jane's name is completely forgotten.
Even though that's an interesting thought, the vulgarity of this piece overrides any philospophical messages that could be divulged from this.
This should definitely be rated 16+ if it isn't already for being mildly disturbing. Welcome to YWS.
Once you've gotten some help, I wish you grand luck on all your future writing endevours.
Hope this review helps and if you ever have any questions on how the site works or anything else, feel free to PM me.
-tgirly