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Young Writers Society



Prologue

by DudeMcGuy


This is a re-up of a work I posted before. It has been edited and tweaked based on the comments of the YWS. Rated 18+ for scenes of violence.

Prologue

To those who still care for this world,

I fear for all kingdoms in these dark times. Zegentia stands on the cusp of a new age. As of this writing, only a single land remains unsettled by mankind. Those from my region have named it Alecrast, the forsaken isle. The mountainous island lies only half a day west from the main continent of Regnashel. In earlier years, few adventurers dared to visit its shores, and those who did rarely returned. The dark land is home to many ferocious creatures that mankind can never hope to tame. As you know, the most feared of these monsters is the beast of legend; the dragon.

However, the creatures are not demonic as you believe them to be. Though they are savage in appearance, the dragons’ intelligence rivals that of our own. They developed their own social structures and traditions long before we mastered even the simplest of governments. Their culture has grown in harmony with nature, whereas our kind has attempted to conquer it. The beasts consider Alecrast to be the only soil that remains untainted by our hands, and they will scorch and devour any ill-fated soul foolish enough to trespass on their sacred land. Only a few men have escaped to speak of the horror there. As I write this, I know that the tales of these man-eating beasts have spread throughout the world. The seed of hate between man and dragon was sown long ago, watered by the rivers of fear and death.

I live here on the western edge of Regnashel, in the small nation of Alisator. We are a young country, surrounded by kingdoms much larger and more powerful. But we are protected by sea and mountains, isolated from those who wish to destroy us. The resources they might commit to our extinction greatly exceed their potential gains.

Our people do not worry of such things. Their fears are born from beast rather than from man. The eastern shores of the forsaken isle are visible from here on a clear day. Our nation’s proximity to Alecrast spawned a cloud of terror that has loomed over the entire kingdom since its foundation. It was not until four years ago that my king, his majesty Wymark V, decided to take action by calling for the annihilation of every dragon on Alecrast.

The decree was made immediately following the funeral of Wymark VI, first son and heir to the throne. Our nation mourned for the prince, who was still a child when he perished. The cause of his premature death was never made known to the people, but I and many others witnessed a fire in the royal chambers the night he died. His majesty’s unexpected announcement sparked rumors that our fire breathing neighbors were responsible for the deed. Within a single day, centuries of fear was replaced by passionate hatred. It was a hatred manifested from the love of our former prince and pride in our country.

By now you know his majesty has declared that any man who presents him with the head of a dragon will be granted entry into the castle treasury. They are permitted to leave with whatever they are able to carry. I know this because I carried the order, not just to my people, but to your kingdoms as well. Surely word of this has spread to all the nations of Zegentia, as vessels from many distant lands arrive on the shores of Alecrast daily. The wise men of Alisator have already named this part of our history “The Dragon Purge”.

But such an act will only lead to our destruction. Even if they are spared from death, our children will grow old in a world intolerant of anything or anyone that wields power greater than they. I know this will seem a fool’s request, but I beg of you none the less. We must not allow the eradication of our intellectual equals! Though they are beasts, we must find some way to exist alongside the dragons. We can come to an understanding and forgive the wrongs we have committed against each other.

But I fear this message will arrive far too late. How did it come to this? A time when murder has replaced justice; when man attempts to destroy his fears rather than reconcile with them. The morality of this world is falling into an abyss from which it can never emerge. Perhaps if the prophet Cima had not been banished, we could have avoided such a fate.

I implore you O great nations! Send your armies! With each passing day his majesty slips further into madness. His eyes look upon the slain creatures’ skulls as if they are conquered countries. I have served this man since the day he was born, and it pains me to betray him so. But I would sooner see my own country burn, than witness all of Zegentia lost in hate and war in the years to come. Please, end Wymark’s life, for he will soon learn of my treachery and have me hung for all to see. Do not allow the spirit of humanity to be tainted as his Majesty’s has become.

Actoris Vortigern,

Servant, knight, and friend to his Majesty Wymark V of Alisator. 2795 N.D.

----------------------------------------------------------

The year was 2816 N.D. Six hours through the third night of rain and lightning on the western isle of Alecrast. Those who sought the wealth of Alisator pursued a young dragon near the east end of the island; a common sight in the days of dragon purging. Earlier that night, the group of over a hundred men had attacked the beasts’ lair, forcing the creatures dwelling there to scatter in different directions. The fire dragon that fled to the east was the youngest of his kin. The fifteen year old beast was called Shin-ryu. He was as large as a full grown bear; one fourth the size of a full grown fire dragon.

With the rain becoming heavier, Shin-ryu stumbled down the muddy slopes on the east side of the mountain. He found himself unable to fly due to damage he sustained during the raid. His left wing was broken; crushed by rocks when the cave collapsed around him. His only remaining option was to retreat into the tall grass at the east end of the island. He entered the grass and briefly glanced behind him to count his pursuers. The dragon already killed two men when he escaped, but seven more chased him into the field.

Shin-ryu kept his body low and hidden in the tall grass as he ran from the hunters. However the beast could not dash at full speed with his wing dragging on the ground. He breathed heavily as the wind blew the rain into his face. The cold air chilled his dark-red scales as the wet grass lashed against his legs.

He heard the hunters’ footsteps close behind him. His injury allowed them to match his pace, but they lacked the speed needed to overtake him. The dragon knew he would eventually arrive at the island’s edge if he continued to run into the wind. If he could reach the ocean, the dark waters would conceal him until morning. Shin-ryu heard the sound of arrows flying over his head as he sprinted east.

Three arrows found their mark, and the beast roared as the cold iron tips pierced his side. He staggered and caught himself on a stone to his left. He told himself to move, but his body did not obey. It was not until this moment that he became aware of the reality of his situation. The creature felt anguish and sorrow for those he had lost on the mountain. His limbs trembled as he looked to the sky and silently prayed to his ancestors for strength. The storm clouds ignored him, and a flash of lightning briefly blinded the dragon as he was forced to look away.

The beast knew the men would soon be upon him, and he ignored his pain as he stood. The hunters whistled and shouted at each other as they began to encircle him, but the dragon lumbered forward to escape their perimeter. Determined to survive, he sprinted ahead even faster than before. He would not allow them the satisfaction of murdering the last of his family.

After laboring through his agony, Shin-ryu finally arrived at the end of the field. Although the dragon could not see the ocean, he heard the waves crashing against the beach ahead of him. Even the downpour of rain could not obscure the salty scent from his nose.

He exited the brush as a bolt of lightning briefly lit the land. The sudden glimpse of the surrounding area forced Shin-ryu to come to a halt. He arrived at the ocean, but found himself standing atop a cliff high above the sea. The dragon knew he would not survive the fall.

Shin-ryu sensed the men drawing closer as he turned back to the field. The footsteps became soft; replaced by the faint sound of laughter. He breathed heavily as his claws sank into the mud. The dragon, now trapped between the men ahead and the cliff behind, realized the hunters intended for him to reach this place from the outset of the chase. Escape was no longer an option. The beast’s survival now hinged on his ability to fight off his pursuers. Their laughter grew louder in his ears.

Following his instinct, Shin-ryu let out a roar of anger that reverberated for miles around, but the men continued to laugh at him as they hid in the field. Furious and exhausted, the dragon pondered their tactics. Were they simply waiting for him to die? The creature still possessed enough strength to kill the men despite a broken wing and three arrows in his left side.

The hunters’ laughter gradually changed to curses. Shin-ryu did not understand each insult, but he knew their intent. They were baiting him into making the first move. The dragon became enraged and let out another roar as his throat began to burn.

Cowards! he thought.

The beast’s anger had reached its limit. He was brutally attacked and humiliated, chased from his home, and now found himself standing in death’s shadow. The men sharpened their blades as they continued to shout intimidating curses at him. The smoke fumed out from his nostrils.

Without warning, a man charged Shin-ryu from the right. The beast instinctively opened his mouth and shot out a stream of fire and ash towards the field. The foolish man screamed and stumbled forward as he became completely engulfed by the flames. Shin-ryu launched his tail into the hunter and pinned him to the ground while he burned. The man’s entire body shook as the heavy rain suppressed the fire. The dragon then lifted his tail off the blackened corpse and buried his right claw deep into the man’s neck to finish the kill. He turned his head back to the field before tossing the body over the ledge behind him. He let out another roar and the hunters fell completely silent.

Shin-ryu was confident that his display of force was enough to intimidate them, and he was relieved when he heard steel hitting the ground. But something seemed amiss; they did not run as he expected them to. He still could not see the hunters, but he sensed their presence. The dragon heard the men moving slowly behind the grass, but there was no more laughter or cursing. Shin-ryu became puzzled by their actions once again.

Why do they not flee? he thought. Did they not just witness me kill their comrade?

By the time he understood their plan it was too late. The men spread their formation into a half circle while still remaining hidden from him. Each man set up a direct line of sight on the beast. The sound of tightening bowstrings preceded the crack of thunder.

The arrows flew from the grass like bees exiting a hive. Shin-ryu was helpless as arrow after arrow penetrated his scaled skin. He shot out a burst of flame towards the grass, but the men were too far away and the rain was too heavy. The arrows continued to fly as the dragon shielded his body with his right wing and front legs. Shin-ryu soon felt the last of his strength leave him and let out a loud cry as he collapsed to the ground.

“Cease fire!” shouted someone from behind the grass.

Over a dozen arrows pierced the dragon in only a few seconds. He heard the hunters rearming themselves while he gasped for air. They slowly stepped out from behind the grass as another arrow flew out and struck Shin-ryu in his right eye. He cried out in pain and flailed his claws wildly before falling to the ground for a second time. Shin-ryu coughed out a mix of ash and small embers as he laid there, no longer able to move. The hunters began to laugh again as the blood dripped down his body and mixed with the water at his feet.

The six remaining men stood in a circle around the dragon. Shin-ryu knew his flames could incinerate all of them from this distance. It was his last chance, and he had to try. He felt the heat in his stomach accumulating as he weakly lifted his head off the ground.

But the men were prepared for his desperation. The hunter standing directly in front of him revealed a long metal spike from his belt. He thrust the jagged metal into the top of the dragon’s mouth the instant Shin-ryu tilted his head upward. The spike penetrated bone, tore through the tongue and lower jaw, and wedged into the ground.

The dragon felt an intense pain surge throughout his entire body. The spike pinned his head to the ground and prevented him from opening his jaws. The man drove the metal further into the ground with his heel while the others held the dragon’s tail and tied him down. The ropes they used were imbedded with small, sharp metal fragments that cut Shin-ryu when he struggled. The men restrained him in mere seconds. Their speed and accuracy proved they had done this many times before. Shin-ryu’s vision began to blur in his remaining eye.

With all of his weapons neutralized, the dragon was no longer a threat to the men. His sight was barely clear enough to see two of the hunters pushing and shoving each other over a large two-handed axe, arguing over who would deal the final blow. The other four men mocked and kicked him while they removed their arrows. They left the bolt that pierced the dragon’s eye, as it had penetrated too deep to be removed. Shin-ryu was too weak to feel the pain of the notched metal being ripped from his flesh.

Knowing there was nothing else he could do; Shin-ryu’s heart fell into despair. His physical suffering now matched his sorrow. Finish me and be done with it! he thought. Mother, Father, I’m sorry. Tears poured from his left eye, blood from his right.

The largest of the six men approached the dragon with the axe. He placed his right foot on Shin-ryu’s neck and shifted his entire weight down on the creature, tapping the blade where he intended to strike. The man was very strong; it would only take one blow to finish it. The hunter lifted the axe behind his head as Shin-ryu closed his eye and braced himself for the end.

In that moment, as if willed by the gods, an iron spear fell from the sky and impaled the man with the axe. The eight foot pike passed through the hunter’s heart and sank into the mud underneath him. The man let out a wild scream as he dropped his weapon and fell to the ground.

Seconds later, Shin-ryu opened his eye to see a hooded man fall from the sky and land feet first on the hunter’s chest. The mysterious man fell from the same angle as the spear, his metal boots crushing the hunter’s rib cage on impact. The hooded figure quickly dislodged his bloody weapon from the executioner and threw it into another hunter’s stomach. With no wasted motion he swiftly drew his sword and engaged the remaining four men. Shin-ryu kept his eye fixated on his savior, but he soon lost consciousness as the sound of clashing steel echoed in his ears.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Shin-ryu awoke to the smell of salt and the sound of birds. The sun shined through the last few grey clouds that passed by. The dragon soon gained his bearings and realized he had not moved from the cliff where he lost consciousness. His wounds were treated; the ropes and metal spike used to bind him were gone, and his right eye lid was sewn shut with a cloth material. He possessed the strength to move, but his pain was still too great. His left wing remained limp and unresponsive. The dragon saw no signs of his attackers, but the one who had saved his life sat directly in front of him at the edge of the field. The man gazed ahead into the dragon’s eye.

Shin-ryu observed the man carefully. His cloak was removed and placed beside him along with his spear, sword, and recently acquired battle axe. The weapons appeared to be cleaned from the night before. The man was an outcast with a rough look about him. His body, strong by human standards, displayed scars running all across his chest, arms, and back. Judging by the size of the marks, the majority were inflicted by the beasts of Alecrast. Unkempt blonde hair reached down to his lower back and his clothes were worn and stained with mud. Despite his wild appearance, the man seemed to have an intelligent presence about him.

The two stared at each other for several minutes. As the ocean breeze blew, the man attempted to break the long awkward silence.

“Are you...alright?” he asked.

But the dragon did not respond.

“A dragon heals at over ten times the rate of a human being,” he said.

His words were met with only silence from Shin-ryu.

The man let out a deep sigh. “Do you even understand my words creature?” Upon finishing his sentence, the man heard a voice.

“Why?”

Startled by the noise, the man stood and looked around himself to find the speaker.

“Why?” the voice repeated.

The man could not locate the source of the sound. “Who is there? Reveal yourself!” he shouted as he turned towards the tall grass.

“I am here,” answered the voice.

The man slowly turned back to the dragon. He noticed a bright green glow emanating from the creature’s eye.

The voice continued on, “Why would you kill your own kind...for the sake of another?”

The man now understood that the creature could speak directly into his mind. He hesitantly responded to

Shin-ryu, “I have always lived my life by helping anyone in need...whether they are my kind or any other.”

“So you did it out of pity then?” asked the dragon.

“No,” the man replied. He looked towards the sky. “I helped you...because I would want the same done for me.”

The dragon became silent once again as the green light in its eye faded away.

“Well, you should be alright from here. I’ll be on my way then.” The man gathered his belongings and headed towards the field. He took only a few steps when he heard the voice again.

“Thank you,” said the dragon.

The man quickly turned around. “W-What?”

“Thank you,” the dragon repeated as he lifted his head off the ground.

“N-No one has ever... told me that before,” he said.

The dragon’s eye glowed as it spoke again. “Who are you?”

The man fought off tears, “I do not have a name,” he said, “and I cannot remember my family. I ... I have lived on this island for many years, taking from those who hunt your kind.” He fell to his knees as the ocean breeze picked up again. He began to shake as the sun retreated behind the clouds.

A few moments passed by before the dragon spoke again. “I know of your pain,” he said. “I am now without family as well.”

The man stared at the ground. “So...what will you do?”

Another awkward pause was eventually broken by the dragon. “I have decided to give my life in service to another.”

“Who?” the man asked.

The dragon stood and focused his gaze on the man. “I will serve the only human in this world who believes I should still draw breath.” The beast bowed his head. “My name is Shin-ryu. In return for saving my life I wish to become your servant.”

The man did not believe what he heard. “Y-You wish to serve me?” he asked as he looked at the creature. “But I am human...and you are a dragon!”

Shin-ryu approached him slowly as the sun peeked through the clouds. “It matters not that we are of different kind. I learned this lesson from you. This is the decision I have made. If you agree to this pact then I will serve you until one of us returns to Zegentia.”

“I saved your life,” the man said. “Why are you so eager to turn it over to me?”

“This is the way of things in my culture,” answered the dragon. “If a being is granted life by another, then they must repay the one who did so.”

A period of silence passed by before the man spoke again. “Shin-ryu, I am not sure if I fully understand, but...is this really what you want?”

“It is,” the dragon answered.

The man rose to his feet and came face to face with the creature. “Then Shin-ryu, I accept you as my servant.”

“Thank you, master.”

“M...master?” the man said quietly.

The dragon looked at the man curiously; wondering why the human still hesitated while speaking with him.

“Shin-ryu, I have a task for you.”

“What is it? I will do whatever you wish,” said the dragon.

The man felt the heat of the dragon’s mouth on his face. “Your first task as my servant is to give me a name.”

“A name? I am to give you a name?” the beast inquired.

“Yes,” the man answered. “As I told you before, I do not have a name. I have wished for one for many years. But a person cannot simply choose a name. It is something that must be given to you by another.”

“I understand,” replied Shin-ryu. “The human word for my kind is...dragon...therefore..."

