Published June 13, 2012
Katelyn pov
I wasn't begging with my father,i was simply asking for something repeatdly in a whinny manner. Yes i was a DiMera and yes my father gave me everything i ever asked for. He couldn't buy me and actualy experience on American Idol though,that's something i had to physically do on my own. Father being a father isn't too keen on me leacing his side for more than one minute.
"Absolutely not,i'l rot in hell before i lt you do something like this." Yep he was madder than i thought he would be. This is his fifth gladd of brandy in the twenty minutes i had been standing here. Was it really so much to ask for. Appearently i was thinking out loud because he answered that question. "You're my girl Katelyn, and i don't want you gorwing up too fast. Besides what would Skiler think."
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Canary word: Present
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140,722 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
Hey Callen c:
Since this piece is rather short, I'll just copy and paste the whole thing and make my corrections thoroughly instead of doing quotes.
My corrections will be in red.
So, um, that's it? Okay then.
I really want to be nice, but this is in need of some harsh criticism.
1. Spelling.
Your spelling needs some serious work. Before you post, PLEASE review for spelling mistakes. Once or twice is okay, but an excessive amount is just...
-sigh-
2. Grammar.
Your grammar used in this piece seriously made me cringe, as harsh as that is. You're I's, as in "I did this" are not capitalized. You don't insert the right commas and question marks. Please look up correct grammar before posting.
3. Dialogue.
Your dialogue in uninteresting and full of little information about the character. To catch readers attention, you must add some...spice into your work. Also, when a new character is speaking, it is a good idea to start it in a new paragraph so that it's not a jumble of words.
Well, there's not much I can say that Alliyah already didn't. The story didn't really develop enough for me to get a picture of what was actually happening. It seems like it could be interesting if you submitted a longer, proofread version of it.
This seems... unfinished. Don't forget to capitalize the word "i" and watch the spelling. "i'l"---> goes to "I'll" "gorwing" should be "growing" the last sentence should end with a question mark. "leacing" should be ----> leaving. There should be a comma somewhere in the last sentence and you spelled some other words wrong such as appearently and glad. Please do not use chatspeak in your text, pretty, pretty, pretty please. It distracts from the text and makes the reader a bit annoyed. If you can't take the effort to use correct grammar, why should the reader take the effort to read your piece? You shouldn't have to say whose pov it's from, it should be apparent from the text.
Can't wait to read more, have a great day.
Now I realize this might just be an accidentally posted unfinnished draft so I'm sorry if my review was a little annoying, but at least I caught all the spellng mistakes for you already
P.S. I think there's a way to save the draft without actually posting it.
~Alliya~
I spelled my own name wrong. *palm to face* uggghh.
~Alliyah~