Young Writers Society

The opening lines made me think this was personal and so I prepared myself, watching out for some sort of revealation towards what the girl was feeling to make me feel the realistic sense in the story because this kind of thing is realistic and I like the awkwardness between the two, looking out for the exchange of glances and sheep-ishly smiles.
I'll start off with this, the little things like grammar annoyed me, it's a great story but little things like grammar have to be watched and be kept a close eye on because some people will easily pick up on them and then reveal them to be very annoying. Silly that a few mistakes like "finally, we were at here house" instead of "her house" can be found annoying, right? But people still feel the need to correct them and point them out, myself especially.
The ending I liked because it is a realistic thing, the girl trying to keep herself calm and keep her head held up high and forgive someone for something like rejection, it reminded me of myself in a way. Boy rejects girl, girl moves on but at the same time, they still keep the closeness between them, checking up on each other and eventually they know each other so well. It's a confusing love story for some unless you've been through it yourself.
I liked it a lot, for a short story, it didn't lack depth much.

This strikes me as very personal, and I can certainly feel the raw emotion being portrayed by you the writer. I found your writing style very impressive, but what I feel you did best was evoke emotions in me as the reader. This is always, as I’m sure you know pivotal to the success of a story, especially a short one. I feel that despite it being a small piece you still managed to effectively create a sense of sympathy for both the characters.

The ending also is very, very strong. Perhaps my favourite part of the story. However it doesn’t come to an exact conclusion, it’s almost as if there should be more to come. Do you plan to make it into a novel? I think you should, this ought to be expanded on, it’s a great engaging start and I would love to read more.

In regards to critique, break the text up a bit, as previously stated by other reviewers, it’s just a block of writing. With a few small spaces in the lines here and there it would be much easier on the eye. Also a few little mistakes but we all make them!
Overall not the usual genre I would read, but I was pleasantly surprised. You have a good start here. Well done and keep writing, very good.

Ben

Hey there! This is a nice little story. It's the kind of story I'm automatically drawn to, love and the terrible feeling of loving someone and not being able to tell them. So I like what you've done here.

One big thing before I jump into nitpicks is that when you look at your story on the computer screen, it appears as one giant blob of text which is scary to readers Now that I'm looking a little more I can see that isn't isn't supposed to be one giant paragraph but to make that easier for the reader to see, put some space between each paragraph when you post.

Okay nitpicks:

We were walking home, me and a beautiful girl that had her heart broken by me.

I barely could look at her, so I hanged (hung) my head and watched the streetlights reflection in the wet pavement.

It baffled me that she could take so much pain, which was mostly caused by me,

It was true she had forgave (forgiven) me for everything I did, even though i (I) don't deserve it.

She looked at me with her perfect eyes,

It was absolutely perfect. You know those kisses that make your stomach twist itself in to a large soft pretzel that you can by at the food court at the mall. That make you weak at the knees, but you're forced to keep standing so you don't humiliate yourself. It wasn't the ordinary perfect kiss you'd imagine in other ways though. Her lips weren't baby soft like they explain in love novels. Her lips lightly touched my cheek, pursed and tensed, and then when they relaxed and pulled away their roughness brush my cheek. It almost tickled.

As she walked away, with her feet splashing in the puddles and her drenched hair swaying side to side,

it took me only three seconds to realize something. The first second, that she was probably the best human being on this planet for letting everything go. The next to notice that I wanted so much just to run up to her and give her a proper kiss. And finally in the third second I realized that i (I) was perfectly, beyond any doubt, unconditionally and forever in love with her.

first of all i love the short! it was well written in my eyes. I just thought that maybe you should include just a tiny bit of information of why she might hate him. otherwise i loved it!