Published June 7, 2012
After everyone boarded the cruise, it started on its way to the atlantic ocean. Britanny stood at the very front watching the tip part the rolling waves. She is hanging on the edge ready to jump.
"what are you doing out this late? Are you looking at the full moon?" A male vocie asked from behind her.
"No. I just perfer to be alone." Brittany replied.
"Jon! Come back inside. I have been waiting for you."A female voice yelled from the doorway.
Brittany turned around. A brunette that looked like she was sixteen stood waving from the doorway and a cute guy with looking at her with a concerned look on his face.
"Well there is a party at sacco's on the third floor if you want to come." Jon followed his girlfriend inside.
Brittany stood there.
"Jon! Do you have any idea where my necklace went?" Brittany could hear their yelling.
Brittany slowly walked inside and held on to the walls as she made her way to the third floor. She walked into a room full of lights shining there rays in every direction. Everyone was dancing in such a small room. Brittany is guessing atleast ninety percent of these people went to hopewell bay high. Of course she doesnt know anyone from her own school.
A girl had appeared in front of her.
"Hi do you have any idea where the pageant tiara is." The girl was tall and looked angry.
"No. I didnt steal it." Brittany answered.
"We are just asking everyone." She stated and walked away.
The girl that was just outside with her gave her a mean look and said "You know what you did!"
"What did I do?" Brittany asked. The little sixteen year old girl didnt have enough weight on her to look intimidating.
"You stole my necklace, and put Jon up to it you know, just because he likes you now doesnt mean he should give my stuff to you!"She exclaimed.
"I sware, i didnt take it" Brittany cried.
"Now i know why everyone hates you. You parade around like you are better but only because you steal from us."She may be short but her eyes are really cold.
"I am glad to see that you two are acquainted." Jon stepped in. "Be nice to her,kelly. she is the loner of the school." Jon looked at his girlfriend
"she is just the loser of the school." Kelly walked away.
"I dont know what is her problem." Jon said. "Anyhow do you have any idea where her necklace and tiara went?"Jon asked.
"I did not take anything! why cant everyone leave me alone." Brittany exclaimed.
Kelly's friend came up to her.
"Look at what i found in your room."She held up the pageant tiara and a beautiful pearly necklace and walked up to the stage.
"I sware you all just set me up for the sake of laughs" Britanny yelled out loud.
"shut up while i announce it!" She yelled back louder. " I found out who the theif of the cruise is." she said into the mic. "its..."
"Dont say its me!" Brittany screeched.
"Its actually brittany's boyfriend, Chris." she pointed at him in the crowd.
Brittany stood there with a confused look on her face then went up to him.
"What is wrong with you? Brittany asked chris.
"I just wanted to make you feel special."He said.
"Well, you are the reason i am unpopular. Consider yourself dumped.
Everyone gave Brittany an applause.
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140,722 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
Hey Nina!
My first thought after reading this through the first time was slow down. I think this has the potential to be a great little story but you need to take some time to smell the roses! A huge thing to think about adding is some paragraphs of description. All of the characters are introduced very fast and I'm not sure who they all are or how they are related and all I know about where they are and what they are doing is that they are on a cruise. I want to know more.
Here are my nitpicks and I'll also point out places where I think you can expand.
Try to think of an opening line that is really going to grab your reader and make them want to continue reading. How big is the cruise? Where is the destination? Who is Britanny? What does she look like? How does she feel about the cruise? Why is she hanging on the edge ready to jump?
I would combine these sentences "Brittany turned around and saw a brunette...". The second part of this sentence "...and a cute guy with looking at her" doesn't make sense. I don't know if that was a typo or what but read it out loud and try to find a different way to phrase that. I would also make that part of the sentence a separate sentence and add a little more. Is the cute guy Jon? Describe the cute guy more. Describe the brunette more.
Who said this? The girlfriend? I would refer to her as "the girlfriend" or "the brunette" until she is named for clarification.
Their yelling? Isn't it just the girlfriend that is yelling?
Underlined portion: I would name the room before you describe it. Something like "She walked into the cruise's dance club that had lights shining their rays in every direction." I would also describe it more. There is probably more to a dance club than lights shining.
Underlined and italics: Everyone on the whole boat is dancing? I understand what you're trying to say here, that there are a lot of people dancing in a small space, but I would think about re-phrasing it. It could be a part of your description of the room.
Underlined and bold: Why doesn't she know the people from her high school?