The man stared into the dragon’s eye and saw the light beginning to form. He then lowered his head and listened for the voice in his mind. He eventually heard Shin-ryu say, “You will be called Dragoon...man of the Great Serpents.”

This ends the account of the first Dragoon.


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11 Reviews


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Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:49 pm
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Javshanidze wrote a review...



The story is interesting. It expresses humans from other side really well. It would be good if we conquered our demons and lived in harmony with "dragons".


keep up the good work!




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Thu May 31, 2012 3:52 pm
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Rubric wrote a review...



I quite enjoyed this piece, though in reality it is two, rather than one. the initial letter is great, because it combines exposition witha tangible characterisation on the part of the letter-writer (I touch on the danger of this in regards to religious language later on). The second part is interesting, and there's clearly a budding dragon-rider partnership that's developing there. I'm intrigued at the origin of Dragoon, and if I was to take a punt, I'd say he's the prince, but maybe that isn't important. As I said I enjoyed the piece, what follows is a break-down, point by point, of my critique. If you have any questions or a respons, feel free to write it on my Will Review For Food page, as commenting here would increase the review count for your work and make it less likely that others will choose to engage with it.

"And they will scorch and devour"
Beginning a sentence with "and" is not always a bad thing, but in this case you should merge it with the previous one with a comma.

"The resources they must commit to our extinction far exceed their gain."
"their" hangs a bit loosely in this sentence, if that makes sense. maybe it would read more clearly if it became a potential threat: "The resources they might commit to our extinction greatly exceeds potential gains."

"Our nation’s proximity to Alecrast spawned a cloud of terror"
Was the terror "spawned", or has it been there as long as the nation? Made me think "has been like" could replace it and turn the metaphor into a simile. Just my opinion on this one.

"years ago, that my"
This comma is unneccessary.

"one day following"
Now I'm not sure about this, but this reads strangely, as though it should be either "one day after" or "immediately following". Applying a definitive time period to the word "following" justs sounds odd to the ear, but this is certainly on your judgement, as I can't furhter justify it.

"a hatred born from the love"
You've used "born from" a few paragraphs before, and it's a fairly memorable metaphor.

"The wise men of Alisator have already named this part of our history “The Dragon Purge”."
Sweet. A very good line. If your narrator didn't like this, he could show it through a passive aggressive use of the term "so-called" before "wise men. Hard to get a read on the narrator's point of view on this so far though.

"I know this may seem a fool’s request, but we must not allow the eradication of our intellectual equals!"
I think the exclamation would be stronger if it had a single phrase, rather than being prefaced in-sentence as it is. So if the exclamation is just: "We must not allow the eradication of our intellectual equals!" and then he can go on to clarify: "I know this may seem a fool's request....." It increases the potency that you want on an exclamatory line.

"sins"
Be careful with the use of essentially religious language, especially how it frames characterisation.

"when man attempts to destroy his fears rather than reconcile them"
I think there should be a "with" after "reconcile", unless you mean to reconcile fears with each other, in which case you should similarly clarify.

"and friend to his majesty Wymark VI of Alisator"
The father is V, and as the son was never crowned I do not think he would be referred to as "his majesty".

"they continued to laugh lightly"
"lightly" struck me as an odd word to describe the laughter of these men.

"broken wing and three arrows in his left side Shin-ryu still"
The first clause, that begins with "Despite" earlier in the sentence, ends with "side" and that's where you need a comma, to indicate it.

"in death’s shadow"
Death's shadow made be think of the big dragon-thing from Avatar, but would you stare in a shadow or at it?

"The men sharpened their blades"
Sharpening blades can be a laborious chore. That it's done here would be more a matter of intimidation than to increase their actual potency.

"ash and small embers"
This really makes me wonder how the fire works. Does he have a burning tree in there or something?

"But the arrow that pierced the dragon’s eye had penetrated too deep to be removed."
Wow that would hurt Shin-ryu when they tried to pull it out. Let the audience know. On the other hand: erhaps he's incredibly weak from his injuries and can barely register this pain against the wieght of his other injuries: let the audience know.

"but the one who saved"
who "had" saved

"There was no answer from the beast."
This section seems to shift perspective a bit, with Shin-ryu being referred to by name and as a "beast" (something that he probably wouldn't think of himself as). If you wanted to maintain a clearer perspective, you might keep closer to Shin-ryu's understanding of the situation, perhaps bring in his musement at the man's confusion at the use of telepathy. If you want to shift perspective to the man, do so more clearly. It leaves the reader unsure otherwise.

"I have lived on this island for many years"
one wonders how his weapons are in such good working order.

"You will be called Dragoon . . . man of the dragons"
Personally not a huge fan of this, but that may vary from reader to reader. Why do the dragons have the same word for dragons? if it's a draconic word, then why would the humans, who fear them and do not respect them, use it? If it is human, why would the dragons use it, for the same reasons? More importantly, if it's human, then Dragoon clearly shouldn't derive from it. May be an underlying problem here because you've avoided language confusions with telepathy.

Cheers, I hope I was helpful. As I mentioned above, fee free to respond with queries or feedback to my review at my Review Thread.




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Fri May 25, 2012 9:42 pm
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Blues wrote a review...



Hi, Dude! I'm here as requested.

First impressions: I actually really, really like this. I loved your idea and the way you started it with a letter. I don't know how others felt about it and whether they felt it was too info-dumpish (I would recommend getting a third opinion!) but I personally felt it was creative and not too info-dumpish.

The first thing... is a nitpick. xD

you wrote: “Thank you, master.”

“M . . . master?” the man said quietly.

Shin-ryu looked at the man curiously; wondering why the human still hesitated while speaking with him.

“Shin-ryu, I have a task for you.”

“What is it? I will do whatever you wish,” said the dragon.

The man felt the heat of the dragon’s mouth on his face. “Your first task as my servant is to give me a name.”


I think it would make it much more clearer if the dragon's speech could be in italics. Even though he's not *thinking*, it's still going on in his head. It'll make the reader much more aware of how the dragons speak.

The year was 2816 N.D. Six hours into the third night of rain and lightning on the western continent of Alecrast.


I'm not sure if it's a cliché, but I have definitely heard, "It was the year 123456." many, many times. It's very over used and not original at all! Since it's when the action starts, you'd want to intrigue the reader, but that does not intrigue me at all. Is it necessary to know the year? It is necessary to know the time of day though, in order to imagine the scene.

How does the dragon look like? He doesn't seem completely like the dragons that we know from legends (even though he can breathe fire). I would advise putting it after the battle scene personally. Putting it *during* the scene would slow it down - definitely what you wouldn't want in something fast paced!

His only option now was to retreat towards the tall grass at the east end of the continent


Are those continents the size of our continents? The sentence above seems to be like saying that someone is in the Czech Republic and needs to flee to the Ural Mountains in Russia while escaping from attackers. If the continents are smaller, should they be called something else?

(actually, I read again, and I noticed you referred to it as an island. I'm slightly confused. An island like Australia, perhaps? But even that is huge.)

Finally, ShadowVyper's point about the feelings is totally valid. What makes Shin-ryu know the man isn't going to kill him and is just tricking him? How does he know he was the one who saved him?

Anyway, that's it from me! I do hope I helped and feel free to PM me with any questions you may have. Keep Writing!

~Blues




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Thu May 24, 2012 2:57 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Dude!

"Actoris Vortigern,
Servant, knight, and friend to his majesty Wymark VI of Alisator. 2795 N.D."~ Nothing wrong here, I just have a question. '2795 N.D.' what time period is 'N.D.'? I will not claim to be knowledgable about history and time periods, so I don't know if this is some real era that I'm not aware of. If not you might try to explain it, though that would be agonizing to try to integrate into the prologue, and isn't expected; but you might try to add it later- just a thought.

BTW, I like the way you used a letter to introduce the mindset behind the dragon hunt that is to follow. It was creative.

"Should he choose to jump, the dragon would not survive the fall."~ You had been referring to Shin-ryu as 'he' and you do that again in the beginning of the sentence, but then you switch to referring to him as 'the dragon'. You can't-well shouldn't- switch from first person to third person like that.

Also, when you get in the dialogue between Dragoon and Shin-ryu, I think that their emotions change too quickly. Dragoon seems sort of withdrawn at first (which isn't necessarily bad, especially if you want a mysterious character) and then he just completely opens up with Shin-ryu, for no reason.

I'm not sure how you could integrate the emotional part into it, but I definitely think that it needs a longer transition peroid, so the readers aren't so shocked from him going for kind of scornful 'can you even understand me?' to being sensitive. Again, just my opinion.

Hope it helped.

~Shadow





I do not use my siblings as the cleaning equipment.
— Tuckster