Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
This is a beautiful piece of poetry. One that I thoroughly enjoyed, and it is no easy task to impress me. But you YWS-ers have shown talent!
Shall I compare love to a delightful song?
Everything in bold is what I would change, you however can decide what you will do with it!
Spoiler
A melody to sweeten thy gentle heart,
Enjoy it though as it does not last for long,
It comes to an end but will always restart.
It can never be truly ignored nor seen,
It lingers in the air all around us,
Harmonious, it purges a whole scene,
And without hardly any sign of a fuss.
But it fades away so very rapidly,
Withering away and out of our mind,
It trails off with the soul so happily,
Yet our hearts will forever be entwined.
So if by cruel death we are divided,
Remember this in which I confided.
Perhaps add two more lines so that it will match? It is good with or without the lines that could go here, its just a thought though.
Thank you for your comment! i really appreciate the feed back. But this is a sonnet so the last two lines are meant to be just two lines because that's the way Shakespeare structured his sonnets. Thank you for the feed back though!!
Oh a sonnet! I haven't seen many people attempting sonnets around here so bravo for that because it's a very difficult format to write in! I always flounder when it comes to the last two lines and trying to concrete my arguement or turn it on its head. I'm like argh, why didn't I think about this at the start? Haha, one day I might actually learn how to write them properly.
But anyway! I shall try to give you some specific feedback first and then move on to a few more general comments at the end:
Shall i compare love to a delightful song? [Okay so this is pretty reminiscent of a few Shakespere sonnets, which I like, but you need to get the rhythm right. Sonnets are written in iambic pentameter which is ten syllables with a da DUM da DUM da DUM beat. The word that's breaking your flow here is 'delightful'! It's a syllable too long so maybe try 'golden' or 'piper's'.]
A melody to sweeten thy gentle heart, [You're a syllable out here too! Try: 'A melody to sweeten gentle hearts' which will also make the rhyme with restart that little bit more subtle too. Always a good thing!]
Enjoy it though as it does not last for long, [A syllable out again! But I'll stop bugging you about this now and let you look through yourself. You just need to tighten the flow up in places so be sure to count each line and there should be ten. Sometimes you can afford to be one over or under but it flows better if you have the exact amount.]
It comes to an end but will always restart.
It can never be truly ignored nor seen, [The double negative use or 'nor' here sounds silly. Maybe you're trying to be archaic but honestly, you don't need to and or would be much better.]
It lingers in the air all around us,
Harmonious, it purges a whole scene, [I like the whole seen versus scene thing. That's cool.]
And without hardly any sign of a fuss.
Alright so I think you get a bit rambly in the next stanza and it isn't until the end couplet that you really make a point. I like the end couplet (just fix the rhythm up, okay?) but there needs to be more to your stanzas. It seems to take you twelve lines to say 'love doesn't last for very long but actually it lasts forever' which would fine if you were using conceits or clever imagery, but this poem is a little short on those. Try reading a few more sonnets and try to copy the way they frame their arguements - or look up what a conceit is as that would fit in perfectly. Oh - read 'The Flea' by John Donne. He's really good at conceits and arguements.
Let me know if you have any questions and good luck with the poetry,
Heather xxx
Thank you for the advise i will be sure to use it. This was my first sonnet for a school thing where we were given a writing frame. But i will try to write more based on what you have said.
Bravo! This is amazing! Maybe someone more experienced with poetry can give a more expert idea, but I think it's great. Only thing I can tell you is to maybe play around with the stanzas so they give more emphasis on certain words and phrases.
Thank you so much!! i was really nervous about putting my first piece on and you have really helped!! Thnx again!!