When I awoke, I was lying in a metal cage, like one you would see at a zoo, and I had a lump growing on my left temple from where I had been kicked when I tried to get away. Robby sat in the cage next to mine, his tear-filled eyes staring at me helplessly. I scooted over to him and reached my hand out towards him, patting his shoulder. I wished I could tell him everything was fine, and that we would find a way out. I wished I could tell him it was all a dream, but I couldn’t, because it wasn’t a dream. It was the horrible truth. The twisted reality. I guess the students back at Harold High had figured out that our stories were actually true. “Is this really the end?” Robby asked, staring straight into my eyes.
I wanted so desperately to tell him, “No, this isn’t the end. We will get out of here,” but instead I just settled with a simple “I…don’t know. I hope not.”
We sat silently, holding hands, as I thought of ways to escape. Just as I was about to give up, a thought hit me. “Hey, I have an idea,” I whispered, not wanting the whitecoats to hear.
“What is it?” Robby asked, looking at me alertly.
“Okay, so we lay here and pretend we are still knocked out, and when the whitecoats take us out of the cages, we lie in their arms limply for a moment, then, when I say ‘now’, fight. Fight them and run for the door. It may or may not work, but it’s the best I can think of.” I explained.
He nodded, and we lay motionless on the cold floor and waited. We waited for what felt like hours, then we heard footsteps. And they were headed on our direction. We laid as still as possible, and didn’t move a muscle when we were swept up into powerful arms. We waited for a few seconds, then I jumped up and screamed “NOW!!!” and broke free from the whitecoat. Robby was still struggling to fight off the one restraining him, so I gave that whitecoat a swift kick in the rear and grabbed Robby. We sprinted towards the door as the whitecoats followed us, shouting orders like “Get them!!” and “Don’t let them get away!”
We were almost at the door when a tall, blonde haired whitecoat snatched me up and rammed a needle into my neck. The energy was drained from me in a matter of seconds and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open. Just as I was about to black out, I heard the door slam open as wolves poured into the lab, growling and attacking the whitecoats. Robby dragged me out the door and laid me down gently on the sidewalk. I was too tired to speak, but he saw the question in my eyes. “A good clan knows when their leader is in danger.” He said soothingly as he stroked my long dark hair. My eyelids became too heavy to lift, and I found myself drifting off into a deep sleep.
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So, this was kind of a short chapter and DEFINITELY not one of my best, but it gets better, I promise!
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139,425 Literary Works • 672,560 Reviews
Another Chapter List review. The third tonight!
The transition between this chapter and the first chapter was good. It definitely made a good place for a quick break and you could easily slip back in here without felling like you've missed something. So that is all good.
Robert in this chapter seems very out of character. In the first chapter I didn't get the impression that Robert was the kind of person to cry at something like this. Though, Taylor's reaction was realistic and fit in really well.
Once again, this chapter goes way too fast. We've barely had a glimpse of the cell before they escape. It makes the whole being taken ploy seem like a total waste of words and time. I feel cheated. I was expecting being locked up would really help start to build things up. Even now, the action is rushed and isn't as good as the previous chapter.
It's also very weird that the character is asleep / knocked out at the end of this chapter too. Actually, it seems like the common theme in all parts of the story so far. At the end of the prologue, chapter 2, and now this chapter, Taylor has ended up in such a state.
The other werewolves coming in also seems very unexpected and out of place. An explanation or some sort of scene involving them in chapter one would help understand why they were there. The first thing that comes to mind is that they're coming to save their fellows, though in the first chapter, there is no mention at all.
A side note: this chapter would probably make a good base/starting point for something along the lines of around chapter 7 or 10.
You've got the good roots there and the excellent beginnings of a plot. Your style is also great though it needs some developing, especially in length. Now all you need to do is sharpen your skills and work through these early chapters with a bit of editing too to help adjust length for the storyline.
What you've got is what I might see as a summary or some brief snippets from what I'd cover over several chapters, not just one or two. Though, don't take this too harshly and don't give up. No-ones born an expert writer. Building up to greatness takes time and effort and a pinch of natural talent. That pinch of natural talent is like a seed - you've got that seed planted. Now you need to nurture and care for it and before you know it, you'll have this big healthy plant bearing exquisite fruits that everyone loves.
- noni >( ==)
Yeah, this chapter was kind of short. But, you did keep up with your fast action style at blurring speed. We are barely able to catch out breath as the action certainly keeps us awake. You have a great style of painting a picture of what is happening. At least #49 has a name. What is your main character's name? Tell us more about some of the other clan members? I hope you can get to write and review fast enough to get your work posted it is really good. Looking forward to your next chapter.
Sorry I can't review this properly right now (and barefootrunner already said most of it) but I just have to say, I love the ending.
"A good clan knows when their leader is in danger." Oh My God. So cool. I'm very happy this has happened in the story and I look forward to reading more!
awesome, i really love this story.
thanks
Yes, it's me again! Let's take a look at the spelling and grammar.
“Okay, so we lay here and pretend we are still knocked out, and when the whitecoats take us out of the cages, we lie in their arms limply for a moment, then, when I say ‘now’, fight. Fight them and run for the door. It may or may not work, but it’s the best I can think of.” I explained.
Your "lay" should be "lie", and your direct speech is incorrect. You should have a comma instead of a full stop after "think of".
“A good clan knows when their leader is in danger.” He said. Direct speech should go: "A good clan knows when their leader is in danger," he said.
"I guess the students back at Harold High had figured out that our stories were actually true." Keep to the tense. "I guessed that" would be better grammar.
Now for the rest:
The first sentence goes, "I was lying in a metal cage, like one you would see at a zoo,". I know this is really personal preference, but I would say, "the kind one would expect to find at a zoo." It sounds more mature, in a way.
I see that Taylor is indeed a girl, but I would like to know more about the main characters, still.
Very well done, and I must congratulate you on your overall good spelling and grammar, flow and style.
Keep the ink flowing!