This is kind of a quick thing to jump to. If someone asks if you know where something is and you don't know where it is you would probably just say no. The only person that would make a point to say that they didn't steal it would be the one that did it, otherwise how would they know it was stolen?
I was confused about who this girl was until I read on a little and realized that it was "the brunette" or "the girlfriend", so to clarify, I would refer to her as that here too.
What?
Who is us? Also, the description of her sounded odd to me. I would describe her eye color and then say her eyes are cold. Her cold eyes have nothing to do with her height.
That's kind of a rude thing to say... And why would she repeat it?... Also make sure to capitalize proper nouns and the first word of sentences.
Stage? What stage? Where is there a stage?
Brittany has a boyfriend?
What?
So like I said earlier, parts of this were really confusing to me. I think it could be a good story, you just need to expand a lot more. I want to know more about all of the characters and their relations to others and their thoughts and feelings, especially Brittany. I want to know more about the setting. I want to know more about the past and what has led up to these events.
One grammar note, something I noticed a lot is problems with capitalization. You need to make sure you're capitalizing the first word in sentences and all proper nouns. Also, I think the spelling of Brittany's name changed part-way through.
Let me know if you have any questions or if something wasn't clear. Keep writing!
-Carly
Hello! I think this is actually a really entertaining story. It's lightheartedness was very fresh and it's humor was pretty amusing. I just have a few comments.
1. Grammar, Punctuation and Friends
There are quite a number of issues with these things in your story. So, without going into detail, I'm just going to remind you of a few things.
> Make sure you capitalize all proper nouns and the first word of every sentence.
> Before posting with such finality, run your piece through a word processing application such as Microsoft Word and the like. You will catch many of your spelling and grammar errors here.
> Also, there are a series of rules regarding the writing of dialogue that writers will adhere to. The major one you miss often is the fact that after a line of dialogue, you do not necessarily end with a period. If action continues after speaking, such as:
"I do not wish to devour kittens," she spoke with a disgusted edge to her voice.
You will notice that a comma is used to express continuity.
> Also, just remember that indentations and paragraph breaks are important and help with the organization of your writing.
> Lastly, make sure you stay in the same tense. You stay almost exclusively in the past tense, using words such as "used" and "pointed." It's important that you stay in the tense for the entire story.
2. Character Development
You develop a lot of the characters, but without very much depth. I find this is the case especially with Brittany. In fact, you give good descriptions of everyone but her. I don't know what she looks like, I don't know what she's thinking, I don't know how she thinks...etc. For example, I'd like to know why she's thinking of jumping at the beginning of the story. Your story could be a lot more effective if the reader were allowed a better glimpse into the setting of this anecdote. Things you could add are the thoughts of characters, the reactions of characters, the appearance and the way their appearance changes...etc.
3. Description
I think you could also describe things much more than you are now, especially the setting. Imagery, in the form of sights, smells, tastes, textures, and sounds, really helps to develop a story. In order to establish the right mood, good descriptions are key. For example, extend on the appearance of the cruise ship. What kind of place is it? What can one hear, smell, see, touch, and taste if they walk around it?
4. Structure
This is just a suggestion, but I feel as if this could make an interesting script. I feel this way because of your strong reliance on dialogue to pace and convey the story. The dialogue and interactions between characters are very strong in this piece, and it could translate well to a script or screenplay.
In all, I thought this was very entertaining. However, do remember to check grammar, punctuation, capitalization, and tense agreement before you post. A helpful trick I learned was to read my story backwards. This way, I would focus more on the individual words and their relationship with other words and phrases as opposed to exclusively the meaning. This piece definitely has potential. Keep writing!
Threnody
This may need some work..
First you should re-read it and edit. Here are some mistakes I found: A male vocie asked (should be 'voice'), "what are you.. (needs a capital), waiting for you."A female voice yelled... (needs a comma instead of a fullstop, so it should be; ..waiting for you", a female voice yelled...) And thats just in the first few lines.
I get the feeling you rushed this:P
As for the story itself, its very.. she did that, they did that, he said this, then they did that.. theres no feeling in it. Add some emotion; what is Brittany feeling when Kelly calls her a loser?
Also try to mix up the arrangment of your sentences. They practically all start with speech, say who said it, then maybe have an action. Put an action first? or an emotion or thought? or perhaps more discription or explanation as to what is happening/ thoughts of events building up to that moment.
But mainly focus on your gramma, it actually really improves a story and makes it easier to read. Plus people will think your smarter:)
PS. Put lines between each paragraph.