“47. That’s who I am. Subject 47. I didn’t even have a name until I decided to name myself, but that doesn’t change anything. The name is just a cover-up. So I can fit in. But I will never truly fit in. I’m not even completely human. I’m a werewolf. There are only one hundred of us in existence, and I’m the 47th. We weren’t naturally born. We were all test tube babies. We were all created by the whitecoats. To them, we are nothing but an experiment. A failed experiment. But to us, we are so much more. We are a clan. We stick by each other, and we fight. Their intention for creating us was to wipe out the human race and inhabit the Earth ourselves as a new breed of humans. But when they let us loose, instead of killing the humans, we tried to fit in. We tried to be like them. We tried to be them. So now the whitecoats are hunting us down. They want to take us back to the lab and dispose of us. We all know we can’t hide forever, and there are more of them than there are of us, but when the time comes, we will fight.”
The classroom was still and silent. My fellow classmates sat at their desks dumbfounded. I started to get nervous when no one said anything. No one even clapped. They just sat there. The assignment was to write a brief description of us in another life. I decided to use my real life. The one only my clan and the whitecoats know about. Suddenly the whole classroom was filled with the sounds of children applauding. The teacher, Mrs. Johnson, stood up from her desk and looked at me with an excited smile. “Wonderful job!” she exclaimed, clasping her hands in delight. “Lovely, just lovely! And so creative! How ever did you come up with something like this?”
I felt my face heat up and knew I must be blushing. “It….just came to me,” I replied nervously.
Mrs. Johnson took the paper and pinned it to the bulletin board under “Student Work”. She treats it like a great accomplishment to get your work put on the wall, but personally, I don’t see why it’s so special. But I go along with it and smile and then I take my seat to listen to what the other students came up with.
I glance over at my friend, Subject 49, or Robby, as he goes by in public. He winks at me and slides his paper over to me. It says: “In another life I would be a rich bastard that the whitecoats work for and torture innocent children and throw them away when I am done. Then, I would fire all of the whitecoats and kill myself because I think I’ve gone crazy because I hear the voices of the dead children I tortured in my head and they won’t go away.”
I stifle a giggle and write “haha good one. I hope you don’t get arrested now” and slide the paper back to him. He smiles at me then puts it away and pulls out the real one. We try not to laugh as we listen to the ridiculous stories of superheroes, models, pop stars, and all of these stupid Hollywood dreams as we wait for Robby’s name to be called.
Finally, after an eternity of waiting, Robby is called up to the front. I edge forward in my desk, eager to hear what he has to say. He clears his throat, stalling just to aggravate me, and begins. “I am Subject 49 and spend my time running from the whitecoats who created us. They created exactly 100 of us and trained us to kill. They wanted us to take over the world, but instead, we tried to find a place in it. So now they are hunting us down so they can get rid of us. The end.”
Mrs. Johnson looks at him with disapproval. “I see you and Taylor seemed to have forgotten that this was not a group assignment.” She sighed, “Oh well, you both still get A’s for creativity.”
I gave him a high-five as he headed back to his seat and waited for the bell to ring. Just as Mrs. Johnson was about to call up another student, I heard a familiar noise in the distance. I glanced at Robby to confirm my suspicion. The whitecoats were here. We could hear the helicopter’s propellers growing louder as they approached. The other kids heard too, and turned their heads towards the window to find a chopper landing in the courtyard. Robby and I rushed for the door on the opposite side of the room, leading into the hallway, just to be stopped by two whitecoats. We tried to push through them, but they just wouldn’t budge. We turned around and found whitecoats pouring into the classroom, heading straight towards us. Two of them grabbed me from behind, and two more jumped at Robby. The last thing we saw before we were dragged away was the shocked expressions of our classmates. This was it. This was the end. After all these years, we had been captured.
End of chapter
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139,425 Literary Works • 672,560 Reviews
I have to say, at first, when I started reading this, I thought, "Oh, well, it was an interesting premise, but the author is telling a summary, not a book." But then I noticed the quotation marks. As I kept reading, I realized how brilliant it was to do that the way you did. It was interesting to be caught up to speed in that way. A+ for a great start to the story. Also, I really like how with each chapter, you leave the reader in a continual state of suspense. Great start, and can't wait to read the rest!
Another Chapter List review for you and another 100 points for Team Blue's Clues.
