z

Young Writers Society



Lady Gridelin

by Threnody


The morning after Lady Gridelin vanished was the morning in which all parents sent daggers wrapped in silk with their children as they left for school. Lady Gridelin had slipped from the room, seemingly undetected, leaving the ropes that bound her to her bed in frays, and the chains that desperately clung to the door bent and broken. But she had lit all the candles in the room before she left, and even in the drippingly rosy light from Dawn's bloody fingernails scraping across the sky, breathing shadows took cover behind the flickering flames and told lies to those that questioned where Lady Gridelin had gone.

Only a fool is afraid of the night, and this was a village of people who had learned to hide their foolishness. They trusted the night and it's gentle, longing embrace and ran from the sun as it devoured the stars and the moon every morning.

"Lady Gridelin is a creature of the light. If she looks upon you, you fall to ashes," a father whispered to his son as he coaxed him out the door, sending him quickly off to school. "Protect yourself with the dagger, and do not look her directly in the eyes."

The boy took the knife that was swaddled carefully in white silk, and nodded ceremoniously as he tucked it into his pocket.

"The path that Lady Gridelin walks catches fire with each footstep," a mother murmered as she patted her daughters hair protectively, choosing to keep her indoors until Lady Gridelin was found.

"She hides in the sunbeams and cuts your throat as you're blinded by the light," a grandmother spoke, reciting the knowledge as if it were said thousands of times before. She was slowly wrapping damp guaze around the eyes of a baby, casting it in involuntary darkness. The baby shook with fear at the seriousness of the world it had fallen into as its salty tears mixed with the warm water that dripped in pathways from the guaze and its cries were muffled by an insistent lulaby.

Lady Gridelin herself walked the streets, carefully and in fear. She had wrapped her bedsheets around her naked shoulders and the corners were caked with mud. She had become lost and was wandering in circles like the sunspots that began dancing in front of her eyes.

"There she is." A group of boys saw the woman stumbling over herself as she ran to find her way. "Careful, she will eat you alive and use your bones as a candle and your hair for the wick."

Lady Gridelin began crying, and ran faster.

"Take out your knives men and do not let her grab you. She sips life as if it were wine." Another boy unwrapped his dagger and let the red silk fall to the ground. They chased her through the streets catching the sheets that trailed from her shoudlers and cutting them the pieces.

Lady Gridelin saw her home from the corner of her eye. It was a house obscured in darkness that was unfamiliar even when seen twice.

She ran quickly in and wrapped the chains back around the door. She blew the candles out and tied herself back into her bed, covering her head with the sheets and muffling her ears with her hands.

"She's escaped for today, but we'll get her tomorrow, eh men?" She heard the boys yell after giving up clawing and kicking at her door.

She turned over onto her stomach and let the tar black shadows drip over her and shield her from the day.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 2557
Reviews: 26

Donate
Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:25 pm
SkyLore wrote a review...



Hi! Sky here to review, as requested.

There's not much to say other than what those have mentioned, but I'll try my best.

The baby shook with fear at the seriousness of the world it had fallen into as its salty tears mixed with the warm water that dripped in pathways from the gauze and its cries were muffled by an insistent lullaby.


(I made my corrections in bold)
When I was reading this out loud, I became out of breath. So it's either it needs some periods and commas, or I'm just overweight ;)

Example:
The baby shook with fear at the seriousness of the world. it had fallen into as Its salty tears mixed with the warm water that dripped in pathways from the gauze, and its cries were muffled by an insistent lullaby.
(you don't have to use that, it was just an example)

Other than that, I found nothing else wrong with the story.
I must say, your an amazing writer. Your imagination and descriptions are so well thought out that if--no, when--this becomes a novel or some sort, no matter the price, I would buy.
Just as Mia had said, there were questions left unanswered. But this piece did strike me as a prologue or something, so I won't pester you about it.

This was nice to read, I cannot wait to find out more :D

Keep writing,
Sky.




User avatar
553 Reviews


Points: 58538
Reviews: 553

Donate
Fri Jun 08, 2012 11:39 am
MiaParamore wrote a review...



Hey Threnody!

Thanks for the request!

"The path that Lady Gridelin walks catches fire with each footstep," a mother murmered as she patted her daughter#FF0000 ">'s hair protectively, choosing to keep her indoors until Lady Gridelin was found.



"Careful, she will eat you alive and use your bones as a candle and your hair for the wick."
I like the imagination.

