z

Young Writers Society



Light & Dark

by NeitherHereNorThere


Note: This is something I just randomly started typing, so it is very flawed, and quite full of holes. So rip it to shreads!

Whispered lies in tales of old

Entangled, hidden truth remains,

A tale, a myth, a legend,

Of hero's yet discovered,

Through hell and back he'll come,

Astride his midnight horse,

Once the stars aligned,

But darkness tries to take him back,

For in darkness he was born,

Will light break through,

And hold him in her grasp,

Or will she perish,

By his own dark force within?

For if light dies so shall he,

Replaced by a shadow of past.

~The Writings of Sofar the Prophet

"Renshen stop!" She said pulling on his arm as hard as she could.

Renshen pushed her back roughly, making her stumble backwards a few feet before landing on her back. Catching her breathe she pleaded with him calling his name, but he did not respond.

He kept his hand firmly gripped around the younger man's neck, keeping his dagger against his throat. "I should cut out your tongue."

The man looked up at him in fear, "Sir...I...I did not mean any disrespect." He gasped for air, "I did not know the lady was taken, sir, I...apologize for my actions."

Renshen pushed the dagger into the man's neck slightly; blood trickled down the man’s neck. "Renshen! That's enough! He apologized. Now let’s go." Isra placed a hand on Renshen's, "It's not worth it, spare his life he learned his lesson." She spoke calmly but firmly.

Renshen let the man go. Sheathing the dagger he took her hand and kissed it lightly, "You are right my lady...I just did not like what he was insinuating."

"Just don't do it again...please Renshen."

"I will do my best my lady."

Walking out of the filthy tavern he helped her onto her mount before fetching his own horse. They urged their steeds forward at a canter until the village was out of sight.

“~”~”~”

Darkness, that's all that surrounded him. Smokey black abyss. His eyes burned, and smoke filled his lungs suffocating him with every breath he took.

Turning Renshen looked for any means through the dark fog but could see none. Adjusting his breathing he began to walk through the darkness.

There must be a way out. Find the light.

Light. It was his only hope, and his only weakness. Renshen knew that he was strongest with it. “You will find strength in your weakness”, the words of his mentor ringed through his ears. “Find the light in this world and never let it go.”

It had been hours since he had begun his journey and nothing had changed. Smoke clouded his lungs making it near impossible to breath, no some things had changed, and the smoke was growing thicker.

I must be near its source.

"Come, closer Renshen."

Renshen looked around looking for the voice's owner. But he could not see. He moved forward carefully placing each step. With every footfall the smoke grew more intense his eyes watered, and his lungs collapsed as he fell to the ashen ground.

He gasped for air but found none. Panic set in and he began to grasp for anything to pull himself back to his feet.

An ominous chuckle filled his ears, echoing in the dark cloud. "Embrace the darkness son, and become stronger than you will ever be."

Renshen could not bear the smoke any longer, the temptation of power...and life was too great. Nodding he managed to choke, "I accept."

The smoke uncoiled itself from his lungs and filled the air around him. Only this time when he took a breath the smoke did not harm him, he could breath. Standing, Renshen looked up, eyes black. "What will you have me do?"

"Take your blade and take out the light. Then my son you may live forever and have power beyond any mortal man."

“Renshen!” Light spoke, her voice soft but firm. Trying to call him away from darkness, he felt her hand on his shoulder, sending a warm wave through his skin. Drawing his sword he turned around, letting his swords pierce her flesh.

“~”~”~”

Ira gasped as blood filled her throat and ran down her side. Renshen stared at her blankly. Pulling his sword from her small form and tossed it aside and caught her in his arms as she fell to the ground.

“Ira…I..” There were no words he could say, he looked into her eyes hoping and praying this was all a nightmare. “Don’t you leave me.” He said, trying to apply pressure to her wound.

Smiling slightly she managed to move her hand over his and squeeze it slightly. Heart racing Renshen lightly held her hand as Light died in his arms.


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53 Reviews


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Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:31 am
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zohali93 wrote a review...



hi there. :)
I think that this part:


Whispered lies in tales of old
Entangled, hidden truth remains,
A tale, a myth, a legend,
Of hero's yet discovered,
Through hell and back he'll come,
Astride his midnight horse,
Once the stars aligned,
But darkness tries to take him back,
For in darkness he was born,
Will light break through,
And hold him in her grasp,
Or will she perish,
By his own dark force within?
For if light dies so shall he,
Replaced by a shadow of past.
~The Writings of Sofar the Prophet

would be better written in itallcs. It looks neater.

I love how this story began! So interesting. :)

Make sure to start those new speeches on a new line.

An ominous chuckle filled his ears, echoing in the dark cloud. "Embrace the darkness son, and become stronger than you will ever be."

Ths is an example of where how you were doing it. The word Embrace should start on it's own line.

This was an interesting peice although it kind of confuseed me as it moved from the first part to Renshen's part. It makes one wonder whats going on. But it's okay.
I do think that the death was a bit all of a sudden. Wasn't her name Isra and not Ira?




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Thu May 31, 2012 11:59 pm
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Shearwater wrote a review...



Hey there, NHNT!

I'm here to review, as requested. Now, I've read through your story and there are a few things you can still work on to improve it.

Firstly,


This is something I just randomly started typing, so it is very flawed, and quite full of holes. So rip it to shreads!

*Shreds, lol.
Also, you seem to be aware that it's flawed and full of holes so as courtesy to your reviewers it would be nice if you could go back and review your work to check for spelling errors and grammatical things to the best of your ability before you post on YWS. It makes it easier for us readers to focus on critiquing your story and form instead of watching out for the grammatical/punctuation side. Stella mentioned a great article by Demeter so hopefully you'll be able to utilize it.

Now, onto your story. Besides the grammar and punctuation, I found that your writing was a bit scattered. It lacked a proper foundation. You had that snippet of a prophecy in the beginning that outlined what your story was going to be about but it didn't work as a strong foundation. It was very wordy and a deep dive into your story which you might have kept as a 'hook' but it did the opposite and wasn't very reeling for me.

What a good short story needs is a proper introduction, a hook, and you have to be wary of the way you characterize your characters. Because it's so short every word counts and you have to chose your scenes and words carefully to really blow some air into your characters to make them real. I didn't understand your characters at all, honestly. I didn't even really care about them because there was nothing I could connect with and they were just puppets in a play. Granted, I found your personification of light vs dark interesting but the rest of the story was just there.

As for the middle scene, I didn't get it. Were they in a fire? What's up with the 'need for power' aspect of it? You didn't mention anything his character wanting power in the beginning and all of a sudden he wanted power and to live. There wasn't any string of events that connected to one and another and you didn't give us an explanation.

Don't be afraid to make this longer and add in more scenes to explain your characters, the motifs, the prophecy and really everything else you can. You don't necessarily have to stuff the turkey but put in what's necessary and provide an explanation to what's going on and the prophecy behind the characters while at the same time keeping that intentional vagueness. Shorty stories aren't easy and because of the restrictive length, it can prove to be quite difficult to get out everything you want to say.

Overall, it was okay but I think it can be made better given the time. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM.

-Pink






All of the grammar errors and misspellings were fixed but when I hit submit it did not do anything....a glitch from remodeling the site perhaps? Its quite vexing!!



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Wed May 30, 2012 6:39 pm
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Stellabeam says...



Because my last post was such a fail.

Sooo, are you going to make this story longer? If you do you will have a phenomenal story, the plot doesn't work for something this short. But I’ll give you two scenarios on how to improve this work.

Short Story Scenario

Get rid of the prophecy in the beginning. It gives the reader the false impression that this is a longer story than it is.
You need an introduction before you jump straight into the action. Who are the characters and what’s up with the guy that Renshen was going to kill? It’s almost like I opened a book from the middle and I started reading. Very confusing. This is especially important in short stories. The intro doesn’t have to be long, just tell us who she is, who he is and why they are traveling together.
The second part of this is really confusing. When and why does Renshen go into a trance? Was he going on a quest or something? You also need to make Dark tempt him a little more have Dark show him the power he will have enough to have him wanting more. Maybe make Renshen try to resist a little before he gives in to temptation.
I like the idea of Ira being light; but if she’s light who’s dark? If you personify Light personify Dark as well, to make the ideas even.

Longer Story Scenario

If you make this story longer make it a story with a couple chapters or several pages long. You have the potential to make this story idea into a novel/book. The story idea is amazing and you could go into so many different directions with it turning it into something much, much more. If you make this into a way longer story or a book keep the prophecy and expand on it to include other stories ideas you have. Add a complete background for each of the characters. Make a quest they go on and have Reshen turn evil and start destroying things until someone stops him. Or maybe he doesn’t get stopped and the world is taken over by evil and you end the story like that.
I would REALLY REALLY like if you expanded on this story, I’m completely hooked. I will help you every step of the way and review all your chapters and help you brainstorm. I would even be your co-author if you didn’t want to write it all by yourself. Contact me!!!

~Stella(beam)




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Wed May 30, 2012 6:36 pm
Stellabeam wrote a review...