The first paragraph was interesting here. By its style, I instantly knew it was a monologue, though for some reason I had missed the speech marks. Actually, I was kind of disappointed when I found out about the class. Even though it is 'real', the whole classroom situation makes things so awkward, especially with Subject 49.
The moment just after the monologue was good. The tension was built really well and the reaction was realistic, but after that, all downhill. The slipping in of the information about the bulletin board was good, but the rest of the chapter is a bit of a flop in all honesty.
Things just move way too fast. Even with the chapter being so short, the reader can barely take in whats happening before being whisked into the next thing. You barely get into the first location before the action starts happening. I'm like whoa when the whitecoats come as it's so unexpected and awkward.
I know that it's good to get into the action fast, but you've got to let the reader get to know the character/s first. The whole fact that I've only just 'met' the MC makes it even awkward. It's like having a stranger burst into your house begging for a place to hideout from his crazy ex.
What I recommend doing is move the part about the whitecoats coming to a later chapter and spend this chapter and maybe the next too getting into what Subject 47's life is like being a werewolf and hiding from the whitecoats. I don't even know if/how/when the werewolves transform into their wolf form.
Some questions to consider answering in the first few chapters: what is life like hiding from the whitecoats? What is all this werewolf business really about? How did Subject 47 meet Subject 49? Are they with anybody else? What are relations like at the school with the other students? How does Subject 47 feel about being a werewolf?
Even though it was too fast, the last paragraph itself wasn't too bad. The action and the final few sentences were good. I liked that, though the coming of the helicopter and the attack of the whitecoats could have been extended to pull in the reader even more. Really, the onyl good bits about this chapter are the first and last little snippets.
Grammar is all well and good. A few slip ups here and there, but nothing that's really worth commenting on. Spellchecker is for that kind of stuff, though Grammar Check isn't always accurate.
I definitely was disappointed by this chapter, though you do show promise. But as like any other skill, with writing, practice makes perfect. I hope this helps.
- noni >( ==)
Wow. Your action moves so fast it is hard to keep up with at times. It is o exciting that it keeps you on the edge of your seat. You might want to slow it down just a little and fill in more "pictures" of what is happening. I too would like to know more about your main character.I am beginning to tink, James Patterson, eat your heart out. This girl is very talented and creative and twist a corkscrew. It is facinating how brilliantly you describe your action scenes. I can't wait to read chaper two. Keep it coming..
I had to read on—it was irresistible!
Spelling and grammar:
Use of the apostrophe in "A's" is incorrect. It should not be used for the formation of plurals of capitals, only for the plurals of lowercase letters.
The "I stifle a giggle and write“haha good one. I hope you don’t get arrested now” and slide..." is incorrect. It should be: "I stifle a giggle and write, “Haha good one. I hope you don’t get arrested now,” and slide..." You wrote it as direct speech, so it should be formatted as such.
Some other critiques:
When they hear the helicopter landing, they run out and are immediately stopped by two whitecoats. Where did they come from if the helicopter had only just landed by the other door? And the "just" in that sentence could do well as an "only". I see you also have "just" in the sentence directly after that, so it is highly recommended to remove one.
Then there is the case of pushing through the whitecoats. They should not only have refused to budge, they should have grabbed at them or tried to incapacitate them. The main characters should also have treated it as a more desperate case by increasing their speed and violence as they attempt to fight the whitecoats.
Also, it was not quite clear that there were two doors to the class until you realise that there must be another entrance somewhere. Try to clarify that earlier on in the piece to avoid confusion.
You have very good style, but your character development needs some work, perhaps. I know that this is only the first chapter, but I would like to know if the main character is a girl or guy, what they look like etc. Perhaps give a clue like, "I ran a hand through my floppy brown hair," or maybe have a whitecoat grab the character's hair if Taylor is the surname of a girl. Just a clue is enough.
Great job! I enjoyed this!
You know, I think I liked this first Chapter more than I liked the Prologue. Now you really need to continue this book, I want to read all about it.
It reminded me of a mix of Maximum Ride (because she tries to fit into society while being chased by the people who created her) and Vladimir Tod (a vampire who had an oral to do about mythical creatures - he did vampire) but still sounded original. I like it!
You did a really good job with this - you are so talented - and I can't wait for Chapter 2!
We are instant fans
Thank you both for the support, and I'm working on Chapter 2 now
Well it needs to be finished so I can read it before I leave. This is an awesome story!
It just gets better and better!
haha thanks