I'll first off start by saying that I like your writing style. It's simple and to the point which I guess is really important in a short story. Besides that, mostly writers leave out good descriptions when they attempt short stories but you didn't and I found some of your descriptions really crisp and unique. Also, I could feel the sort of supernatural element you had tried to put in here. So, all in all, this was a good read.

But, I also think that it was a bit vague. What I mean is that there were some questions that kept on circling my mind but I was never able to get any answers for them. For example, who was this Lady Gridelin? Or how old was she? How did her house look like-was it desolate and a crumbling structure or well maintained and well furnished? These questions might not seem relevant to you, but they do help me picture the atmosphere and the life Lady G. was living. Most important for me was to know her age. Had she gone mad because of old age? This was really important. It helped build her character for me, you see. So, maybe you can work on these points.

Besides that, it really wasn't a story but a situation or memoir sort of a thing. More likely, to me it seemed like a prologue. An introduction to a longer story? But I dunno, I've read many stories which have such a pattern. I mean that they don't have a solid ending as such, like the problem's not solved, so I don't think there's anything wrong in it. But I would really suggest you to give it a thought to write more. I mean, you could convert this into a novella or a novel because the idea's really good and interesting-it would make a cool supernatural, psychological story.

The fact that Lady G. was afraid of the people and they were afraid of her was really amazing, and I'd like you to work more on this aspect since that's the theme of your story. Also, I'd like to say that descriptions are really your strong point so whenever you write anything next you should be sure to experiment more with them and use them frequently-not overload your stories with them, but you get what I mean.

I'd like to wish you all the luck with whatever it is you plan to do with the story. If you'd like any advice from me or anything in this review to be cleared, you know where to find me. It was really a lovely read and thanks for that. :3

~Mia




User avatar
152 Reviews


Points: 3965
Reviews: 152

Donate
Wed Jun 06, 2012 3:53 am
Rubric wrote a review...



Good afternoon. I will begin with specific remarks, and move toward the general. Rest assured that I was greatly impressed with your overall style and particularly the shift in sympathy from the village to Gridelin as the piece progressed. Let us begin.

"They trusted the night and it's gentle"
"its", unless you mean "it is gentle", which I would assume, given your general proficiency with grammar, you do not.

"nodded ceremoniously"
It's interesting, because I'm left unsure as to how much this is actually some form of ceremony, as the reader does not yet understand everything (or at least, this reader does not) that takes place. My initial reaction was that perhaps "dutifully" would be more fitting than "ceremoniously, but in the end I think it best to leave it to your discretion.

"as if it were said thousands of times before"
"as if it had been said" suits the tense, I believe.

"carefully and in fear"
It reads oddly that you’d choose “carefully” but not “fearfully”, at least to me. Might I suggest “with both care and fear”, though that may not sufficiently carry the context of her care, as the word can carry a wide array of connotations, such as "affection" "attention" or "tentatively". Again, I'm unsure and I'll leave this simple offering at your door.

"that was unfamiliar even when seen twice."
I love the idea of this description, but I’m unsure at its execution. The aura of mystique and ambiguity grips me, but I grapple with "seen twice", as it seems too paticular to carry the general theme with which you neatly transfix the reader.

I enjoyed this piece immensely, and would gleefully consume and pass remark on any precursors or antecedents.

Thank you for your time,

Rubric.




User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 762
Reviews: 30

Donate
Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:55 pm
icebender28 wrote a review...



Oh wow. This is amazing! It's so twisted, and I feel really bad for the Lady Gridelin. Your writing skills are fantastic, by the way.

"But she had lit all the candles in the room before she left, and even in the drippingly rosy light from Dawn's bloody fingernails scraping across the sky, breathing shadows took cover behind the flickering flames and told lies to those that questioned where Lady Gridelin had gone."

I especially love the figurative language here. I had never thought of the dawn having "bloody fingernails scraping across the sky." It gives a good shove in the direction you wanted this to go in, I think.

Keep writing like this! You had my heart wrenched (that's a really good thing, by the way)! :D




User avatar
92 Reviews


Points: 294
Reviews: 92

Donate
Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:46 pm
anna91423 wrote a review...



Oh my god. This is actually amazing! The first sentence totally dragged me in and I was completely gripped all the way though. Your personification of dawn was so effective. The fact that rumour was that it was light she needed, but she actually fled to the dark was really interesting. I also liked that light was portrayed as evil- I found it refreshing. Your style of writing is so beautiful... By far one of the best stories I've read on this sight. I literally have nothing bad to say about this piece. I can't wait to read more from you, keep writing!





"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery