Young Writers Society

Hello!

Some nitpicks:

Could I ever find happiness? What would be the point? A time of fleeting pleasure to be forgotten as I rot in the grave? Is it all so pointless? Why should I not race to the finish?

You've overdone it. One question standing out on its own will always be more effective that five questions jumbled together.

These questions I ask as the glow of a

The order of this sentence is awkward. Try rephrasing it

I call her mine, but who am I to call her such? I'm the guy with the dope, the guy with her next fix, she says she cares but does she? Am I her love or is heroin the true Romeo to the Juliet of her heart?

Again, you've overdone it. The second sentence could easily lose the question mark. ie- 'I'm the guy with the dope, the guy with her next fix. She says she cares, but I have a hard time believing it.'

Overall~

I like this. A lot actually. The atmosphere you've created (in my head, at least) is smoky and mysterious and captivating. The thing is, I think the story comes to its conclusion way too fast. It's as if you took 2 hours to write the beginning and 5 minutes to wrap it all up. The bit about the girl saving his life was weak, in my opinion. She saved his life by telling him 'not just yet' one time? Because that's all the reader has to go on, and if they're heroin addicts (I'm assuming so), then I have a hard time believing that that one time affected him THAT much, you know? Give us more. Expand on what you have here because it's GOOD, but it can become GREAT.

One more thing because this bit didn't sit right with me-

“Don't tell me what to do bitch.”

It's so out of step with his thoughts and it makes his character less real.


I hope this was helpful. If you want to talk more about this piece, I'd love to!

Here I am, as requested! A few specific comments as I read through first:

1. So many questions! You don't want to start by throwing so many questions at your reader as it's very disconcerting and doesn't pull them into the story. You're much better off choosing one and focusing on that, building tension and suspence around it. Then if you really need the others, lead into them later.

Or if you really want to keep the questions, spread them out more. Give your reader a chance to think about each before the next comes along.

2.

The smell of steaming heroin wafts through the air and brings sickly pleasure to my nostrils.

But what does it smell like? Do some research, read some first person accounts and add in those details that are going to put your reader in the narrator's shoes. I find this scene quite difficult to connect with because I've never done drugs myself but if you do a little research and build the atmosphere, you should be able to give us an impression of what it would be like. Try to avoid vague phrasing like 'sickly pleasure' because there's nothing we can connect with that. It doesn't provoke any of our senses and leaves the scene feeling a little flat.

3. The tone of voice is very calm for someone taking heroin. I get the feeling he's a regular user so either he's on a down from his last high or the drug is still simmering in his system. I want to be able to feel that and see it. I want to see see more paranoia and more difficulty to think straight. I'd like to see your narrator's voice reflect his actions - like when you watch a movie about people taking drugs, it's crazy. It's difficult to follow and there are strange camera angles or time loops. Why not experiment with that stuff here, it could produce some really cool effects.

4.

“Not so much darling.” The girl mutters and stutters as a needle falls from her own drug weakened grasp and bounces lightly upon the floor.

Just a quick comment on description. It's key details that really make a piece and I love the image of the syringe bouncing across the floor, but what kind of floor is it? Wood? Stone? Mosaic tiles? That extra piece of information is what makes a piece come alive.

5. Beautifully written ending. It's dark and powerful, all except perhaps that last line. I felt that detracted from it quite a bit, suddenly stepping up to talking of angels and heaven. It doesn't fit with the rest of the tone and it undermines your previous lines.

Description

Most of the time you're spot on! I'd maybe like the odd extra details here and there, perhaps a bit more work with the senses as I'm not getting much of a feel for the room they're in. Is it dark, cold, light, warm? There's not a lot to go off or not a lot that sticks in the reader's mind if you do mention any of it. Maybe slip in a line about the wallpaper or mention something to do with the furniture. Just to give us a small feel for what's going on outside the circle of action we're privy to.

Characterisation

Good work for such a brief piece. I actually felt the girl was more outlined than your main character though, her actions and lines of dialogue toward the end really gave her life for me. Your male character on the other hand could have used a few more insights, clues as to who he is, who he might have been. Thoughts, paranoia. I don't know. I just felt that you could have done more with him.

Plot

It's straight forward, it isn't overly moral and judgemental and it's powerful. Very nicely done there.

Overall

I liked this, more than I expected to when I first started reading but you really captured something toward the end. What I would say is try to make your beginning as powerful as your ending. You've shown you can do it, so what's with all those questions and the slow start? Jump straight in there. Go right into his head and begin with some strong visuals and powerful emotions.

You've got something good going on here, it just needs a little more work. Send me a pm if you've got any questions or would like me to take a second look,

Heather xxx

Hi Prince,
Tobes with your requested review!
First of all, pros! Everyone loves them!

Grammar and spelling.
Your grammar and spelling was excellent, there was no real flaws, except the flame belongs to the lighter in the 2nd paragraph, so that should be lighter's.

Word use
I noticed your word use is very good.
It was actually the first thing I noticed which is good because it can lure a person in.

Characters. Well, they don't play a big role, so it was hard.
But I'm not sure about this sentence:

"Don't tell me what to do bitch." I pause and draw the murky liquid into the syringe. "Fucking hypocrite."

This just sounds strange to me and is terribly unbelievable. Not because of the swearing but simply because this person just suddenly yells at the girl and it sounds funny.
You could just change it too "Don't tell me what to do" and get rid of the hypocrite and the bitch part.
Just an idea.

Cons!
Description.
It wasn't very good. You had excellent word use but not a great deal of description.
You don't get a feel for what's around them.
Where are they?
This may give room for the reader to create their own world but the reader has nothing to work with.
Try and describe where they are.
Other then that there was pretty much no cons!

Overall:
Great idea and you carried it out well. Wonderful word use and grammar but not so wonderful description. So maybe change what the man says to the woman and just go through and read it just once more.
My Tobes rating: 8 & 1/2 out of 10.
******** 1/2 / **********

It you need anything.
Give me a hoy.

Hey Emm, Stella here!

First of all, a nitpick.

a lighters flame dances

lighter's

Okay, so this is a really interesting concept, and I like the idea of there being this spark of hope at the end of a better life. The thing is, I didn't find your narrator a particularly convincing addict. Firstly, the use of the word 'heroin' and 'opiates', his seemingly detached view of his situation all seemed unnatural, seemed like the writer's words rather than those of the narrator. I wasn't convinced that this was a man ruined by heroin because he couldn't stop himself. There was no sense of need when it came to the drugs, no sense of leaving everything else behind for them. And yes, you can do this however you like, you don't need to write such things in any particular style. I've never been an addict, I don't know what it's like. But I didn't find the, "Well, I'm a hopeless case anyway, let's overdose" side of this convincing at all. I think you need to work on the voice, make him sound more desperate. The same goes for the girl, who seems extremely clear-headed and on the ball for someone who was lying on the ground in a stupor only a few moments before.

Your atmosphere is great! The only addition to it that I would make is more descriptions of the setting. I wasn't clear on that.

Overall, you have a great concept, you just need to work a bit on the presentation

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x