Sooo, are you going to make this story longer? If you do you will have a phenomenal story, the plot doesn't work for something this short. But I’ll give you two scenarios on how to improve this work.
Short Story Scenario
Get rid of the prophecy in the beginning. It gives the reader the false impression that this is a longer story than it is.
You need an introduction before you jump straight into the action. Who are the characters and what’s up with the guy that Renshen was going to kill? It’s almost like I opened a book from the middle and I started reading. Very confusing. This is especially important in short stories. The intro doesn’t have to be long, just tell us who she is, who he is and why they are traveling together.
The second part of this is really confusing. When and why does Renshen go into a trance? Was he going on a quest or something? You also need to make Dark tempt him a little more have Dark show him the power he will have enough to have him wanting more. Maybe make Renshen try to resist a little before he gives in to temptation.
I like the idea of Ira being light; but if she’s light who’s dark? If you personify Light personify Dark as well, to make the ideas even.
Longer Story Scenario
If you make this story longer make it a story with a couple chapters or several pages long. You have the potential to make this story idea into a novel/book. The story idea is amazing and you could go into so many different directions with it turning it into something much, much more. If you make this into a way longer story or a book keep the prophecy and expand on it to include other stories ideas you have. Add a complete background for each of the characters. Make a quest they go on and have Reshen turn evil and start destroying things until someone stops him. Or maybe he doesn’t get stopped and the world is taken over by evil and you end the story like that.
I would REALLY REALLY like if you expanded on this story, I’m completely hooked. I will help you every step of the way and review all your chapters and help you brainstorm. I would even be your co-author if you didn’t want to write it all by yourself. Contact me!!!

~Stella(beam)




Stellabeam says...


Ahh!!!!! It deleted my paragraphs and bold letters! I'm so sorry now it's going to be so hard to read. I'll re-post



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Wed May 30, 2012 4:21 am
Stellabeam says...



I will review this when I have time. This needs proper attention from me. I see you've meet StellaThomas, don't get us confused now ;)




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Tue May 29, 2012 10:38 pm
Gumball wrote a review...



I'd like to say I really liked this, but there were some spelling errors and simple mistakes:

"Catching her BREATHE" should have been, "Catching her BREATH"
"The words of his mentor RINGED" should have been, "The words of his mentor RUNG"
"Nearly impossible to BREATH" should have been, "Nearly impossible to BREATHE"
"He could BREATH" should have been, "He could BREATHE"

Other than that, it was really, really well done! It was sad at the end, though :(




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Tue May 29, 2012 9:53 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey there, Stella here!

Of hero's yet discovered,


heroes

"Renshen stop!" She said pulling on his arm as hard as she could.


I strongly recommend reading this article on punctuation within dialogue and learning how to do it properly.

Catching her breathe she pleaded with him calling his name, but he did not respond.


breath

Turning Renshen looked for any means through the dark fog but could see none.


comma after turning.

"Come, closer Renshen."


Always comma before or after names when addressing someone.

Okay, so this is an interesting concept you have about light and dark and their personifications! But it needs a little work.

Connections- I can't see how these scenes are connected at all. What has the first one got to do with anything? Is the middle one a flashback? And when does the third take place in connection to the other two? You have an interesting concept and the structure is sound with beginning-middle-end but right now, it's not fitting together to make any sort of sense. Why does Renshen have this power? What sort of power is it? Who is Ira (or Isra? Which is the right one? Are they two separate people)? I'm just not seeing the plot emerging from here.

Character- Renshen, who is he, why does he have the power, who is Ira, how are they connected, what did the boy in the tavern do, where are they going? Your characters are just words on a page right now, you need to expand them if you want people to be interested in them. Ira seems like the one who's supposed to be gaining our sympathies, but right now she's just a whimpering mess, and Renshen is just cruel and power-hungry. I don't care about either of them. Expand them, make us care! Then you'll have a much stronger story.

Overall, this is a really interesting concept but it needs work on making sense and keeping us interested.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x






Sorry I typed this up on my Kindle and I am still getting used to the keyboard.
I have no idea who Renshen or Ira are all I know is that I started typing in my sleep. Thus the errors. I just thought I would post it before editing it, if I ever do.

It is a short story therefore its short and I don't like info dumping.

Ira not Isra- Sorry keyboard mistake.

Thanks for your review! I loved it!

Scenes: The first one is the characters in the tavern, and then leaving (who knows where!) The middle is a nightmare of sorts that Renshen is having, thus skipping to the third scene. Where if you look connects to the nightmare.

NHNT




When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann